Sometimes I feel like a complete waste. Why did he pick me up out of the gutters so long ago…why…what purpose does it serve now? It'd do him more good to dump me back there where he found me and move on. It's a waste of time. A complete waste of time…

          She knelt on the hard floor. "It will be done, Nakago-sama."
          "Go."
          She stood and left the room without meeting his eyes again, though his cold, clear blue gaze burned in her memory.
          Do you trust me, Soi?
          She exited the palace and took the long way back to her room, across the outer courtyard, where the trees were not so thick and sometimes the stars shone through. It was a quiet night. The wind rustled her unbound hair. She never wore it unbound anymore. It was too long and unmanageable.
          Except for him.
          Do you trust me, Soi?
          She skirted the edge of the small pond at the side of the grounds. In the afternoon the pond would be filled with water fowl. The fountain to her right bubbled its unending song under the soft glow of the moon.
          Entering the protective shelter of the palace roof once more. Her footsteps sounded loud on the bare floorstones. A few more turns. It was far too late to be wandering out alone, even around the palace…but she could take care of herself.
          Do you trust me, Soi?
          A light in the window. Tomo was still awake. She could see his shadow faintly on the not-quite closed curtains of the room, moving about. His hair was down, from the shape of it, and he was not in costume.
          She wished she could talk to him. Ask his advice. Even if it was Tomo.
          There was no one else.
          Do you trust me, Soi?
          No.

 
          I saw him today entering the throne room. I don't think he saw me, though he might have if he had turned his head just a little bit to the side. Though even if he had seen me he probably wouldn't have made any sign. He's like that. I wonder why I even bother. That's all that's ever happened and all that will ever happen…but yet I can't seem to give up hope. Because it's the only thing I have left to hope for…

          He heard the footsteps outside before the shadow walked past his window, steps slow and measured. He knew it was her.
          She always walked past his room. Always. There was a shorter way to her own room on the other side of the palace, but she had come this way for months, every night. He always knew it was her, recognized her footsteps.
          He didn't know why she didn't stay in Nakago's bed until daylight. Didn't know why she had to leave.
          He couldn't sleep until she had come and gone, footsteps echoing on the pavement, in his mind like a memory. He needed that shadowy reassurance of her slight body framed against the moonglow of his window. He'd lie in bed, the light off, waiting. For her.
          Tonight it was different. He would have been in bed an hour ago if there hadn't been some letters he had to write, some business to take care of. He might be a recluse and a loner, but that didn't mean he did not have contacts outside this forsaken shell of a capital city.
          Soi would call them spies. He didn't care what anyone called them, as long as they did their jobs and did them well.
          Because if they did not, there was one above him who would be most displeased.
          Her footsteps faded in the distance and then were gone.
          He blew out the candle.

 
          In the morning I leave for Hokkan. He told me there would be guards accompanying me. And some equipment. I suppose I am their head, their mistress. I really couldn't care less. Sending me up ahead of him means that he trusts me…and yet…I can't help but wonder why…

          She unlocked the door to her room and slipped inside, locking it again behind her. Her bed was untouched, still fresh from this morning when the maid had aired the room and placed a bunch of flowers on the sheets to scent them. She picked them up, setting them gently on the vanity table.
          Lighting a candle, she washed her face and looped her hair in a loose ponytail. Turned down the sheets.
          The bed was soft and clean but she did not get in between the covers. Sitting there, swinging her legs on the edge idly, she closed her eyes.
          Do you trust me, Soi?
          She opened them again. She couldn't close them without seeing…him.
          You will go to Hokkan ahead of me. For preparation's sake and to set up tents at my appointed location before I arrive with Seiryuu no Miko and the rest of the seishi. I will give you servants and warriors to be your retinue. I trust you can keep them in line.
          It will be done, Nakago-sama.
          Go.
          It was always like this. He used her, and then she left him. Night after night. She could have stayed in his bed, but she dared not, and even if she did, she would never ask for fear of his rejection. Because that-that was the one thing she could never take. As long as he did not say it out loud, she was safe in her own world of fantasy and dreams.
          She supposed she could feel ashamed, vengeful, frightened. Worthless.
          But she didn't feel anything anymore. It was too late.

 
          I wonder what Hokkan is like. He called me in this afternoon, to tell me I will be accompanying the Miko and the rest of the seishi in the journey there. Like I could do anything else. It's rather funny actually, that he trusts me…I could capture him in one of my illusions and slit his throat before he even knew what was happening. But I won't. He knows that…it's my one true weakness…the one thing that keeps me human. The only thing…

          He washed his hands in the basin on his dressing table in the dark. Removed the golden band that held his hair in place and felt it swirl about his shoulders, brushing his back like the feathers of some dark angel.
          He should start packing soon, starting with the trays of makeup and cosmetics sitting on his shelf. In the dim moonlight he could see nothing of his reflection in the small mirror except for glinting amber eyes. The mirror needed to be packed at the bottom. So not to be damaged.
          There were probably no roads to travel on in Hokkan. Grimaced at the thought of traveling horseback over stretches of rocky and slippery icy ground. He had not done that in ages.
          Is it really necessary, Nakago-sama?
          All seishi must go. It will be quicker that way.
          But you said there was another shinzaho. Shouldn't we-
          Do you question my order, Tomo?
          Folding his arms to his chest and sighing once in the still room. It was so cold at night.
          No, Nakago-sama.
          Yes, he should definitely pack the mirror at the bottom. Maybe fold some towels around it. It was very fragile, that mirror.

 
          He'll never love me and yet I keep hoping. I suppose it's better than going through life without even having cared for someone at all. At least that's what they say. I wonder if…

          Opening her eyes, she surveyed her room. If only he had told her sooner…she'd have to wake up early to pack all that she needed for the journey. The rest of her belongings the servants could burn. She could travel light.
          If only he had told her sooner.
          If only.

 
          He's using me and I know it. He's got me wrapped around his finger and he can do whatever he wants with me and I don't care. Just when he looks at me like that and everything around me melts away and there is only him. That bastard. I wish…

          He lay down on the bed. The blue moonlight filtered through the curtains to dance on the ceiling like air sprites, fleeting, ephemeral.
          A cloud covered the moon and they were gone.

 
          …he will go through life like that. Never having loved. At least he was loved. Sometimes, that is all that matters…being loved like I

          She wondered briefly if it was going to rain as the moonlight vanished from the floor of the room. Well, she was inside now, dry and out of whatever the gods wished to throw at the Kutou palace that night.
          Sleep.
          She would ready herself for the long journey when she awoke.
          When she awoke…
          When she closed her eyes, all she could see was him.

 
          …that he knew what it was like to be used, just once. Just once. I love him and I hate him and I can't break away because he saved me, and I

          Closing his eyes, he surrendered himself to the images between wakefulness and dreams.
          Golden hair and blue crystalline eyes and the touch of a hand.

 
          …love him, even though it's hopeless. Such a waste. Such an utter and complete waste, and yet I still love. I suppose that makes me human, just as I knew I was human when he took me away to a place where I

          …could maybe stop the endless cycle and try to reclaim my humanity if I tried. It is all an illusion, really, everything, and I can manipulate it any way I want, even to change myself. But he wouldn't want that. And so I watch the ever-shrinking walls cave in on me and even though I want to break away I can't. Because I

          …would do anything for him.

          Anything.