Multi-colored alphabet smoke came pouring into the sky from somewhere not far away, and Carrot took it upon himself to go and find the source. As he neared the source of the trail of letters in the sky, a dulcet voice became clear, singing the Alphabet Song to a new, eastern-sounding tune.
Pushing his way into the clearing, he saw... Tira sitting atop a huge mushroom, smoking from a hookah. Her cloak had turned blue, and so had her skin and her hair, and she had several extra sets of arms and legs coming out of the folds of her clothes.
Carrot leaned against the mushroom, and said, “Hey, Tira!”
“Who - R - U?” she asked, blowing corresponding smoke letters into his face with each word.
“Well, I think I’m Carrot, but I’m not sure,” he replied.
“Y?”
“Well, I’ve seen a lot of people I thought I knew as other people, so maybe I’m not quite who I thought either. I’m just really confused, ya know, Tira.”
“Recite!” she said in a short, clipped tone.
“Huh?” said Carrot.
“Recite,” Tira repeated expectantly.
“Uh...”
“Oh, forget it, you obviously don’t know anything.” Tira cleared her throat. “How does the dominatrix - me - improve her shining whip? And punish bad guys well, you see, with a whip that’ll really whale. How cheerfully she seems to laugh, and what an evil grin, and she whips poor Carrot back into shape, as Rei Omishi draws...”
“Man, I never learned that one...” muttered Carrot.
“I know, I improved it,” she replied smugly.
“Well, if ya ask me,” Carrot began.
“But who - R - U?” Tira the bug asked.
“Well, I *don’t* know!” Carrot retorted. “I’ve been so many sizes today, I just don’t -”
“What is wrong with being different sizes?” asked the Tirapillar angrily. “I happen to get taller in my transformation sequence!”
“Eep! Nothing, Miss Tira.”
“Nothing, indeed!” Tira shouted. Suddenly, she began to turn a very odd red colour and Carrot got worried about what she might do. Everything about her was red, as she whipped off cloak. Her corset had turned red, as had her skin and hair, and she had lost the extra arms and legs. She had also sprouted huge red butterfly wings.
As the Tirafly flitted off into the sky, she called down, “Oh, and Carrot, one more little bit of advice... One side will make your larger, and the other side will make you bigger!”
“One side of what?” Carrot yelled back.
Tira sailed back towards him, whip outstretched, and gave him a little taste of it’s edge, shouting, “*The MUSHROOM, you baka!*”
“Well, OK, then,” said Carrot sulkily, who was bruised by her outburst. He broke off two sides of mushroom. “Well, here goes, it can’t hurt me any worse than I already have been hurt.” He bit into one side of the mushroom, and groaned as he felt himself begin to get much, much bigger.
His head banged into a tree limb high up in a tree.
“SERPENT!” shrieked a burly-looking bird in a pink nightcap and spectacles, who had a very masculine voice.
“DAD?” Carrot shouted in horror.
“Son! You’ve become a serpent!”
“No, Dad, I’m not a serpent. What are you talking about?”
“Well, you eat eggs don’t you!” said his feathered father indignantly.
“Well, yeah, but not -”
“SERPENT!!!” The burly bird gathered up his eggs and thwacked Carrot over the head.
“Dammit, ow!”
“Don’t swear like that in from of the babies!” yelled Onion.
Crossly, Carrot ate a bit of the other piece of mushroom. He shrunk back down to his two-inch size.
“OK, this is the last time I’m trying this.” He stuck is hand out high above his head and licked the get-bigger mushroom piece.
He felt just about the right size when he stopped growing, and, heaving a sigh of relief, plopped the two pieces of mushroom in his pocket. “Just in case I ever happen to need a super-big...”
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