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*Author's Note: Due to a bribe that I couldn't refuse, As If! is being continued for at least a little while longer. While I'm here, I'd like to thank all my reviewers for their kind support... I've had people telling me all sorts of things when it comes to stopping or continuing, but you all always said it was funny, and that really means a lot to me. You guys are great! Thank you so much.

Now, to Skye -- How does four chapters (two for Legendary Heroes, two for Dungeon Dice Monsters) in exchange for a picture of Bakura or Malik with the Eye or Rod sound? I think it sounds reasonably fair, but I'm not an artist, and you're obviously the one holding the cards here, anyway...

Oh, I almost forgot -- I'm shortening Legendary Heroes into two chapters, rather than three, just because it's awfully long. And the BEUD trilogy that started it all was only one chapter, right? I hope you all don't mind.

Well, that's it! I hope you enjoy this chapter! And there will be more as soon as schoolwork lightens enough for me to write it. *laughs* So keep an eye on your hellweather report.

(P.S. Is it just me, or is Big Three the coolest of the Big Five?)*

*Scene: Kaiba might be standing while the Big Five sit, but he still holds the dominant position.*

Big Two: Mr. Kaiba... Uhh, welcome back, sir.

Big One: What an unexpected surprise!

Big Four: It's so good to see you completely unharmed from that helicopter crash!

Kaiba: *shrewdly* What helicopter crash?

Big Three: The helicopter crash you... *trails off* ... You mean, your helicopter didn't crash?

Big Four: *whispers to Big Five* What happened? Why didn't it work?

Big Five: *whispers back* Why are you asking me? That was your responsibility!

Big Three: *groans* Oh, hell...

*Scene: After one of Mokuba's very nifty rants on morality.*

Kaiba: You're all fired. And I suggest you leave now before I really lose my temper, and take more than just your jobs.

Big Four: No! Not our hover-cars!

Kaiba: *with a demented look* Yes! The hover-cars!!

Big Three: No! You wouldn't!

Big One: We're sorry!!

*The Big Five flee.*

*Scene: The Big Five are very fond of calling Kaiba "Seto."*

Big Three: The sole reason we formed this so-called "partnership" with Master -- pardon -- Mister Pegasus was to rescue you.

Big One: Yes, Johnson here is absolutely right! Pegasus was the one who wanted your company, and we thought that if perhaps we had some sort of phony alliance with him, it would lead us to you!

Kaiba: I see. So you kidnapped my brother hoping to rescue me from my beachhouse, is that correct?

Big Four: *sweatdropping* Uhh, well, we were very drunk at the time, you must understand...

*Scene: Kaiba considers Mokuba to be the most interesting person in the room -- after himself, of course.*

Kaiba: At last, Mokuba, my virtual adventure game is ready to be tested. *leaves, completely ignoring the Big Five*

Mokuba: You just got back! Why do you have to try it our right now?

Kaiba: *smiling fondly* You don't need to worry about it, Mokuba.

Mokuba: But it could be a trap!

Kaiba: Come now, Mokuba. You know how oppositional-defiant I am. If anything would completely convince me to do it, that would.

Mokuba: *whines* But Setooo!

Kaiba: Don't make me stick you in there.

Mokuba: *shuts up*

*Scene: En route to the basement.*

Kaiba: You're forgetting, little brother. I designed each and every program in this game myself.

Mokuba: Hmm... *walks over to the Virtua-Pod control station* Let's see, here... *does a simple "Get Info"* Ah! It says this program was modified just a week ago -- after you left!

Kaiba: Oh. Well, I guess we'd better burn it, then.

Mokuba: *startled* Really?

Kaiba: No.

*Scene: Kaiba climbs into his starkly "beautiful" Virtua-Pod.*

Computer: Insert dueling deck into the drive recognizer.

*Kaiba, who carries his deck at all times, does so without even looking.*

Computer: Thank you. Have a nice day. *locks the drive recognizer and ejects Kaiba, who falls on his face and starts to curse*

Mokuba: *sighs* I hate always being right...

*Scene: The Armed Ninja captures Kaiba, and Mokuba runs over to try to help.*

Mokuba: Big brother? Are you okay? Say something! *looks at the Virtua-Pod with startled objectivity* You know, the lids of these things are really supposed to be locked while in use. I'll have to remember to mention that to the tech crew.

*Scene: The doors slam closed, and the Big Five taunt Mokuba via intercom.*

Big One: Your brother's obsession with technology has always been his greatest weakness.

Mokuba: *hurt* What? He always said I was!

*Scene: Either Kemo was employed by the Big Five all along, or he's a mercenary. Take your pick.*

Goon 1: He went through the ventilator shaft!

Goon 2: *impressed* Kid thinks fast!

Goon 1: Yeah, and moves fast, too. What is that, ten feet high?

Goon 2: At least, I'd say.

Goon 1: *awed* Wow.

Goon 2: He's cool.

Kemo: Hey! Mind who you're working for.

*Scene: News of Mokuba's escape is poorly received.*

Big Three: We don't have to find little Mokuba; he'll come back to us soon enough.

Big One: Why is that?

Big Three: Because we have his brother, and if Mokuba wants to save him, the only way is to use the Virtua-Pod and beat the game he's trapped in -- a scenario that is, I assure you, quite unlikely. You see, I have altered the game such that it has no definite goal -- like The Sims.

*The Big Ones laugh maniacally.*

*Scene: Mokuba shows up at the Game Shop, clearly having run all the way through the rain.*

Yugi: So you're saying that the only way Kaiba can escape is by winning the game?

Mokuba: *sarcastic* Man, you guys are so sharp, it hurts.

*Scene: Téa, being ever-comforting, points out the hopelessness of the situation.*

Mokuba: *staring morosely at his tea* I don't know, but I thought... I thought you could help.

Grandpa: Calm down, Mokuba. We will, we will.

Tristan: *mutters* "Calm down?" If that kid was any calmer, he'd be asleep!

*Scene: Mokuba waxes poetic about his brother's workaholic tendencies.*

Yugi: We'll use those pod prototypes, go to that adventure world, and rescue Kaiba!

Mokuba: Lovely thought, but you don't actually think he worked multiplayer capabilities into his first models, do you?

Yugi: *blinks* Well, it is Kaiba...

Mokuba: *grins* You got it! Let's go!

*Scene: Mokuba steals an umbrella from the Motos, which subsequently disappears and reappears at will.*

Mokuba: This is where Seto keeps his most secret stuff.

Joey: *looks around with appreciation* Hey, cool! I bet we could make a fortune offa this stuff! *picks up a box patterned like a Duel Monster's card* I wonder what this does?

Mokuba: *sweatdrops* That's a clock, Joey.

Joey: Wooow...

*Scene: Poking around Kaiba Labs.*

Joey: Only three pods. I guess someone's staying here. I say Tristan.

Tristan: *puts him in a headlock* And I say you!

Mokuba: I know I'm going.

Joey: *strangled* Mokuba!

Téa: Wow, you actually think I'm better fit to help out than Mokuba?

Tristan: Well, sure! You could scare any monsters away just by scowlin' at 'em!

Téa: Grr... *whacks Tristan*

Tristan: *in a dizzy heap on the floor* See what I mean...?

*Scene: Joey chats with his taller buddy, while Téa looks on and looks cute.*

Joey: Take care of my gorgeous bod, pal!

Tristan: *disturbed* Huh?

Yugi: *blushes* A-heh-heh...

Téa: *turns away* Ugh!

Mokuba: *confused* Clearly I'm missing something here...

*Scene: Mokuba feels an extra desire to show off, since nobody bade him a fond farewell on his digital trip.*

Joey: Wait a sec. These zombies are nothing but Duel Monsters! So if I just draw a card, then... Then I really don't know what.

Mokuba: Lemme show you how it's done. I summon the Rude Kaiser! *draws a card*

Yugi: And I summon the Dark Magician! *does the same*

Mokuba: Now I just enter the special summoning code... *starts typing like mad on a small panel on his duel disk* Modify the d-variables, press Enter, and... done! *the Rude Kaiser appears*

Yugi: *wide-eyed, and looking very foolish by now* Uhhh...

*Scene: Same. Leapy leapy!*

Mokuba: I summon the Rude Kaiser! *draws a card and activates it*

Yugi: Wow, is Kaiba really not going to mind you using his deck?

Mokuba: Well, it's not like I'm using his Blue-Eyes, now is it?

Joey: *confused* How did you get to draw whatever card you wanted?

Mokuba: *sighs* Can I hit him? Please?

Yugi: Later, Mokuba. Later.

*Scene: Joey's Flame Swordsman attacks the newly rezzed monsters, and is destroyed.*

Joey: Every time we slay one of these zombie monsters, they come back even stronger!

Yugi: That's true, but no matter how strong their attacks get, they still have one major weakness. Just think about it, Joey! Remember, you've defeated them before.

Joey: Huh? I what? Oh, yeah... against Bonz! Now, how did that work?

Mokuba: *watching his Rude Kaiser get chased down by a mad zombie* Sometime this century, please!

Joey: I remember we decided that direct attacks wouldn't work... It was some kinda magic card, I remember THAT... Umm...

Mokuba: Dear god! Can I just TELL him?!

Yugi: No! He's got to figure this out on his own!

Mokuba: Oh, bloody hell...

Dark Magician: *sighs and starts juggling knives to pass the time*

Joey: It wasn't Kunai with Chain, or Time Wizard... err... just gimme a moment...

*Scene: Yugi and Mokuba stand around chatting about the scoring system of the game.*

Joey: Hey, my life points aren't going back up!

Mokuba: *trying to sound sympathetic, or at least interested* That sure can't be good, can it?

Joey: Man, I guess these virtual monsters are playing for keeps.

*They all hear giggling -- which isn't from a cheerleader.*

Mokuba: What is that thing?

Joey: Hey, I bet it's one of them fairies that they put in these games to help the players out! *the fairy giggles again* Yeah, it's gotta be! So if I eat it, my life points'll go back up! *snatches at it* Come to papa!

Earu: *gives a startled squeal and hastily flies off*

Joey: Quick! Let's follow it! *shouts* YOU WON'T GET AWAY FROM ME!!

*Scene: Everyone's staring at the headstone. By the lovely Pharaohs Light and Dark.*

Mokuba: What is that thing?

Joey: *points* Hey, I bet it's one of them fairies that they put in these games to help the players out!

Yugi: Um... Joey? I think it's a headstone.

Joey: *scratches head* Coulda fooled me...

*Scene: Earu leads them to a virtual town, hereafter called "Virtuatown."*

Yugi *voice over*: Search every street. *scene of Yugi poking around in a shop* Question every virtual person you see. *scene of Mokuba stealing a popsicle from some kids* Somebody must have spotted him or know something about what happened to him. *scene of Joey meditating next to a some guys with their eyes closed* Someone somewhere can help us. *scene of Mokuba lugging an old lady around* That's the way these games work. *scene of Yugi being dangled out of a window by some guy* When we're done, let's meet back at the water fountain. *scene of Joey being chased by a vicious-looking dog*

Mokuba: *standing by the water fountain tapping his foot* Geez! Where ARE those lay-abouts?

Yugi: *in a bruised heap on the ground* Oww...

Joey: *trying to bandage up his leg with strips from his shirt* Damn dog...

*Scene: The gang sets out across Virtuadesert to find Kaiba -- Joey somehow managing to run slower than the two kids half his height.*

Joey: I gotta hand it to your brother. This virtual sand, it tastes just like real sand.

Yami: What are you talking about? There's an iron tang here that is completely wrong. And the texture might be a good imitation, but it could never fool me.

Yugi: *not in the mood* Either be quiet or get out here yourself.

*Scene: Our heroes get caught up in a virtua sand twister, and wind up unconscious back in Virtuatown, where legions of tiny virtuabugs seize the opportunity to start nesting in their hair.*

Joey: Yugi! Yuge! Wake up, pal! We're alive!

Yugi: *opens his eyes with a groan* *slurred* I know you are, but what am I?

*Mokuba chuckles.*

*Scene: An old man laughs happily at their pain. He is hereafter called "Virtua Jon."*

Virtua Jon: That ain't no way to be crossin' no desert!

Joey: Wait, are ya sayin' ya know how to cross it, then?

Virtua Jon: No, it's not me who knows, it's them desert-crossin' Niwatori chickens!

Joey: Them what? Ohhh... you mean the Niwatori card!

Yami: *smirks* Actually, he's just saying that even chickens have a better idea of how to cross the desert than you.

Yugi: *mentally* Do you have any advice you'd like to impart?

Yami: Nah... it's much more amusing watching you try to figure it out.

Yugi: You're still getting back at me for forfeiting to Rebecca, aren't you?

Yami: *smirks again* Now would I do that?

*Scene: Out in the real world, Téa is starting to get a little anxious, or at least bored.*

Tristan: Don't you worry. I once saw Joey play a video game for three days straight without blinkin' or nothin'.

Téa: And the fact that he's so slow at it is supposed to comfort me?

Tristan: *sweatdrops* Well, yeah, that was the idea...

*Scene: Tristan's unwelcome suggestions for how to pass the time are fortunately interrupted by the Big Five's goons.*

Goon: Yeah, we'll get a bonus for this.

Kemo: A bonus for doing your job? Remind me to order a drug test done on you.

*Scene: Yugi abruptly remembers the sign advertising a contest for a Niwatori card, so they run off to sign up.*

The Grand Battle Chief and Combat Outfitter of Shadow Coliseum: One of you as a coliseum warrior? I don't know. This city takes its gladiator matches quite seriously...

Joey: No duh. I mean, look who made th' place!

*Mokuba rolls his eyes and decides to try to ignore him.*

*Scene: Joey decides to fight, despite Yugi's protest that his life points -- the Battle Chief's term -- are the lowest of the group.*

Joey: Yeah, well, just looks like I'll have to be extra-careful then, huh? But so will the champ once he sees the skills that I have.

Mokuba: *snorts* "He?" That picture actually made her look like a guy to you? What tipped you off? The long hair or the short skirt?

*Scene: Episode Two. Mai talks to the camera for a while.*

Mai: I knew guys could be dirty as pigs, didn't know they dressed the part.

Joey: I knew butterflies were vain little bitches, didn't know they were yappy, too.

Yugi: *sweatdrops* Joey's just lucky there aren't any girls in this crowd...

*Scene: Flame Swordsman against Harpy Lady.*

Mai: I knew it. Pigs don't know about Trap Cards. *summons* Mirror Wall!

Joey: Geez! How's a guy supposed to be careful when his opponent can play whatever card they've got on top, whenever they wanta?!

Mai: *winks* Prescience!

*Scene: Joey begs for mercy, and Mai calls off her attack.*

Mai: *taking off her mask* Joey? Is that you?

Mokuba: *to Yugi* What, don't our clothes stand out enough among these guys? *gestures at the disgruntled shades-of-grey*

*Scene: Mokuba is the only guy too young there not to instantly brighten at seeing Mai.*

Yugi: What are you doing here, Mai? *vaults over the fence*

Mai: *startled* Yugi! Mokuba! I'm...

Mokuba: *scowling* On first name terms with a Kaiba?

Mai: *if looks could kill, she'd get away with murder* Chill it, kid.

*Scene: After some delighted squealing over Kaiba being in the game, Mai steals the Niwatori card, and they take off running.*

Joey: *happily (and sarcastically) ignoring the death-match part of the duel* Ahh, this is much better than duelin'. *stops* Enough! Crowd control time! Go, Trap Hole!

Yugi: *impressed* Wow. An even dozen. My Yami's never managed to kill that many people at once, yet...

*Scene: The Niwatori-back conversation about the Big Five's lack of conception of timing -- having Mai test the game while Kaiba was trapped inside -- is interrupted by the desert suddenly erupting beneath their feet.*

Mai: It's an earthquake!

Yugi: No, it's something worse! It's another obstacle programmed into the game.

Mai: What, are you saying an earthquake wouldn't count on an obstacle?

*Scene: A Duel Monster -- 1300/1600 -- rears its stony head.*

Joey: Oh, no! It's a Sandstorm Monster!

Mokuba: We're never gonna get past that!

*Yugi abruptly starts choking on some sand.*

Joey: *sweatdrops* Uh, Mokuba, doncha got Kaiba's deck, there?

Mai: KAIBA'S deck?! *starts laughing*

Mokuba: Oh, shut up. -_-;

*Scene: Joey uses the commercial break to stop panicking, and summons the Red-Eyes Black Dragon, which destroys the Sandstorm Monster in under ten seconds.*

Mai: Look, through the dust! Do you see what I see?

Yugi: Some sort of ancient temple. That must be what we're looking for.

Mai: Is that where they're keeping Kaiba?

Mokuba: An old woman told us it was "the temple across the desert." So that's gotta be it. Seto's gotta be there!

Mai: Really? So then if we go into that temple, we're sure to find Kaiba!

Yugi: Yeah, I mean, that's obviously an ancient temple there in the desert cliff.

Mokuba: I just know my brother's going to be in that temple!

Mai: Even if it is kind of hard to see through all the sand and the heat-haze...

*Joey starts backing away from them very, very slowly.*

*Scene: Upon reaching the temple, Joey and Mai take eight seconds to set off after Mokuba. Yugi, for no explained reason, takes longer.*

Joey: *failing to wonder why Kaiba designed a part of his game to look like Pegasus's basement* Sheesh. This temple's seen better days.

Mai: Definitely creepy.

Yugi: *fingering his Puzzle* Makes me think of Bakura, for some reason.

*Joey and Mai laugh.*

*Scene: One wonders where the light in that cave is coming from.*

Joey: It's a labyrinth dungeon! It's like where we dueled them weirdo Paradox brothers, huh, Yuge?

Mai: And you could tell this from looking at a twenty-foot-high wall... how?

*Scene: After a nice speech from Yugi, which proves that he's less scared of video games than I am -- even while being in one -- the group (nix Joey) is nearly run down by a Labyrinth Tank.*

Joey: *trying to decide where Adena is* Left, right, left, right...

Yugi: *running madly* Joey! Gotta go, now!

Joey: *utters one of the best lines so far* Tank! WAGH! *flees*

Labyrinth Tank 1: *sniffles grindingly* Why is no one ever happy to see us?

Labyrinth Tank 2: *crying* I just want a hug...

*Scene: Labyrinth Tanks are able to drive sideways, it seems, and so are able to trap our Heroes.*

Yugi: I'll use my Magical Hats!

*Zap!*

Joey: *under a Hat and snickering* I love that trick.

Mokuba: *annoyed* You mean, the one that had a 25% chance of us getting fried anyway?

Joey: You're a picky little kid, ya know that?

*Scene: The blondes and the munchkins follow the fairy. I found this line a) too good not to use, and b) too good to do anything with. Fortunately, Sasha Janre is not so limited.*

Joey: Check it out, Mokuba. Looks like that fairy's turned you into a girl.

Mokuba: Great. Can she make you smart?

Mai: *laughs* No-one said the fairy was a miracle worker, kid.

*Scene: Mokuba is ill-tempered, but still more of a gentleman than Joey.*

Mokuba: We heard someone scream. Are you alright?

Adena: I lost Earu, my guide.

Mokuba: So you screamed?

Adena: *blushes* Well, yes.

Mokuba: Oh, god. I can't believe I was programmed into THIS.

*Scene: She's a bottle-black.*

Joey: *still eyeing Earu hungrily* So, can you get us out of this rat-trap?

*Adena and (look closely!) Earu shake their heads.*

Adena: I'm lost, too.

*Everyone sighs.*

Adena: *cheerfully* But Earu will find a way out for us!

*Everyone brightens.*

Earu: *flutters around and bangs into a wall a few times*

*Everyone sighs.*

*Scene: The gang makes it out of the maze, runs into a Gate Guardian, and starts to freak.*

Mai: I can't think of anything that'll beat a monster that strong!

Joey: He could crush us in one attack!

Mai: Well, that's why they invented monsters to fight, doof... *stops suddenly, as the Gate Guardian disappears* What?!

Mokuba: *shrugs and resumes walking* Guess the programmers finally gave into the Industrial Illusion's threat of a lawsuit.

Episode 42