     Obligatory Legal Disclaimer:  The characters, situations and
just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of
Rumiko Takahashi.  If I even thought about trying to claim
otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me
watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity.  Anything you don't like is
mine, mine, all mine!  Hahahaha!

     Thinly veiled references to Sailor Moon, Super Dimensional
Fortress Macross, Urusei Yatsura, the Incredible Hulk, Star Trek,
the Simpsons, the Miss Universe Pageant, the X-Files, Predator,
Street Fighter, the Creature From The Black Lagoon, H.P.
Lovecraft's Call of Cthulu and other sources are property of their
respective copyright owners, and the use of them in this fanfic is
not a challenge to their ownership.

     Kudos, praise, constructive criticism and large sums of cash
can be sent to me via email at dharper@golden.net; complaints,
flames, death threats and subpoenas, call 1-900-IAM-DUMB to speak
to our customer representative.  $3.95 per minute, long distance
charges apply.  Children under 18 need parental permission. 
Children above 18 need serious psychiatric help.

     Special notes for readers:
<> = sound effects.

                           *    *    *


                            Prologue


                           *    *    *

     Memory Moss.  "Didn't work."  <flip>  Passion Spice.  "Tried
it."  <flip>  Love Noodles.  "Backfired."  <flip>  Dream Sauce. 
"Nothing."  <flip>  
     Mousse looked up from the corner of the Nekohanten where he
was sweeping and scowled.  Shampoo was still perusing her Great-
Grandmother's book of recipes.  And that could only mean one thing. 
She was trying to trap Ranma again.  Mousse didn't like the sound
of that, not one bit (1) (2).  
     "Shampoo!" he called.  "Why don't you just give up?  Every
time you've tried to use some new magical trick to win his love, it
doesn't work.  Doesn't that tell you anything?  Can't you see that
it is *I* who lo--<splash>--quack."
     Shampoo looked up, irritated.  At least she hadn't needed to
look up this time when she threw the glass of water at him.  But
Great-Grandmother wanted those floors swept by closing time.  She
ignored the frantic writhings of the duck on the floor as it tried
to escape Mousse's flowing robes, now in a pile on the floor. 
Instead Shampoo turned back to the book of Amazon magic in front of
her.
     Obsession Mushrooms.  "Too dangerous."  <flip>  Special
Okinomiyaki Sauce.  "Ai ya...Shampoo not want even *think* about
that one again..." (3).  <flip>  Potency Elixir.  "No good." 
<flip>
     Shampoo stared incredulously.  She had turned the last page. 
There was nothing else.  That couldn't be!  This book contained all
the alchemical secrets of the Joketsuzoku tribe of China!  There
*had* to be something that would win Ranma for her!  She opened the
book at the beginning again, determined to find that elusive recipe
she had missed the first twelve times.  
     Mousse's feeble quackings were beginning to irritate her.  She
picked up a bowl, turned it upside down, and walked over to where
he was struggling.  Mousse finally managed to poke his head out of
his robes and looked up at her questioningly.  She smiled, an evil
little smile which looked good on her (4).  
     Mousse quacked in confusion just as she let go of the bowl. 
It fell right on top of him.  He gave a startled 'QUACK!!' before
it landed, clattering to a full stop, just short of crushing him. 
He gave an experimental quack.  It came out muffled.  He pushed at
the rim of the bowl.  It moved slightly.  He sweated nervously,
wondering how long the air would last inside his newly-made prison.
     That done, Shampoo sweetly walked back to her seat and sat
back down, ready to give the book a go once more.  But something
nagged at her.  Something Mousse had said to her.  She turned the
pages idly, not really looking at them.  Something about not using
magic to trick Ranma into loving her.  Yes, that was it.  But if
she didn't use magic to get his love, what would she do then?  What
else *was* there to do?
     Shampoo looked down at the book.  She had stopped at a page
that contained only one recipe.  Eradicating Ramen.  Shampoo
smiled.  It was not a nice smile.  Rather, it was that special kind
of smile one usually reserves for crushing your enemies or greeting
visiting in-laws with twelve screaming kids in tow.
     "Of course!  Shampoo so blind, almost as bad as like Mousse--
Shampoo no need get Ranma fast if Akane and other bad girls out of
way...Shampoo use magic spells for to get rid of competition!  Is
just like duel.  Then Ranma be all Shampoo's!"
     Shampoo smiled evilly for the second time that day (5). 
Mousse shivered as he huddled under his bowl, hearing her words. 
Shampoo glanced over at the bowl that was now rattling slightly on
the floor.  She gave a long sigh.  Oh, well...Great-grandmother
still wanted the floors swept, and she knew that the old hag
wouldn't care whether Shampoo had come up with a way to get rid of
Akane once and for all, or had just been sleeping the entire day. 
Those floors had to be spic and span when she got home or there'd
be hell to pay.  Shampoo would just have to find a use for Mousse
after all (6).


(1)  Especially as it came at the beginning of a fanfic.  That just
foreshadowed the whole plot, and Mousse would have preferred
something less likely to end up with Shampoo chasing Ranma.  Say,
a nice dry tragedy.  Mousse generally figured in tragedies much
more than he did in other types of fanfic.

(2)  "What is the sound of one Ranma trapping?"  -David Homerick

(3)  For those of you who don't get this reference, go read "The
Okinomiyaki Orgy."  The only lemon I ever thought really held true
to the Ranmaverse, as odd as that may sound.  

(4)  Let's be honest.  Anything looks good on Shampoo, *especially*
if it's just a smile.

(5)  And also, not entirely coincidentally, the second time this
fanfic.  The not-nice smile doesn't count.  

(6)  Actually, Shampoo already had several uses for Mousse, amongst
the many being slave labour, cannon fodder and practice dummy.   

                           *    *    *

     Shampoo whistled merrily as she mixed a batch of noxious
chemicals into the steaming ramen (1).  She looked back at the
cookbook of doom.  "Five teaspoon disappearing ink."  She measured
out five teaspoons exactly and plunged them into the bowl.  The ink
hissed as it hit the mixture, turning it from a bright orange into
a clear, colourless liquid.  She smiled and looked back at the
book.  The last ingredient.  She read aloud from the book.
     "Last, but not least, take hair of person you wish to get rid
of and put in soup.  Then feed soup to person you wish to get rid
of."  
     Shampoo blinked.  She had to have a hair, and before the ramen
was done, or the whole thing would be for nothing!  "Ai ya!" she
squealed in dismay.  Great-Grandmother would surely lecture her
sternly, for hadn't she always told Shampoo to read the
instructions carefully first?  Oh, and all her plans would be
ruined.  Although that seemed to happen quite a lot these days. 
But then Shampoo thought of something that could save everything
from going wrong.  
     "Oh, Mousse," she called out musically.  "Would come here for
minute?  Shampoo need you."
     Mousse entered the kitchen, towelling his hair from the hot
bath he'd just stepped out of a minute earlier.  He adjusted his
glasses with both hands and replied.  "Yes, my darling Shampoo?"  
     Shampoo grit her teeth and smiled prettily at him.  "Shampoo
need Mousse to help her with special recipe."  
     Mousse adjusted his glasses.  "You mean, the Eradicating
Ramen?" he asked her.  She nodded eagerly.  Mousse sighed. 
"Shampoo...I'm sorry.  But I just can't help you with this. 
Killing people is just plain cruel!"
     Shampoo looked at him with wide eyes.  "What you talking
about, Mousse?  You think Shampoo *kill* Akane!?"  Disbelief tinged
her voice, and she stared at him.  "Shampoo no do that or Ranma
*hate* her!  Magic ramen just make Akane go away!  With Akane gone,
Shampoo win!  Ranma all Shampoo's!"  She gloried in the moment in
her dreams.  Then she snapped back to reality, realizing she'd said
a little too much.  
     "I won't help you trick Ranma into marrying you."
     Shampoo pouted.  "Mousse no love Shampoo any more?"  
     Mousse trembled from the force of her anger.  "Sh-Shampoo! 
It's not that!  It's just--I...I can't!"  Shampoo took his hands in
hers and looked into his eyes deeply.  
     "Not even for Shampoo?" she asked in a small voice.  Mousse
trembled again.  He opened his mouth, then shut it.  He closed his
eyes in shame, then opened them again.  
     "No...not even for you, Shampoo.  I'm sorry," he finished in
a quiet voice.  His hands clenched into fists, and he closed his
eyes in pain.  "ARGH!" he screamed.  "What fate is this that I must
help you break my heart?  That stupid Saotome!  He's got the most
beautiful girl in the whole--<WHAM>"  A frying pan ended Mousse's
soliloquy, and he sank blissfully into slumber.  Shampoo shrugged
absently and checked the frying pan for dents.  She sighed in
frustration.  "NOW what Shampoo do?"
     Just then, the door to the Nekohanten opened, and Ranma burst
in.


(1)  I could say something about how this wasn't that abnormal for
food at the Nekohanten, but I happen to like ramen.  Which has
absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a university
student and can't afford anything better anyways.  Really.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma jumped into the Nekohanten.  Ordinarily, Shampoo would
have glomped onto him before he managed to take two steps but right
now her mind was on other things and she missed his entrance for
the first whole half second.  That was just enough time for him to
duck under the nearest table.  Shampoo walked over to his newfound
home and lifted the tablecloth, peering under at him.  
     "Ranma?" she asked him.  "Ranma, why you hiding under table? 
Shampoo no bite."  Ranma peeked out fearfully.  
     "Shh!" he said frantically.  "Akane's chasing me!"  Shampoo
felt her heart lighten.  
     "Ai ya!  Gods must love Shampoo!"  Ranma paused from his
efforts at becoming one with the woodwork.  What the heck was
Shampoo talking about now?  That sounded like she was up to
something.  Something, in Shampoo's case, usually meant Ranma
getting beaten up by Akane, and he had had quite enough of that
already, thank you very much (1).  
     Then Akane burst in the restaurant, holding a sledgehammer in
her arms, and Ranma decided he didn't care what Shampoo was
planning.  
     "WHERE IS HE?  I'LL KILL HIM!  I'LL TURN HIM INTO CHOPPED
LIVER!!  HOW *DARE* HE??"  She waved the sledge threateningly
around the room.  "NOBODY GETS TO SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER AND
LIVE!!"
     Shampoo stepped up to her.  "What you talking about, Akane? 
Who he? (2)"  
     Akane just glared at her.  "You know perfectly well who *he*
is, Shampoo.  Where's Ranma!?  I know you're hiding him!"  
     Shampoo looked at her, unafraid.  "Shampoo no hide Ranma. 
Akane no find him here."  Akane screamed in rage and slammed her
mallet down on the table, which broke into two pieces.  There was
a loud crack, mixed with the sound of someone trying to stop
himself from screaming in pain.  
     "When I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born!!"  She
slammed her mallet on the table for emphasis.  There was the sound
of someone desperately trying to muffle a cry of pain amidst the
splintering noise (3).  The table crumbled into pieces.
     Akane turned to leave.  Shampoo saw her chance.  "Oh!" she
cried out.  Akane spun, expecting a trap.  Shampoo just looked at
her with wide eyes.  Of course, that didn't rule out a trap, but
Akane wasn't really thinking about that at the time.  She was more
concerned with what she'd do to Ranma once she caught up with him. 
     Shampoo pointed at her sweater.  "Akane have hair on sweater! 
That no good.  Here, Shampoo get rid of it for Akane."  She quickly
grabbed at the hair, which was, somewhat unfortunately for Akane,
still attached to the rest of her.  Akane felt a tug and then a
sharp pain as the hair snapped.  
     "Ow!" she yelled.  "Hey!  That hurt, you know!" 
     Shampoo looked at the single hair dangling from her hand in
practised dismay.  "Oh!  Shampoo so sorry!"  
     Akane narrowed her eyes menacingly.  "I'm *sure*," she replied
flatly, somehow managing to convey the fact that she wasn't sure of
that fact in the slightest in about fifty different ways.  "I'll
bet you did that on purpose!" she accused the blue-haired Amazon
girl (4).  
     Shampoo's eyes widened in innocent hurt.  Akane snorted at the
sight.  "Right now I just want to kill Ranma, Shampoo.  Not you. 
So don't get in my way!"  She emphasized her point by slamming her
mallet into the remains of the table, which was definitely on its
last legs.  There was a not-quite-so-muffled groan of pain.  The
table spontaneously turned into so much sawdust.  Akane didn't seem
to hear Ranma's piteous moan, perhaps because she had already run
out of the restaurant, yelling at him at the top of her lungs.
     Shampoo pushed aside the rubble of the table and looked at
Ranma.  "Ranma?  You alive?" she asked, a bit worried.  He groaned. 
She smiled.  "You stay here for a while.  Or Akane maybe kill you. 
Ranma no worry, Shampoo take care of violent girl for you."  
     Ranma pushed himself up onto a seat.  "Owwww.  That hurt," he
complained.  He shook splinters of table out of his clothing, not
to mention his skin.  "Man, what a tomboy," he said.  Amazingly, a
flying mallet hit him in the side of the head (5).  
     "I HEARD THAT!!" came a faint yell of anger.  Ranma's eyes
widened in fear and he scrambled for the back door.
     Shampoo waited until the tumult died down again before she
looked back at the hair in her hands.  "Oh, so good," she sighed
happily.  "Now Shampoo can get rid of Akane." 


(1)  And, for that matter, for his entire life, as far as Ranma was
concerned.

(2)  "And how were you going to chop him with a blunt instrument?"

(3)  Some of you may be wondering what exactly this sounds like. 
Unfortunately the answer cannot be properly experienced on a
written medium.  But not to worry--there's an easy way to find out
what it sounds like first-hand...just give your younger sibling
five dollars and a large hammer (extradimensional hammers are
preferred where legal).  Then lock yourself in an enclosed room
with them for thirty minutes.  We guarantee you'll know what it
sounds like by then.

(4)  Now, how could Akane ever accuse dear, sweet, innocent Shampoo
of such a thing?  Could it possibly be due to the several dozen 
attempts on Akane's life?  Or perhaps those attempts to destroy her
memory?  Or the small but increasing number of attacks on her
family by Amazons?  Or the other few dozen attempts to steal Ranma,
brainwash him, and generally make Akane's life miserable in other
assorted ways?  Of course not.  Akane was just in a bad mood.

(5)  Amazingly, not only due to the fact that Akane was by now
several blocks away, but also because there was an unbroken window
in between him and her.  Once again, Akane had tapped into
Hammerspace and used its unique essence to give Ranma a headache.

                           *    *    *


                       An Akane To Forget

                     A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction

                         by David Harper

                            Part One


                           *    *    *

     Shampoo smiled.  It was all done, at last.  She poured the
magic noodles into Akane's pink bowl, then walked out to find a
suitable dress to wear to the dojo, smiling with anticipation as
she left.
     Two seconds after her exit, Mousse silently crept into the
kitchen.  He glanced around the room nervously before sneaking over
to the ramen steaming on the table.  There was one pink bowl, one
blue bowl, and five white bowls, all in matching coloured boxes. 
     "How nice of Shampoo to colour-code them so even I, with my
bad eyesight, can tell which is which!" he laughed quietly. 
Obviously, the blue was for Ranma--Shampoo always singled him out
for special treatment.  The thought was enough to make Mousse burn
with envy, but for now he focused his attention on the task instead
of his hated rival.  Revenge would come soon--very soon, in fact.
     Okay, blue was for Ranma.  That meant that the drug was in the
pink bowl, since it was the only other special bowl in the set. 
Shampoo would never serve Ranma food in a pink bowl.  That would be
too feminine for the ultra-masculine martial artist (1).  
     Mousse grinned as he got out another set of blue and pink
bowls and poured the contents of Shampoo's bowls into them (2). 
Then, thinking sadly of what he had to do, he switched them *back*
to where they belonged, and waited grimly.  Oh, the sacrifices he
made for his Shampoo!
     A minute later, Shampoo came back down.  "Mousse?" she
queried, surprised at seeing him there.  "What you--" she stopped
short, seeing the extra bowls on the counter.  "MOUSSE DIE!!" she
screamed, slamming him into the wall with her bonbori.  He
slithered down the wall, smiling blissfully.  
     "She...she touched me..." he whispered happily.  Shampoo
angrily examined the bowls of steaming ramen.  There was no way to
tell them apart, except for the colour of the bowls.  She cursed
silently.  
     "Stupid Mousse!" she said out loud finally.  "Why you do that
for?"  Her question didn't really need an answer, and he didn't
volunteer one.  Then she stopped, struck by a sudden thought.  
     "Mousse..."  Mousse looked up.  Shampoo was...angry.  That was
the only way to put it.  No, angry didn't even cover it.  She was
the essence of anger.  She was incensed.  She burned white-hot with
rage.  With her in the room, even a blind man would flee. 
Unfortunately, Mousse was not only vision-impaired but, at the
moment, crippled and partially attached to the wall.  He cringed. 
     "Mousse," Shampoo said in tones that would scare the dead back
to life, "You no try get rid of RANMA, do you?"  Mousse gave her a
nervous smile.  
     "Uh--" he said wittily, trying to figure out the quickest lie
that would save him from imminent death.  He ran out of time. 
Shampoo smashed him deeper into the wall.  
     "NOW MOUSSE DIE!!" she screamed, and spent the next five
minutes in a scene of unimaginable violence (3).  
     Exhausted at last, she turned away from what once had been
Mousse--and would be again, after about a month in intensive care--
and looked at the problem at hand.  In this case, the ramen.  
     "Hmph.  Shampoo just switch bowls," she said out loud.  She
proceeded to do so.  The heap at her feet stirred.  
     "No!  Shampoo!  Please don't!  I beg you!"  Then it fell
silent.  This was not surprising, considering Shampoo had stepped
on Mousse's head.  She smiled.  "This too easy."  Then her eyes
narrowed again at the thought.  Suddenly, they widened in surprise. 
"Yes...is *too* easy...Mousse try to double-cross Shampoo!" 
Mousse's eyes widened just a fraction.  It was all Shampoo needed
as evidence.  She kicked him into low earth orbit.
     Shampoo carefully swapped the bowls again.  Mousse had thought
to trick her by swapping the bowls *twice*--then leaving evidence
of a switch and trusting in Shampoo's own paranoia to switch them
back--doing his work for him!  But now she had them back to normal,
right?  Right?
     Shampoo left for the Tendo dojo a little warily, but also a
little triumphant.


(1)  For those of you who were wondering, that's Ranma, not Akane.

(2)  Note to readers:  Keep track of whose ramen is in whose bowl
from this point on.  It may get confusing.  No, scratch that.  It
will *definitely* get confusing.  Just to be nice, the Eradicating
Ramen started in the pink bowl, and Mousse *did* swap them twice. 
But so did Shampoo, so it's back in the pink bowl again.  Pink bowl
= Magic ramen.  Got it so far?  Let me know if you have trouble.

(3)  The Surgeon General warns that trying to imagine an
unimaginable scene may be hazardous to your health and has been
known to cause people to watch Sailor Moon to recover.

                           *    *    *

     <Ding-dong!>  Kasumi opened the door.  "Oh my!" she exclaimed
(1).  "If it isn't little Shampoo!"  She smiled at her Amazon
visitor (2).  "I'm afraid Ranma's not in right now," she apologized
to her guest, "He and Akane are out playing."  
     Ordinarily, this might have sent Shampoo on a manhunt.  But,
considering she knew what Akane considered to be 'playing', she
stayed calm and decided to kill him later (3).  Instead, she smiled
back at Kasumi.  "Shampoo know.  Come early with food for dinner! 
As thanks to Tendos and apology to Akane."  She pointed to the
ramen she had brought.  
     Kasumi smiled.  "Oh my!  Thank you so much, Shampoo!"
     Shampoo smiled back at her.  Then she had a sudden thought. 
"Just one rule," she said.  "Akane get ramen in pink box, okay?"  
     Kasumi nodded absently and started taking the boxes of ramen
inside.  Shampoo bounced inside to stalk--er, to wait for Ranma.


(1)  Just once, just *once*, I'd like to hear her say something
besides "Oh my!".  Like maybe, "My goodness!" or "Heavens!" or
something else along those lines.  I mean, you *can* do 'sweet and
innocent' along with 'original and interesting'.  Heck, I'd even
settle for her laughing maniacally and terrorizing the
neighbourhood if I thought it would wake people up at all.

(2)  Hey, wouldn't *you* smile if an Amazon warrior rang your
doorbell?  I mean, you piss her off and you suddenly lack a wall or
three.  It tends to lower the properly values of the neighbourhood
quickly.  Not that *that* meant much around the Tendo dojo.  I have
a working theory that the only reason the Tendos can stay afloat
financially is because Ranma and crew have lowered property values
so much, they actually get a property tax *refund* from the
government.  It has since been pointed out to me that Japan might
very well subsidize dojos, but I'm pretty sure you have to have
students to be considered a dojo, don't you?  

(3)  Like after he was released from the hospital.  The last time
Ranma and Akane 'played' together, for example, Ranma was in ER for
the 36 hours immediately following.  

                           *    *    *

     Happosai bounded in through the kitchen window.  "Whoa-hey! 
What a haul!  What a haul!" he cried, carrying a sack of panties
that was larger than he was (1).  He spotted Kasumi and began to
drool.  
     For some reason, Happosai had never been attracted to Kasumi
in the slightest.  Perhaps it was her innocence, such that even
*he*, the biggest pervert in the universe--and the smallest, too--
felt shouldn't be spoiled (2).  Perhaps some aspect of her innate
goodness brought out the good in his own soul.  Perhaps she
reminded him of a lost love, or a daughter that could have been but
never was.  Then again, maybe her simply purity drove him away,
much as a demon might fear a priest.
     Instead, Happosai's mighty appetites were drawn not to her
womanly charms, but to the food she was holding.  He quickly
grabbed both blue and pink boxes and slipped out their bowls,
drawing the steaming hot ramen close to his waiting mouth...
     "Oh my!" said Kasumi.  "That's Akane's!"  Happosai froze.  He
could feel his little heart beating madly inside his little chest
as if trying to escape its bounds.  His hands shook a little,
trembling from his near-death experience (3).  
     "A-Akane's?" asked Happosai, his voice trembling.  Kasumi
nodded, blissfully unaware of anthing wrong.  "On second thought,
maybe I'm not that hungry," he admitted nervously as he put the
bowls back.  Shaken by his brush with Pepto-Bismal addiction, he
didn't even notice when he put the bowls back in the wrong boxes.
     "Kasumi, my dear," he said to her, "thanks so much for telling
me about that.  I didn't know Akane made it.  It looked so...so
HARMLESS!!  So much like real food!" he shouted out.  "I'm only
human!  Who could have thought that *Akane* had made it!?" he
cried, angst-ridden.  Kasumi opened her mouth to correct him, but
just then a super-dimensional mallet (4) crashed down on Happosai. 
     "HOW *DARE* YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY COOKING!?" Akane screamed at
the top of her lungs.  Happosai looked up, apparently unhurt from
several hundred pounds of pressure smashing into his skull (5).  
     "Sweeto!" he cried joyously as he glomped onto Akane's chest. 
"AIIEEEK!" she screamed as she slammed the dirty old man from Heck
into space (6).  Ranma peered over her shoulder, looking much the
worse for his afternoon's run.  
     "You know, for once the old freak was *right*," he said in
wondering tones.  "I mean, your cooking *is* toxic, but who'da
thought he'd show--<WHAM>"  Ranma joined Happosai in orbiting the
Earth (7).  Akane stormed off into the dining room.
     Kasumi looked up at the new hole in the ceiling.  "Oh my," she
said, "I guess we'll only be having five for dinner, then."  She
then looked down at the ramen.  
     "Oh my," she said again, infuriating the author.  "Shampoo put
the wrong bowls in the boxes.  I'm sure she meant for Akane to have
the pink bowl as well as the pink box.  They go so well together." 
     Kasumi exchanged the bowls, then paused uncertainly.  "Oh, but
wait.  Blue is Akane's favourite colour.  I'm sure that's why
Shampoo wanted her to have the blue bowl.  And it *was* in the pink
box, isn't that right?"  
     She exchanged the bowls again...and paused again, unsure. 
"But she *did* say this was as an apology to Akane, didn't she?  I
wonder if she made anything special for Akane?"  
     She smelled the ramen.  She couldn't detect anything different
about it.  But that didn't mean anything, really.  Sometimes the
best spices left no odour, after all.  Kasumi was in a dilemma. 
She started to work out the pluses and minuses on each side out
loud as she thought about the problem.
     "Well...Akane won't care either way, but Shampoo might be
upset if her friends don't get the right bowls.  Oh, what shall I
do?"  She looked at the bowls for a moment and wrung her hands.  
     Then Kasumi smiled and poured the ramen from the blue bowl
into a mixing bowl, then poured the ramen from the pink bowl into
the blue bowl.  Finally, she poured the ramen from the mixing bowl
into the pink bowl, and put the bowls back as she had found them--
the blue bowl in the pink box, and the pink bowl in the blue box. 
     "I'm sure Akane won't mind if she doesn't get anything special
this one time, just in case I've got them mixed up," she said to
herself, "and this way she gets the right bowl, after all.  Shampoo
can always correct me if I'm wrong."  Then she forgot all about it,
in that little way Kasumi has of doing that kind of thing.  


(1)  The sack, not the panties.  Although that wouldn't be hard to
do, come to think of it.

(2)  Outside of Tomobiki High School, of course.  Happosai was so
vexed by a young upstart whippersnapper still in high school
stealing the title from him that he sometimes dressed up as a
buddhist monk, calling himself Cherry, and went around making his
rivals' life miserable.

(3)  For those of you who have been lucky enough never to have
sampled Akane's cooking, DON'T!!  In a recent admission, StatsJapan
admitted that Akane's cooking has become the number one killer in
Japan, edging out heart failure and respiratory disease by a slim
margin in 1996.

(4)  The newly-christened SDM-1, powered by protoculture and born
of human struggle.  The only bad side effect was that you couldn't
use the main hammer when it was transformed into robot mode.  Alas,
all its special features were lost on Akane, who treated it as she
would any other hammer, except for the repeated and unexplained
attacks on her by giant green men in ostrich-like battle armour.

(5)  Somehow, this isn't terribly surprising.  All the Ranma 1/2
characters seem to have exceptionally hard--and thick--skulls.

(6)  Thus becoming the Dirty Old Man From Outer Space.  Coming out
soon in a theatre near you, check local listings for showtimes.

(7)  Causing NASA some interesting headaches, I'll bet.  "Sir,
Japan just launched a satellite.  No, sir, it doesn't look like one
of ours.  Um, sir?  I think I need some time off...that looks like
a little old man and...um...he's groping a girl with red hair..."

                           *    *    *

     Ranma sat down.  He looked at the pink bowl of ramen in front
of him.  "Hey, what's this?" he asked, having a suspicion of what
the answer might be (1).  Akane sat down in front of the blue bowl
which rested at her place.  Shampoo smiled at Ranma.  Ranma smiled
back at her somewhat nervously.  Sort of like how he might smile at
a hungry tiger, or perhaps like he smiled at Kodachi on a bad day
for her.
     "Ah, Shampoo just make husband happy by serving dinner like
good wife should."  A sudden thought hit Shampoo.  "Oh!  And also
want apologize to Akane for today."  She smiled sweetly.  
     Akane ground her teeth.  Yeah, right.  The day Shampoo wanted
to apologize to her was the day Ranma went out on a date with Kuno. 
That tie-dyed hussy probably just wanted another chance to seduce
Ranma, or put some kind of drug in his food, or--uh, oh.  Akane
looked at the food in front of her.  Ramen.  Like Shampoo made in
her restaurant.  
     She quickly shot a glance at Ranma's bowl.  He was looking at
it too--but with hunger, not suspicion.  That dolt!  Didn't he ever
learn?!  She'd have to save him again, she decided.  Quickly, Akane
pointed at the door.  "What's that?" she asked wonderingly, then
quickly exchanged bowls.  Ranma looked back at her.  
     "I didn't see nothing," he said.  "Maybe you're losing it,
Akane.  Then again, we already knew th--<WHAM>!"  
     Ranma turned his aching attentions back to the meal.  It
looked good--unlike that kawaiikune tomboy sitting next to him.  He
was about to dig in when he remembered a snatch of conversation
from the Nekohanten that afternoon.  Something about taking care of
Akane?...and now Akane was about to eat dinner!  He couldn't let
her--she might be stepping into a trap!  He bravely (2) decided to
take the risk, not to mention the extra helping of ramen.  Ranma
pointed out the window.  "Err, hey, what's that?" he asked
creatively, quickly exchanging bowls with Akane as she looked out
the window.  Akane turned back to him, arms crossed.  
     "There's nothing there, Ranma.  Honestly!  I think *you're*
the one who's losing it!"  
     Ranma started yelling at Akane.  "Oh YEAH?  You're the
homicidal tomboy with the attitude!"  
     Akane yelled back.  "Oh, am I?  Well, I'll have *you* know,
you pervert, that at least *I* don't have *three* fiancees!"  
     "Oh yeah?  An uncute tomboy like you should be *glad* to have
*one* fiance!  You'd never get a husband if he wasn't forced on
you!"
     "Oh, and is *that* why half the boys at school fought over me
every day?"  Shampoo smiled lazily as Ranma and Akane continued to
fight.  They'd never know it before it was too la--she stopped mid-
thought.  
     Her eyes widened.  Ranma had the *pink* bowl!!  She suddenly
realized how close to disaster she'd come.  She quickly took
advantage of the ensuing argument and switched bowls, blessing
Ranma's inability to think before he spoke.  Just in time, too--
Ranma, already losing the battle of wits (3) was turning back to
find solace in his food.  Akane did the same, ignoring him--but at
the same time hurt by his words, although she'd never admit it even
to herself.  She concentrated on her food instead, angrily grabbing
the noodles and stuffing them into her mouth.  Kasumi smiled as she
looked on.  It was so nice to see everybody enjoying themselves so
much.
     Shampoo watched every last noodle disappear into Akane's mouth
with a hunger that had nothing to do with food.  When the last
noodle disappeared into her rival's mouth, she grinned jubilantly. 
She counted silently to ten like the instructions said to do. 
Then, free of her worst enemy at long last, she leapt at Ranma. 
Ranma, who was refilling his bowl for seconds, was unaware of the
fast-approaching wedded bliss planned by the curvaceous Amazon
suddenly glomping onto him.
     "Oh, Ranma!" she squealed happily.  "Now that Akane gone,
Shampoo all yours!  We get married now, Ai Lan!  Shampoo so happy!" 
Ranma looked like a deer in a spotlight as he struggled not to
spill his ramen while having a pretty chinese girl hold him tight
(4).  
     Mr. Tendo just looked at the two without expression.  "Excuse
me.  Now that my Akane's gone *where*?" he asked, not particularly
impressed by seductive Amazon girl or inconstant son-in-law. 
Shampoo turned to Mr. Tendo and grinned savagely.  
     "Gone gone!  Akane not here, that where she is!"  
     Nabiki pointed a finger behind her.  "Then who's that?" she
asked.  Shampoo turned to see where Nabiki was pointing.  Akane was
sitting there, looking angrily at the pair of exhibitionists. 
Shampoo's eyes widened.
     "Ai-yah!  It no work?  But...but Shampoo so sure, this
time..."  Her voice trailed off.  Then Akane's fist met her face,
and she soared off into the night sky.  Through the previously
undamaged ceiling. 
     Unfortunately for Ranma, he was still attached to Shampoo at
that point.  He flew into the sky, twinkling faintly as he became
a point against the starry sky and everybody else settled down to
enjoy dinner.


(1)  Which meant in his case 'ramen noodles'.  Ranma isn't exactly
known for his perception or his skills at observation.

(2)  Stupidly, but bravely.

(3)  As usual.

(4)  This is a hard thing to do.  Trust me.  Or don't.  In fact,
I'm willing to prove it to you!  Simply supply me with a pretty
Chinese girl willing to hold me tight, and I'll show you how hard
it is to do.  Even if it takes a hundred tries!  Or a thousand! 
Or...<pant, pant>...a million!  <ZZZAAAAP!>  "DARLING NO BAKA!" 
Uh-oh.  

                           *    *    *

     Ranma staggered back.  He had taken so many beatings from
Akane that day he was beginning to feel like a practice dummy. 
What he needed right now was a nice, hot bath.  Maybe that would
help get that strange taste out of his mouth, too.  It had lingered
there for some time, as if he'd eaten something awful.  Not that he
could *remember* eating any of Akane's cooking...(1)
     He stumbled back into the dojo, ignoring Kasumi's "Oh my! 
Hello, Ranma." and his father's "Growf" (2).  He just went
downstairs to the bathroom.  The door was closed.  Hm.  Ranma
decided to be cautious, a surprise for anybody who knew the rash
young martial artist.  He knocked before entering.
     Akane was relaxing in the bath, thinking furious thoughts
about that purple hussy, Shampoo, and her own would-be fiance,
Ranma.  Specifically, about the two of them together.  She soaped
herself, working up a lather quickly, perhaps harder than she had
to.  She heard someone knock on the outer door.  
     "I'm in here," she called out.  Couldn't Mr. Saotome wait?  He
seemed to *like* being in panda form, from the amount of time he
spent that way.
     Ranma waited for a minute then, hearing no response, opened
the door and went in.  He closed the door behind him and began to
strip down.  He walked over to the inner door.  It was also closed,
and some steam was escaping from inside.  That was odd; the Tendos
didn't like wasting hot water any more than he liked paying for it
when Nabiki forced him to.  He decided to err on the side of
caution and knock again (3).  
     Akane was relaxing again when she heard a knock again.  From
the inner door, this time.  "I *said*, I'm IN here!" she shouted. 
"Who is it?" she added, just in case.  Maybe Kasumi wanted to share
it with her.  That would be nice; she hadn't had a bath with her
older sister for ages.
     Ranma shrugged.  No answer, but better safe than sorry.  Even
if it was pop or Mr. Tendo, they might not be too pleased if Ranma
just walked in without asking.  He raised his voice.  "Hello?  It's
me, Ranma!  Would you mind if I came in?"
     Akane sat up straight in the tub, sending water splashing all
over (4).  What was that pervert doing here?  Then the meaning of
the words hit her.  She grabbed for a towel quickly.  "YES!  YES I
MIND, YOU PERVERT!" she shouted, at the top of her lungs.  "YOU
*BETTER* NOT COME IN!!"  
     Ranma shrugged.  No response--of course.  There was nobody in
there, after all.  He must just be a little bit more tired than he
thought.  He'd be glad for the chance to soak all those bruises in
the hot water of the tub.  Ranma brightened with a sudden thought. 
Ah, maybe Kasumi had thought of that and drawn it for him!  He
ought to thank the eldest Tendo daughter when he got out; he'd been
awfully rude to her when he came in.  He smiled and opened the
door.
     Akane couldn't believe it when the door opened.  She knew
Ranma was a pervert, but THIS--well, it was a good thing she had
that towel handy.  Even so, she blushed deep crimson.  Then she
noticed he was naked, too.  Her eyes widened.  Then she turned
white in sheer fury.  
     "KEEP AWAY!  JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ENGAGED DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY
RIGHTS, YOU KNOW!!"  He didn't react.  Akane started turning red
again.  "YOU HENTAI!!  GET OUT!!  GET OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU!!  STAY
AWAY FROM ME!!"  She stood up, out of the pool, and took an angry
step forward, ready to kill him.
     Ranma took a cautious look inside.  Nope, there was nobody
there.  He shrugged his shoulders at the idea, then winced a little
at the pain that caused him.  He looked at the steaming bath
awaiting him and walked straight into it.  He sighed as the hot
water enveloped him, and then leaned back and closed his eyes in
bliss.  
     Akane stared as Ranma walked past her.  He didn't even bother
looking at her!  Akane got mad.  She was long past angry.  Angry
was normal, safe, even common.  Mad was when you got so angry, you
couldn't take it any more without killing something.  Most people
never get mad in their entire lives.  Akane got mad about once a
month on average.  Ranma usually regretted it.  
     This time was no exception.  Somewhere outside, mischievous
spirits felt a chill and decided to turn to greener pastures. 
Akane had become an elemental force of nature, fury embodied in
human form.  She pulled the sink out of the wall (5) and slammed it
down on Ranma's head hard.  
     Everything went black.


(1)  This is what we in the writing industry call "foreshadowing". 
Yes, foreshadowing, your clue to quality literature.  Write that
down.

(2)  He was in panda form at the time and had written a sign, but
Ranma was too tired from walking halfway across town, dragging an
Amazon with him who just wanted him to stay with her, and generally
being beaten up to bother reading it.  

(3)  This was not normal behaviour for Ranma.  Then again, normal
behaviour for Ranma usually got him beaten up.  So, perhaps it was
some inner sense of self-preservation that finally kicked in.  If
so, it was doing a pretty pathetic job.

(4)  Hentai are free to close their eyes right now and spend a
minute or two imagining this scene in all its lurid details.  I'm
not going to do it for you, so you might as well.  

(5)  Yes, *out* of the wall, copper piping and all.

                         End of Part One

                           *    *    *


                            Part Two


                           *    *    *

     Ranma grabbed the last fish cake before Mr. Tendo could get it
himself and grinned before tossing it up in the air, opening his
mouth to catch it.  A panda suddenly leaned over and snatched it
out of the air with his mouth, downing it whole.  
     "HEY!" cried Ranma.  "I stole that first!"  
     Nabiki shook her head.  "Honestly, Ranma."  
     Akane didn't say anything.  She was still shaking with silent
rage from last night and refused to talk to him, let alone
acknowledge his presence.  For his part, Ranma was actually
handling it pretty well, Nabiki admitted.  Maybe he was maturing. 
     "Come on, pop!  Give it back!" yelled Ranma, as he startled
wrestling with his father.  
     Genma quickly produced a sign:  'I already ate it!'.  
     "I don't care!  That was *my* fish cake!  Mine!  D'you hear
me!?"  
     Nabiki sighed.  Then again, maybe he was just sinking down to
Akane's level.  She glanced at her watch and stood up.  "Well, ta-
ta, everyone!  I'm off to school.  Another day, another ten
thousand yen (1)."  She skipped out, leaving the Saotomes rolling
on the floor.  
     Akane just snorted.  Then she looked at the clock.  "Whoops. 
Nabiki's right.  Bye, dad!  Bye, Kasumi!  Bye, Mr. Saotome!"  She
made an effort to say goodbye to everybody--except Ranma.  The jerk
didn't even notice her leaving.  Typical.  She stormed out in a
huff, slamming the door with such force it nearly came off its
hinges.
     "Have a nice day, Akane!" called Kasumi, smiling and waving. 
Nobody else seemed to notice Akane's departure.
     On the floor, Genma was trying to write a sign saying 'you're
late for school,' but Ranma kept trying to put him in a headlock,
spoiling his father's calligraphy (2).  
     Ranma looked at the sign his father had just used to smash his
face in and squinted, trying to read it.  "Your mate's at school?"
he read.  "C'mon, pop, I'm not married to Akane yet!"
     Genma gave a defeated 'growf' and gave in to the idea of
raising a perpetually delinquent child (3).


(1)  10,000 yen is approximately US $100.00, although it varies by
exchange rates and is currently closer to US $85.00.  Nabiki had
never believed in thinking small.  "A dollar a day, indeed!  Well,
perhaps that's what I'll tell the government," she said in an
interview.  "But seriously.  Get with the times!"

(2)  Which was already abominable.  Pandas don't even have
opposable thumbs.  How on earth does he write signs in the first
place?  The answer is actually quite simple.  It's one of the
special manuevers of the ancient and honourable school of Anything-
Goes Written Martial Arts.  The school broke off from the main
Anything-Goes style hundreds of years ago over styles of fighting. 
Both they and the Anything-Goes Weapons school believed their forms
were superior to the other, but in the end the Written school won
and vanquished their foes.  It just goes to show that the pen is
mightier than the sword (4).

(3)  Most parents of Ranmaverse characters suffer emotional pain
and suffering.  Mr. Saotome has an ungrateful aquatranssexual son,
while Mr. Tendo has one daughter who blackmails him, another who
yells at him, and a third who acts like his dead wife.  Mrs.
Saotome hasn't even seen her son in ten years, while Mr. and Mrs.
Kuonji haven't heard from Ukyou in two years and aren't even sure
whether they have a son or a daughter currently.  For that matter,
neither is Mr. Saotome.  Ryoga's parents may never have seen him
since he learned how to walk.  Mr. Kuno is a sociopathic obsessive-
compulsive who plants trees on his head and ran away from his
children to pursue his vacation in Hawaii and Shampoo's father has
had to deal with his only daughter turning into a cat before his
very eyes and leaving to murder shapechanging transsexuals in a
foreign country.  All of which paved the way in 1994 for the
creation of a support group called Parents of Takahashi Children. 
However, the PTC disbanded when several of the parents could not
get along.  Mrs. Saotome kept threatening Mr. Saotome with seppuku,
Mr. Kuno kept trying to cut everybody's hair, and Mr. Invader kept
threatening world domination.  It was later found to be yet another
manipulation by Mr. and Mrs. Chigusa in yet another futile attempt
to get their daughter to return home, and the group was disbanded.

(4)  Okay, okay, that *was* pretty bad.  I admit it.  Please don't
flame me.

                           *    *    *

     Ukyou smiled at Ranma yet again.  She shared a few of Ranma's
classes, and made every effort she could to impress him with her
better qualities during those brief moments she shared with him,
and that meant a lot of smiling (1).  She'd read in a fashion
magazine that a man only noticed you if you smiled at him.  She
seemed to be having some effect, too.  She smiled at him again.
     After two weeks of being smiled at, Ranma was beginning to get
very nervous around Ukyou.  He kept being reminded of the way a cat
looks at a mouse just before dinnertime.  Today, however, he had
other things on his mind.  Ranma smiled back distractedly, then
went back to his textbook.  Ukyou sighed.  When would he see her
true love for him?  When would he come to his senses and marry her?
     Ukyou fell into a daydream almost instantly.  The teacher
noticed but didn't say anything--perhaps because he was one of
Ukyou's better customers, or because the pretty brown-haired girl
could easily beat up a man twice her size.  Ukyou gave discounts to
a few select customers at Ucchan's, the restaurant she ran after
school.  She did what she had to, already struggling with school,
a job, and Ranma.  Two out of the three was enough to defeat any
normal person, but Ukyou gamely rose to the challenge.
     The bell rang, signalling the end of class and the beginning
of the five minute period given students to hurry to their next
class.  Ukyou woke out of her idyllic fantasies and turned to see
the real thing walking towards her.  This was mostly because she
was sitting between Ranma and the exit--on purpose--but that didn't
matter to her.  She melted as his gaze brushed past her.  Maybe
today would be the day he'd tell her he loved her!  Ukyou's heart
skipped a beat as she herself skipped over to him.  Akane glared as
she approached.  Ukyou decided to ignore her rival and glomped onto
Ranma's arm.
     "Ranchan," she purred, "why don't we have lunch together
today?"
     Ranma looked at her and shrugged.  "Okay," he agreed.  
     Ukyou pouted prettily.  "But Ranchan, all your *other*
fiancees have--what?" she asked, suddenly realizing what he'd said. 
She looked at him, then glanced at Akane, who was turning an
unhealthy shade of red.  Ukyou turned back to Ranma.  "Okay?" she
asked, feeling faint.  
     Ranma nodded.  "Okay.  Sounds like fun.  I haven't talked to
you in a while."  He smiled at her.  Ukyou felt her knees give way,
and she hung onto his arm for more than companionship.  That made
Akane grow even angrier.
     Ukyou had a sudden thought and her demeanor turned suspicious. 
She looked up at Ranma.  "Um, Ranchan," she said, remembering his
denser nature, "I meant having lunch ALONE.  You know, like just
the two of us?  I want to talk to you *without* Akane."  
     Ranma looked around.  "What's wrong with here?"
     Ukyou opened her mouth, then shut it again.  "What about
Akane?" she asked.  
     Ranma blinked.  He looked around, then back at Ukyou. 
"Er...I'll bite," he said curiously.  "What *about* Akane?"
     Ukyou pointed to the girl who was regarding them both with The
Stare That Could Kill (2).  "Um...she's standing right there."
     Ranma looked in the direction she was pointing, again.  He
rubbed his eyes, then looked again.  He turned back to Ukyou.  "I
don't see anything," he told her.  
     Akane turned scarlet.  Ukyou blinked up at Ranma.  Akane
crushed a desk with her bare hands.  "Fine, you stupid baka hentai
moronic JERK!!" she yelled, expanding her vocabularly somewhat,
before turning and storming out the door, shoving her way past him
as she went.  
     "Did you feel something?" he asked Ukyou.  
     She smiled up at him happily.  "Not a thing," she said, then
squeezed his arm possessively.  "At last, we're alone," she sighed. 
     The bell rang, much to Ranma's relief.  Any time a girl
started giving him a look like that, he'd learned that it was safer
to be as far away as possible.  Preferably in another country. 
"Whoa, late for class, gotta run," Ranma said, disentangling
himself and fleeing.
     Ukyou took out her anger on the hapless school bell.  "You
stupid thing!" she shouted.  "Why couldn't you have waited one
minute?  Just one minute!  Is that too much to ask, you lousy piece
of junk?"  The bell quickly turned into rubble under the force of
her giant spatula.
     Ukyou looked around.  Everybody was staring in shock.  She
smiled nervously at them.  "Uh, heh heh...I hate being late," she
explained and slipped around the corner.  Then she ran.  She sighed
in disappointment.  Ranma had gotten away from her, *again*!  Then
she brightened.  But she had a lunch date with Ranchan!  She
skipped all the way to her next class.


(1)  Which *don't* include anything hentai among their number. 
This is Ukyou!!  Well, to be fair, this is the before-desperation-
sinks-in-Ukyou of the later seasons.  This version of Ukyou is
cheerful, nice and sweet.  Now go wash your brain out with soap.

(2)  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma was getting a bit nervous.  It was noon, and he hadn't
been hit by Akane once.  It was highly unusual.  He tried to think
what he'd done right.  Complimented her?  No, he didn't think so. 
Smiled at her?  Not that he could remember.  Weird.
     So what *had* he done different?  Ranma racked his brain,
trying to think.  He had chosen to eat outside, since it was sunny
and warm out.  Ordinarily, it would have helped him think, but the
birds were just being annoying today--or maybe it was him that was
irritated.  He gave up; he couldn't figure out what he'd done
differently today.  He'd just have to ask Akane when he saw her.  
     Hey!  That was it!  Ranma sat up straight.  He hadn't seen her
at all today (1)!  Well, now that he had that down pat, he dug into
his lunch with satisfaction.  You know, this actually *was* nice
and peaceful, he'd have to do this more oft--
     "Ranchan!" came a voice, followed by a hug from behind, nearly
causing Ranma to choke on his food.  He could feel breasts pushed
up against his back.  Then the girl--or very convincing
transvestite--threw a hand over his eyes.  "Guess who?" came a
sweet voice.
     Ranma *could* have thought about it before answering.  After
all, thinking about something before speaking was a good thing and
would have saved him much trouble in the past.  By now, he should
have learned, right (2)?
     "Uh, Akane?" he guessed. 
     "WHAT?!?" exclaimed the voice.  Then he felt pain.  It wasn't
the sort of pain you might feel after shattering a young girl's
hopes and dreams, although that might have been appropriate had
Ranma not been the subject of it.  No, this was a more subtle pain
(3).  It was the kind of pain that came from being struck over the
head repeatedly with a mega-spatula.  
     "How *could* you?" cried Ukyou as she smashed him into the
green earth several hundred times in quick succession.  "You forgot
our date??"  Ranma said nothing in reply, being too busy getting
his head smashed into the ground.  "Waahhhhhh!!" cried Ukyou,
running away in tears.  
     Ranma pulled his head out of the ground where it was half-
imbedded and sat up.  He looked around and saw his childhood friend
running, tears falling onto the ground behind her.  He felt a pang
of guilt.  "Wait, Ucchan!" he cried to her, standing up and hoping
he could catch up to the quickly fleeing okinomiyaki-girl.
     Almost instantly, she was standing about three inches in front
of him, smiling broadly.  Ranma blinked in surprise, only barely
restraining himself from jumping three feet in the air.  How the
heck had she done that?  
     "Oh, Ranchan," sighed Ukyou, with stars in her eyes.  "You
really want me to stay?"  
     Ranma gulped nervously.  "Well," he said with his usual charm,
"I, er, that is...you...I...uhh..."  
     Ukyou squealed in joy and threw her arms around his neck in a
hug.  "Oh, I'm so *happy*, Ranchan!"  
     Ranma futilely tried to remove her arms from blocking his air
circulation.  He started to see stars, and they weren't the ones in
Ukyou's eyes.  They seemed more like the type that hovered around
you when your oxygen supply was cut off.  He managed to gasp a
feeble "Gack...stars..."  
     Ukyou looked at him.  "Umm," she said hesitantly.  "I don't
understand."  Then she brightened.  "I know!  You're trying to say
that my father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars
from the sky and put them in my eyes?  What a sweet thing to say to
a girl (4) (5)!"  She hugged him closer, which did nothing for
Ranma (6).  
     His vision started going hazy.  A tiny part of his mind
wondered how she had gotten all that from two little words.  The
rest of him was wondering if there were uncute tomboys in Heaven. 
Ukyou must have noted his distress, for she paused and looked at
him.
     "Ranma?" she asked.  "Why aren't you saying anything?"  She
peered a little closer.  "Say, you don't look too good, Ranma-
honey," she said.  "Has Akane been beating you up again?"
     Ranma focused his ki into one final burst of energy.  It was
his last chance.  "Ukyou..." he gasped.  "Air!"  
     Ukyou blinked.  "That's a new one on me, Ranma..." she
hesitantly admitted.  Then she realized what he meant.  "Oops," she
said, letting go.  Ranma fell in a heap, gasping the sweet air of
life.  
     As Ranma sat trying to regain his breath, Ukyou sat down and
started to unpack a picnic lunch.  By the time he was able to look
up, he was surrounded by a veritable feast.  
     Ukyou beamed at him.  "I'm glad we could share lunch together
today, Ranma-honey," she said shyly.  "These things mean so much to
me."  She hesitated.  "Especially since you and Akane are on the
outs, huh?"  
     Ranma nodded eagerly, not really listening (7).  "Wow!" he
exclaimed.  "It looks great!" he said, before stuffing his face. 
Ukyou beamed at him and ate half an okinomiyaki.  Ranma had
seventeen (8).
     As he finished, Ranma gave a mighty burp and lay back,
satiated.  "That was good," he said to himself.  Then he remembered
Ukyou was there.  He sat back up.  "You know, Ucchan," he began,
"I'm really glad you came by."  
     Ukyou felt her heart lift.  "Really, Ranchan?" she asked.   
     He nodded.  "Uh-huh.  Tell me, have you seen Akane?  I wanted
to talk to her."  
     Ukyou felt her heart fall down and shatter into a thousand
pieces.  Her eyes became *very* wide and she stared at him.  "Wh-
what?" she managed to utter, horrified.  
     Ranma didn't seem to notice (9).  "Uh, well, I haven't seen
her today, and I figured you might know where she was..." he said
awkwardly.  Talking about Akane always made him uneasy.  
     Ukyou didn't answer him.  She just stared at him with big,
puppy dog eyes that begged him to say "Oh Ucchan, I was just
kidding!  Let's go make sweet okinomiyaki together (10)!"  He
didn't.  Instead, he looked closer at her.  
     "Ucchan?" he asked hesitantly.  "Is something wrong?"  
     Ukyou choked back her tears and stood up.  "N-no, Ranchan,"
she said.  "I'm f-fine.  I haven't seen Akane anywhere."
     "Oh, okay," responded Ranma.  "Thanks anyways."  Ukyou burst
into tears and ran away.  Ranma stared after her, baffled.  Didn't
she want him to be polite?


(1)  Most ordinary people would have realized this without spending
two paragraphs in agonizing thought.  Ranma isn't exactly an
ordinary person, however.  He's a most EXTRAordinary young man.

(2)  Wrong.

(3)  You know, about as subtle as a Mack truck.  

(4)  And also, unbelievably, true.  Read the description again.  

(5)  Author's Note:  Do *not* try this at home.  Or, for that
matter, anywhere where the natives speak english.  It's old, it's
cheesy, and it's apt to get you martyred long before it gets you a
date.  On the plus side, if you use it and your chosen target
*doesn't* call the police, it's a sure sign that that person loves
you very much.  Or that perhaps that person has a hearing problem.

(6)  It was certainly doing something for the author, who had to
step away from his computer for a short time when he found himself
foaming at the mouth and changing the plotline so that Ranma was
slowly and painfully killed for this heinous sin.  The author has
since pledged to switch to decaf, and is currently leading a quiet
life in the Springbrook Institute for the Mentally Impaired (11).

(7)  Ranma's brain was not located in his nether regions, as some
of his rivals and fiancees liked to think, but rather in his
stomach.  As a result, he was practically immune to most head
strikes, since it was made entirely of bone.  However, as a small
flaw, thoughts took somewhat longer to reach his brain and food was
generally able to short-circuit his thinking processes--such as
they were.

(8)  Making this a light snack for him.

(9)  Let's be honest here.  Ranma didn't notice, period.  He had no
chance of noticing.  He wouldn't have noticed it if Ukyou had burst
out of a cake naked and sung a show tune while tap dancing around
him.  Although he would have eaten the cake.  

(10)  I mean it exactly the way it's written.  Don't bother reading
anything into it whatsoever.  Ukyou is far too sweet and innocent
to ever want him to say anything else.  By the way, the author has
an Ukyou fetish, is orally fixated, and is a card-carrying member
of alt.sex.fetish.transvestite.okinomiyaki.spatula.  Join today!

(11)  Not.

                           *    *    *

     Akane fumed.  Ranma was *such* a jerk!  For the entire day,
he'd given her the silent treatment.  He'd even gone so far as to
refuse to admit she existed right in front of her!  And then he had
made a date with Ukyou!  When *she* was the one who was victimized
by all of this!!  Of all the nerve!  Well, two could play at this
game.  
     She angrily speared another vegetable with her fork.  The fork
bent (1).  She snarled at it.  That was the third one today.  She
hadn't brought any more.  She looked around to make sure nobody was
looking, then bent it back into shape.  Then she sighed.  The least
he could do was apologize!  And he wouldn't even talk to her!
     Yuka and Sayuri sat down next to Akane.  "Akane," asked Yuka,
"what's going on with Ranma?"  Akane's fork bent again.  She looked
up.
     "I don't know anybody by that name," she replied icily.  Both
girls oohed and aahed at that.  
     "Does that mean you're breaking up with him, Akane?" asked
Sayuri.  Around them, the entire male population of Furinken High,
minus the percentage currently being beaten with a mega-spatula,
leaned in closer.  
     "I *told* you, I don't know anybody by that name!" she said. 
Everybody started whispering.  Akane tried to ignore them and
turned back to her lunch.  
     "Um, does anybody have an extra fork?" she asked.


(1)  Akane was not using plastic forks.  Nor did she have tin or
aluminum.  She was using steel, and she was *ANGRY*.  The
Incredible Hulk has nothing on Akane when she gets mad.  'Course,
the Incredible Hulk has nothing on those vegetables, either.  Akane
made them herself, and they had the ductile strength of uranium,
and about the same nutritional content.  

                           *    *    *

     After Ukyou left, Ranma was left alone with his thoughts (1). 
Something Ukyou had said seemed to be on the tip of his tongue.  Or
was it okinomiyaki sauce?  He wasn't sure.  
     Then it hit him (2).  She'd asked him if he and Akane were on
the outs!  He stood up in excitement.  Then he sat back down again. 
Now what on Earth did she mean by THAT?  He hadn't seen Akane for
a day.  How could he have made her angry, this time?  Had he
forgotten her birthday?  No, that was next month.  Well, he hoped
it was, anyways.  Her Christmas present?  No, wrong season.  He was
fairly sure you needed snow on the ground for that to happen.  The
anniversary of her mother's death?  Nope, that was in November. 
Their anniversary?  Ranma's mind went blank.  He couldn't remember
the date of it.  That must be it!  He stood up purposefully.  
     Then he sat down again.  Wait a second.  They didn't *have* an
anniversary.  That was no good.  Ranma gave up.  For the life of
him, he couldn't figure out anything he'd done--or not done--to get
Akane upset, this time.  Of course, that's what he said most of the
time.  But most of the time, she came out straight and *told* him,
in exacting detail, what he'd done wrong.  
     This time, she refused to even speak to him.  Could it be...
could it be that this time...Akane was *really* mad?  
     Ranma decided he needed to talk to someone who understood
girls.  He thought of Nabiki.  Then he tried to think of someone
who wouldn't charge him for advice.  Of course!  Ukyou!  
     Ranma decided to pay Ucchan's a visit on his way home from
school.

(1)  It's so tempting to steal from the Simpsons and say that he
was alone with his thought, but I won't.  Not even a little. 
Really.

(2)  Not okinomiyaki sauce, the idea.  Hitting someone with
okinomiyaki sauce is not only messy, but a waste of good food. 
This message has been brought to you by the Japanese Okinomiyaki
Association.

                           *    *    *

     "...So you see, class," concluded Mr. Watanabe, Ranma's fifth-
class history teacher, "the Ainu are not a completely ignorant
people.  They have a unique and diverse culture, which is in danger
of extinction at the hands of technological expansion..."  
     Ranma felt his eyelids getting heavier.  He began to feel
sleepy.  It was just like being hypnotized (1).  He was a martial
artist!  What did he need to know about the Ainu to fight?  This
was so boring.  He almost wished for some new, unidentified martial
artist to attack him for no apparent reason (2).  
     He glanced over at Akane's seat.  She wasn't there.  It was
the tenth time this class he'd done that.  Now that he realized she
wasn't there, class was different.  For one thing, he didn't have
to worry about her elbowing him in the ribs if he fell asleep.  
     But more importantly, class just seemed...empty.  Like a
dream.  Dreams were reflections of real life, but they didn't quite
fit.  In your dreams, you could do anything.  Ranma had had a dream
last night about flying.  Wouldn't it be nice to fly?  Ranma
thought he'd enjoy that.  He started flying around the room (3).
     Then an eraser hit his head, and he woke up.  "Ow," he
complained, rubbing his forehead.  "Ranma Saotome!" yelled
Watanabe-sensei.  "Out in the hall!  No sleeping in my class!"  
     "Yes, sir," replied Ranma and grumpily walked out.  So it had
just been a dream.  He glanced over at Akane's desk.  Still gone. 
He frowned.  
     "Mr. Saotome!" yelled the teacher.  Ranma jumped.  Oh, yeah. 
He was supposed to go stand in the hall.  "Do you have something to
say to Akane Tendo?" 
     Ranma jumped again.  How the heck had he known what Ranma was
thinking?  "Uh, NO!  I mean, no sir!"  He slammed the door behind
him and stood in the hall, shivering a little.  
     Akane was irritated.  First Ranma kept on giving her these
unreadable looks--probably perverted ones--all day long, and now he
had to embarrass her in front of the entire class like that!  What
was wrong with him?  Her temper got the better of her.
     "WELL, FINE THEN!!" she shouted.  "SEE IF I CARE!!"  The rest
of the class started buzzing like a hive full of bees.  They had
noticed Akane and Ranma ignoring each other, and figured the pair
had had a fight over something neither was willing to back down on. 
They were just waiting for something to happen, like a dam bursting
(4).  
     The teacher frowned.  "Akane Tendo!  Out in the hall!  No
yelling in class!"  
     Akane turned pink, then sighed.  "Yes, sir."  The class buzzed
even more.  They knew what was about to happen.  Class had suddenly
gotten *much* more exciting.


(1)  Except that when he woke up he didn't have to bark like a dog.

(2)  This was not an entirely unusual thing to happen.  In fact, it
becomes unusual for it to *not* happen, the further you go in the
series.

(3)  Okay, who actually realized Ranma was falling asleep before
reading the next paragraph?  Raise your hands.

(4)  With Akane, that may or may not be a metaphor.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma stood in the hallway, carrying the pails of water that
were his punishment.  He was not happy.  "That stupid Akane," he
said to himself.  "Even manages to screw me up when she's not
around."  
     That was too much for Akane, who was very much real and
nearby, and was at that moment walking out of the door into the
hallway behind him.  "RANMA NO BAKA!!" she yelled as she threw both
buckets at him.  He didn't even bother dodging.  What nerve!  Well,
he'd see.  
     In fact, he did.  Two full buckets crashed into him, sending
him into a rather wet unconsciousness (1).
     Akane looked down at Ranma.  Oops.  She hadn't meant to do
that.  A part of Akane's mind berated her:  Well, if you didn't
mean to do that why did you throw them at him?  Akane furiously
defended herself (2).  He could have dodged!  He could have
apologized!  But he had to carry his silly game to extremes!  Fine
then!  Maybe *this* would make him change his mind!  
     Something deep inside Akane tugged at her and she sighed.  She
couldn't leave Ranma like that, lying in the hallway, covered in
water.  And in his girl form, to boot.  She sighed, and began to
check him--now her--for bruises.


(1)  A wet unconsciousness is, of course, more slippery than a dry
unconsciousness.  They are both different from a Freudian
unconsciousness, which is like an iceberg according to my
psychology textbook, and therefore made of water but also solid at
the same time.  I love being a psychology major.  It lets me play
with peoples' minds.

(2)  Speaking of psychology, that's pretty weird, even for Akane.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma woke up slowly.  He groaned.  He tried to sit up, but
the room kept spinning.
     Akane saw him move, and started to smile.  Then she erased it. 
He deserved it, the jerk.  But she was glad he was okay.  "Don't
try to sit up too fast, Ranma," she told him.  
     Ranma tried to sit up again quickly.  The room spun again.  He
felt his stomach lurch.  He focused on the room.  Wait, it wasn't
a room.  It was a hallway.  A hallway?  He went over his recent
memories in his mind.  Let's see.  Walking out the door.  Standing
in the hall.  Waking up on the floor of the hall.  He frowned, and
sat up.  He managed to do it this time with only a small flip-flop
in his stomach as protest.  
     Akane looked at him angrily.  He was *still* ignoring her! 
She couldn't believe how stubborn he was being!  She gave an angry
growl.  "Look, Ranma.  I don't like this engagement any better than
you do," she said.  "But we have to work things out.  We can't keep
on fighting like this.  And to start with, I guess I...I can
forgive you walking in on me last night."  
     She let out her breath angrily.  "Sure, it was perverted, but
you've done worse."  Unfortunately, it was true.  Everything from
sneaking into the girls change room in girl form to swimming in the
girls baths to helping Happosai steal her underwear.  But Akane was
getting used to the idea of having a hentai fiance.  Well, sort of
getting used to it.  She no longer tried to kill him when she found
him engaging in yet worse and even more perverted activities.  She
just tried to mangle him a bit, these days.  She took a deep breath
and looked at him, waiting for his response.  She hadn't realized
she had been holding her breath until that moment.
     Ranma paled.  Oh, no.  He'd fainted again.  That could be the
only answer.  He knew he'd fainted in the bathroom last night, but
he'd been too ashamed to tell anyone.  He had hoped it was some
kind of flu, or something else that would just go away quickly. 
But if this kept up, he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret or
anything.  Everybody would laugh at him!  Akane and all the others,
they'd laugh 'till they choked.  Jerks.  His face burned with the
thought of it.  He quickly stood up, hoping nobody had seen him.  
     Akane was slowly getting angry.  She'd met him halfway, hadn't
she?  And he was still playing at that little game of his!  What a
complete jerk!  She slowly simmered, fuelling up the anger that
would let her smash him into itty-bitty pieces with a single blow. 
     Ranma stopped.  Some instinct in him told him something was
wrong.  He looked around.  Nothing.  He took a step forward. 
Something jiggled.  He closed his eyes.  Oh, no.  Not *that*.  He
hesitantly felt his chest.  His eyes opened.  He was female.  
     Akane held off her attack, a bit puzzled.  What was he doing? 
"Ranma?" she asked.  
     Ranma screamed.  No!  This couldn't be happening!  Sure,
fainting was okay.  It was a girlish thing to do, but he could
accept it.  But this time, when he'd fainted, he'd changed into his
girl form!  My god--could it be permanent?  His brain didn't even
want to think about that.  Where was the nearest hot water?  
     Students came pouring out of the classrooms.  "What was that?"
they asked.  
     "I heard a scream!" said another.  
     "Akane, are you hurt?" asked one.  
     "I hear Saotome's trying to force himself on Akane!" rumoured
another.  
     Mr. Watanabe yelled, "Hey!  No yelling in the halls!" 
     Everybody, Ranma included, turned and hurriedly yelled back
"Yes, sir!"  Yuka turned to Akane.  
     "Akane, what happened?" she asked.  Akane shook her head.  
     "It wasn't me," she admitted, confused.  Yuka furrowed her
brow, then looked at Ranma.  So did everybody else.  Daisuke spoke
up.
     "What's wrong, Ranma?" he asked.  
     "I'm a girl!" cried Ranma.  Everybody stared for a half
second.  
     "Oh, is that all?" asked one.  They all left, disappointed. 
All but one.  Akane was even more confused.  Ranma was a girl.  So
what?  He became a girl when he got hit by cold water.  It wasn't
like it was something *new* or anything.
     Akane felt weak.  New?  Could it be?  She looked at Ranma. 
"Ranma?" she asked him.  "Do you remember who I am?"  He just
stared blankly.  That was it!  He'd lost his memory!  Suddenly, all
the pieces fit.  Why he'd been ignoring her, but glancing at her
covertly!  Why he was so terrified by his girl form!  She had hit
him hard on the head last night--she must have done more damage
than she thought.  She gasped.  She hoped the damage wasn't
permanent.  There was only one thing to do.  "Of course!" she said
enthusiastically.  "Why didn't I think of it before?  Dr. Tofu!" 
Dr. Tofu could fix *anything* (1).  
     Ranma was going through places in his mind.  Hm.  Nurse's
office?  No, they were closed for repairs.  Ucchan's?  Her
restaurant wouldn't be open until after school.  But he couldn't go
back to class looking like this!  And he had to know if he was
stuck like this.  It could be some sort of disease or something! 
Then it hit him.  Dr. Tofu's clinic--of course!  He always kept hot
water, and he could even ask the doctor about these stupid fainting
spells!
     Ranma slammed his fist into his hand.  "Dr. Tofu!" he said. 
"Why didn't I think of that before?"  
     Akane blinked.  "Hey, isn't that what *I* just said..." she
said, before realizing she was talking to thin air.  Ranma had
started running off.  
     "Hey!" she shouted after him.  "Baka!  Wait for me!  Do you
even remember how to get there?"  


(1)  Except for small household appliances.  Dammit Jim, he's a
doctor, not a mechanic.  

                           *    *    *

     The door to Dr. Tofu's clinic burst open.  Dr. Tofu was a busy
man, but he was always ready for emergencies.  Especially in this
neighbourhood (1).  Hence, he wasn't too surprised when Ranma came
running in.  
     "Doc!" cried Ranma.  "You gotta help me!"  As it happened, Dr.
Tofu had just dealt with the last of his scheduled patients, and
didn't have any more for today (2).  
     He smiled at Ranma.  "Certainly, Ranma.  Where does it hurt?"
     Ranma looked pained.  "Um, it's not that kind of problem," he
admitted.  "Uh, it could take a while.  Say, do you have any hot
water I could use?"  
     Dr. Tofu smiled and put the kettle on.  He sat down in a
comfortable chair, and motioned for Ranma to do the same.  "Okay,
Ranma, why don't you tell me all about it?" he asked patiently.  
     Akane burst in, huffing and puffing.  "...Said...wait...
baka...Oh!  Dr. Tofu!"  She blushed.  "I see Ranma made it here
okay."  
     Dr. Tofu smiled at her.  "Ah, come on in, Akane.  Are you with
Ranma?"  
     Ranma stared at the doctor for a second.  Who did he think he
was talking to?  "Ah, Dr. Tofu," he said, "that's Betty."  
     Dr. Tofu looked at him, startled.  "What?"  
     Ranma groaned. "Oh, boy.  How long has it been since Kasumi
left?"  
     Dr. Tofu looked at him oddly.  "Ranma, what are you talking
about?  You're not making any sense."
     Akane burst out crying.  "Oh no!" she said.  "I knew he'd lost
his memory, but--brain damage?" she finished in a whisper.  
     Dr. Tofu looked back and forth between both young patients. 
He raised his hands.  "Okay, now calm down, both of you," he said. 
He turned to Akane.  "Akane, what's this all about?"  
     Ranma sighed.  Maybe the effects of the Kasumi syndrome (3)
would wear off if he let the doctor rave for a few minutes.
     "It's all my fault, Dr. Tofu," Akane admitted, crying softly. 
"I hit him on the head too hard, and now he doesn't remember me, or
his curse, or I don't *know* what else!  And now he could be brain
damaged, too!"  She took Ranma's hand.  He didn't resist.  Or, for
that matter, notice.  
     "I'm so sorry, Ranma!" she sobbed.  "Can you ever forgive me?" 
He didn't answer, just sat there, crossly.  Almost...waiting.  She
didn't even feel the urge to hit him, this time.  
     Dr. Tofu cocked his head to one side.  "There, there, Akane,"
he said, patting her on the back.  "I'm sure it's not that bad. 
Now, I'll just examine him."  He turned to Ranma and started
feeling his head for bumps.  
     Ranma grew very nervous.  The last time he'd been near Dr.
Tofu when Kasumi walked in, he'd had his head twisted sideways.  Of
course, Kasumi wasn't as close this time--well, he *hoped* she
wasn't as close this time--but he was still wary.  He was immensely
relieved when Dr. Tofu stopped and he could still turn his head
normally.  
     "Hmm.  Well, there's multiple injuries there, but nothing that
would cause brain damage," he concluded.  
     Ranma sat up straight.  "BRAIN DAMAGE!?" he shrieked.  
     Dr. Tofu smiled.  "Oh, don't worry, Ranma.  I'm sure it's
nothing."  
     Ranma gripped the edges of his chair.  "Waitasec, doc, I'm not
brain damaged," he tried.  
     Dr. Tofu turned to him.  "Really, Ranma?" Dr. Tofu asked. 
"Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?"
     "Three," said Ranma, again bored.  "Look, can we please get to
my problem?  And the hot water?"  
     "What colour shirt am I wearing, Ranma?" asked Dr. Tofu.
     "White," said Ranma impatiently.  "Now what about that water?"
     "What's six plus nine equal?" asked Dr. Tofu.
     Ranma frowned.  "Um...fifteen?" he guessed.
     "You're normal," said Dr. Tofu.  
     "I *told* you I was," said Ranma.  "Can we talk about my
problems now?"  
     Dr. Tofu nodded.  "Perhaps that would be a good idea, Ranma. 
Tell me, what do you think of Akane?"  
     Ranma was taken aback.  "Wha-what?" he stammered.  "Why?" he
asked, surprised.
     "Well, Ranma," Dr. Tofu explained.  "You asked to talk about
your problems.  So it was either Akane or your curse, unless
there's something else I don't know about."  
     Ranma looked at him with awe.  How could he have guessed
Ranma's fears about his girl half?  Maybe he *was* a really great
doctor, after all.  He decided to go with him on this, for now.
     "Well...I dunno," he started.  "She can be really nice
sometimes," he admitted hesitantly.  
     Akane's eyes widened.  What?  Was he talking about her?  Did
he actually say she was nice?  Her heart started beating ever-so-
slightly faster.  She leaned forward.  "Ranma..."
     "But most of the time she's just a kawaiikune tomboy," he
finished.  
     "DIE, RANMA!" screamed Akane as she buried Ranma under the
clinic's beds.  


(1)  Which explains his vast collection of specialized and rare
medical books which have nothing to do with his practise of
Shiatsu, and which otherwise would have no purpose in life except
to be lent out to Kasumi.  

(2)  In medical terms, this is known as "Moving the plot along."

(3)  The Kasumi Syndrome, sometimes called Kasumi-itis, is a very
rare virus which can be debilitating or even incapacitating.  It
makes the victim confused and restless, often with symptoms of
hallucination, an increased tendency towards excitable and positive
moods, and other side effects most commonly associated with certain
brands of drugs labelled as 'uppers'.  Scientists are already
working to use this uncommon disease to figure out how such drugs
affect the immune system.  They are still baffled at the cause of
this virus, since it seems to almost randomly turn its effects on
and off.  Luckily, Kasumi-itis is easily preventable and only seems
to affect a small percentage of the population, usually young
doctors with shiatsu clinics located in the Nerima district.  

                           *    *    *

     Ranma woke with a groan.  The room was spinning.  Hadn't this
happened to him already today?  He ran through recent events in his
mind before realizing where he was.  He sat up straight and
immediately regretted it.  "Dr. Tofu!" he gasped.
     Dr. Tofu was sitting next to him.  "Yes, Ranma?" he asked. 
Ranma was relieved.  He seemed to be normal, now.  Kasumi-itis had
a limited duration, after all.
     "See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about," said Ranma.
     Dr. Tofu frowned.  "I'm not sure what you mean," admitted Dr.
Tofu.  He glanced at Akane to see if she knew.  She shrugged,
curious. 
     "Uh..."  Ranma blushed.  "It's sort of embarrassing," he
confided.
     "Well..." Dr. Tofu closed the doors.  "You know about a
doctor's vows, Ranma.  The Hippocratic Oath.  Anything you say to
me is confidential.  But do you have a problem with anybody else
hearing?"  Ranma looked around for his father.  
     "Mr. Saotome has the day off," Dr. Tofu said, apparently
reading his thoughts.  
     Ranma relaxed.  "Just so long as it doesn't leave the room,
I'm fine," he said.  
     Akane gasped.  Did he trust her that much?  Perhaps she
shouldn't have been so hasty...he'd never shown this side of
himself to her before.
     "See, doc," started Ranma.  "Ummm, I seem to be, um, that is,"
he blushed.  "ifntd."  
     Dr. Tofu cleaned his glasses absently.  "What was that,
Ranma?" he asked.  "I couldn't make it out."  
     Ranma cleared his throat, turning a deeper red.  "I, um, I fa-
fainted."  He blushed even more.  Akane was shocked.  Ranma,
fainting?  
     Dr. Tofu nodded.  "Fainting is a natural response by the body
to a number of things," he explained.  "It's a common occurrence,
and nothing to be ashamed of.  Now, can you tell me where or when
this event took place?"
     Ranma blushed even more.  "Uh...actually, I've fainted three
times, doctor Tofu," he admitted.  
     Dr. Tofu's eyebrows raised.  So did Akane's.  "Really?" he
asked.  "Then it could be serious.  When did this start?"  
     "Last night, when I was in the bath," Ranma said.  "Then this
afternoon, in the hallway.  And then, just now," he said.  Akane
was startled.  What?  Dr. Tofu digested this silently.
     "Well, I think it would be safe to call what happened just now
a concussion, not fainting," he said.  Ranma looked at him,
relieved.  "Were the others...ah...under similar circumstances?"
the doctor asked.  
     "Uh...I dunno...I guess," said Ranma.  "It felt like I'd been
hit on the head or something."  
     Something clicked inside Akane's head.  All of those times
were when she'd been there.  And she'd knocked him unconscious. 
While he thought he'd fainted.  But what was the meaning behind it?
     Dr. Tofu smiled.  "Well, now, Ranma.  I don't think you have
to worry about it at all," he said.  
     Ranma broke into a smile.  "Really, doctor?" he asked.  
     Dr. Tofu nodded.  "Yes, Ranma.  All you need to do is be nicer
to Akane."  
     Ranma looked at Dr. Tofu strangely.  "Huh?" he asked,
intelligently.  "What does being nice to a kawaiikune tomboy have
to do with--urk!"  
     Akane put down the bed she had hit Ranma with.  "Sorry,
doctor," she apologized.  Ranma didn't say anything.  He was
unconscious again.  
     "Akane," began Dr. Tofu, "since I came here several years ago
to begin practising, I've had a number of unusual cases that can't
be explained with modern science.  Sort of like being in an episode
of the X-Files.  I think perhaps this is one of those times." 
Akane looked at him dubiously.  
     Dr. Tofu glanced down at the unconscious Ranma.  "As far as I
can tell, Ranma isn't even aware of your presence, up to and
including the unconscious level.  So you might want to be a bit
more considerate to him."  He smiled.  "Think of yourself as an
invisible guardian angel."  He tapped a finger thoughtfully. 
"Well, either that, or the monster from Predator.  But I think the
angel metaphor is better suited to the situation.  Wouldn't want to
give you any bad ideas."
     Akane frowned.  Monster?  Angel?  "But--"
     "Akane, I know it sounds impossible.  But as Sherlock Holmes
once said, 'once you remove all other logical possibilities,
whatever remains must be the truth.'" 
     Akane decided not to tell him that Sherlock Holmes was a
fictional character.  She bit her lip.  "I...guess so," she said
slowly.  "How long will this keep up, Doctor?"  
     Dr. Tofu looked at her.  "I don't know, Akane.  It doesn't
seem to be natural, and I've never heard of it occurring.  I
suppose it could be psychological, but I think Ranma's stronger
than that."  Akane nodded.  Of course Ranma was strong.  He was a
martial artist, after all.  He could split bricks with his bare
hands.  But what did this have to do with fainting?
     Dr. Tofu continued in a soft voice.  "Akane, when I told you
to think of yourself as his guardian angel, I wasn't kidding."  He
quickly went on before Akane could open her mouth.  "Ranma could be
like this forever.  I don't know how long it will last.  More
importantly, I don't know if it has other side-effects.  Playing
with forces beyond our comprehension is always a tricky thing to
do, Akane.  And it can often result in tragedies we never
intended."
     "But--"
     "Akane, Ranma's going to need some looking after for a while. 
Now, as his doctor, I'm only able to tell his next of kin, and
anyone else he lets me.  That means you, Akane, since he consented
to let you listen--even if that wasn't with his full understanding
of the situation.  I'm bending the rules a little, because I'm not
sure that Ranma would understand if I told him.  I'll try to make
him understand, but it's going to be up to him--and you--to help
him recover.  Do you understand?"
     "Yes, doctor," replied Akane, chastened.  
     "Will you do it, Akane?"
     "Yes, doctor," said Akane, looking sadly at the figure still
sprawled on the floor.   

                           *    *    *

     Ranma woke once more.  This time, he had learned from his
prior mistakes--surprisingly, as it usually took him an even dozen
tries to get it right--and sat up slowly.  He opened his eyes.  Dr.
Tofu was sitting by the bedside, as usual for when he woke up in
the clinic.  This time, however, there was a steaming kettle next
to him.  "I thought you'd like this," he said, holding it out to
Ranma.  
     Ranma grabbed it and liberally poured it over himself,
grinning as he felt the transformation take place.  "Great!" he
shouted.  "I'm not a girl any more!"  
     Dr. Tofu leaned in closer.  "Ranma, while you were out cold I
did some tests.  There's nothing wrong with you that I can find. 
No viruses, no brain damage--in fact, you're in tip-top shape."  He
hesitated.  "Well, except for the lacerations, bruises and bumps
all over your body.  But that's normal, for you."  He shook his
head.  "No, whatever's going on is entirely in your imagination." 
     Ranma looked up.  "Huh?  Oh, like I'm overreacting or
something, right?"  He grinned.  "Well, no sweat.  All I gotta do
is be nice to Akane and I won't faint?"  
     Dr. Tofu looked pained, but he nodded anyways.  "In essence,
but--"  
     Ranma grinned.  "Well, then, I'll be the nicest guy in the
universe, even to that kawaiikune--<WHAM>"
     Dr. Tofu looked at Ranma and sighed.  Some things never
changed.  He examined Ranma and found him still conscious, if a bit
bruised.  Apparently, Akane had been practising restraint.  Dr.
Tofu sighed again.  "Ranma, does this tell you anything?" he asked. 
     Ranma looked up, still holding his head.  "Oww..." he
complained.  "Yeah.  It tells me I gotta start carrying around some
aspirin."  
     Dr. Tofu shook his head.  "Not quite, Ranma."
     Ranma looked up.  "What do you mean?"
     Dr. Tofu smiled and went into lecture mode.  "Ranma," he
began, "as far as I can tell, you seem to be suffering from
something that doesn't fit into normal scientific terminology."
     "Huh?  Oh, you mean it's magic or something?"
     "That's certainly one way of looking at it," Dr. Tofu agreed. 
"But it could be just about anything.  I can't tell exactly what it
is, or what it does, without a full battery of tests."
     Ranma looked sceptical.  "Tests?  I just had one already
today."
     Dr. Tofu laughed.  "Not that kind, Ranma.  You'll find these
to be, well, much easier.  No studying involved.  In fact, you'll
hardly have to do a thing at all.  We should perform them as soon
as possible...except that I don't have the proper equipment on
hand.  Could you come back, let's see...it's Friday today...I could
have it ready by, say, Sunday morning...?"
     Ranma nodded in relief.  "So, I should come back on Sunday?" 
If the tests weren't today he didn't have to worry about them.
     Dr. Tofu nodded.  "Yes, please.  Now, Ranma, there are a few
things I have to tell you--"  He stopped.  Ranma was gone.  Dr.
Tofu looked out the window and said a silent prayer for the spirits
to watch out for a particularly rash young man named Ranma...and
for the temper of the girl who had to look out for him.

                         End of Part Two

                           *    *    *


                           Part Three


                           *    *    *

     Ranma ran downtown, Akane hot on his heels, not that he
noticed.  He had one purpose in mind.  He burst into Ucchan's 
Okinomiyaki-ya.  
     "Hey, Ucchan!" he called out as he entered.  Ukyou looked up. 
She was still upset over lunch, but being a fiancee of Ranma had
steeled her to minor setbacks such as that (1).  Why, she hadn't
needed any more than two or three hours of crying to feel better! 
She beamed at him.  Maybe he'd come to apologize.  That would be a
pleasant, not to mention completely unexpected surprise (2).
     Then Akane came in.  Ukyou's smile fell like Ranma's chance of
winning the 'Miss Universe' competition after they announced the
heated pool swimming event (3).  Then again, maybe Akane had come
to gloat.  She sighed and walked over to Ranma.  "Yes, Ranma?" she
asked.  Ranma didn't notice her trepidation.  
     "Table for one, Ucchan," he said.  Ukyou brightened.  He and
Akane were separate?  "And some company?"  Ukyou's smile fell
again, this time like a lead balloon.  
     She sighed.  "Table for one.  Looks like you've already *got*
your company, though," she said.  
     Ranma looked around him, puzzled.  "What?" he asked.  "Is
Shampoo hiding somewhere, or something?"  He remembered how Ukyou
had reacted to his being polite at lunch.  Perhaps he should be
more direct.  "Ucchan, I want to talk to YOU."  
     Ukyou stared, then broke into a broad smile.  "Sure, Ranchan,"
she said.  "Just a sec."  She turned to Akane.  "And what can I do
for YOU?" she asked Akane in her iciest tones.  
     Akane looked back, defiantly.  "I'm with him," Akane growled
at her.  
     Ukyou felt her heart breaking (4), but she turned to Ranma
anyways.  "Ranchan?  Is what she says true?" she asked him.  
     Ranma was surprised.  "Huh?"  
     She pointed at Akane.  "Are you with Akane?"  
     Ranma was confused.  "Not last time I looked," he answered
truthfully.  
     Ukyou smiled, and turned back to Akane.  Akane fumed.  "Oh--
oh, just give me a table!"  Ukyou grinned, and led her to a table
in the corner.  
     Ukyou then sat down with Ranma.  "What's up, Ranchan?  Oh, I
almost forgot your okinomiyaki.  How many today?" she asked him,
standing back up.  
     He shook his head.  "It's okay, Ucchan," he said.  "I'm not
hungry."  She stared at him.  If he hadn't come to eat, then why? 
"I wanted to talk with you," he admitted to her.  
     Ukyou felt her heart skip a beat and sat back down into her
seat.  "Su-sure," she said happily.  Then she frowned.  "But what
about--" she waved in Akane's direction, who was sitting and trying
to listen in on the two of them.  She was too far away to hear
details, but she could certainly *see* them just fine!
     Ranma smiled.  Ukyou worried too much about her restaurant. 
She should learn to relax.  "Don't worry about it, Ucchan," he
said.  Ukyou was surprised, but nodded.  "Well...Ucchan...I've got
a problem.  I mean, I think I do.  Well, I don't know if I do or
not, but it's better to be safe than sorry, right?  Or maybe it
isn't.  Actually, I was hoping you would know.  At least...well,
there's someone who I think I've hurt, or insulted, or done
*something* to really badly," he managed.  
     Ukyou gave up trying to make sense of the first half of his
speech and nodded enthusiastically at his last sentence.  He wanted
to apologize to her!  Ranma continued.  "But I, uh, well, I think
she's angry, and I'm not really sure why..."  Ah!  Now Ukyou
realized the problem.  She smiled and took Ranma in hand, both
figuratively and literally.
     "Ranchan," she said softly, "sometimes a girl needs to *know*
she's the only one for a boy.  She needs to be *told* he loves her,
and only her.  If he talks to other girls more than her, or asks
her about others instead of talking *to* her, of course she'll be
upset.  It's only natural.  Do you see?"  She smiled tenderly at
him.  
     Ranma hesitated, then nodded.  "I...I guess so," he said.  "So
I need to tell her I love her?"  Ukyou nodded her head excitedly. 
Ranma was going to tell her he loved her!!  
     Ranma shook his head, dejectedly.  "I don't think I can do
that," he said.  "Isn't there something else I could do, like, uh,
get her a funny card or something?"  Ukyou tried to keep from
breaking out into tears.  Don't lose it now, girl, she admonished
herself.  
     "But...but you *do* love her, right?" she asked, faintly. 
Ranma was taken aback.  Love *AKANE*?  Ukyou noticed his
hesitation.  "Well--you have strong feelings for her at least,
right?" she begged.  Oh, please, let it be, she prayed.
     That was somewhat easier for Ranma.  Of course he had strong
feelings for Akane.  Mostly he felt that she was the most
irritating, annoying, aggravating person on the planet.  And he
felt that very strongly.  "Um...I guess so...yeah," he said,
seeming to gain confidence in his own words as he spoke them.  
     Ukyou beamed at him.  "Well then, that's not so bad, is it?"
Ukyou asked him.  "Just tell her that!"  Ranma was taken aback. 
Tell Akane she annoyed him?  That would be tantamount to suicide!
     Ukyou noticed his reticence and cursed silently.  Come on now,
girl, she told herself.  Don't let this fish get away this time! 
She leaned forward, showing off her assets to good view (5).  "I
know it's hard, Ranchan," she said in a soft voice.  "But she'll
cherish it all the more for it being hard for you to say.  Trust me
on this one."  Her eyes shone luminously as she gazed at him.
     Ranma blushed.  "But...but isn't that a bit weird to say to
somebody?" he asked her.  
     Ukyou snapped out of it.  "W-weird?" she gasped.  She
desperately gripped the table as something real to hold on to.  She
couldn't lose it now.  Not when she was so close.  She gulped and
licked her lips nervously.  "Ranchan, it's the most natural thing
in the world to say to someone else," she tried.  "She'll thank you
for being so honest, and then she'll say the same thing back to
you.  That's how it works."  How could he think it was weird?  She
had to nip that idea in the bud before it could tear him away from
her!
     Ranma pondered that particular grain of wisdom.  He had the
feeling that no matter what Ukyou said to the contrary, if he was
to tell Akane she was getting on his nerves, she'd kill him.  But--
Ukyou *did* know girls better than he did.  That was why he was
talking to her, after all.  Maybe she had something there.  But he
wasn't quite sure.  He decided to clarify his position.  "But
Ucchan, I've told her that a hundred times!"  
     Ukyou nearly fainted.  Ranchan loved her, he did!  He did! 
She noticed him eyeing her oddly and realized she must be acting a
little strangely.  She tried to keep the flush off her face as she
thought of how to reply.  "R-really?" she stuttered.  "I never--I
mean, I--oh, Ranchan--you have to come out and *say* it!  If only
I had known, I--"  She started crying.
     Ranma began to feel guilty.  Here was Ukyou, with her own
problems, and he was laying all of his on her shoulders.  She could
be so *sensitive* sometimes.  He tried to make her cheer up.  "Aw,
Ucchan, it's okay.  I guess I was never good at words, but that's
not your fault, is it?"  He smiled a dazzling smile at her.  
     She sniffed and stared into his eyes, lovestruck.  "N-no,
Ranchan.  Of course not..."  She sighed.  "Oh, Ranchan.  You have
to be direct!  A girl can't be *sure* you mean what you say unless
you're straight and to the point!"  She smiled at him.  Finally,
she would hear the three little words from him she longed for,
dreamed for...
     He frowned.  "Direct?"  His brain ran through a scenario of
him telling Akane she aggravated the heck out of him, right to her
face.  His brain went into the corner and hid itself, whimpering in
fear.  "What do you mean by direct?  I mean, do you mean *direct*
direct?  Or could I just, you know, hint at it a little?  I mean,
I *could* just say it straight, but..."
     "Just--just come right out and say it!"  Ukyou was ecstatic. 
He was going to say it!  He was!  But...he wasn't saying anything. 
Then she remembered Akane.  Not to mention the customers.  And the-
-oh!  Of course!  How could she have been so foolish?  Of course he
didn't want to say it in front of everybody like this!  She glanced
over at Akane, who was fuming.  She didn't seem to realize what was
going on, though.  Ukyou thought that was for the best.  Now that
she had Ranchan, she really didn't need to antagonize Akane any
further.  
     "It's best if you do it privately," she confided shyly, "and
make it a special moment for both of you."  There.  He ought to get
the hint.  Hmm.  This was Ranma.  Maybe not.  "And...she might make
it special for you, too."  She blushed at her own forwardness.
     Ranma blinked uncertainly.  "I guess so," he said, obviously
unconvinced.  "So I, uh, tell her how I feel."  Ukyou eagerly
nodded.  "And then she thanks me for being honest about it."  She
nodded again.  "And then she tells me she feels the same way." 
Ukyou nodded vigorously.
     Ranma thought he had it now.  It was sort of like marriage
counselling.  You came out straight and talked about the problems
you had with the other person, and you both agreed on some way to
work them out.  It was so simple, he liked it (6).  He smiled. 
Then a nagging thought crossed his mind. 
     "But, Ucchan--what if she doesn't like me saying that to her?"
he stammered.  "I think she'd be angry at me."  He wasn't sure he
wanted to be alone with Akane when she got angry.  The paramedics
might not be able to get to him in time.
     Ukyou stared.  Could he be that insecure?  Hadn't she told him
so many dozens of times how she felt?  She suddenly felt horribly
stupid.  With Ranma, *words* didn't mean much at all.  He was a
martial artist.  ACTIONS were what counted.  She'd been doing it
all wrong, all this time, without even realizing it.  So many
wasted months...years, even...if she had only known!  
     "Ranma..." she murmured.  "She does.  Trust me."  And she
would prove it.  HIS way, for once.  She leaned forward, closing
her eyes.  How could she have been so blind?  If a kiss was what it
took--or a hundred of them--then it was a price she would gladly
pay any day of the week for her beloved Ranchan!
     Ranma smiled.  He was really blessed to have such an
understanding friend as Ukyou.  Who else could he talk to about
Akane?  Ryoga would kill him, Nabiki would blackmail him, Kasumi
wouldn't even understand him, his father would just give him
another speech about women and marrying Akane, Kodachi would drug
him, Kuno would try to date him, Mousse would hit him with a toy
potty, his mother would force him to commit seppuku and Happosai
would do something totally depraved--no, Ukyou was the only real
friend he could count on in this.  Now he knew exactly what to do. 
     Ukyou kept leaning forward, eyes closed.  She knew it
sometimes took time for boys to get the nerve to kiss a pretty
girl, especially their first time.  She was patient.  She'd waited
so very long for this moment, and she didn't want to rush it.  
     But even for Ukyou, five minutes was a long time.  She decided
she'd cheat a little and peek.  Ranma was gone.  She glanced around
the room, eyes open, startled.  He had left the restaurant.  Worse
yet, Akane had left with him.  
     A primal wail of rage emanated from Ucchan's.  


(1)  Like having your world crumble around you, being kidnapped by
an unnamed martial artist/demon/god for unspeakable purposes,
finding out the love of your life has yet another fiancee other
than yourself, finding him in a compromising position with one of
the aforementioned other fiancees, and discovering your fiance is
an aquatranssexual, just to name a few.  All of these have happened
more than once, by the way (including discovering him to be an
aquatranssexual.  Ranma thought he'd been cured more than once
during the series, only to find later it was just a temporary fix).

(2)  As opposed to a pleasant and completely expected surprise, of
course.  
     "Can I change this future?"  -Lisa Simpson
     "No.  Just try to act surprised."  -Fortune Teller

(3)  I have no idea whether they have a heated swimming pool event
in the Miss Universe competition, but if not, they should--just in
case.  Either that or open up the talent category to include
shapechanging.

(4)  With Ukyou, this was an hourly event, similar to Akane beating
up Ranma.  In fact, it was as so regular and precise that locals
had started to set their watches to it.  This led to a disaster one
day when Ranma decided to go on a vacation without his fiancees,
and everybody was convinced their watches had broken.  Finally,
order was restored when his fiancees tracked him down and
confronted him, whereupon Ranma was beaten up by Akane and broke
Ukyou's heart enough times to put everybody's watches back on
track.

(5)  Ukyou was wearing a snappy outfit which had no decolletage but
had her net worth in yen, as calculated by Nabiki herself, sewn
into it near the neck on the front.  Come on, you hentai are really
pushing.  You think I'd give in that easily?

(6)  Ranma liked simple things.  His life had been far, far too
complex for his taste so far.  

                           *    *    *

     "Dinnertime, everybody!" called Kasumi.  
     Everybody sat down at the table to eat.  Nabiki looked over at
Akane.  "So Akane, what's the story with you and Ranma?"  
     Mr. Tendo started to cry.  "Oh, my daughter and her fiance are
fighting with each other!!"  Ranma ignored him.
     Akane sighed.  "Daddy, please.  I was over at Dr. Tofu's,
Nabiki.  It seems Ranma is suffering from a rare disease or
something like that.  Something weird that isn't in the medical
books."
     "Oh, my," added Kasumi.  "I was just reading a book Dr. Tofu
lent me on rare and strange diseases."  
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  "A rare disease that makes him rude
and selfish?  Gee, *that's* a convenient excuse."  
     Ranma stopped eating and looked up at Nabiki.  "Nabiki, just
who exactly do you think you're talking to?" he asked her,
unamused.  
     Nabiki was startled.  "What?" she asked him. 
     Akane gave her an 'I-told-you-so' look.  "He can't see me any
more," she confided.  
     Soun burst into a new array of tears.  "Oh, my son-in-law
can't see my daughter, his fiancee!!  How terrible!!"  Everybody,
Ranma included, ignored him completely (1).
     "There, there, father," soothed Kasumi (2).
     "Hm," said Nabiki.  "I guess that means it extends to sound,
too.  What about the other senses?"  
     Ranma looked disgusted.  "Ha ha.  I mean, it's cute and all,
but the act gets boring *real* fast."  
     Nabiki got a speculating look on her face and turned to Ranma. 
Everybody ignored this, too (3).  "Ranma, how much would you pay me
to tell you where Akane is?"  
     Ranma cocked an eyebrow.  "That kawaiikune tomboy?  Man, why
would I *pay* to--<WHAM> <SMASH> <THUD>--urk?"
     "Oh, my!" exclaimed Kasumi, looking at the unconscious figure
of Ranma lying on the floor.  His back was bent at an angle not
usually found in humans.  Live humans, anyway.
     Nabiki looked at him.  "Well, I guess that answers *that*
question.  Hm.  So it extends to at least three senses."
     Akane looked bored.  "Why not just say it affects all the
senses, Nabiki?  He can't detect me in any way."  
     Nabiki grinned at her younger sister.  "Why, what do you mean,
Akane?  Do you smell that much?  You're supposed to shower after
gym class, you know."
     Akane turned scarlet.  "Wh-what?" she stammered.  
     "Oh, my!" added Kasumi.  
     "That's NOT what I meant!!" yelled Akane, still red.  Mr.
Tendo started wailing again.  Mr. Saotome started on his fifth
bowl, unperturbed by any of this.
     Nabiki smiled.  "I know, Akane.  You're just too easy to
tease, sometimes.  So he can't see you.  When did this all start?" 
     Akane thought about it.  "Uh...I guess, last night."  
     Nabiki nodded.  "Right after dinner, would you say?"  
     Akane thought about it some more.  "Um...yeah!  How'd you
guess, Nabiki?"
     "I just put two and two together.  Do you want to find out how
to cure him?"
     "Oh, Akane!  Oh, Nabiki!  How self-sacrificing!  How noble! 
Akane!  You do love Ranma, after all!!"  Her father sobbed into his
sleeve.  
     "Oh, my!" added Kasumi.  "How touching!"
     "That's not it!!" exclaimed Akane.  "I just--ohhh, how much,
Nabiki?"  
     "Three thousand yen."  Nabiki smiled.  
     "What?" gaped Akane.  P-Chan wandered into the room, attracted
by the shouting.  Akane unconsciously scooped him up in her arms. 
"One thousand is all I'll pay!" she said furiously.
     "Done," replied Nabiki.  She had been willing to settle for a
hundred.  After all, it was only common sense.  They'd figure it
out sooner or later--probably sooner--without her, so it was just
a quick buck (4).
     "Go ask Shampoo what she put in Ranma's ramen," Nabiki said. 
"There's your 'disease' for you."  
     There was silence as everyone digested this fact.  Akane
started to get angry.  
     "How *dare* she!" she yelled.
     "Of course!  It all fits!" cried Mr. Tendo.
     "Shampoo?" queried Kasumi.  "But she was so polite!"  
     Everyone went back to dinner, more or less.  This sort of
thing was normal for them.  Ranma was laid down on the sofa until
he woke up, and everybody else continued in silence, going their
various ways afterwards.
     Well, everybody but one.  
     P-Chan stared at Ranma with hatred and curiosity.  Ranma's
curse?  What had his old rival done *this* time?  Whatever it was,
it couldn't be good.  He resolved to make Ranma pay for it.  


(1)  Which is really too bad.  If Ranma had paid attention just
this once, he might have learned something interesting.  

(2)  Okay.  ALMOST everybody.

(3)  Which was too bad as well, because every time this happened,
one or more of them paid for it.  Literally.  The reason nobody
paid attention to her look was because it was no different from the
one she normally used to signify indifference, interest, boredom,
or, for that matter, sleep.

(4)  Actually, it's a quick $8.50 US.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma woke up, groaning.  He quickly did a scan of the room. 
He shivered.  Fainting again.  This time, in front of everybody
else, no less.  Oh, well.  There was nothing he could do about it. 
He swung his legs down onto the floor.  Maybe he could lie his way
through it.  All he had to do was turn the legendary Saotome charm
on...
     Ryoga charged him.  Ranma blinked, but his instincts were too
finely-honed to be caught off guard.  He leapt up, letting Ryoga
pulverize the sofa instead.  Ranma landed behind his rival.  "Man,
Ryoga.  How many times do I have to tell you, this is no place to
fight!  If you gotta get beaten up again, let's do it outside."  
     Ryoga snarled.  "Shut up, Ranma!  What have you done to Akane,
this time?"  
     "Whaddaya mean, *this* time?!?" demanded Ranma.  Then he
frowned.  "Oh.  Right...I wish I knew, believe me."  
     Ryoga stopped.  "What?  You mean you don't even know what you
did to her?"  
     Ranma's eyes lit up.  "You mean you do?"  He smiled.  "Ryoga,
old buddy, old pal.  We haven't talked in a long time, have we?" 
He patted Ryoga on the back amiably. 
     Ryoga tried to bite Ranma's hand.  "You're not getting
anything from me," he retorted.  "At last!  Akane will be mine!" 
He charged at Ranma, lashing out with his fists.
     "Do you think that's a really good idea to say that," asked
Ranma, "seeing as how she's standing right there?"
     Akane paused, startled.  She'd heard shouting from downstairs
and come down to see Ranma and Ryoga at it again--in the house,
despite the hundred warning's they'd had--just in time to hear
Ranma's last sentence.  Her eyes widened.  Had Ranma actually seen
her?  Was he cured? 
     "What?" asked Ryoga.  He turned around and saw Akane.  His jaw
dropped.  "A-akane," he stammered.  "I, uh, I didn't, I mean I--
urk!"
     Ranma grinned as he put his fist down.  "Boy, that idiot is
nearly as dumb as Kuno."  He paused in a rare moment of reflection.
"Still, he's usually not *that* dumb.  Seeing Akane's face when she
isn't even there.  Dumb as a--urk!"  
     Akane shivered in anger as Ranma fell at her feet.  How *dare*
he get her hopes up that way!?  She stomped off, to work her anger
out on a dummy (1).


(1)  Not Ranma, a *practice* dummy.

                           *    *    *

     Ranma walked into the kitchen, still rubbing his head.  He was
getting headaches more and more frequently these days.  He sighed
and opened the fridge.  Maybe there was something from dinner left
over.  
     "Yo, Ranma," said Nabiki, "what's up?"  
     Ranma looked up.  "Where did *you* come from?" he asked her.
     Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  "Are you sure you want to talk to
me like that?"  
     Ranma backed up a few feet.  "Oh, no," he groaned.  "What did
I do this time?"  
     Nabiki smiled knowingly.  "Well," she said, "I wouldn't be the
one to talk about it.  That is," she amended, "if I had a little
incentive."
     Ranma winced.  "Okay, okay," he moaned.  "How much?"
     Nabiki pursed her lips.  "Oh, I think I could guarantee my
silence for no more than...five thousand yen."
     Ranma's mind boggled.  "WHAT!?" 
     Nabiki smiled at him.  "Welll, if you want me to tell Akane,
then that's okay..."  She let the sentence hang in the air.  Her
patience was not in vain; Ranma snapped at it like a drowning man
seeking support.
     "Okay!" he said.  "Just don't tell her!"  He paused.  "Um...I
don't have much on me right now..."
     Nabiki smiled at him.  "That's okay.  I'll put it on your
tab."  
     Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing now that the danger
had passed.  In fact, he was so relaxed that he forgot entirely
that he didn't even know what she was talking about--which was a
good thing for Nabiki, since she had no idea, either.
     Ranma looked back into the fridge.  "Yuck," he complained. 
"Nothing but leftovers."
     Nabiki leaned in closer.  "Say, Ranma," she said.  "How would
you like to hear where Akane is?"

                           *    *    *

     Mr. Tendo came down the stairs to find Nabiki walking out of
the kitchen.  "Ah, there you are," he said.  "I've been looking all
over...what are you doing?" he asked, noticing the wad of bills in
her hands.
     Nabiki smiled at him.  "Oh, just figuring out how much money
I can put into my RRSP this year."
     "Oh, I see," said Mr. Tendo, not seeing at all.  "Well...I was
hoping we could talk about Ranma for a while, before bed.  You
know, a nice father-daughter chat?"
     Nabiki nodded.  "Of course, Daddy.  At the usual rate, of
course."
     Mr. Tendo groaned.  "Why must I have such an ungrateful
daughter?"
     "Do I have to tell you about THAT, Daddy?" asked Nabiki
mischievously.  "What would you like to know about men and women?"
     "Nabiki!" cried Soun.  "I'm being serious!  What do you know
about what's happening to Ranma?"
     "How much do you have?" she retorted.

                           *    *    *

     "Mm...boy, you sure can make a great miso soup, Kasumi," said
Ranma in between slurping down the bowlful in his hands.  He
stuffed a fishcake in his mouth without stopping for breath.
     'Yes, breakfast is great,' said Genma's sign.  He spun it
around.  'Seconds, please,' said the back.  He held out his bowl.
     Kasumi smiled as she dished out more soup into the panda's
bowl.  "Why, Ranma, you're certainly in a good mood this morning."
     Mr. Tendo frowned.  "Yes, he is."  Then he smiled broadly. 
"Ranma!  You must be cured!  Is that it?"
     Ranma stopped eating for half a second.  "Cured?" he asked,
then resumed stuffing his face.
     Mr. Tendo frowned again.  "I guess not," he said.  "But...if
he can't see Akane...why would he be so happy?"
     "I wouldn't know," responded Akane icily.  "I'm glad he's so
happy without me.  I know *I'm* having a wonderful time."
     "Oh my," interjected Kasumi, "you're doing a wonderful job of
hiding it."
     Ranma stopped stuffing his face for another microsecond. 
"Speaking of Akane, where is she today?" he asked.  Nabiki smirked
silently.
     Mr. Tendo pointed right next to Ranma.  "Right there, Ranma."
     Ranma looked, then gave Mr. Tendo a cold stare.  "Uh-huh," he
retorted.  "Sure."
     Ranma was suddenly spun in place by a very large panda, ending
up dizzily facing Akane.  Genma shoved a sign in Ranma's face. 
'She's right there, idiot!' it read.
     Ranma bashed his father over the head.  "What was that for,
Pop?!?"  Mr. Tendo started crying again.  Nabiki laughed.
     Akane glared at her.  "Oh, and what's so funny, Nabiki?"
     Nabiki wiped a tear from her eye.  "All of you...Ranma,
especially.  He's so much fun to tease."
     Akane's eyes narrowed.  "What did you tell him *this* time?"
she demanded.
     Nabiki defended herself smoothly.  "Nothing important," she
said.  "But why would *you* be so concerned for his welfare?"
     Predictably, Akane blushed and started stammering.  "I-I'm not
concerned for that baka at all!  He can get himself killed for all
I care!"  Soun started crying again.
     Ranma turned to Nabiki, not noticing the tomboy in between the
two of them.  "Hey, Nabiki," he said.  "Where's Akane?"
     Nabiki looked thoughtful.  "I think she's visiting her aunt in
Osaka," she told him.
     "WHAT?!?" shouted Akane.  "I'm right here!!"
     Ranma nodded.  "Oh," he said.  "But shouldn't she be in
school?"
     Nabiki shook her head.  "She got a special exemption pass
because auntie Kumiko is dying."
     "WHAT?!?" cried Soun.  "My dear sister is dying?"  He started
wailing.
     "Oh, my!" said Kasumi.  "How sweet of Akane, to go visit her!"
     "I'M RIGHT HERE!!" yelled Akane.
     Ranma shook his head.  "Gee," he said.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't
even know Akane *had* an aunt."
     Kasumi blinked.  "Oh!" she exclaimed.  "He's right!  Father
was an only child, weren't you, father?"
     Soun stopped wailing.  There was silence as everybody looked
at him.  He coughed uneasily.  Then he started wailing again.
     "NOW what!?" yelled Akane.
     "I'm crying for the sister I never had!" he sobbed.
     Ranma turned his glare on Nabiki.  "So," he said.  "You were
*lying* to me!"
     Nabiki looked hurt.  "Moi?" 
     Ranma was confused for a second.  "Don't you try changing the
subject," he warned her.  "I see right through that fancy stuff in
a second (1)."  
     "I'm sorry, Ranma," apologized Nabiki sarcastically.  
     "Well, good," he said earnestly.  "Now, what's the truth? 
Where's Akane?"
     "I'M RIGHT HERE!!" Akane screamed.
     "SHE'S RIGHT THERE!!" shouted Soun.
     "She's sleeping over at Yuka's place," lied Nabiki.
     "Oh," said Ranma.  "Thanks, Nabiki."  He grabbed his school
bag.  "Well, I'm off.  See ya!"  He ran out the door.  Soun and
Genma fell over.
     "This is hopeless," sobbed Soun.  "I just can't get through to
him...the poor boy..."
     Akane fumed.  "If Nabiki was just willing to be *nice* for
once..."
     Soun sat upright.  "That's it!" he cried.
     "What's it?" asked Akane.  Behind her, Genma raised a sign
asking the same thing.
     Soun turned to Nabiki.  "Nabiki!  Ranma trusts you!  He
listens to you!  You can help him and Akane get married!"
     "WHAT?!" yelled Akane.
     Nabiki pouted.  "But it's so much more fun to tease him," she
complained.
     Soun sighed.  "How much?" he asked her.
     "Daddy!" exclaimed Akane.
     Nabiki considered.  "If I told Ranma the truth, he wouldn't
believe me," she said.  "BUT...I could tell him a few lies,
carefully cultivated to earn his trust..." suddenly her eyes
widened, and she turned to Akane.  "Akane, aren't you supposed to
be following Ranma in case this gets worse?"
     Akane's eyes widened.  "Oh, no!" she exclaimed.  "You're
right!"  Akane got up and ran.  
     Nabiki smirked.  "It's almost too easy," she said, turning
back to her father.  "Now...daddy...Mr. Saotome..." she took a deep
breath, enjoying the dramatic buildup.  "How much would you pay me
to get Ranma to tell Akane he loves her?"


(1)  Some philosophers believe that to God, a million years is but
a second.  I just thought I'd point that out.

                        End of Part Three

                           *    *    *


                            Part Four


                           *    *    *

     Ranma ran to school with a feeling of unease.  Said feeling of
unease panted heavily as she considered the merits of jogging every
morning, and the length of time it had been since she stopped that
practice.  Akane silently cursed Ranma's seemingly tireless
physique, not for the first time that morning.  Of course, she
consoled herself, he had had a head start.  That was it.
     Ranma slowed, then stopped.  It just didn't feel the same to
him.  Every morning, without fail, he and Akane ran to school--
fighting, bickering, nearly killing each other, usually ending up
with a melee the size of World War Three.  And today, that was
missing.  
     Some observers might have expected Ranma to be skipping
happily along the way to school (1) or dancing into class with joy,
but that wasn't the case, today.  Instead, he kept looking over his
shoulder uneasily.  It wasn't that he *missed* her.  Oh, no.  Ranma
was *glad* to have a respite from all that.  But he kept expecting
to find her there, berating him for something or the other she
thought he'd done wrong.  
     Only, whenever he looked back, all he saw was empty space. 
Somehow, that was vaguely disturbing to him.  As if one of the
familiar icons in his life had simply disappeared.
     Ranma couldn't figure it out.  He couldn't count the number of
times he'd wished Akane would just leave him alone--and now that
she had, he was wishing she'd walk around the corner.  His feelings
were in turmoil, and he couldn't understand them.  Luckily, Ranma
had a tried and true method for dealing with things he didn't
understand.
     "THAT STUPID AKANE!" he shouted, at the top of his lungs.
     That Stupid Akane turned pink and turned to smash him into a
bloody pulp.  Ranma was no longer there.  Akane blinked in
surprise.  That meant that either he had learned to avoid her,
or...
     "Shampoo!" spluttered Ranma from the ground where he now lay,
spread-eagled.  "Wh-what do you think you're doing?"
     Shampoo purred as she snuggled close to her beloved husband. 
"What *you* think Shampoo doing?" she asked, not really demanding
an answer.  She snuggled even closer.  Of course, she was already
quite close, having jumped onto him from her bike and saving him
from Akane's wrath, which tended to put their two bodies relatively
close together as it was--but that didn't stop the curvaceous
Amazon from getting even nearer.  She had had quite a lot of
practice at that sort of thing.  
     Ranma turned red.  "Uh...ah..." he said, hoping to get out of
both question and embrace.  "Is this multiple choice?"  
     Akane snapped out of her shock and grabbed Shampoo's hair,
tugging it painfully up and forcing the brazen Amazon to her feet. 
Shampoo turned angrily and sent a punch in Akane's direction that
would have bent a steel bar.  Akane only barely managed to dodge
it, ducking underneath with a quick gasp of effort.  
     "Uh...not that I'm complaining or nothing..." said Ranma,
slowly getting up from the ground, "...but...um, what, exactly, are
you doing?"
     "I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU, YOU DOPE!" yelled Akane, jumping over
a second punch.  "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS *HELP* ME!"
     "Shampoo just practice fight-fight," said Shampoo
nonchalantly.  "Ranma want try?  Shampoo point out invisible enemy,
and Ranma hit.  Is good training!"
     Akane nearly slapped herself in the head, except that she knew
that would be doing Shampoo's work for her.  She had forgotten all
about Ranma's curse!  Make that Ranma's *latest* curse.  She backed
up, angry with herself for not having remembered.
     "Umm..." hedged Ranma, "maybe some other time.  Look, Shampoo,
I gotta go to school..."
     Shampoo turned to him.  "Okay, Ranma.  Shampoo no hold you."
     Ranma blinked.  "You won't?  I mean, you're not?  I mean, uh,
what *do* I mean?"  He shook his head, trying to clear it.  This
had the effect of making things about as clear as pea soup.  "What
are you talking about, Shampoo?"
     Shampoo smiled sweetly at him.  Akane gagged soundlessly in
the background.  "Shampoo understand husband need own time for
manly things.  She know Ranma love Shampoo, come to her in own
time.  Shampoo wait for him."
     Ranma facefaulted.  "Uh..." he said, standing back up again,
"that's...quite a change for you, isn't it?"  He grabbed her hands,
turning them over to find the hidden magic charm he knew would be
there.  He didn't find anything.  He turned them over again,
puzzled.  Then he started checking her pockets for hidden drugs,
charms, or other traps of assorted natures.
     "What the *heck* do you think you're doing, you hentai?!?"
demanded Akane.  "The minute you think I'm gone!!  The very
minute!"
     Shampoo looked at her, irritated that her adversary was still
there.  "Akane go away now," she said.  "Ranma and Shampoo want be
*alone* for a while."  She turned to Ranma and licked her lips. 
"LONG while."  
     Akane snarled at her, then took a step forward.  Shampoo
blanched.  Ranma was inadvertenely holding her in a way that made
it difficult to fight Akane.  At the same time, Shampoo didn't want
to end this voluntary closeness that she might not get again for a
few weeks (2).
     Ranma looked up at Shampoo.  "Akane?  Did you say 'Akane'?" 
He seemed to be searching her face--for what, Akane wasn't sure. 
Reassurance?  Relief?  Or...something else?
     Shampoo smiled.  She had just been given a way to deal with
one of her most hated enemies.  "What you think of Akane, Ranma?"
she asked, in a sweet and innocent tone.  "Tell truth.  You love
Akane?"  
     Ranma's eyes widened in shock (3).  "That tomboy?  Are you
nuts, Shampoo?!?"  Akane stopped advancing on Shampoo and turned
her gaze to Ranma.  Had he been aware of her stony stare, he would
have become quite pale, all of a sudden.  As it was, the Tokyo
Stock Exchange suddenly dropped 73 points as a sudden feeling of
impending doom fell over the floor.
     Shampoo smiled demurely, quite a feat for the Amazon girl. 
"But what you *really* think of her?  Shampoo think Ranma in love
with Akane."
     Ranma let go of Shampoo.  "How could I fall in love with such
a kawaiikune tomboy?  She's built like a brick!  She poisons me
when she tries to cook!  She's like a demon!  A monster!"
     Shampoo's eyes glittered evilly.  "Really?"
     Ranma nodded, not seeing Akane turn purple.  "A monster!  She
gets jealous of me and beats me up all the time!  There's no *way*
I could ever love such a stupid, sexless girl!"
     Shampoo pressed closer.  "But you live with her!"
     Ranma put his hands out in defence.  "Only 'cause I gotta! 
Pop makes me!  Man, if I had the choice, I'd be outta there in a
second!"
     Akane raised her fist into the air.
     "C'mon, Shampoo," tried Ranma.  "You're talking crazy.  Akane
is nothing to me.  Why are you asking all this stuff?"
     Akane paused.  Her fist wavered in the air.  
     Shampoo feigned surprise.  "Ranma no lie to Shampoo?  Ranma
really *hate* Akane?"
     Ranma hesitated, confused by the two questions.  "Um, yeah, I
guess so," he admitted after a second's hesitation.  
     Akane's hand came down...and fell to her side, limply.  She
turned away.  "Fine," she said.  "See if I care.  I don't care at
all!  Not one bit!"  She choked.  "You baka," she said in a small
voice.  She started walking away.  "You win, Shampoo."  Under her
breath she added two words: "for now."
     Shampoo grinned like a hawk that had just eaten dinner.  Ranma
hesitated again.  "I mean, I'm not lying to you.  I don't *hate*
Akane...not HATE..."  He paused again.  "I mean, she can be
stubborn at times, but..."
     Shampoo waved his words away, still watching the retreating
figure of Akane, too far away to hear Ranma's confused reply.  "No
worry about that, Ranma," she said.  "No worry about Akane ever
again."
     Ranma looked at her sharply.  "Huh?  What?  Why?"
     Shampoo blinked.  "Because Ranma is Shampoo's husband," she
explained simply, as if to a child.
     Ranma gruffly pushed her away.  "I got to go to school,
Shampoo."
     Shampoo smiled, letting him go.  He'd be back.

(1)  As everybody *else* in this fanfic seems to be doing.

(2)  Until the *next* time she carried out a scheme involving
magical and highly illegal drugs to win Ranma's temporary
affections, or at least muscular control.

(3)  Possibly because it was the first time any major character in
the series had mentioned "Akane" and "love" to him in the same
sentence (Genma and Soun don't count).

                           *    *    *

     Ukyou walked over to Ranma.  She sat down next to him where he
was eating his lunch in a zombie-like trance.  "Ranchan, what's the
matter?" she asked him.  "You haven't said one word to me today."
     Ranma perked up and looked over at her.  Then his face fell. 
"Oh, it's you," he sighed.
     Ukyou stopped.  "'Oh, it's you'?"  She grabbed him by the
shirt.  "What the heck is *that* supposed to mean!?"  
     Ranma waved his hands in defence.  "Ahhh!  Ucchan, I didn't
mean nothing by it!  I was just talking, you know, talking?"  
     Ukyou glared at him skeptically.  "Uh-huh," she said.  "Sure." 
She let go anyway.  "So who died?"
     Ranma stared at her.  "What are you talking about?"
     Ukyou snorted.  "Don't play innocent with me, Ranchan.  I've
known you since we were six, after all.  I can *read* you.  And
ever since this morning, you've been moping around.  You weren't
paying attention in class..."  She started ticking off points on
her fingers as she spoke.
     "I always do that," Ranma told her.
     "...You didn't fall asleep once...!"
     "I got plenty of sleep," said Ranma defensively.  "So what?"
     "...You looked like Hell in gym...you missed the ball six
times..."
     "I had a bad day!  So what?  Everybody does, once in a while!"
     "...You didn't even blink when Happosai ran past you..."
     "What are you talking about?  I didn't see nothin'!"
     Ukyou stopped midsentence and stared at him.  "Ranma, how
stupid do you think I am?  He ran over you!"
     Ranma blushed.  "I didn't see him!"  Mentally he made a note:
So *that's* what that was.
     Ukyou shook her head.  "Maybe I should rephrase that.  How
dumb do you think *I* think you are?"  Ranma opened his mouth. 
Ukyou rolled her eyes.  "I didn't really want an answer," she said. 
"Look, Ranma...play dumb with me if you want to, but I think I
deserve to know what's going on."  Her voice softened.  "As a
friend."  She sighed.  "C'mon, Ranchan.  You can level with me. 
What's bothering you?"
     Ranma shook his head.  "You're imagining things, Ucchan.  What
would I have to be depressed about?  Besides, I really didn't see
the old freak!"
     Ukyou snorted.  "Well then, what about when half the girls in
Furinken ran over you while chasing him?  If Akane and I hadn't
taken you to the nurse's office, you would've been out of it for
hours.  As it was, you got to next class on time.  And did you so
much as say thank you?"  She shook her head, trying to let her
pent-up anger dissipate.  She sighed, and continued ticking off
things on her fingers.  "...You agreed to let Kuno go out with the
pig-tailed girl..."
     Ranma snapped his head up.  Ukyou smiled.  She'd figured
*that* one would do it.  Ranma grabbed her.  "You've seen Akane!?"
he asked her excitedly.  
     Ukyou facefaulted (1).  "...But...Kuno..."
     Ranma blinked.  "What about him?  He been bothering you now,
or something?  You want me to beat him up for you?"
     Ukyou waved a hand in front of Ranma's face.  "Earth to
Ranma...hello, Ranma...?"
     Ranma irritably pushed her hand away.  "I'm right here," he
said.  "Ummm, look," he said, wittily changing the subject, "where
*is* Akane, anyway?"
     Ukyou swallowed the first three things to say that came to
mind.  She sighed again.  "Is Akane what all this is about?" 
     "What all *what* is about?" demanded Ranma.
     Ukyou sighed.  "I...see."  She looked sadly at the ground. 
"Oh, Ranma..."  Ranma began eating again.  Ukyou considered
throttling him.  "HEY!  I'm trying to create pathos here!  The
least you could do is pay attention!"
     Ranma looked back up.  "Um, sure," he agreed nervously,
wondering what pathos was and why Ukyou wanted to make any, when
everybody knew she was better at making okinomiyaki (2).  
     Ukyou composed herself and started to wilt again.  "...I guess
I see where things are headed," she sighed.  "...But...whatever
happens...I want you to be happy, Ranchan.  If...if that's what it
takes..." she choked on her words, "I'll let you go."
     Ranma stood up, wiping his face with a napkin.  "Okay, thanks. 
See you around, okay?"
     Ukyou suddenly had a sharpened spatula at his neck and a wild,
frenzied look in her eyes.  "WHAT?!?  How *dare* you?!?  I didn't
*mean* it, you jerk!!!"
     Ranma smiled nervously at her.  "Oh...well...ummm..."
     Ukyou's eyes glittered murderously.  "You...you were going to
leave me...!" she said incredulously.  
     Ranma gulped.  "Well...I have a class..."
     "For Akane!  Shampoo, I could understand.  Amazon magic might
be able to stem the course of true love for a while.  But that
tomboy?!?"
     Ranma blinked.  "Ukyou, what are you talking about?"
     Ukyou looked at him incredulously for a moment.  "You don't
mean..." she stared at him.  "Nobody could be that..."  She
groaned.  "Ranchan, you can be *so* thick-headed sometimes."  She
lowered her spatula from his neck, much to Ranma's relief.
     "Whew," he said with no little amount of relief.  "Do you
really gotta keep those things so sharp?  What kinda food is that
tough?"
     "Trust me, you don't want to know," said Ukyou darkly. 
"Legends say the first okinomiyaki chef died in mortal combat with-
-oh, that's not important," she deftly changed the subject.  "Why
don't we start from the beginning again?"  She turned a dazzling
smile on Ranma.
     Ranma blinked, blinded by the sudden glare.  "I got class..."
he hedged.  
     Ukyou pointed at the clock and did a bit of hedge-trimming. 
"You've got class in ten minutes, Ranchan!  Now what's been
bothering you?  Can I help you?  Please?  That's what a fiancee is
for, you know..."
     Ranma smiled at her.  "Gee...thanks," he said.  "Maybe you
*can* help.  Have you seen Akane?"
     Through an enourmous effort of will, Ukyou resisted the urge
to turn him into hamburger.  "We've already done this scene," she
told him patiently.  
     "Is that a no?" he asked.
     Ukyou sighed heavily.  "If it means getting to the heart of
what's bothering you, Ranma..." she pointed behind him.  "She's
standing about, oh, three feet behind you."
     Ranma jumped in surprise and then spun in place using his
hands to lift his body.  And kept spinning, back to facing Ukyou. 
Both girls gaped at the singularly odd motions of the young man in
front of them.  
     He stood up.  "Try me again," he told Ukyou darkly.
     "What?" asked Ukyou, taken aback.  She stood up to match him. 
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
     "I said, try me again," he told her again.  "I don't like
games, Ucchan (3).  Tell me the TRUTH!"
     Ukyou looked at him, then up at Akane, a bewildered expression
on her face.  "She's...she's right there, Ranma..."
     Ranma didn't even bother looking back this time.  His face
hardened.  "No dice, UCCHAN."  Ukyou winced at the emphasis on his
words.  "I thought you were my friend, but you're against me too. 
You all are!"
     Akane blinked.  Well, *that* was certainly new to her.  
     Ukyou's eyes widened.  And widened even further as he failed
to back down and start laughing at what could only be a tremendous
practical joke.  "Wh-what?" she asked him weakly, trying to get a
handle on what was going on.  "Ranchan...of course I'm your f-
friend...I'm *more* than--"
     Ranma cut her off with a sneer.  "A *friend* wouldn't lie to
me, Ukyou.  I thought you were different."
     Ukyou turned red.  "How *dare* you say that to me, you jerk? 
I've done nothing but *been* a friend to you since I got here--"
     "Oh yeah?  Like trying to kill me is being my friend?" he
demanded.
     Ukyou's head snapped back in anger.  "That was only once!" she
retorted.  "Before I really knew you!  Before I knew you were sweet
and nice--or at least, you WERE--"
     Ranma's face was flushed an ugly colour.  "*I* ain't the one
who's lying!"
     "I...AM...NOT...LYING!!" she shouted.  "If you think this is
*fun* to play with my feelings this way, you've got another think
coming, mister!"
     Ranma growled at her.  "Oh yeah?  *I* don't play games! 
Unlike *some* people I could mention!"
     Akane smiled nervously and stepped in between them.  "Ummm,"
she said shyly.  "I think this has gone far enough..."
     "YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!" yelled Ukyou.
     "FINE!" yelled Ranma.  "If that's the way you want it, just
see if I don't!"  He spun on his heel and walked away.
     "That doesn't make any sense," commented Akane.
     "AAAAGGHH!" yelled Ukyou.  "I hate you!  I hate you, you
bastard!"  She collapsed, weeping tears of bitterness, on the
ground.  Akane glanced down at her, an expression of mixed pity and
anger on her face that quickly transformed into pained irritation. 
She turned and ran after Ranma.


(1)  This was extremely difficult to do, as Ukyou was being grabbed
by Ranma at the same time.  Ukyou, the tough contender she is,
managed to pull it off in her usual flawless form, bringing in a
9.5, 9.0, 9.5, and from the American judge, 3.2.  But who needs
Americans, anyway?

(2)  The answer was, of course, that pathos is not a foodstuff.  It
is, as any high school graduate can tell you, an NHL hockey team. 
Why, or more properly how, Ukyou planned on making a hockey team is
unknown, but considering the most recent additions have been a team
named after puissant canards (the Mighty Ducks) and one named after
a group of uniformly old white men with college educations (the
Ottawa Senators), she might as well give it a try. 

(3)  Ranma was lying.  He thoroughly enjoyed soccer, baseball,
hockey, martial-arts skating and, on Fridays, a good rousing game
of pinochle.

                           *    *    *

     Ukyou let her tears mix with the ground below her.  She sighed
and looked up at the school clock.  She was late for class.  She
shrugged and leaned against one of the nearby trees to support
herself.  She sank down onto the grass.  Right now, she didn't care
about school.  How could this have have happened?  How could she
have *let* it happen?
     Behind her, the bushes rustled.  She didn't care enough to
look over at it.  Then the bushes started talking, and she glanced
up.  Her eyes widened.

                           *    *    *

     "Great-grandmother," pouted Shampoo, "why you make Shampoo
come here?  Shampoo wanting to enter big tournament this afternoon. 
Now everybody say Shampoo too afraid to fight!"
     "Because," said Cologne, hitting her great-grandchild over the
head with her staff, "you must be close if you are to catch your
future husband when he leaves school.  Besides, I asked your cousin
Chun Li to take your place.  I'm sure she'll do passingly well--for
a such a young woman in the tribe, anyway.  You would do much
better."
     "But great-grandmother," said Shampoo, "Shampoo no have worry
about Akane.  Why need hurry?"
     Cologne gave her descendant a patronizing smile.  "So you can
blackmail him for her safe return, of course.  He'll have to agree
to marry you, and then..."
     Shampoo smiled.  "And then, everybody live happy ever after!"
     Cologne nodded.  "Or at least, everybody who matters."

                           *    *    *

     Ukyou gasped.  So *that* was it!  How diabolical!  Ukyou felt
her strength returning.  She knew her Ranchan would never desert
her!  She'd known all along it could only have been some horrid
Amazon magic!  She'd never doubted him for a second (1)!  She
grimly stood up.  There was no *way* she'd let Shampoo get away
with this!
     Then she paused.  But Ranma wouldn't listen to her right now,
would he?  She felt doom creeping up on her, but fought the feeling
off.  Now was no time to give up!  This was just the beginning (2).
     She pounded her fist into her hand.  She had it!  She'd have
to find proof--and the antidote.  That way she could stop Shampoo
from blackmailing Ranma, and show up her rival as the conniving,
cold hearted vixen she was at the same time!  She paused.  She was
forgetting something.  Something...important.  Oh, yes--that was
it.  She could save Akane, too, while she was at it.
     But she had to do it before school ended.  Ukyou groaned.  She
had a test next class...but it was either that, or lose Ranma to
wedded misery, Chinese style.  She snarled curses relating to low
marks in Geography class (3) in Shampoo's general direction and
sneaked out of the school grounds.


(1)  And if you believe that, I've got some prime Florida real
estate to sell you.

(2)  Luckily for the author, this is actually part four, and not
merely one extended prologue.  Whew!  If this thing gets over a
hundred pages, please shoot me.  I *need* my sleep!

(3)  But as we all know, not in geography.  Ukyou has very
interesting geography.  In fact, her Okinomiyaki-ya is located on
a prime spot of Nerima real estate, just right to catch the
businessmen coming home from a long day of work, and close to
school, too.  (4)

(4)  Hentai baiting is a sport when done properly.

                           *    *    *

     "DIE, RANMA!!"
     Ranma looked up half a second before a fist went through the
space he had been occupying, creating a small crater in the ground. 
Once again his innate reflexes had saved him from being turned into
okinomiyaki by his fiercest rival (1).  
     "Yo, what's up, Ryoga?" he asked as he landed. 
     "DIE!!" shouted Ryoga a second time.  He swung his fist at
Ranma.
     "This is getting old fast," commented Ranma blithely as he
dodged out of the way, letting a tree take the brunt of Ryoga's
wrath instead.  The tree, which had been but an innocent bystander
up until this point, was smashed into slivers of wood, leaving a
wife and two children behind (2).  
     "What's up *this* time?" continued Ranma.  "Gonna blame me for
getting lost?  Didja end up in Hokkaido instead of the grocery shop
again?  Or was it Okinawa instead of school?"
     "You can't talk your way out of this one, Ranma!" yelled
Ryoga.  "This time, I'm going to make you *pay* for what you've
done to Akane!!"  
     "Akane?"  Ranma's eyes widened as he ducked and rolled,
kicking Ryoga in the stomach on the way past him.  He immediately
regretted his action.  It felt like he'd kicked a brick wall. 
"What'd I do to her now?"
     "Don't play dumb with me!" yelled Ryoga.  He glanced over to
where Akane was watching and smiled at her, as well as the gathered
crowds of Furinken high.  Several girls swooned in the audience. 
Ryoga didn't notice--as usual.  He raised his fist high and jumped
towards Ranma, his foot outstretched towards his rival.  "Today is
the day you die, Ranma!!"  
     "Whatsa matter, P-Chan?" asked Ranma sardonically while
blocking, "Mommy's widdle baby get up on the wrong side of Akane
this morning?"
     Ryoga froze in sudden horror.  While social psychologists
still debate the relative merits of conditioned responses, ten out
of ten agree that freezing suddenly while flying forward in midair
is not the brightest of actions.  Ryoga dove into the ground face-
first, leaving a large furrow in the earth.
     Ranma blinked, as surprised as anybody else present at his
sudden and rather unexpected escape.  
     Ryoga stood back up slowly and glanced at Akane furtively. 
Her eyes were wide as saucers and she stood stock-still.  He opened
his mouth.  "No!" he cried.  "Nonono!  It's not what you--I never--
don't believe--"  He started crying.  He had been overconfident and
was paying the price.  But how could he ever give up Akane?  How
could this be happening?  He sank to his knees in despair.
     Ranma patted Ryoga on the shoulder.  "Aw, c'mon, it's not that
bad," he told his arch-rival.  "Cheer up!"
     Ryoga slowly swung his head up to regard Ranma.  "It's not?"
he asked, incredulous.
     Ranma smiled encouragingly.  "Sure!  Hey, at least Akane
wasn't here!"  He laughed.  
     Ryoga swung his head towards Akane, then back at Ranma. 
"Nooooo!" he shouted.  "This can't be happening!"  
     Ranma blinked.  "Um, Ryoga," he said, "don't you think you're
taking this, well, just a bit worse than you should be?"
     Ryoga started sobbing.  "Akane...oh, Akane...I'm so sorry..."
     Ranma shook his head.  "I told you, she's not here!"
     Ryoga grabbed Ranma by the shirt collar.  "I'll kill you,
Ranma!  How dare you--Akane--you promised--I'll murder you!!"  He
raised a fist.  
     Ranma quickly kicked Ryoga off him and into a tree.  "And just
*where* do you see Akane!?" he demanded.  He ground his teeth. 
"I'm getting sick and tired of that joke," he muttered under his
breath.  
     "And just *where* do you see P-Chan, Ranma?!?" demanded Akane
as she kicked him into the stratosphere.  He left behind little
streak marks on the ground, ordinarily something Akane would have
been proud of.  Of course, ordinarily she wasn't this angry with
him, either.
     She turned back to Ryoga, now sliding down the tree trunk. 
"Oh, Ryoga," she said.  "Defending my honour...you're always so
protective of me and P-Chan."  She sighed as she tried to see if he
was hurt.  Her sigh became a shout.  "It's not *your* fault Ranma
is such a pervert that he'd spy on me in bed!!"  Her voice turned
icy.  "When he gets well, I'm going to have a little *talk* with
him about that!"


(1)  No, not Ukyou--even though she could probably turn him into a
darn tasty okinomiyaki, if she ever tried to again.

(2)  Lest anyone believe that this fanfic supports cruelty to
lumber products, the rest of the family was given generous support
checks from their local insurance agent, and lived happily ever
after.  The tree in question became a nice set of lawn furniture,
and pursued a career in landscaping.

                           *    *    *

     Ukyou looked at herself in the mirror and smiled.  The smile
wasn't discernible through her mask, however.  In fact, Ukyou was
covered head to foot in camouflage.  Not the kind of camouflage you
might wear at night, or in the forest, or when trying to sneak past
sentries.  No, this was something only someone as skilled as Ukyou
could make.  It was camouflage to hide in a restaurant.  
     Ukyou checked her tabi (1) to make sure they were on securely. 
She tied the thin cord around her waist as a belt, and as a final
step, tied her long hair into a ball and tucked the ends under her
shirt.
     Now ready, she climbed up the wall of her okinomiyaki-ya and
onto the roof.  From there, it was a short trip to Shampoo's Cat
Cafe...and her goal.


(1)  Tabi are the nearly silent shoes that were traditionally worn
by ninja on missions.  Even today, they are said to be the mark of
sneaky and disreputable people.  They're also quite comfortable. 
Not that the author would know that firsthand, of course.  

                           *    *    *

     Mousse grumbled to himself as he swept the floor.  Sweeping
the floor.  That's all he did around there.  At least, until the
customers came and the Nekohanten opened for business.  Then it was
serve the customers, serve the customers, serve the customers.  And
afterwards, he had the dubious distinction of doing the dishes and
mopping the floor.  But if it meant being close to Shampoo...
     Meanwhile, Ukyou sneaked past him, tip-toeing around his broom
as she silently made her way towards the kitchen door.  Until now,
she had been creeping underneath the tables and along the walls,
but she had no choice now but to go through the doorway.
     Mousse stopped his work for a moment to sigh in bliss.  His
Shampoo!  So perfect, so beautiful, so full of life!  One day she
would be his, he just knew it!
     Ukyou paused, sensing his sudden change.  Had he seen her? 
She stayed as still as possible, trusting in her handy disguise to
keep her invisible to his senses.
     "Oh, Shampoo..." murmured Mousse, quickly resuming sweeping
with a flourish.  By blind chance (1), his broom was aimed right at
Ukyou.  She hastily jumped on top of the nearest table and danced
around to avoid his ill-aimed broom.
     Sneaking in past an almost blind waiter ought to have been a
snap, she thought--especially in her disguise.  If she had known it
was going to take this long, she would have warned Ranma first.  Or
even Akane.  Well, SOMEBODY, anyway.  She stifled a sigh and waited
for him to move out of the way.  
     "Oh, Shampoo," he murmured, calming down and leaning against
the broom.  It, being a broom and not the wall he had imagined it
to be, gave way, sending him sprawling onto the ground, his glasses
skittering along the floor.  
     Ukyou reached down and picked them up, smiling.  She chortled
in glee and started to race towards the kitchen door.  Suddenly, a
piercing voice made her freeze in place.
     "Mousse!" yelled Cologne, Shampoo's great-grandmother.  "Was
that you chortling in glee?"  
     "Not I," yelled back Mousse from the floor where he was
ignomiously sprawled out on.  "I just tripped."
     Ukyou began to sweat.  Trust the old hag to find her!  She
inched towards the door nervously.  She was so close!  
     "Good," came back Cologne's reply.  "I wouldn't want you to be
happy working here."
     Mousse blinked, then resumed looking for his glasses.  Ukyou
gave an inward sigh of relief and grabbed the doorknob.  "Old
mummy," growled Mousse under his breath.
     "Just for that, I want you to mop the floors before opening!"
yelled Cologne.
     Ukyou opened the door and quickly jumped through, closing it
behind her without so much as a whisper.  Giving a ragged breath of
relief, she turned her attention towards the kitchen.  What she
needed was a recipe.  Likely to be found in a book, her well-honed
culinary training told her.  
     She glanced around the cookbooks in the room.  'A Hundred And
One Ways To Serve Ramen', said one.  'How To Bake Your Cake And Eat
It, Too', proclaimed another.  'Forty-Seven Ways To Skin A Cat',
said a third, while the next was 'Cooking Chinese Duck For
Newlyweds'.  Ukyou shook her head in disbelief and went on. 
'Secret Magical Recipes of the Joketsuzoku tribe', was the next. 
She quickly grabbed it out of the stack, ignoring the rest of the
books (2).
     It had large red kanji written on the front cover.  'DO NOT
READ THIS', Ukyou read.  Below it were smaller letters that spelled
out 'THIS MEANS YOU'.  She smiled an evil little smile of knowing
she was doing something that would later make somebody very, very
annoyed at her, and opened the book.  Immediately a cloud of dust
sprang forth and she started choking, trying not to cough.  Someone
ought to give Shampoo some advice on cleaning, she thought absently
while in the process of turning blue.  Finally, the cloud settled
to the ground and she quickly turned the pages until she found the
index.  

     Turning handsome princes into toads...page 42.
     Turning handsome toads into princes...page 47.
     Turning princes' heads, by use of spandex...page 12.
     Turning undead, see "Army of Darkness."

     Too far, she thought, turning back a few pages.

     Balancing the budget, see "Miracles."
     Boiling water...page 1.
     Boiling oil, its uses in marriage counselling...page 31.
     Curdling milk, by gaze...page 50.

     Not far enough, she thought, turning back a page.  

     Making love in a canoe, see "Canadians."
     Making someone forget their troubles...page 21.
     Making someone forget about themselves...page 39.
     Making someone forget about others...page 22.

     Ah-ha! she thought.  That's it!  She turned to page 22.
     "Didn't I say not to read that?" asked a voice from behind
her.
     "AIIIIIIEEEK!" screamed Ukyou, jumping five feet into the air. 
She landed face-to-face with the creature from the Black Lagoon. 
"Cologne!" she shrieked.  "How--how did--!?"
     The old ghoul laughed.  "I could hear your 'ah-ha' a mile
away, girl!"  
     Ukyou frowned.  "Really?  But...but...I didn't *say* ah-ha..."
realization dawned on her.  "You mean, you can read thoughts?!?"
     Cologne laughed.  "What, are you crazy?  Of course I can't!" 
She pointed at Ukyou's outfit.  "But that suit really clashes with
the decor, you know.  I came in for a cup of tea and spotted you
fooling around with things you shouldn't."
     "What do you mean, clashes?" asked Ukyou irritably.  "I'll
have you know this is a state-of-the-art restaurant ninja suit!"
     Cologne shook her head.  "You don't find very many okinomiyaki
in a Chinese cafe, girl."
     Ukyou blushed a deep crimson.  "Oh..." she said, belatedly
realizing her error.  She hadn't thought about that...half her suit
was covered with life-like pictures of steaming okinomiyaki.  Of
course, it blended right in inside *her* restaurant, where she had
tried it on...
     "So what are you doing here, girl?" asked the old crone,
interrupting her train of thought.  She glanced at the book Ukyou
was futilely trying to hide.  "Forgetting someone?  Now why would
you want to make somebody forget about you?"
     Ukyou snorted at the old woman.  "As if you didn't know," she
said defiantly, "I'm here to get the antidote for Ranma."
     Cologne looked at her with surprise.  "Antidote?  Ranma?  What
fool idea has gotten into you, girl?"
     Ukyou's eyes flashed.  "You know perfectly well what I'm
talking about, old ghoul!  Making it so Ranma can't see Akane any
more!"
     Cologne paused.  "Making it so...that's not right."
     Ukyou stamped her heel.  "You bet that's not--what?"
     Cologne was ignoring her and pacing the room.  "Ranma can't
see Akane?  That can only mean one thing!"
     Ukyou blinked.  "What?"
     "It didn't work!" said Cologne.
     Ukyou shook her head slowly.  "Oh, no," she said.  "You're not
getting out of this *that* easily."
     Cologne irritably rapped Ukyou along the knuckles with her
staff.  "It didn't work the way it was supposed to, I meant."  She
glared at the young girl.  "You've seen Akane?"
     Ukyou nodded silently, wincing as she shook her newly injured
hand behind her.  Cologne sighed.  "Something must have
happened..."  
     "What are you talking about?" asked Ukyou intelligently.  
     Cologne turned to face the okinomiyaki chef-turned-spy.  "You
saw Akane and Ranma together, after she ate the Eradicating Ramen?" 
Ukyou nodded.  Cologne rolled her eyes.  "And didn't you think that
was a bit unusual?"
     Ukyou blinked.  She was getting tired of not having the
faintest idea of what was going on, but she was a very patient
girl.  Also, it wasn't like she had much of a choice.  "Why?  Wait-
-ERADICATING ramen?"
     "Exactly," said the old crone with the voice of wisdom, the
weight of ages, and the height of garden gnomes.  "The formula
Shampoo used should have made Akane disappear completely.  It is an
ancient magical recipe that relies on the secret name of every
living thing in the world.  If you know it, you can make the world
forget it exists--and it does."  Ukyou blinked.  "If it had worked
right, Akane would have ceased to exist."
     Ukyou's eyes widened.  "You would have killed her!"
     Cologne put out her staff in between them.  "Calm down, girl. 
Shampoo never meant to get rid of Akane that way.  She didn't know
what she was doing, and I got back too late to stop her.  But now
that it's done..." she stopped, then snarled.  "Now that it's
messed up, I should say.  I wonder what..." she stopped, her eyes
widening.  "That's it!"  She snapped her fingers.  "Someone else
must have eaten the noodles destined for Akane--and I know who!"
     Ukyou thought about it.  "Well," she guessed, "I haven't seen
Mr. Saotome recently...no great loss, there..."
     Cologne bopped Ukyou with her staff.  "Idiot!  Only the person
whose hair is in the ramen will disappear!"
     Ukyou gave Cologne an angry look.  "So the ramen didn't work?"
     Cologne sighed.  "Oh, it worked all right.  It erased Akane
from someone--just not from herself."
     Ukyou still looked puzzled.  Cologne shook her head.  "Can't
you see, girl?  Ranma ate the cursed ramen!  He doesn't know she
exists any more!"
     Ukyou gasped in horror.  "Oh, no!  That's horrible!  We've got
to--" she paused.  "Wait a second..."  She got a calculating look
in her eyes.  "With Akane out of the picture, that just leaves
Ranma and...me..."  Ukyou clasped her hands together in joy.  At
last, Ranma was free of all those messy obligations to other girls
that forced him to avoid admitting his love for her!
     "Aren't you forgetting someone?" asked Cologne archly.  "My
Shampoo will be the one to marry Son-in-law."  She shook her head. 
"Never mind that...it won't work, girl.  The recipe wears off in 48
hours if it's not done right the first time."
     Ukyou blinked, daydreams of her wedding popping away into
nothingness.  "What?"
     Cologne sighed.  "There is no antidote...I lied.  But the
whole thing will wear off two days from when the victim first eats
the noodles--forty-eight hours exactly."
     Ukyou's mouth twisted into a frown, then back into a smile. 
"Well, then," she said.  "I've still got--"
     Cologne reached out her staff to block Ukyou's path.  "Just a
moment, girl," she said menacingly.  "Nobody has ever broken into
the Nekohanten--and lived to tell of it."
     Ukyou blanched.  "Wh-what happened to them?" she asked in a
whisper.  "What did you do to them?"
     "Nothing," the old hag replied with a shrug.  "Nobody has ever
tried to break in before."
     "You mean I got afraid for NOTHING?!" demanded Ukyou angrily.
     Suddenly, the door behind Ukyou opened and Mousse walked in. 
"Oh, hello Ranma," he said.  "Have you seen my glasses?"
     Ukyou grabbed his arm.  "Mousse!" she cried.  "It's a horrible
alien space-thingy imitating Cologne!"  She dove past him out the
door before he could react and slammed it shut, running as fast as
she could out the restaurant.  There was a muffled explosion from
behind her.  She grinned; her last chemistry class had shown her
how mousse exploded when put under pressure.
     "Curse you, Mousse!" cried the old ghoul.  "Get those stupid
chains of yours off me!"
     "If only I'm not too late!" panted Ukyou as she sprinted
towards Furinken High.


(1)  No pun intended.

(2)  Which was a very good thing, indeed.  Right after
'Shakespeare's collected works' and a five-hundred year old copy of
'the National Enquirer' ("COLUMBUS DISCOVERY A HOAX, EXPERTS SAY"
and "SPACE ALIENS STOLE THE SPANISH ARMADA"), was a pristine copy
of the Necronomnicon (3).

(3)  The Book of the Names of the Dead, from H.P. Lovecraft's
devious and insidious novel.  Not to be confused with the
Necrotelecomnicon, which contains their telephone numbers.

                           *    *    *

     "If only I'm not too late!" echoed Ranma, pacing down the
hallway.  He stopped and growled.  "Something's not quite right
here.  Make that *definitely* not right."  He stopped and gazed out
the window.  "If only I knew what..."  He punched his fist into his
open palm, frustrated.
     Akane sighed.  "You're under a spell, Ranma," she said, for
the twentieth time.  For the twentieth time, he ignored her.
     Ranma tried to think.  As always, it hurt.  "Okay...everybody
seems to think Akane is here, except me.  Even Ryoga, and he's a
crummy actor.  He couldn't act to save his own skin.  Why, he
couldn't--" he stopped himself with an act of willpower.  
     "He's under a spell," Akane reminded herself through clenched
teeth.  "I'm not supposed to hurt him.  Much."
     "So," he said to himself.  "What force could possibly make
everybody except me think she's there?"  He let out his breath
slowly.  "That *does* sound a bit weird," he allowed himself.  "In
fact," he said, slowly building up, "that's *too* weird!  It can
only mean one thing!"
     Akane looked up at him expectantly.
     "THEY'RE ALL UNDER A SPELL!!" he shouted.  Akane facefaulted.
"That's it!" he said, excitedly.  
     "That's it, all right," agreed Akane darkly.  "I'm leaving. 
You can deal with your problems yourself, baka."  She walked out,
leaving him alone with his thoughts.
     "There's just one thing missing," said Ranma.  "What have they
done with the *real* Akane?  And why?"  He licked his lips and made
a fist, gazing out the window into the sky.  "Whatever it takes,"
he promised to the empty room, "I'm going to get you back, Akane!"

                        End of Part Four

                           *    *    *


                            Part Five


                           *    *    *

     Ukyou stumbled against the school gate.  "Not...too...late,"
she panted, out of breath.  "Got to...warn...Ranma..."  She started
to walk forward again, painfully and slowly.  The bell rang.  A
screaming mass of Furinken High students ran over her.  
     Nabiki casually walked up to the girl now buried in the
ground.  "Hey, what's up?" she asked.  
     "Mrph," explained Ukyou.  She popped her head out of the
ground and stood up.  "Ranma!" she exclaimed.  "I've got to tell
him about the ramen!"
     Nabiki's eyes narrowed.  If Ukyou was to tell Ranma, it could
make her lose money!  And ruin her plans, too.  She had to do
something.  Nabiki being who she was, and not, say, Ranma, she
fought best with her mind.  She lazily smiled at Ukyou.  "Ramen?"
she asked.  "You mean the magical noodles Shampoo fed him?  He
already knows all about it."  
     Ukyou blinked.  "What?" she asked.  
     Nabiki nodded.  "I figured it out a while ago.  Tell me, did
you find out the antidote, too?  That one took me two hours."
     Ukyou blinked.  "You mean there *is* an antidote?" she asked,
stupefied.  "Cologne said it just took 48 hours to wear off!"
     Nabiki mentally noted these important facts and smiled her
most endearing smile.  "And you believed her?" she asked
sarcastically.  "She *is* working for the other side, you know." 
She hesitated.  "Of course, I *could* use the antidote on Ranma for
you..."
     Ukyou lit up.  "Really?  You'd do that?  For me?  Hey, thanks,
Nabiki!  You're not nearly as bad as--"
     Nabiki held up a finger.  "For a fee, of course."
     Ukyou sighed.  "--as a plague of locusts, and even that's
debateable."  She shook her head, as if to berate herself for
thinking such foolishness about Nabiki Tendo.  "How much?"
     "How can you place a price on Ranma's happiness?" asked
Nabiki.  "After all,--"
     "10,000 yen," interrupted Ukyou flatly.
     "Don--" shouted Nabiki, before catching herself.  "Ahem," she
said.  "Actually, I'm not going to charge you a single yen for
this."
     "No?" asked Ukyou suspiciously.  "My heart and soul already
belong to Ranchan.  You can't have them."
     Nabiki smiled.  "I was thinking more of a promise not to
interfere with the antidote."
     Ukyou looked at her, puzzled.  "Of course not!  Who do you
think I am?"
     Nabiki just looked at her.  "You won't like it..."
     Ukyou stuck her chin out.  "I give my word!"
     Nabiki nodded.  "Okay, and I'll also need--"
     Ukyou shook her head slowly, grinning from ear to ear.  "Nuh-
uh, Nabiki.  We had a deal.  One promise, for one antidote."
     Nabiki glared daggers at her.  "Oh...okay," she relented
finally.  "One antidote, for one promise, plus free lunches for a
month."  She shook Ukyou's hand.
     "What?" asked Ukyou belatedly.  She shook it off.  "No
matter," she said.  "I've got to find him, before it's too late!"
     "It's too late," said Nabiki.  
     Ukyou glared at her.  "Ha!  That's what *you* think!"
     Nabiki shrugged.  "Suit yourself.  But he's already gone."
     Ukyou stared.  "Gone?" she asked.  Then she shook her head
violently.  "It can't be!  I'd know the feel of him stepping on me
anywhere!"
     Nabiki sighed.  "He had a last class spare today, remember?"
     Ukyou closed her eyes.  "No," she breathed.  
     Nabiki smiled.  "I could tell you where he is, for 500 yen..."
     Ukyou sighed.  "Deal," she said.  "Beggars can't be choosers. 
Where is he?"
     Nabiki pointed.  "He went to the Nekohanten."
     Ukyou stared.  "But I just came from there!!  Why would he
possibly go there, of all places?"
     "They're having a 2-for-1 special."  Nabiki handed the
okinomiyaki girl one of the several hundred posters now hanging
around the school grounds that said exactly that.
     Ukyou crumpled it in her hand.  "How diabolical!" she
whispered harshly.
     "Well, I thought it was pretty savvy, business-wise," Nabiki
admitted, "but hardly diabolical.  After all, the profit margins
involved--"
     Ukyou shook her head.  "That's NOT what I meant!" she said. 
"Shampoo's using it as a trap to lure Ranma away!"  
     Nabiki shrugged.  "Oh, that," she said offhandedly.  "Well, I
suppose somebody should rescue him then, right?"  She looked at
Ukyou pointedly.
     Ukyou looked back at her just as pointedly.  "I don't see
why," she said calmly.  Nabiki blinked in surprise.  "He can take
care of himself."  Nabiki's mouth dropped open.  "Besides, you
promised you'd give him the antidote."  
     Nabiki's mouth shut.  "Okay, okay," she said.  "I'll get you
a date with Ranma if you rescue him."
     Ukyou looked insulted.  "A date?  What kind of girl do you
think I am?  You think I can't get a date with him myself?"
     Nabiki sighed.  "I can guarantee he'll ask you to the junior
prom," she offered.
     Ukyou's eyes twirled.  "Th-the prom?" she stammered.  Visions
of a handsome Ranma whirling her around the dance floor, the most
beautiful couple in the room...him proposing to her on the
spot...she, demurely blushing...then he would--
     "Deal!" said Ukyou quickly.  She turned around started running
for the Nekohanten.
     Nabiki smiled.

                           *    *    *

     "So ya see, Ryoga, I'm trying to be friends," said Ranma.  
     "Yeah, right, Ranma," said Ryoga.  "Tell me another one."
     Ranma controlled his temper.  "Really!  I mean it!  Look,
we've been fighting, um, how long?  A year?"
     "Three years, four months, twenty-six days, fourteen hours
and--" he glanced at his watch, "nineteen minutes.  Whoops, make
that twenty."  
     Ranma nodded.  "See?  I was close.  Anyway, it's time to
stop."
     Ryoga looked at Ranma suspiciously.  "Has Shampoo been feeding
you those purple mushrooms of hers again?"
     "NO!" yelled Ranma.  "Look, Ryoga...I know you don't believe
me, but I want to be friends." 
     Ryoga shook his head absently, before looking up at the
street.  "Well..." he considered.
     Ranma sighed.  "Look, okay--just a temporary truce.  That
sound better?"
     Ryoga made a slight smile.  "Okay, which of your fiancees is
trying to kill you now?"
     Ranma rolled his eyes.  "All of them, as usual.  But that's
*not* why I'm doing this.  How low do you think I am?"  Ryoga
didn't bother answering.  "Look, it's for Akane."
     Ryoga looked up.  "Akane?" he asked.  "Why didn't you say so?"
     "Well, I thought it'd be better to--say," asked Ranma.  "Are
you sure this is the way to the Nekohanten?"
     Ryoga blinked in surprise.  "Ranma, I thought *you* were
keeping track of where we are.  You *know* how bad I am with
directions."
     Ranma stopped in his tracks.  "Oh, yeah."
     Ryoga panicked.  "You mean you've been following ME?"
     Ranma scratched his head.  "I dunno, this looks pretty
familiar..."
     Ryoga put his hands to his head in panic.  "It's probably
Jhusenkyou!  Let's get out of here!"
     Ranma shook his head.  "No!" he said.  "We're not going to get
anywhere if we panic!  We have to ask directions."
     Ryoga nodded sagely.  "You're right...for once," he added.  He
turned and addressed a passer-by, an old man.  "Excuse me, sir," he
said politely.  "Could you tell me what city we're in?"
     The old man stared at the two boys for a moment.  "Nerima," he
said at last, his tone of voice suggesting they were morons.  
     "Thank you, sir," replied Ryoga, and the two ran off.  
     "Crazy kids," muttered the old man as he walked through the
Nekohanten's main gate.

                           *    *    *

     Shampoo fretted.  "What keeping him?" she asked, pouting.
     Cologne smiled.  "It doesn't matter, great-granddaughter. 
Just remember...all you need to do is get him alone for a few
moments."  
     Shampoo nodded.  "Okay, Great-grandmother.  Then Shampoo just
need tell Ranma that Akane leave?"
     Cologne sighed.  "That Akane left him," she corrected.  "Now
tell me the story again.  And try to make it sound natural this
time"
     Shampoo nodded dutifully.  "Ranma, Shampoo want talk to you
about Akane...Shampoo so sorry for Ranma...Shampoo only hear today
that Akane run away from home and leave Ranma!  She phone Shampoo,
tell her she hate you, never want to see you again--is so sad, yes? 
She no come back until Ranma leave dojo, for good.  But, is very
lucky day!  Shampoo have room here at Nekohanten for father-in-law
and husband..."

                           *    *    *

     Ranma knocked on the door.  "Hello?" he asked.  "Anybody
home?"
     The door opened a crack.  "Ranma!" cried Shampoo.  "Welcome to
Nekohanten!"
     Ranma smiled at her.  "Oh, good.  I was beginning to think you
weren't open."
     Shampoo laughed.  "Silly Ranma!  Nekohanten always open for
business!"  She opened the door, ignoring the 'CLOSED' sign on it. 
"You come in now?"
     "Great!" said Ranma.  "C'mon, Ryoga."  He ran in, Ryoga
following after him.  
     Shampoo blinked.  Then she got angry.  "Shampoo no invite pig-
boy to dinner!" she said.  
     Ryoga blushed.  "Oh," he said.  "I'm sorry.  Gee, I guess I'd
better just--urk!"
     Ranma ran back and grabbed his arm.  "Hey, what's keeping you? 
C'mon, man!"  He dragged the protesting boy off to a table.  
     Shampoo narrowed her eyes.  "So," she said menacingly. 
"Shampoo have other ways to get Ranma alone."
     Ranma sat down and beamed at Ryoga.  Ryoga looked at him
suspiciously.  "You know, Ranma," he said slowly, "I still don't
believe this.  Why, after so many months of fighting, are you being
nice to me?  You invited me to dinner...you're paying for a night
on the town..."
     Ranma coughed embarrassedly.  "Um," he mentioned, "actually,
Shampoo lets me eat free.  But you'll have to pay for your own
food."
     Ryoga facefaulted.  "I knew there was a catch," he muttered,
checking in his pockets for some change.  "But that still doesn't
explain it," he said, sitting back down. 
     "Well," said Ranma, giving him a dazzling smile.  "I was
hoping you could help me with Akane."  Ryoga stood up.  "Wait,
wait!" said Ranma, trying to avert a potential explosion.  "I mean,
help me *find* her!  She's gone!"
     "Oh," said Ryoga, sitting back down again.  "Why didn't you
say so?"
     "I just did," growled Ranma under his breath.  Being nice was
so difficult, sometimes.  Well, all of the time, actually.  He
didn't see how Kasumi stood it.  Suddenly his thoughts were
interrupted by a menu being tossed through his line of sight.  
     Shampoo smiled at him.  "Nihao!" she said.  "We have delicious
special today, Peking duck on fry noodles!"
     Ryoga nodded.  "That sounds fine," he said, unwilling to admit
he had the menu upside-down and couldn't read a word of it.
     Shampoo smiled and turned to Ranma.  "Ranma," she said, "we
making *very* special menu, just for you, but must explain it in
back."
     Ranma shrugged.  "Nah," he said.  "I'll just have the usual."
     Shampoo blinked.  "Ranma, you refuse Shampoo's cooking special
just for you?" she asked dangerously.  
     Ranma didn't notice.  "Maybe later, okay?  Just the usual
today."
     Shampoo turned pink.  "What usual?" she asked.  "Ranma, you go
in back and explain!"
     Ranma pointed to the menu in Ryoga's hands.  "It's right on
the menu," he said.  "Number 22."
     Shampoo grabbed the menu and tore it into tiny bits of
confetti.  "Shampoo no see menu!" she said hotly.  "Ranma come in
back and tell Shampoo what he want, NOW!"
     Ranma blinked.  "Don't tell me you've forgotten, Shampoo," he
said.  "I eat it every time I come here.  It's like a--what's the
word?"
     "A cliche?" tried Ryoga.
     "Yeah, a cliche!" said Ranma, tossing Ryoga a grateful look. 
Then he paused.  A cliche?  Wasn't that part of a sentence, like a
verb?
     Shampoo blushed.  Shampoo had never heard of a cliche before. 
It must be something to do with married life.  How could she have
missed such a thing in her training?  "No, no, Shampoo never forget
husband's cliche!" she told him earnestly.  
     Ranma nodded, glad that was dealt with.  "Well, good," he
said.  "I'll have the cliche, then.  With extra sauce."  He turned
back to Ryoga.  Shampoo paused, realization of what she'd just said
setting in.  Then she turned to the nearest empty table and turned
it into sawdust before stalking into the kitchen.
     Ryoga turned away from the sight and sweated.  "You were
saying Akane had vanished," he reminded Ranma.
     Ranma nodded.  "I think she's been kidnapped," he explained
carefully, "and there seems to be some magic at work, too!"  
     Ryoga's eyes widened.  "No!" he said.  "Not Akane!"  He
started crying.
     Ranma nodded.  "Face facts, man--she's gone.  But crying won't
get her back!  We've got to work together!"
     Shampoo dumped a steaming platter in front of Ryoga.  "One
Peking duck," she said icily.  "One chow mei--one cliche, Ai Lan,"
she said sweetly, placing a bowl on the table in front of Ranma. 
She leaned close and whispered in his ear.  "Ranma, you come back
now?"  
     Ranma looked at her, surprised.  "What for?"
     Shampoo smiled.  "To pay bill," she explained.
     Ranma's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.  "B-bill?" he
said, mouthing the word.  
     Shampoo's smile grew.  "Bill," she repeated mercilessly. 
"Ranma pay for dinner now?"
     Ranma stood up shakily.  "B-but, Shampoo--you never--I never
had to--"
     Shampoo put her hands behind his back and pushed.  "In back. 
Now."  Suddenly, a handful of coins fell into her apron.  She
looked up, startled.  
     Ryoga looked at her sagely.  "That should cover the bill," he
said.  
     Ranma clapped him on the back comradely.  "Hey, thanks, Ryoga
old buddy!"  
     Ryoga growled at him.  "I'm not doing it for *you*."
     Shampoo glared at Ryoga.  "You--you--oh!!"
     Ranma smiled at her.  "Okay, now that that's settled, anything
else?"
     Ryoga tugged at him.  "Ranma, we've got to do something about-
-"
     Shampoo kicked him in the shin.  She turned to Ranma. 
"Ranma...Shampoo have message for you."
     Ranma nodded.  "Okay.  What?"
     Shampoo nodded towards the kitchen.  Ranma did the same.  She
started walking away.  He started eating.  She grabbed his bowl and
slammed it down on the table again.  "Alone!" she yelled.  
     Ranma looked at her.  "Alone?" he asked.
     "Alone!" she asserted.
     "Alone," lamented Ryoga.
     "Alone?" asked Ranma again.  "Why?  Anything you can tell me,
you can tell Ryoga.  He won't mind."
     Shampoo turned purple.  "SHAMPOO mind!  Ranma come back, NOW!"
     "Ack!" said Ranma, being tugged away.  "What is it?  A phone
call?  Another fiancee?  Akane?"
     "Yes, Akane," said Shampoo, smiling at the thought.
     "Oh, really?" said Ryoga, standing up.  "Then I'll come, too."
     Shampoo looked poleaxed.  "Is private!" she said.  "Only for
Ranma!  You no can come."  
     Ryoga stood up straight and looked down at Shampoo.  "I
wouldn't try saying that again if I were you," he said.  "I would
do *anything* for Akane.  Even," he added hesitantly, "hit a girl."
     Shampoo looked at her restaurant nervously.  "Ah, maybe pig-
boy come after all," she agreed reluctantly.  
     Ryoga nodded triumphantly.  "Okay," he said.  "So what's the
message?"
     Shampoo licked her lips and began.  "Ranma, Shampoo want talk
to you about Akane..."
     Ranma looked at her.  "I know that."  
     Shampoo blinked.  "Ranma no interrupt!" she said.  
     Ryoga sighed.  "Just get on with it," he said.  "Who knows how
much time we have left?"  He paused thoughtfully.  "Say, who *does*
know how much time we have left?  Ranma?"  
     Ranma blinked.  "Well, she's been missing since yesterday
evening..."
     Shampoo cleared her throat angrily.  "Shampoo so sorry for
Ranma...Shampoo only hear today that--"
     Ryoga grabbed Ranma.  "What do you mean, yesterday?" he
demanded.  "I saw her today!"
     Ranma grabbed Ryoga.  "Today?!  When?  Where?  How?"
     Shampoo started shouting.  "SHAMPOO ONLY HEAR TODAY THAT--"
     "In the school grounds--remember?"  Ryoga looked at Ranma
flatly.  "And I still haven't forgiven you for that, Ranma," he
added.
     "Oh yeah?" retorted Ranma.  "It was your fault!  Besides, I'm
getting *sick and tired* of hearing those stupid jokes!  You don't
know where she is any more than I do!"
     "SHAMPOO *TRYING* TO TELL RANMA WHERE--"
     Ryoga kicked his chair aside and pulled his sleeves up. 
"You're the one who should be ashamed of himself, Ranma.  You broke
your promise to me.  And now, you're telling me lies while
promising friendship.  How low can you get?"
     Ranma kicked his own chair out of the way.  "You wanna start
something?  Come on!  I can take ya anytime!  Anywhere!"
     Shampoo took a deep breath.  "SHAMPOO ONLY HEAR TODAY THAT
AKANE RUN AW--"
     Ukyou burst in the Nekohanten.  "Ah-ha!" she shouted.  "Just
in the nick of time!  Come on Ranchan, I'm rescuing you!"  She
grabbed Ranma by the sleeve and pulled him out the door before he
could protest.  
     Shampoo gave a scream of anger.  "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"  She
started crying.
     Ryoga patted her on the shoulder.  "There, there," he said. 
"I'LL listen to you.  Tell me all about Akane."
     Shampoo wailed even louder.

                           *    *    *

     "I can't believe it!" Ukyou said happily.  "I got a good deal
from Nabiki!" 
     Ranma looked at her worriedly.  "Ucchan, that's the fifteenth
time you've said that."
     "I just can't believe it!" she said again.
     "What kind of deal was it, anyways?" asked Ranma curiously.
     "Um, well, it was--oh look, here we are," said Ukyou, changing
the subject.  "The dojo.  Although I'd rather have done it at my
restaurant."
     Ranma blinked.  "Then why..."
     Ukyou sniffed haughtily.  "Nabiki wanted it here, and I
promised..."  She sighed.  "Just...take care of yourself, okay,
Ranchan?"
     Ranma smiled.  "Sure!" he agreed.  "Don't I always?"
     Ukyou muttered something under her breath.  Ranma caught
something about 'with friends like these, who needs enemies?'.  She
looked up and smiled at him sadly.  Then she beamed, leaned over,
and kissed him lightly on the cheek.  "I'll be looking forward to
prom night," she promised him.  "You wonderful man, you!"  She
smiled fondly at him, before snapping back to attention.  "I'll be
standing guard outside to make sure Shampoo doesn't try anything
funny," she told him.  "You go and...do what you have to do."  She
broke into a happy smile again.  "The prom!  I can't believe it!"
     Ranma scratched his head in confusion as he walked inside the
dojo.  "What was *that* all about?"  He put his fist into his hand. 
"Ah!  I know.  She must have gotten a date for it already!  Well,
at least I won't have to worry about her, then."
     "Oh, hello Ranma," Nabiki said from behind him.  Ranma spun in
place.  She grinned at his startled expression.  "Oh, Ranma?" she
inquired sweetly.  "About your tab..."
     Ranma groaned.  "Not again.  How much now?"
     Nabiki shook her head.  "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma," she admonished
him.  "I'm not trying to put you into debt.  I'm trying to help you
get out of it!"
     Ranma looked at her with no little suspicion.  "Really?"
     Nabiki nodded.  "Look, it's a good deal.  You ask each of the
girls on this list to the prom, and I'll give you 100 yen for each
one.  She doesn't even have to say yes.  Oh, and add Ukyou to that
list, will you?"
     Ranma took the list.  "Wow!  There's gotta be, um, ten or
twenty names here!  That's, um--"
     Nabiki rescued him from the necessity of figuring out the
total.  "1800 yen, actually," she said.  "Taken from your tab, of
course."  She smiled. 
     Ranma nodded.  "Okay!" he said.  "I'll do it!  Man," he added. 
"You must be slipping, Nabiki.  This is easy money!"
     Nabiki smiled.  "Oh yes," she agreed, thinking of the 1000 yen
each girl had paid her earlier.  "VERY easy money."
     Ranma walked inside.  "Say," he said, "where is everybody? 
Hello?  Akane?"  
     Akane poked her head out from the kitchen.  "Yes?" she called. 
"Who--oh, Ranma.  Can you see me yet?" she added hopefully.
     Nabiki shook her head and pushed Ranma onwards.  "No," she
told Akane.  
     "No, what?" asked Ranma.
     Nabiki looked at him.  "Okay, I'll bite.  What?"
     Ranma blinked.  "What?" he asked.
     Nabiki shook her head.  "That's *my* line," she corrected him. 
Akane screamed and ducked back into the kitchen.  
     "I still don't get why Pop and Mr. Saotome had to leave so
quickly," she grumbled.  "Or why Kasumi decided to visit Mrs.
Saotome.  Leaving me to serve dinner."  She paused.  "Of course, I
could always *make* dinner."  She immediately brightened.  "Sure! 
One bite of my delicious cooking, and Ranma'll be back to his
normal self!"  The furious sounds of heavy machinery pulverizing an
armed unit of monkeys came from the kitchen.  In other words, Akane
was cooking.  

                           *    *    *

     "Ranma," said Nabiki, "why don't you come upstairs with me?" 
     Ranma shrugged.  "I dunno," he said.  
     Nabiki smiled at him.  "I've got a way you can pay off your
tab all at once," she told him.
     Ranma looked at her curiously.  
     "You see, my Daddy and yours are gone, Kasumi is visiting your
Mom, and that leaves the house empty except for us," she told him. 
     Ranma turned chalky pale.  "N-Nabiki," he stammered.  "Just
because Akane isn't here don't mean that--I mean, I'm not that kind
of--what would your father say if--"
     Nabiki rolled her eyes.  "Oh, PLEASE," she told him.  "Don't
flatter yourself.  I meant that since we're alone, we can talk
clearly."
     Ranma eyed her suspiciously.  "Oh yeah?" he asked, blushing
slightly.
     "Look, Ranma, we both know Akane has been, shall we say, dealt
with."
     Ranma gulped.  "'Dealt with'?" he echoed.  
     Nabiki nodded grimly.  Her eyes seemed to gleam.  "But I've
found a way to get her back," she told him slyly.  
     "Back?  Back how?  From what?" he demanded.
     "Ranma," replied Nabiki in her best 'You're-so-dumb' tone of
voice, "I'll explain later.  But right now, you can't think of such
things.  Actually, right now you can't think of anything.  I need
you to sit upstairs in her room and meditate on Akane until
dinner."
     "Meditate?" asked Ranma.
     "You know, sit there and think of her.  Clear your mind of
other things.  Focus it entirely on Akane."
     "Why?" asked Ranma, still suspicious.
     "Because it's part of the magic," explained Nabiki.  Ranma
nodded.  Well, that made sense, he thought.  Everybody knew magic
required odd stuff like meditation and pointy hats with stars on
them.  
     "When's dinner?" he asked, belly grumbling.  He never *had*
gotten to eat more than a few mouthfuls at Shampoo's.  
     "Soon," said Nabiki exasperatedly.  "I'll bring it up in just
a minute.  Now go already!  And don't come down 'till I tell you
to!!"
     "Okay, okay," grumbled Ranma.  "But what does this have to do
with my tab?"
     "You'll see," said Nabiki, pushing him up the stairs.

                           *    *    *

     Nabiki sauntered into the kitchen.  "Say, Akane--" she
started, before ducking a flying tin.
     "Catch that, will you?  Oh, hey, Nabiki.  What's up?" asked
Akane, wiping sweat off her brow.
     Nabiki stared in stupefaction.  She couldn't believe what had
happened to the kitchen in the few minutes Akane had been in it. 
She absently picked up the tin and handed it back to Akane. 
"Thanks," Akane said absently, before putting it back on the
cutting board and aiming her hand at it.  
     "Akane..." said Nabiki, just as Akane gave a kiai and chopped
at the tin.  "...I don't think that's how you open cans."
     Akane picked the rather bent tin up again.  "Oh yeah?" she
challenged.  "How *else* am I supposed to get the tuna?"
     Nabiki looked at the tin.  Cat food.  And not even tuna-
flavoured cat food, either.  She closed her eyes and tried to think
of a way out of this impending doom.  "Akane, what part of getting
dinner ready requires tuna, anyway?"
     Akane smiled at her.  "Well, I figured the ribs could use some
spicing up.  So I mixed up some herbs and spices, but they didn't
seem quite spicy enough."
     "Ribs?" echoed Nabiki.  "I thought Kasumi left sandwiches for
dinner."
     "Oh, you can have those anytime," said Akane, "but how often
do you get to sample my cooking?"
     "Not nearly as seldom as I'd like," muttered Nabiki.  "Akane,
I just asked you to put the sandwiches on plates--look what you've
done to the kitchen!"
     Akane looked.  What she saw was comparable to igniting half a
ton of dynamite in a locked room.  Bits of food and sauce were
splattered everywhere, and the few pots and pans not bubbling over
with some noxious substance were battered and bent on the floor. 
Knives, cutting boards, measuring spoons, and ingredients were
littered all over the counters.  Doors hung open, and a fine powder
filled the air in one corner.  Smoke was rising from a second
corner, while the third corner seemed to have been renovated
recently, and was covered in soapy water, some of which seemed to
have dripped on the sandwiches.  
     "Oh," said Akane quietly.  "Well, I'll just have to clean it
up before--"
     Nabiki gave a cry of dismay and scooped up the platter upon
which her dinner rested.  "These are ruined!" she told Akane. 
"There's only one thing to do!"
     Akane nodded grimly.  "I understand," she said.  "And I want
you to know I'm up to the task.  I'll have dinner ready in--"
     Nabiki ignored her and picked up the phone.  "Hello?  Yes, I'd
like to order three of your deluxe sushi platters.  That's right. 
Charge it to Soun Tendo, Tendo dojo.  15 minutes?  Great, thanks." 
She turned back to Akane. 
     Akane was red-faced.  "Nabiki!" she shouted.  "How could you
do that?  You haven't even tried it yet!"
     "That's why I was able to do that," Nabiki said.  "Look,
Akane...we don't want Ranma dead, now do we?"
     "That depends," muttered Akane angrily.  "I bet he set you up
to do this, didn't he?"
     "How could he?" sighed Nabiki.  "He doesn't even know you
exist.  Which is what I want to talk to you about," she added.  
     "Huh?" said Akane, taken aback.
     Nabiki smiled.  "C'mon, sis," she said.  "Take off that apron
and come chat for a minute."
     Akane looked down at herself.  "Gee, I really am a mess," she
said.  "Maybe I better change my clothes first."
     Nabiki thought of Ranma in Akane's room.  "Um, no, I don't
think that would be such a good idea," she said.  "You look just
fine.  In fact, you should dress like that more often."
     Akane dimpled.  "You think so?"  
     Nabiki pushed her out the door.  "Of course I do, Akane. 
Would I lie to you...again?  Out!  Out!"

                           *    *    *

     Ranma sat in the lotus position.  He breathed in slowly.  Then
out slowly.  He focused his mind.  Think, he told himself.  Think
only of Akane.
     Yes, Akane, he told himself.  Akane, whom he had to rescue. 
Akane, whom everybody thought was still alive and well.  Akane, who
would probably clobber him after he rescued her, because he didn't
do it quickly enough.  And she'd probably complain that she didn't
*need* rescuing, either.  Stupid Akane.  Couldn't she see that he
was better than her?  She just wouldn't admit it, that was why she
always tried to make his life miserable.  Not like *other* girls,
like Ukyou or Shampoo.  Now, if Akane acted more like Shampoo,
maybe he'd like her more.  But nooo, she had to go around like some
macho chick.  Well, he amended, Ucchan was macho too, but she was
still feminine in some way.  At least, she was nice, and pretty,
and boy, could she cook!  Mm, boy, he could just gobble up ten or
twenty okinomiyaki right now!  
     Ranma's stomach grumbled, reminding him that dinner was just
moments away.  Nabiki had said so, hadn't she?  Along with
something else.  Focusing his mind on...something or the
other...okinomiyaki?  Ukyou?  Ranma searched his mind.  Dinner? 
That sounded right.  
     Ranma meditated on dinner.  

                           *    *    *

     "Look, you want Ranma back, right?" said Nabiki.
     "Well..." hedged Akane.
     Nabiki rolled her eyes.  "I'm not asking you if you want to
marry him or anything, Akane.  I just want to know if you want him
to be able to see you again.  So you'll promise to do whatever I
ask to help him, right?  No more than you'd do for any friend, I
promise."
     "I..."  Akane looked around suspiciously.  "Well...I guess so. 
Sure, okay."
     Nabiki breathed out again.  "There, was that so hard?"  She
pushed onwards without waiting for an answer.  "I found out the
antidote, Akane."
     Akane's eyes lit up for just a half-second, Nabiki noted,
before she adopted a 'so-who-cares?' attitude.  "Oh?" she asked
cooly.
     "Yes," said Nabiki.  "A very old counterspell for this kind of
thing.  Time-tested and true--"  
     "Oh, no," groaned Akane.  "I'm *not* going to kiss him."  She
put her foot down.  "There's no WAY!  How much did Dad pay you?"
     "Don't be silly, Akane," chided Nabiki.  "How would that help? 
HE'D have to kiss YOU--and he can hardly do that if he can't see
you, now can he?"
     "Well..." said Akane, frowning.  "I'm not sure..."
     "Don't worry about it," said Nabiki.  "Ranma has to do all the
work, you see.  He has to admit his true feelings for you."
     Akane was taken aback.  "What, that he hates me?"
     Nabiki resisted the urge to scream.  "No, that he really does
love you."
     Akane scoffed.  "I don't think lying will help, Nabiki."
     Nabiki grit her teeth.  "Trust me, Akane.  True love will
break the spell."
     Akane raised an eyebrow.  "Then why don't you get Shampoo, or
Ukyou, or Kodachi or somebody?  Or better yet, a mirror?"
     Nabiki shook her head.  "That wouldn't work.  It has to be
you, Akane."
     "So why do I have to be there?" asked Akane.  "Why can't he
just say it without me being there?"
     "Well," Nabiki hedged, "I suppose you don't, after all."
     "Ah-ha!" Akane cried in triumph.
     "But," concluded Nabiki, "Daddy is paying me for it, so I'm
not going to help Ranma unless you're there."
     "WHAT!?" yelled Akane.  "I can't believe you'd sell out your
own flesh and blood!"  She paused.  "How much is he paying you?"
     "150,000 yen," said Nabiki.  "If I can get Ranma to tell you
he loves you.  He didn't say *how* I had to get it done.  And at
least I made him and Mr. Saotome leave you two alone."
     "Well..." said Akane reluctantly.  "I suppose that was nice of
you..."
     "Actually," said Nabiki, "it was just good business sense.  I
figured Ranma wouldn't say anything around our parents."
     "I don't *believe* you!!" shouted Akane.  "I can't believe I'm
related to such a heartless person," she muttered under her breath.
     "Oh, believe it," Nabiki said, smiling.  "Now, here's what I
want you to do..."

                           *    *    *

     Akane glanced at her watch.  Exactly half an hour to the
minute Ranma ate the cursed noodles, she noted.  Right on
scheduele.  Her watch started counting down as she opened the door. 
"Hello, Ranma.  Dinner is served."
     "Hey!" said Akane.  "You let him into *my* room?  Without even
asking first!?"
     Nabiki simply ignored her.  Akane fumed.  Nabiki had made her
promise not to hit Ranma or leave the room until the time was up. 
And, of course, she'd never hit Nabiki.  Although she was giving
some serious thought to doing just that, and not for the first time
this evening.
     "Great!" said Ranma, reaching out for the food Nabiki was
carrying.  Nabiki rapped him on the knuckles.  "Hey, what was that
for?" he asked her.
     "What about Akane?" demanded Nabiki, sitting down.
     "Yeah, what about me?" muttered Akane, doing the same.
     "Akane?" asked Ranma, belatedly sitting down.
     "Yes, Akane," said Nabiki, wondering why she was surrounded by
idiots.  "The reason you're here, remember?"  She didn't address
her comment specifically at Ranma, but she doubted that mattered
much.  "Ranma, we're here to help Akane, remember?"  She paused, as
if having a sudden thought.  "You *were* thinking of her, weren't
you?"
     "Uh...right," muttered Ranma embarassedly.  Akane's eyes
bugged out for a moment.  He HAD?  And he admitted it?!
     Nabiki smirked.  "Well, good," she said, knowing full well
he'd been thinking of dinner, but enjoying the added touch.  "Now,
all you need to do is tell her you love her."
     "WHAT?" he yelled.  
     "Just say, 'Akane, I love you'," said Nabiki.
     "No way!" shouted Ranma.  
     Nabiki sighed.  It was going to be a long night.  "Just four
little words, Ranma.  How can it be that hard?"
     "There's no *way* I'm going to say anything like that to that
dumb klutz!  She's--"
     "She's under a spell," interrupted Nabiki.  "Remember?"
     Ranma blinked.  "Yeah, but--"
     "Ranma," said Nabiki, leaning forward.  "I promise you that I
will never tell anybody else about this.  The house is empty except
for this room; the only people who will know what you do tonight
are in this room already."
     Ranma glared at the corners of the room suspiciously, as if
trying to flush out a panda from the cobwebs on the ceiling.  Not,
he noted, that Akane's room had any cobwebs.  Spiders probably ran
away from her, he thought crossly.
     "You're thinking of her again," teased Nabiki.  Ranma went
bright red.  Akane's mouth dropped open.  "Now, all you need to do
is say four little words.  How can it hurt?"
     "Yeah," grumbled Akane.  "Especially since they're lies."
     "Why should *I* be the one to say it?" demanded Ranma.  "Why
not get Ryoga or somebody?"
     "Ryoga?" asked Akane, in a wondering tone.
     "Ryoga?" asked Nabiki.  "Ranma, he can't do this.  Only you
can do this."
     "Why me?" asked Ranma crossly.
     "Because you truly do love her," said Nabiki matter-of-factly.
     "And pigs fly," said Akane.
     "Say what!?" shouted Ranma.  He bounded to his feet.  "I'm
outta here.  You're talking crazy!"
     Nabiki sighed and looked at her watch.  It had been twenty
minutes.  She figured it would take about twenty-five to get Ranma
to agree.  "Sit down, Ranma," she said calmly.  "You don't have a
choice.  You have to tell her."
     "I do?" asked Ranma.
     "He does?" echoed Akane.
     "Yes, you do," said Nabiki sternly.  "Ranma, if you don't do
this, Akane could be under this spell forever.  Now, would you like
that to happen?"
     Ranma flinched.  "Well..." he said.  "No, but--"
     Nabiki shook her head.  "It's now or never!" she said.  "If
you don't do this now, you'll put it off--a few minutes, an hour,
a week--until you wake up one day and realize it's been years, or
your whole life.  Can you imagine spending your whole life without
Akane?"
     "Well, I'd eat a lot better and get beat up a lot less,"
commented Ranma.  Akane stopped herself from beating the living
daylights out of him.  She *had* promised, after all.  And it was
for his sake.
     "You say that, but you really don't mean that," said Nabiki.
     "Yes I do," retorted Ranma.  Akane resisted the urge to kill
him on the spot.  It was for his own good.  It was.  Really.  But
then, so would be a beating.
     "Ranma, how can you say that about Akane?  Don't you remember
all the things she's done for you?"
     "Like try to kill me?" he snorted.  "What a macho chick!  She
can't even kick!  Her thighs are too thick!  She--"  Akane stood up
and launched herself forward.  
     Nabiki raised her voice.  "You promised!" she shouted.  Akane
blushed and stopped, inches from his face.  
     Ranma frowned, then blinked.  "I did?" he asked.  
     "Well, no," Nabiki smiled at him.  "But remember what you *do*
stand to gain from this if you do it."
     "Oh, yeah," said Ranma, yen figures dancing in front of his
eyes.  He must owe her, what, 20,000 yen?  "Okay.  I'll do it."
     "You will?!?" asked Akane, her jaw dropping open.
     "Er...okay," said Nabiki, hesitating.  She hadn't expected his
resistance to crumble so fast.  "Well, I guess we can wait..."
     "Great!" said Ranma.  "Okay, let's eat!"
     Nabiki quickly swept the sushi from his grasping hands.  "On
the other hand," she said, "maybe we should do this now.  The magic
might, er, take a while to kick in."
     "Oh," said Ranma, disappointed.  
     Nabiki glanced at her watch.  Fifteen minutes to go.  "Good
enough," she muttered.  "Okay, Ranma.  Do it now!  Say it now!"
     There was a pause.  Akane's eyes widened.
     "Nah," said Ranma after a second.  "You were right the first
time.  It can wait."
     Nabiki's eyes narrowed.  "No, it can't," she said.  "I was
wrong!"
     "You were right!" he yelled.
     "I was wrong!" she yelled.
     "Gee, maybe this *was* worth coming to," Akane said, smiling.
     Nabiki got hold of herself.  "You're right, Ranma," she said. 
"I was right.  You should say it now."
     "Well, good," he said, smiling.  Suddenly, his smile dropped. 
"Wait--"
     Nabiki grinned.  "Too late.  You already agreed.  Now be a
good boy and take your medicine."
     "Aw, c'mon, Nabiki," hedged Ranma.  "Why do I gotta do this?"
     Nabiki shrugged elaborately.  "Well, if you don't want Akane
back..."
     Ranma glared at her.  "That's not what I meant!  Stop twisting
my words!"  Akane's eyes widened.
     "So you *do* want to see Akane again?" pressed Nabiki.
     "Well..." Ranma hesitated.  He licked his lips.  Nobody else
was in the room, right?  Besides, what did it matter if he said
something like that?  I mean, he could just lie!  Sure, that was
it!  It didn't matter!  Right?
     Nabiki nodded expectantly.  Hmm, the Nikkei shares were riding
a bit low this quarter.  She wondered if she should consider buying
more, or waiting until the price fell some more.  She patiently did
the math in her mind while waiting for Ranma to say something.
     Ranma flushed.  "I guess so," he admitted.  
     "Well, good."  Nabiki smiled at him encouragingly.  "Now was
that so hard to do?"
     "As a matter of fact, it wa--"
     "Nevermind," she said hastily.  "Look, it's not such a hard
thing to say.  Just tell her you love her."
     Ranma pounced on that like a starving cat pounces on fresh
meat.  "But she's not here, so how can I tell her?"
     Nabiki blinked.  "Look around you, Ranma," she said.  "Do you
see Akane?"  She waited for that to sink in.  "Ranma, trust me.  I
know exactly what I'm doing."  In more ways than one, she thought. 
"Just repeat after me...Akane, I love you."
     Ranma opened his mouth.  He closed it again.  He swallowed. 
"A-Akane," he said throatily.  "I...I..."
     "Yes...?  Yes...?" said Nabiki, leaning forward.  Out of the
corner of her eye she saw Akane beginning to do the same.
     "I...I really wish I didn't have to do this dumb thing!" Ranma
finished.  
     Nabiki groaned.  "Ranma, what makes this so hard for you?" 
Inwardly, she paused.  Wait...what *did* make this so hard?  Was
there something she was missing?  Could it be that...that Ranma
really *did* love Akane?  
     No, she decided.  That was just plain impossible.  It was
probably just stubborn pride.  She tuned back in to what he was
saying.
     "...and it's just not something a guy does, Nabiki!  Can't you
understand?"
     Nabiki nodded and smiled.  "Of course I understand, Ranma,"
she agreed.  Ranma let out his breath in relief.  "I understand
that a guy can't say he loves somebody.  But a girl can, can't
she?"
     Ranma nodded.  "Oh, sure.  It's the sort of thing they do all
the time.  Why?  <SPLASH>  HEY!!"  A very wet, very female Ranma-
chan glared at Nabiki.  "What was *that* f--oh, no..."  Her eyes
widened.  "You aren't gonna--I won't--"
     Nabiki put down the empty glass.  "Of course you're going to,
Ranma.  Or else you'll never see Akane again."
     "Never?"  Ranma-chan winced.  "Aren't you being just a bit
dramatic?"
     "I'm surprised you know what the word means," Nabiki said. 
"Come on, Ranma.  Four...little...words."
     "Yeah, but..."  Ranma-chan hesitated.  "What if, say, Ucchan
hears?  Or Shampoo?"
     Nabiki nearly exploded.  "For heaven's sake, Ranma, do you
*see* them here?  I promised I won't tell anybody about this!  What
more do you need?"
     Ranma paused.  "I dunno, Nabiki..."
     Nabiki groaned.  This was impossible.  She glanced at her
watch.  1 minute, 18 seconds remaining.  Her eyes widened.  "Ack!"
she spat out.  "Ranma!  You've got to say it!  Now!"
     "Now?"  She blinked.  "But, Nabiki--"
     "NOW!!" yelled Nabiki.  "Quickly!  Before it's too late!  Tell
Akane you love her!"
     "But she's not here," Ranma-chan complained.
     "Now!  Now!  Now!" shouted Nabiki.
     "Nabiki, are you feeling okay?" asked Ranma-chan.  
     Nabiki forced herself to calm down.  She still had a whole 42
seconds.  "Ranma...what more can I say?  The final decision is up
to you.  You can see Akane again, or you can give her up.  Nobody
else can do it, and nobody can force you to do it.  Just...look
inside your heart."  She closed her eyes.  12 seconds to go.
     There was silence.  
     "I...I guess you're right, Nabiki," admitted Ranma-chan.  6
seconds.  Five.  Four.  Three.  
     "WELL?!?" screamed Nabiki.  Visions of 150,000 yen taunting
her flashed in front of her eyes.  
     "Well, you're right," said Ranma-chan.  "And I've decided not
to."  Nabiki collapsed.  Just then, her watch beeped.

                           *    *    *

     Cologne shook her head as she erased the figure yet again,
then finally gasped in surprise.  That couldn't be right--she had
to hurry and find Shampoo!  How could she have been so blind?

                           *    *    *

     "Say, was that beep supposed to remind you of anything?" asked
Ranma-chan.  "Like dinner, maybe?"
     Nabiki looked up increduluously.  "Ranma, don't you see--" she
stopped herself.  "Never mind," she said quickly.  "You just have
to say it!  Think of Akane!"  Her mind was racing.  She had the
wrong time!  She couldn't be expected to remember the exact
*minute* Ranma had eaten those noodles, could she?  Or maybe it
took a few minutes to take effect--or a few seconds.  She had time-
-but how much?  Every second counted!
     "Akane?" asked Ranma-chan dubiously.  
     "Akane," repeated Nabiki.  "Akane, who loves you."
     "WHAT!?" yelled Akane.  "How *dare* you say that, Nabiki?"
     "She WHAT?" demanded Ranma-chan.  "What kinda weird thing is
*that* to say, Nabiki?"
     "Ranma, she loves you!  She does!  And if she were here, she'd
want to hear you say you love her in return!  But you know she's
not here--she'll never hear you!  You have nothing to lose! 
Nothing!"  Nabiki took a ragged breath.  "Besides, you don't get to
eat until you say it."
     Ranma-chan blinked.  She took a deep breath.  "Akane..."
     "Yes," Nabiki urged.  "Akane."
     "Akane..." repeated Ranma.
     "That's it," said Akane coldly.  "I'm leaving."
     "What?" asked Nabiki.
     "You only made me promise to stay for half an hour," said
Akane.  "It's over now.  I'm leaving.  And he'd better be out of my
room when I get back."  She stood up.
     Ranma-chan ignored Nabiki.  "Akane...I know you're not here
right now."
     Akane stopped.  "What?" she asked.
     "I don't know if you'd understand, or believe me if you *were*
here," Ranma-chan continued.  "But I'm doing this for you. 
Akane...I..."  She swallowed.  "AkaneIloveyou."
     Akane swooned, falling onto her knees.  She felt dizzy and her
vision started to blur.  "Ranma?" she asked faintly.  "Do--do you
really mean it?"  Then she stopped.  Baka!  He couldn't even hear
her, and she'd gone and made a fool of herself.
     "Akane!?" yelped Ranma-chan, leaping three feet in the air,
onto the bed.  "W-when did you--how did you--?"
     Nabiki's eyes shone.  150,000 yen, all hers.  It had been
worth it, after all.
     "Never mind that, Ranma," said Akane.  "Did you mean what you
said?  Do you really love me?"  She looked up at him with
shimmering eyes and leaned forward.
     Ranma backed up, until his back was to the wall.  "I..." he
swallowed.  She really *did* look cute like that...  "I..."
     The door burst open.  "Ranma better not!!" shouted Shampoo,
waving her bonbori threateningly.  
     "I tried to keep her out!" said Ukyou.  "I really tried
to...to...wait a minute.  Just *what* is going on here, you two?"
     "You got lots of explaining to do, Ai Lan!" said Shampoo.
     "BWEEE!" squealed P-Chan.
     Ranma did the only thing possible for him to do.
     "Me?" he asked.  "Hahaha!  You thought I was in *love* with
this tomboy?  Get serious!!"
     "RANMA NO BAKA!!! <SLAP>"

                           *    *    *

     "Amazing," said Cologne from below Akane's window.  "Simply
amazing."  She shook her head.  "I was wrong...I double-checked my
calculations and discovered that the magic doesn't wear off for
*four* days.  A full 96 hours, not the 48 I told that interfering
little snippet.  Ordinarily, that is," she amended herself.  "Those
children are playing with fire," she muttered darkly.  "And might
very well get burned, dispelling such magic that way."
     She started walking off.  "Yes, the flame of true love is a
strong one indeed."  

                               End

Don't You Forget About Me
     by Simple Minds

HEY!
HEY!
HEY!
HEY!

Won't you
Come see about me --
I'll be alone, 
Dancing -- you know it, Baby --

Tell me
Your troubles and doubts --
Giving everything -- inside and out -- and

Love's strange -- surreal in the dark.
Think of the tender things 
That we were working on --

Slow change
May pull us apart --
When the light gets into your heart, Baby --

Don't you
-- forget about me
Don't don't don't don't
Don't you
-- forget about me.

               Will you stand above me --
               Look my way and never love me?
               Rain keeps falling --
               Rain keeps falling --
               Down -- down -- down.

               Will you recognise me --
               Call my name or walk on by me?
               Rain keeps falling --
               Rain keeps falling --
               Down -- down -- down -- down.

HEY!
HEY!
HEY!
HEY!

Don't you
Try and pretend
It's not beginning -- we'll
Win in the end -- I won't

Harm you
Or touch your defenses.
Vanity -- insecurity --

Don't you
Forget about me.
I'll be alone,
Dancing -- you know it, Baby

Going to
Take you apart --
I'll put us back together at heart, Baby

Don't you
-- forget about me.
Don't don't don't don't
Don't you 
-- forget about me.

As you walk on by --
Will you call my name --
As you walk on by --
Will you call my name --
And you walk away --


Or will you walk away?


When you walk on by --

Will you call my name?


     Author's Note:  As seems to be my wont these days, I'm
including not one, but two songs at the end.  As always, the first
song is for you.  The second song is for me.  Some of you might
like one or the other, and some might like both.  I hope that you
all enjoyed this story, and that perhaps the magic of the series
came alive a little big stronger, a little big longer because of
this story.  


I'm Not In Love


I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase 
I'm going through

And just because
I call you up
Don't get me wrong 
Don't think you got it made
I'm not in love
No no
Just because

I'd like to see you
But then again
That doesn't mean 
You mean that much to me
So if I call you
Don't make a fuss
Don't tell your friends 
About the two of us
I'm not in love
No no
Just because

I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain 
That's lying there
So don't you ask me
To give it back
I know you know 
It doesn't mean that much to me

I'm not in love
No no

You wait a long time for me
You wait a long time
You wait a long time for me
You wait a long time

I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase 
I'm going through

And just because 
I call you up
Don't get me wrong 
Don't think you got it made

I'm not in love
I'm not in love

     Dave Harper, June 17 1997
