07 July 2001

Bottom of My Shoe

I wore your heart on the bottom of my shoe just like I said I would. Don't give me that hurt expression. I told you from the start that I would if you tried anything. That's what you and your girlfriend didn't understand Brian. Neither one of you can ever hurt me. I don't have a heart.

You know this is all Angela's fault, right? She started this. When I first met you I did like you, but she was my friend, so I left you alone. I knew she was using me for my car, for money, for ways to get to you, and I didn't blame her. If I had a man like you, I would do whatever it took too. But like I said I left you alone. I didn't want to betray her. I didn't want to put your heart on the bottom of my shoe.

But both of you tried to screw me. I've always said I never trusted her, despite our friendship. I know I can be an asshole and not helpful to those that deserve it. But damnit you started with me. You lied to her about us. You flaunted a relationship in front of her face that didn't even exist between us. I made sure not to even blink in your direction when she was around. I also didn't know you liked me back.

You wanna know why I agreed to your proposition? Because she pissed me off for the last time. I tried to help her, I really did, but she asked too much of me, and then complained when I did the best I could. Fine bitch, two can play this game. So I took what was most important to her. You.

Everything was great at first Brian. The sex was incredible, we went out all the time, and we didn't get caught. Those first few weeks were the best. But then she found out. I knew she suspected all along from when you lied, which later became true, but that's beside the point. I just can't believe you threw it in her face like that. I know you said she deserved it, but I wanted to tell her. Why? To be honest, to hurt her. I busted my ass all the time for her. I dropped whatever I was doing at her whim, trying to be a good friend, as good as I had been through our five years of friendship. I knew she was lost, and I tried to find her, but no matter what I tried she resisted. So I gave up. What I didn't expect was that you couldn't choose between us. She did so much that ended up hurting you, emotionally and financially, but you couldn't choose between us. So I made the decision for you.

Don't look at me like that. I told you I wouldn't care if you tried to betray me, and I truly don't. I know how it is to feel that lost and be that far gone. I tried to help her just as others helped bring me back. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But you complicated things between her and me, and destroyed what existed between us. Except now, she has a fatherless baby, you are alone and jobless, and I am constantly learning new things and seeing parts of the world. My friends and I are now planning a trip to Spain. It's going to be wonderful!

I told you, both you and her, that you couldn't hurt me. I didn't have a heart. I lost it a very long time ago. But it's okay. In the end, I screwed you both. But don't worry, your heart is safely kept on the bottom of my shoe.