Name: Heero Yuy
age: 15
occupation: gundam pilot
current status: on leave for holiday
location: Earth
Dec. 3, 2:09 a.m.
I am alone in my room. Outside the snow is falling, making me remember things that I wanted to forget. I can hear the others in the room beside mine. Duo is throwing a party. I don't feel like getting involved in it. He came in earlier and asked me to come, but I told him I dont have time. ... I have too much time. Tonight will be restless. I have too much on my mind to sleep and I am too tired to sleep anyway.
Dec. 3, 7:24 p.m.
Today the other pilots decided to shop for presents for their friends and family - those who have family. I prefer it simple, no one to look out for except myself. I was obliged to go with them on account that I missed the party last night. I suppose it's not all bad.
Since this is a private journal I will say that the lights and colors, smiling faces have a certain appeal. I walked through the shops with Quatre and he seemed delighted at it all. Quatre is so different from the rest of us. However, I did feel a warmth from the people of Earth that I haven't felt since all the fighting started. I had forgotten that things could ever be like that again.
Dec. 4, 7:10 a.m.
Last night I slept decently. It was unusual. I am preparing to leave my quarters for the day. I cannot say where I'm going just in case this journal falls into the wrong hands. I doubt that will happen, but I am not one to slack where protocol is concerned. I wish - just once - that I could let myself go. I think that way sometimes, but I am driven by my mission. I will delete that comment later. I must always have control of myself.
Dec.5, 2:11 a.m.
I walked last night. It was very cold and snow was three inches deep on the ground. I left the grounds at 8:03 p.m. I looked at the tower clock on the lawn just as I was leaving, that's how I know. I suppose it's of no consequence.
I walked for miles until I was completely alone with the night and the moon and the snow. The moon was a quarter full so there were still stars. It was beautiful. I stood there soaking it in. I felt... hungry somehow, but not for food. I can't explain it. I took my coat off and stood in the snow looking around me, looking up at the stars and the moon. I couldn't get the war out of my mind. The stars were only space when I was flying Zero. They weren't beautiful. I didn't notice them at all. Last night I saw them differently.
I stood there for hours. It was so cold that I soon began to lose the feeling in my feet. I didn't care. I stood there anyway. I don't know why, but I couldn't leave. I needed something that I saw in the night and the moon and stars - even in the snow. I felt so broken and alone. No one seems to know what is inside of me. I doubt if anyone cares. Zero is my only constant companion. Even the other pilots don't know how I feel. Quatre tries and Trowa realizes my need for space. Duo doesn't know me at all... , but perhaps he knows me better than I realize. He just doesn't care what others think of him.
Dec. 5, 6:15 p.m.
This afternoon after study and training Duo came to talk to me. He was very enthusiastic about some plans he has for Christmas holiday. He insists that I join him and Quatre for a skii excursion next weekend. I don't like to skii. It doesn't interest me, but I told him I would consider it.
For some reason Duo chose today to unburden himself of his feelings about the holidays. I sat and listened to him pour his heart out for over an hour. I didn't say much, but he didn't seem to care. He told me that he wanted to treat his friends (the gundam pilots) to the best Christmas they ever had because if he had a family that is what he would do with them. He doesn't have a family and that seems to be particularly hard on him around the holidays. I suppose it would be to anyone if they celebrated the holidays with family.
Duo left my room at 6 o'clock. I know that he wanted me to respond more to his opening up to me, but I have had too much on my mind. It isn't so much the early darkness that bothers me, for we are used to that in space, but it's the loneliness. It seems so much deeper when you see others enjoying themselves with festivities that don't include you. I find myself walking down the street envying strangers.
Dec. 6, 11:03 p.m.
I didn't go out today. Duo got me thinking and I sat up all night. I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I have nothing to do without my mission. I am useless and purposeless. I am like those toy soldiers that children play with on Christmas then abandon after the holidays are over.
I haven't spoken to anyone all day. It doesn't matter. They know to leave me alone. Only, I'm not sure if I want to be left alone tonight. I am lonely. I am only a soldier without a mission and no one cares about a soldier without a mission.
I put my fist through the window because I wanted to touch the snow. I cut myself on the glass. I touched the snow and it turned pink with blood. It was pretty that color. Perhaps if snow was pink or blue then people would look at it differently. Maybe they'd take more notice of it. Snow, like soldiers is cold and predictable and easy to get tired of if it never changes.
I got cold with the air coming in through the broken window and I became dizzy from the loss of blood. I fell unconscious for a long time and when I awoke Trowa was standing over me and looking at my injured hand. He helped me up and told me he wouldn't tell anyone what happened just as long as I was alright now. I remember wanting to talk to him, wanting to tell him how I felt and what I thought I needed. I didn't know what I needed, so I said nothing. Soon he left me alone again.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so broken inside, so empty?
Dec. 7, 8:25 a.m.
When I awoke this morning I was disoriented. I felt feverish and seasick. Quatre was sitting on the edge of my bed waiting for me to open my eyes. He had bandaged my hand and wanted to know how I had injured it. I told him. I didn't have the strength to keep secrets. It was a wonderful feeling to finally tell someone how I had been feeling.
Quatre was very understanding. He somehow made me feel better. He told me that he too felt lonely and all he could do to ease it was be in the company of his friends. He said that he was my friend and would do anything to help me. ( I believe what he said.) He told me that no matter how I might feel when I am alone that I shouldn't forget how people do care about me. It was quite an encouraging thing to hear.
I have gone so long on my own with no one to care whether I live or die. What they do care about is whether I succeed or fail at my mission. I have been treated like a machine so long that I was beginning to think like one. Quatre made me reconsider that assumption.
I am not a machine. I am not a toy soldier. I am a gundam pilot - with the human heart of a gundam pilot.
Dec. 8, 10:38 p.m.
Long day today. Gundam pilots have needs, I suppose, but I haven't experienced anything like I did today. I have longed to kill before, longed to injure people, but that came from anger and pain... inside me, and of course, the mission. Today I knocked a man in a Santa Claus suit unconscious and I meant to. Duo said that I was acting like 'Scrooge' - whoever he is. I don't care what he thought. Something tells me, though, that this 'Scrooge' person wouldn't quite do what I did.
People in the square stopped and stared at what I did as if they couldn't believe anyone would dare to do something like that - but then again, some of them had smiles on their faces. I myself felt a rush of satisfaction from it. I had been so tight and wound up inside that I couldn't move. Punching the man in the red suit was one of the best things I could've done for myself. I am anxious from not fighting and on edge. That man shouldn't have disturbed me today.
For further reference I will describe what happened. It strikes me as... amusing now. The other pilots and I were walking in the square when we passed the man, who, like all the others in his occupation, laughed deeply and approached us for a donation. Quatre was only too happy to oblige, of course. So, he did, but the man wasn't finished with his business with us. He noticed me, I don't know why - but then again people act very strangely this time of the year. He walked up to me and badgered me in his 'jolly' way to respond. He wanted me to smile and act 'in the holiday spirit', but I don't do that stuff. I told him to leave me alone, but he persisted to annoy me. Finally I just had to deck him.
Duo was shocked, but not as upset as Quatre who said that I shouldn't have done it. I got a glance of approval from Trowa, however. He's not known for the 'holiday spirit' either. The people stared, like I said before, but we just walked on past them.
I am finding it very trying to bear Duo's attitude during the holidays - especially since I am spending far too much time with him. He is more cheerful now than he ever has been. He's rubbing off on the others too. I think that I will have to bring him down a little or I won't be able to stand this time off. War is easier for me to tollerate sometimes than Duo Maxwell is.
Dec. 9, 9:34 p.m.
I started off the month on a low key and I slowly, day by day, felt my spirits lift. I keep reminding myself to go on my emotions. I do it so often, but my emotions are faulty. Today, for instance, I felt that my emotions didn't lead me in the right direction. As a soldier, of course I also rely on my instincts and those are the only things that saved me when my emotions went haywire.
Relena. She decided to pay us a visit this evening. At 6 o'clock precisely she arrived at the door dressed in red, wearing a muff and wishing us happy holidays. I wish I had been elsewhere at the time, but something compelled me to stay. So,I did, to Duo's pleasure. He teased me in front of Relena and I had to take him into the kitchen and threaten him so that he would be quiet. Then things were better.
Relena was pleased to see me well. I suppose she expected the season to not settle well with me. I told her simply that I was well and that everything was fine.
We talked and Quatre joined us. He and Trowa played for us on their instruments. Relena enjoyed their music and wanted to dance... with me. I refused. Duo offered to dance with her and I accepted. I suppose she must've thought I was jealous, but that was not so. Duo simply has a habit of ruining pleasant occassions with his careless attitude. I was certain that this would be one of those times had I not stepped in and prevented it. So, we danced.
Before I knew it, she'd rested her head on my shoulder and I could see Duo smirking out of the corner of my eye. I made her stop dancing and said that I'd had enough. I hurt her feelings and she left the room and I suppose she went to sulk in the bathroom. I didn't go after her. I felt too foolish as it was.
After that fiasco, Quatre suggested that we have dinner. Relena returned from the bathroom and joined us, looking very red in the face. She covered herself with dignity, however. I'll have to admire her for that.
Dinner proceeded without incident. Everything went well. Then Duo spilled the gravy and Relena helped him wipe it up. She gave him undue attention for something as easily accomplished as a gravy spill. He just went along with it and I could've killed him! (This is where I let my instinct take over control, since obviously my emotions weren't guiding me as well as I'd planned.) Instead of getting angry, I ignored them. Then Relena looked angry. It was a perfectly ridiculous situation. I can't believe she would stoop so low as to try to actually make me jealous!
After dinner Duo was off my back and out of the picture because Hilde showed up at the door next. We didn't see them again for the rest of the evening. I was just fine with that.
I thought that the night was almost at its close when Relena asked me to take her for a walk in the garden. It was cold and I couldn't see any reason for her wanting to walk outside except to be alone with me. However, I didn't object. She really wasn't that bad of a dinner guest. The walk lasted only twenty minutes, because, like I expected, Relena got cold and wanted to go inside. Still, we had a talk and I shared with her a few of the experiences I'd had on holiday. She laughed at my incident with the Santa Claus. (I didn't tell her about walking in the snow that night or breaking the window in my bedroom. She wouldn't have known what to say to me.) The walk ended with her kissing me on the cheek and saying "happy holidays". I was glad that she came to visit.
Dec. 11, 1:32 a.m.
The weather was bad yesterday. It snowed two feet and the paths and roads were frozen, so there was no getting out. I had to spend the day trapped inside a house with a very moody Wufei and a very cheerful Duo. Both are a bad combination.
Wufei has been ignoring all of us except for Quatre for almost a week now. He stays in his room and broods most of the time and when I see him he gives me dark looks. I am content to stay away from him, myself, but Duo is disturbed by his behavior and insists that he be cheered up. That is the task Duo took on himself yesterday.
When I awoke, Duo thundered into my room and told me all about what he intended to do for Wufei. I was half-asleep and not inclined to listen, but he rambled on anyway. I got dressed with him babbling on and on. Then I threw him out.
Wufei didn't take kindly to Duo's plan. Duo had wanted to include Wufei in various games and a party of some kind that he was planning with Trowa and Quatre. Wufei, just shut himself in his room and refused to come out. Duo, foolheartily got the large snow shovel and shoveled a path to Wufei's bedroom window. Wufei wasn't amused by it at all and gave a Duo a greatly deserved black eye.
I stayed out of the whole mess. I sat working on my labtop for as long as the electricity was working. When the electricity failed I was in the dark and Trowa came in to talk to me with a flashlight. He said that he wanted to get away from the commotion in the house and my room was the best place to do it.
Apparently, when I learned of it later, the commotion had been a wild arguement between Duo and Wufei begun by Wufei's refusal to join the activities and Duo's attempt to force him into it. Quatre was in the middle, trying to be the mediator. He got the worst of it and in the end Duo and Wufei came together only to look after Quatre, who'd been knocked unconscious.
It was good that I stayed out of it. I have had about all I can stand of Duo's meddling. I have had about all I can stand of each of the pilot's habits, actually. The sooner I can get out of this house and away from them, the better.
Dec.12, 10:20 p.m.
I had a dream about Relena last night. I was standing in the snow like I did last week, and it was night. I was very cold. She came walking over the hill in her red coat and boots and she didn't look cold at all. She smiled at me as her breath billowed around her and she took my hand. She didn't say anything, just pointed off across the snow. I looked where she pointed and I saw a house that was full of lights. Relena seemed to want me to go there with her. I wouldn't go and she was sad. She told me that the future is over the hill and I don't even want to see it. Then she turned away and started walking toward the house. I couldn't move to follow her - even if I wanted to. My feet were frozen in the snow.
I woke up cold and realized that my window was open. I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up and worked on my labtop until Quatre called me to breakfast. I didn't tell anyone about the dream.
Dec. 13, 8:16 p.m.
I had a fight with Duo today. He was angry with me for something I had done to him yesterday and he wouldn't forget about it. I told him I didn't want to fight, but he persisted. I had to beat some sense into him. He got some good hits in on me, though. I've got a black eye and quite a few bruises now.
It started after lunch. Duo was grumbling under his breath and I had had enough of it. I told him to shut up or do something about it. He decided to challenge me for some reason. Then it was on. We fought all over the living room, toppling over furniture and breaking an antique statue - which made Quatre very angry.
I slammed Duo into the wall in the hallway and made him tell me exactly what he was upset about. He did. I had tampered with his files for school and he wasn't happy about it. Somehow he'd found out.
I didn't apologize about Duo's files. He deserved what I did to him. It was only a harmless way to vent my frustration at how he's acted the past few weeks. Besides, I'm sure that his instructors won't really think that he is mentally challenged.
After I'd agreed to set Duo's records straight, he seemed satisfied. I only agreed because Quatre felt that it was unfair to leave them the way they were. If I had been so inclined I would've laughed at the whole thing.
Dec. 14, 6:45 p.m.
I have a horrible withdrawal from battle. I long to fly with Zero again. It seems like ages since I have. I don't know if it's the gundanium that has that effect or if I just miss Zero. I don't like sensing emotions in myself that I don't understand. Perhaps someday I will.
I busied myself with going over plans with Trowa concerning improving our gundams. It fills the space between activities and keeps our minds focused. Trowa seems to enjoy it.
Duo has plans for tonight with Hilde. He's inviting her over to dinner. He asked me if he should invite Relena, but I refused his offer. That dream I had has me wondering things and I want to decipher it before seeing Relena again.
Dec. 19, 4:55 p.m.
I have taken ill. It happened around the sixteenth a few days ago. The fifteenth of the month the others and I were shoveling the snow in the yard so that we could get out. It was not the easiest work. Duo threw a snowball at me and that started a full-scale snowball war that lasted practically all day. We broke into teams and singles and allied with each other at times when we had a common enemy. Most of us were out to get Duo, I imagine. He started the fight , after all. It was fun. We all were soaked and freezing by the time it was over. I even, at some point, teamed up with Quatre and creamed Duo and Wufei. I don't know why they teamed up, but it's not the first time that has happened. I guess Wufei has forgiven Duo for the incident last week. Trowa joined teams and left to go on his own against all of us. He really is one to change his mind. He joined Wufei for an assault on Duo and Quatre when I was alone in my own fort deciding whether I wanted to be part of that battle.
This vacation isn't quite as unbearable now. The only thing is, Duo and Quatre keep visiting me in my room to take care of me. I often want to be left alone. The flu is bad enough without an audience. Still, I played chess with Quatre and arm-wrestled with Duo (and still beat him). When I really want them to leave me alone, I just have to say it. Trowa does a good job of fending them off for me. Not that I need his help, but I am sick.
I was well enough today to write a journal entry. Mostly, I just sleep. I eat when the mood hits me or when Quatre insists. I would rather sleep and now I think that I have developed a fever. My head is very heavy and full of thoughts. Perhaps I will recover soon and get back to whatever it was I was doing. Vacations make me too lax. I have to find things to occupy my time.
Dec. 24, 6:58 p.m.
I have recovered and with Christmas approaching I have been dragged all over the place. Duo wanted to buy some last minute gifts. I did get the others presents. Although, I had quite a tough time trying to buy for Wufei. I finally got him a gift certificate. He can do what he wants. He can buy something for his gundam.
Duo thinks I'm a sadist to write an entry on Christmas Eve. He thinks I'm a sadist anyway, so I decided what the heck. I will make it short. Even Trowa wants me to join them in the living room. (This time of year really makes people act strangely.) I think there's something in the air around Christmas. I have to admit, it has me a little altered too. I'm sure it's not permanent.
Well, the tree is trimmed and Quatre has made hot cocoa for us. I can hear him playing "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" on the piano. Duo always has to sing the loudest. Show-off. Someone's got to go out there and keep him away from the gifts. We're each going to open one tonight. Quatre says it's a tradition in his family. I wouldn't know about that. I do know that Duo won't be sleeping in tomorrow.
