12.16.01
Hello! Got this idea from my sister and my friend, Jen Zee (where are you girl??). I think it's an easy way for people to know what's going on in my life... without trying to figure it out through rumors. So now anyone can know wassup.. and it comes straight from me! So there will be updates... but also... since I don't really have anyone close to me to talk to while I'm in Kali... I'll express what's going through mind here. Warning: this could be very boring or very personal... beware of the content for this material. LoL.. enjoy.
~*I would like to dedicate this to all the people in my life that I love... the ones closest to my heart, and I know I am close to theirs. I love all my family and friends... and I pray for all of your happiness. Please know that I am nothing without you... it's you who I live and breath for. You all are my everything... the only reason why I am who I am. Thank you.*~
Where do I start? Right now... it's late at night... the whole house is asleep. I'm at Sarah's house. I'm gonna be here for the next three weeks for break!! I'm hoping to spend Christmas with the Andersons (my second family). Ohmigosh..... I can't even... describe... the extreme feeling.. of relaxation that I feel right now... the contentment. It's unbelivable. I haven't felt this good in... a long time. You know that feeling you get when you are gone for long time.. on vacation... and then you come home? I feel like that... only magnified a couple hundred times. I don't think anyone noticed because it was so dark..... but I was crying on the way to Sarah's house from the airport. I was so happy that... you can't even put it in words; no words could serve it justice. I have been living a life.. I have to fake... since last June... I've had to be what I was told to be... but now... I can be whoever I want to be... I can finally relax and be myself. I'm home... with my friends and family. I missed Seattle so much. I think the people in Kali are annoyed by me because all I do is talk about how great it is up here. ^.^ I love it here...
Last night was great! I got off my plane... had a little difficulty finding Sarah and her dad... but then we all went out to Dinner... I called Masumi during her party... went home... called again... Darrick offered me a ride (I swear you sounded like CJ at fist!!).... and then went to the party!! Ohmigosh... that was the most fun!! I think I was little to happy tho... I mean... I haven't seen these people for about half a year!! It's my kendo family... I love them all. So naturally... I hugged just about everyone I knew who walked in front of me... that was pretty much everyone there. It was sooooo great to see them all!! (still mad at Jason for not showing up... I'll get him back later tho... bwaahhaahhaa) Being among those people... just brought back to many happy memories... I wanted to cry again... but I managed just fine with my glowing smiling. I was really happy to see the teens again too!! Hannah, my kenshi homegurl.. she changed a little.. but still a sweety as usual. Jeff.. well he's changed physically from all of that training in Japan (and I made this point to him too... I must of sounded like a total idiot in the process too), but personality wise he's still the same... he doesn't really talk to me. How sad eh? I was really excited to see him again... but I guess I still scare him eh? Hopefully someday he'll lighten up around me like the rest of the kendo guyz. Oh yah, Obukan pplz, why weren't you there?? I wanted to see you guyz!! Well... the party was great!! I made plenty of memories to cheer me up on those lonely days. Arigatou Masumi-san!! ^.^
Well, I should prolly go to bed soon.... my last thoughts..... I wanna go to Mariner and visit my friends and old teachers... since they are all still in skool... but... I'm afraid that the faculty won't let me. *pout* Let's hope that they still remember me. I wish I could tell people how happy I am right now. I cried so much in Kali.... all I wanted to do was come back home and be in the arms of those who love me... I just wanted to be back with those who knew and love me. I think that I have one of the worst cases of homesickness that one could possible get. But now... I'm anble to look all around me... and forget all of that... cuz for the next 3 weeks... I'm in heaven... for the net 3 weeks I can forget about my depressing/painful life.... and just pretend it's still the way it was. You wouldn't believe that butterflies I got in my stomach when I saw Everett again... I saw all the old stores I use to go to... my old skool... all the places I have so many memories with.... all the memories. Even now... as I am chatting, listening to music, and doing this.... it feels like old times... because I haven't been able to stay up and do internet for along time... or listen to my kind of music for a LONG time... I've missed so much.... I am so grateful to be able to feel at home.. once again. I feel like this is all a dream and I'll wake up and still be in Kali... but... if it is... then you wouldn't be reading this.
Last thing... in being up here... I've been able to... remember something.... past loves...... my first love... do you know what that's like? It's the best and worst feeling the the world. Best because you get that feeling again in your heart... burning... and then again worst... knowing that they will never think of you the same way. Not to mention the distance... which seems like will only be getting larger.. and seperating us more. It's kind of sad you can't control who you fall in love with, and it's sad that you can't make people fall in love with you.... I'm sad that my first love had to be (and still is)... so painful. I keep praying someday he'll learn to think of me the same way... but how is that possible if we never see each other? Does he know how much I care for him? Does he know that I would do anything for him? Does he know that because of him.... I have never been able to seriously think of myself with any other guy? I don't if I believe in love-at-first-sight... because it actually too me a while to admit that I *really* did love him... but I do know.. that since the first time I saw him... I fell for him... and since then, I haven't been able to stand again. I wish that I could show him all the other sides of me... maybe he would actually like me for one of them... but I doubt I can muster that courage any time soon. Sometimes I want to just change my whole being to make him happy.. but I know then he wouln't actually be love me. I just wish I knew what he wanted... so I could know what was so wrong with me. I'm afraid that they are things I could never change anyways. *sigh* If he's reading this... and I'm pretty sure he knows who he is.... I love you... I hope someday you'll see the true depth of these words. Well I better go to bed. 99, swt drmz~*
2. 22. 02
Haha, I forgot I even had this page because I never posted it up. Well I guess I'll tell you guyz about this page eventually. I'm in skool right now, it's lunch. I don't eat so I go up here to the computer lab and try to do internet stuffies so I don't use up the phone line when I'm at home. So... here I am!
Well, for the past what... 6 days... I have been pretty much only thinking about one thing... "him." Yes... I finally have a crush. I lived in California for 6 months and didn't crush on a guy... but here I am... less than a month in Maryland and I already found the perfect guy! I hope he likes me too. Wish me luck!! I have to go, the bell just rang. Write more later. Bai!! ^^
back to my profile page
back to my main page
