Dolor

Prolouge- Thoughts come to pass

Such a beautiful creature. Not to be caged; it should run free not play games for our enjoyment. The brown haired boy passed the tigers, and went to the lions. He dropped a piece of raw meat in the cage. And watched as the lions tore at it, and devored the sweet red meat. Like humans. Fighting over small pieces of material things. We’ve lost our souls over things like a small piece of meat. He thought and threw in another piece. Heros of war. There are no heros of war. We’ve just tricked ourselves again. Is a hero the man who dies, holding his guts in, crying for his mother? Or the outrageous lying cheating, sneak who killed mercilessly to get where he is? Who comes home victorious? Or, are they the people who fight, who are desprete and
ave no home to go back too? Who would sacrifice what little they have? Or are heros the tainted ones, who live and die as used garbage? As the thoughts played through his mind the boy opened the cage and walked in. His hands holding two other pieces
f meat. The lions, not thinking of anything but their meal disregarded him and lunged at the dripping piece of cow flesh in his hands. One of the razor sharp insicers ripped off a chunk of the boy’s hand. He watched it bleed, more thoughts tumbling in
like acrobats. Flitting through his mind. Can any of the soldiers feel pain? The real soldiers, who have forsaken feelings and love, comfort and care for the war. The tainted ones too can feel. Yet, I am tainted, and a soldier. Or am I monster?
lled that by many. I feel no pain, nothing. The void I feel in my soul widens. Threatens to swallow me alive. And still, I won’t relinquish my mask. Is it time for me to put away the masquarade? To show everyone the real me? Not the beaten up, br
en Clown, but the boy who hides inside, under a mask of nothingness? I see the blood drip from my hand, and still....... I cannot feel it’s pain. It is distant, like it isn’t my own. Have I gone to far? To far to salvage?
“Trowa!”

Death. I once said it was my essance. Yet find myself running from it. I’ve lost it....... A long braid of chesnut hair dropped to the ground as the wearer cut it. It had been hanging there far too long, and the Maxwell boy had decided that it was
ime to grow up. His shorter hair did feel better. I’ve been called Death, and the Destroyer. Hell, even Demon boy before. But now, I feel so wasted. There’s something I have to do. Sonething that’s not being done. But what? I’ve talked to God it seems, and I’ve lived through almost everything and anything. So, what is it that I need to do? Even us Pilots deserve a rest! The boy thought angrily. His hands clenched, his foot scuffed the long piece of hair across the floor. A pair of silver scissors fell to the floor. WHAT IS IT THAT I’M MISSING!?!?!?!?!?

“Act on your emotions” I laugh at it now. It’s fruitless. I don’t have any left to act on! A void. I guess I’m just a fool then. To think I can change the world. The pilot manuvered the mobile suit away from the debris and checked his meters. “Mission accepted.” “Mission complete” is that ...all I said? I... I .wonder would so meone still love me? Even though..... I----- I can’t love them back? I need the support. Oh god! I’m killing myself. Falling into a grave I’ve dug for myself. The pilot slammed his hand onto the controls.
“What AM I!?!?!?!”

Beautiful Earth. So beautiful. How can One want to destroy this? A delicate boy thought, watching the sun set. It was a brilliant dance of oranges, pinks and faint violets across natures tapestry. The boy sighed, it was so nice here. Shooting pain
ran from his heart. The boy wobbled and clutched his chest. What’s wrong? Why... why now? The war is over..... The flood of raw anguish ran over him. Quatre slumped over.
“Master Quatre?”

I wonder what she’d say if she saw this? The dragon thought. His black eyes sweeping over the forest. It’s only noise the birds and animals. She’s probably laugh. I’ve wasted so much time. Thinking of if I’m honorable enough to do this, to do that
Instead of changing. Helping. The boy laughed, a full sound, not like the hollow ones he used to give. He stood on his Gundam. The sun played in his face before disappearing into the night. I’ll always miss you. But I’m going on. Rest your memory. He thought, before smiling, a true smile and descending from the arm of his Gundam.



Catherine had startled the unflappable Trowa Barton. The boy jerked back from the lions in surprise. His hand dripped bright red splotches across the cage floor. Catherine smiled and opened the door. Trowa walked out, his eyes meeting hers for once
In his eyes, she saw a storm of hidden emotion, and fear? longing? She shivered, this wasn’t like Trowa. These emotions in his eyes. She had latched on to him for support, and knew she couldn’t give him what he wanted now. He then lowered his eyes
nd walked away from her. Neither she, nor he noticed as a tear fell onto the ground, mixing with the crimson droplets.
I wish----- for once. To just---- for someone to----
It’s impossiable, but for someone to;
Love, care for me. Whisper things only to me.
Like Relena wants to do for Heero.
Like Hilde wants to do for Duo.
And Zechs and Noin.
But no-one wants me.
A used, broken doll.
A broken clown.

Duo leaned back. His head was now annoyingly light. He looked at his relfection. A boy with wide violet eyes and short brown hair stared back. Oh how he hated those eyes. Those wide innocent eyes. Pain is the only thing that is real. Even Death
seems to be unrealalistic sometimes. That’s how I keep alive. To remind myself that the others need my smiles more. Because they have lost reason. I felt it in Heero first, then Trowa and finally Quatre. Wufei needs no one, once he comes at peace with
the dead. Duo sighed and turned from the mirror. He heard Trowa’s circus was in town. Maybe a chance to catch a glance at the exotic boy before Duo went insane. Plastering the smile which he knew the other pilot needed so much he headed out the door

Heero jumped out of his Mobile Suit and headed for his room. His mind was a jumble of indecision. The war is over. I should be happy...... why do I feel so lost? Heero slipped off his space suit and headed for the door. (And yes he IS wearing something) A flyer, the old fashioned type made of paper, caught around his legs. Heero bent to remove it. A clown and a circus tent were the center of the flyer. Smiling slowly Heero jogged off.

It was Heero. Why would Heero come here? And Duo..... Hell, why don’t people just leave me alone. That’s not what I want, but....... Otherwise I think I’ll go crazy with longing. It’s obvious Duo and Heero aren’t lonely.... Ok, with Heero it isn’t
But---- these emotions, I..... I can’t hold them back anymore. Why can’t I hold them back!?!?!
“Trowa!” Duo yelped and skipped over to the other pilot. Putting his arm over Trowa’s shoulders.
“Ogenki desu ka?” Surprisingly that came from Heero.
“Daijoubu.” Trowa replied evenly and shook Duo off. (gomen on my japanese!). Trowa looked at Heero’s eyes, a bad move, revealing yourself to the other while reading their eyes.

Damn, he’s so good at this! Heero thought. Looking into Trowa’s, almost dead eyes. He knew his own would hold something, some emotion that he had forgotten to gaurd. The one visable green eye blinked, and Heero saw Trowa’s mask shatter.
Trowa’s eyes widened. He could read Heero. The unmistakable longing in his eyes. The feel of losing it, the burden of emotions. It’s.... the void of nothing isn’t it Heero. You feel it too. It’s going to swallow us both. We lost our selves to th
war, to the training. But you-- have a chance, with Relena. She can see the true you. You aren’t lost...... I am.... don’t let it go. You have chance at salvation. Don’t lose yourself, Heero...
“Trowa? We’re on soon! Trowa?!” Catherine called. The dark green eyed boy silently walked to the tent. Heero watched his retreating back, Trowa knew what he was going through... and longed for it? Impossiable. But that look------