Does he know how much he means to me? Is he even aware that I exist? When I touch him, does he feel the warmth, the need, the desire within my flesh...

As I watch him now, silently, from a distance, I can still remember when I first saw that alarmingly beautiful face and how it took my breath away. Its features sculptured as if from marble; the eyes of azure blue more brilliant than any sky; that impossible mane of golden silk that I wanted to run my fingers through and never stop; the form and physique of a God that makes me tremble. How could a creature such as this exist? Does he know what a gift of nature he is?

Why had no woman claimed him as her own before we met? Even as a young girl I knew what beauty was and this young man was something from my dreams. Was he really here to rescue me, insignificant me, abandoned by family and friends to live my life as a...has he really come to rescue me? Does he know that I worship him?

Can a person see inside another's soul? When our eyes meet, I feel him look at me as though he is studying me, trying to read my thoughts even before I am aware of thinking them. What does he want from me; what can I possibly give him that he needs? I know what I need from him, but I've also come to accept that he has difficulty returning these feelings. I need to be loved by him and him alone. Forever. Does he know how much I love him?

When he makes love to me, I am lost within his soul. I am part of him. More than physically. Maybe spiritually, whatever that means. I lose myself to him. I want him to want me as much as I want and need him. I know he takes pleasure in my body. I know because he often visits me in my tent when things are quiet and peaceful as they are right now. No battles to be won today. No injuries to be tended to. No fears that today will be the last day that I'll see that beautiful face. No tears today, either. But there have been many tears. Does he know how many tears I've shed...for him?

Tears of utter joy when we are so physically in sync that our bodies seem to glow. That our climaxes are so shattering and so together that they seem to hang onto the very breath of life. Tears, at the thought, that I was only needed to raise his chi for the next battle or to help tend to a wound. Tears, after he leaves my tent, of utter desperation that this may have been the last time I would be with him. Silent tears as he sleeps in my arms after we've made love, his golden head nestled against my chest, as I stroke the silken strands and wonder if it's for the last time. Does he know that my soul is crying out to be his and his alone?

Of whom is he thinking, while he looks out across the campground, unaware that I am watching him. His beautiful face is set in tension, his arms folded against himself. A gentle breeze is blowing through his hair so he is surrounded in a golden light. But why does he need to wrap his arms around himself and offer comfort to himself, and why won't he come to me for that comfort that I am aching to give him. Is he thinking of some lover from long ago, of some person from his past he longs to see, or is it that he thinks of the future and what life holds in store for him. And who would he spend it with. Does he know that I want to spend the rest of eternity with him?

Does he remember the one time he allowed himself to smile just for me? How I came upon him sitting under the shade of a tree, resting after a long, hot ride of some military importance, no doubt. It was one of those rare moments when he was lost in thought and I crept up behind him. I put my arms around him and pulled him down to the grass. Does he remember how he rolled over on top of me and pinned me down. Does he remember the gentle smile he gave me that caught me so by surprise that tears came to my eyes, and he looked at me, confused. Does he remember how he caressed my cheek...and smiled...brushed away the tears...and gently kissed my lips...does he remember? I'll never forget. The memory is burned into my heart. Does he know how much I ache for him?

I ache for him even when we are together. Even when we are so intimately joined, bodies one, mouths locked in passion, does he know how my body wants more of him? That I need his touch, his smell, his taste on me or I'll cease to exist. Does he know that I am nothing without him?

I've already given him my heart and my soul...does he know that I would give my life for him?

Copyright 1998 Julie Farel
Fushigi Yuugi disclaimer, with a very humble bow to Watase Yuu.