Sayonara

Title: Sayonara
Author: Genji
Category: Fic Challenge (91 Fics)
Pairing: 1 x R (*growls and runs away*)
Archive: No clue...maybe on my web page
www.angelfire.com/gundam/obsessive/home.html
Feedback: If you so deign
Warnings: RELENA, angst, refrences to sex, sap...um, darn it! I can't put
OOC...evil challenge rules!
Notes: My name conspired against me and I got the ONE pairing I didn't want.
Also, my first draft was a lot better, but I can't remember it and my
computer disk ate it, and so now I must go bang my head against the wall...
Disclaimer: I don't own Heero (*pouts*) I don't own Relena (*brightens*) I
don't own Allen Jackson's song, "You Can't Have it All." There, now you
can't sue. I don't plan on making any $$ offa this, but if you do...please
send it to Genji_15@excite and support the Starving Writer's Fund.

{lyrics}
Relena's POV
*italics*

{A stark naked light bulb hangs over my head
There's one lonely pillow on my double bed
I've got a ceiling, a floor and four walls
Who says you can't have it all}

Heero. Oh, Heero, you just had to leave me last night, didn't you? Another
mission to complete- another colony to save. I lie here on my bed- no, our
bed, and reminisce about what happened.

The cool sheets caress my skin. They've been like this more often than
naught. Every time you come, you bring a night of intense joy, but the
price is the promise of knowing that in the morning, I'll be left with a
cold bed once more. You are unwilling to realize what you have done, and so
you leave me, and so you return. I am what keeps you human, for it is here
where you let your façade drop, and passions rule. Each time the mask falls
faster, and the impenetrable soldier leaves this world for a little while,
and becomes a vulnerable human. It is the lure of being human that draws
you to me, and I give all that I can offer.

You appeared last night in my room- our room. Quiet, tormented. Searching
for an answer that didn't have a question. I hope I am part of the solution
you seek. Perhaps when you realize what is right and what is left, you will
stay the entire night, and not always leave me, never knowing when you'll
come back, but always certain that you will. Well, I used to be.

{My room's decorated with pictures of you
Your letters wallpaper this shrine to the blues
I've got precious memories at my beck and call
Who says you can't have it all}

I let my churning mind drift back to a locked closet in my room, the room I
occupied before you appeared on my doorstep, battered. I have yet to yell
at Millard for what he did in Antarctica. I have yet to forgive you for
almost giving me a heart attack.

The closet- it's the only proof I have that what has passed between us
actually happened, and it's not an idle daydream, brought on by unrequited
love and raging hormones. It's mostly security photographs, depicting you
before and after. I tell myself that there's something different about your
eyes, that they're less haunted in the 'after' pictures. I'd tell myself
that the world was flat to make you love me.

There's letters in your tiny handwriting that I emulate countless times
over. No- your letters are not the gushing love notes that every girl in
her right mind wishes to receive. They're simply notes- never saying
goodbye, never apologizing, never thanking, just notes of explanation that
you had to go.

*Aishiteiru.* *Amabo te.* *A ti, te quiero.* I can say it in countless
languages, I can write it in your minute script, and yet, from you, those
words never come. Yet I delude myself, saying that the mission called, that
you didn't have time, but you meant it. You meant to scream my name when I
screamed yours, but you forgot and simply let your face screw up in the
moonlight. You meant it, but you never said so.

I plastered the walls of that small walk in with your notes, my notes, and
wistful thoughts. I tell myself that my letters are really yours, and that
you will come back to me. You always come back to the one that makes you
human.

One time you said something along those lines. You swept away my sweat
soaked bangs, and whispered, "Itsuka (1)." I, not knowing the language,
reached up to pull you down for one last kiss. Force. I should know by now
it never works. You wrenched away, leaving me only to clutch at open air.
I watched your back in the moonlight, and saw the shadows move across your
face, demons of your past returning to nest and spawn in your cranium. I
gazed until the fiend known as sleep enveloped me, and I was left with an
empty bed in the morning.

My mind drifts back to last night, before the witching hour came down upon
us, when we were still together, caught up in our passions. It had been the
best of all those instances you found me, alone in the room, as if it were
an apology for all those times I've rolled over and found nothing but empty
space where you have once lain. Afterwards, oh, I don't wish to remember
it, but still the recollection trickles through me.

You waited until we had both calmed down before getting up and grabbing your
clothes.

"Why?" I asked, confused that you didn't even make the pretense of spending
the night.

"Ninmu."

*Mission.* I hate the word. It drags you from my arms, steals you from my
bed, and tries to kill you at every turn. She is your mistress and I am
your hapless wife. Yet, still, I hope that one day your affair, your
endless dance with death, will finally peter out and the musician that plays
the haunting tune will take his final bows and scurry off the stage.

"Sayonara." You said, standing in the doorway. It seems so final, the word
dropping like a stone into a silent pool. Yet instead of harmless ripples,
it creates a tsunami that destroys the life I know.

I may not be fluent in your language, but even I know that this is the end.
You've never said goodbye before, even in your notes, you simply signed them
'H.' Now, all of a sudden, it's 'Sayonara'. I watched you standing there,
for what seemed like eternity, and you walked away.

The world's not perfect. Knowing you has proven that beyond a reasonable
doubt. If life were perfect, we'd still be innocents. You wouldn't be
disturbed by demons in the night. All we'd worry about is whether or not we
passed the biology test, or snagging a table in the crowded café. The only
politics I'd be involved in would be of the student kind, and whether or not
the vending machines are over priced. Yet, whenever you come, we lose our
innocence, at least in the conventional sense. However, what passes between
us is probably the most innocent thing that you do.

*Sayonara*

How cruel life can be to those that love her enough to sacrifice their
freedom for others!


{I've got everything a broken heart needs
I'm doing fine don't you worry 'bout me
'Cause I'm lord and master
Of a fool's Taj Mahal
Who says you can't have it all}

I sigh, and let the memories play behind closed eyes. *Those that make you
will be the key to your undoing...* I will survive- I have no doubt in my
mind about that. I know how to take the part in the mind games, in the
power plays. Mayhap, this time I might even win.

*Those that make you...*

Did I make you? Or did you make me? Or did we make each other in those
lonely hours where nothing was quite right, yet nothing was quite wrong?
When we reached for each other did we really mean it? Or were we just two
desolate souls searching for answers, and by mistake found each other?

*...the key to your undoing...*


*Sayonara*

I tell myself that you'll come back; I tell myself that you didn't mean it,
but they're lies. Lies, lies, lies, lies. You never say anything you don't
mean; maybe that's why you don't talk unless mandated.

{Oh, who says you can't have it all}

*Sayonara.*

(1) Some day
Sayonara-a very formal way of saying "good-bye"; can be said in the context
of "We'll never meet again"

~Owari~

So, what'd you think? *laughs* I hope this fills the requirements, since I
think otherwise Heero'd lose his dignity...and I refuse to let him lose
that, at least at her hands, where I can't kill her off...

anyhoo C&C wanted. I'm curious to know how this is recieved, since most of
us out here prefer the Yaoi couplings...*eyes glaze over*

~Genji~
Possessed by those lurking in her head:
Raine- The voice of Insanity
Ruth- The often missed voice of Reason
Amber- The seldom present voice of Inspiration
Aithne-The Voice of Fire (the pyromaniac inside us all)
Ursula-the sleeping bear. If woken, everyone suffers.