Mystery Science Theater 10,000" (Season 2) Episode 6: The Machine By: ??? (A Urusei Yatsura Lemon) MSTED by Trachtemis This story is a work of fiction and was made by ???. Any connections with real people is strickly coincidence. This is for entertainment only. Mystery Science Theater 3,000 is copyrighted and property of Best Brains, INC. Project A-ko belongs not to me. Legend of Lemnear is also not mine and Satoshi Urushihara owns it. Sailor Moon is also not mine. Jamie is Myasuki Masaki's. Slayers is not mine. It is owned Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kodakawa Publishing....or so it says on my TV box. Pokemon Is not mine but it is kick ass. Kitty Love and it belongs to ??? and they can keep it. I don't mean to offend them. If I did, I would be saying a lot more. Begin theme song ( Sung to the MST3K song) __________________________________________________________________________ In the FAR and distant future Jurusei Empire A.D. Was a girl named P.J. (Jamie: Jamie!) Very different from you and me. (Jamie: Damn right!) She spent all day draining energy For the negaverse! Then a genius name Washu and her kid Ryoko Screwed up and teleported her into space! Jamie: You incompetent idiot! Washu: We'll send her cheesy fanfics. The worst that we can find! (la-la-la) She'll have to read and watch them Until she blows her mind! (la-la-la) Now keep in mind she can't control When the fanfics begin or end. (la-la-la) She'll try to keep the remainder of her sanity With the help of her "friends"! -Zweeeeoooo- ANIME ROLL CALL Lemnear: (umm, how come Jamie and I are the only ones remaining from the first season????) James! (Jesse?) Amelia! (This is very unjust!) A-ko! (I was on a walk and.......) If you're wonder how she stays alive through all these cheesy fics! Just keep in mind that its an MST And that you should just relax for Mystery Science Theater 10,000!!!!!!!! _________________________________________________________________________ (Inside Jamie's personal shower, Jamie lathers her stomach with all sorts of different body washes. A couple horrid notes sprout from her throat as the water splashes against the shower stall. Somewhere on the third level of C.U.T.I.E.S. Amelia is rabidly beating the right button of her mouse.) Lemnear: I will vanquish evi... NO NO.. ( a paladin runs around in circles, rabidly dodging Diablo's strikes. Suddenly his arm bitch slaps the paladin. "You Have Died Press ESC To Continue Death Takes Its Toll of 10000 Gold") (Amelia's mouth drops and with a scream, she drops her head on the keyboard.) Amelia: No way.. and I forgot to make a town portal too.... (Suddenly the ships lights turn a dull red and a new type of Klaxxons began to blair. Amelia looks around confused.) (The computer begins to smoke and explodes.) Amelia: AHHHHH (The water suddenly turns off as the lights turn red. Jamie growls and blindly grabs her towel that hangs outside the shower. She wipes the soap from her eyes and steps out, quickly wrapping herself up.) (A scream echoes throughout the ship. Lemnear jumps to her feet and begins to run towards the bathroom. On the way, James, A-ko, and Amelia catch up with her.) A-ko: What's going on? Amelia: Dunno but the computer died.... Lemnear: Shit, Jamie's in alot of trouble (screams get louder) (They get to the bathroom and throw open the door just to see a little red portal close behind a huge red creature that resembles a lizard. Jamie stands before him, clutching her towel to her chest.) Amelia:.. hey wasn't I just fighting him... James: Diablo? A-ko: isn't that a car.... he doesn't look like a car... Diablo: (pissed) COWER BEFORE ME. Amelia: ..I must vanquish evil.. but.. he'll kill me (Hides behind Lemnear) (Jamie stares at Diablo with large green eyes) Jamie: You bastard. You've been spying on me. You're a perverted big red salamander. (At this Diablo casts a big red flaming lightning spell into the wall.) Diablo: Do you not know me, innocent mortal. I am Diablo, Lord of terror. One of the three prime evils.... Jamie: I don't care who the hell you are; what the hell are you doing in my bathroom. Diablo: I have come to.. to.. (stops and thinks) I am Diablo, Lord of terror... Jamie: GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM!!! (starts to walk out the bathroom, hanging his head) Diablo: Noones ever yelled at me before... (As everyone else jumps out of the way to let Diablo leave, Jamie slams the door and continues to dry off) (Diablo looks at the other members of the ship) Diablo: I am Diablo, Lord of... James: nope.. not as scary Washu with a lemon... Diablo: But.. but.. I have come to take over your world! Lemnear: um.. we live on a spaceship... millions of miles away from worlds. (begins to tie up a very upset Amelia who is screaming that she must vanquish the evil Diablo) James: no more Diablo 2 for the hero worshipper. Diablo:.... spaceship... (demonically) Then I have come to take over this spaceship. (throws his arms in the air and laughs) A-ko: um.. can he beat Washu? (diablo stops laughing and listens intently, but pretending like he's not listening) Lemnear: I dunno.. I think Washu was a level 89 Sorceress... (Diablo quivers in fear.) Diablo: Dammit, I'm only from Normal mode.... (the loudspeaker comes on) Washu: Good afternoon, Lord of terror. Diablo: finally someone who knows me!! Washu: Of course I know you. I've beaten you 240945990 times this year! Diablo: oh.. why does everyone always try to kill me! Amelia: BECAUSE YOUR EVIL!!! Diablo: is that a good reason to kill me? It's my job! A family business in actuallity. (Amelia breaks free from her bonds and lunges at Diablo. Diablo casually bitch slaps her just as he did her paladin. Amelia is down for the count) Diablo: SEE! They always try to kill me.. they just don't understand. Washu: Um... Never mind. (Urd comes on screen and takes Amelia to her room) You have found yourself a new home I see due to my (duh duh duh) Mass spectrometer!!! Lemnear: you know.. (pats diablo on the shoulder) this is hell... Diablo: Where's the fire and brimstone and tortured souls? A-ko: I don't know about fire and brimstone but if you're looking for tortured souls, then you have definately found them. Washu: Hardie Har Har. I've come with a Lemon for you today... (Everyone but Diablo groans. As Diablo starts to wander around, Jamie walks in.) Jamie: What's Mr. Jolly Red Giant doing here? James: Washu... she has a lemon... (groans) Washu: Well I think Diablo will enjoy watching you suffer... It's a pleasant little lemon featuring the cast of Urusei Yatsura.. Enjoy! (The lights brighten and turn yellow as the familiar Klaxxons blair. Everyone, excluding Diablo, heads through the doors into the theater. Diablo smiles evilly and walks away from the doors) -------------------------------- Meanwhile.... Three paladins stand before the portal to hell. A sign is hung over the the portal reading "Under new management. Order the expansion". -------------------------------- (Everyone sits in their usual seats as Sasammi fires up the fanfic.) > The Machine Lemnear: Oh.. what a creative title.. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ James (as surfer dude): Hey.. dig the waves man.. >I apologize for this fic. Jamie: oh man this doesn't look... >This is a bit dark and sick. A-ko: What a horrible way to start something.. >If you get too pissed off and >don't want to continue reading then skip to the bottom for and >explanation of why I wrote >this. Thanx James: I have a crazy feeling this fic came with Diablo. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Lum and Ataru were sitting on the beach. James: HEY! They were waves.. dig it! (Jamie sits back into her seat and shakes her head) A-ko: Why would anyone call a Lemon "the Machine" It doesn't give you any clues on what you are up against. >Lum was waering her usual tiger striped bikini Lemnear: Not like she wears much else. >and Ataru was wearing boxers. Jamie: um... Do guys usually wear nothing but boxers when they go to the beach.. i thought they wore swim trunks or something.. >"I'm getting thirsty, you want anything?" Ataru said. >"No thats ok dahling." Lum said. Ataru ran off. > 2 men came and sat next to Lum when they saw Ataru was gone. Jamie: What is this guy.. from the fourth grade? James: Hey it may be a girl! Lemnear: or a demon... >"Hey sexy." one of them said. "can you help us? it'll only take a >second." Jamie: that's when Lum zaps the hell out of the perverts for calling her sexy and declares her love for Ataru. Lemnear: no no, they author has to be an ass and has to go out of character. >Lum looked at the line were Ataru was standing and figured that she >would be waiting >a while. Jamie: (picks up a pad of paper) Wow he's failing grammer already on this one... Lemnear: Oh no.. not a rape fic.. (grabs her sword hilt angrily) James: You actually grade lemons.... Jamie: Well yeah.. gotta do something with them. >"Sure what for?" Jamie: hmm.. i wonder.. James: DON"T GO!!! (hugs Lemnear's arm in fright) Lemnear: AH! Let go pervert boy. (tries to shake him off) >"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...........My....girlfriend. She just split with me and >I want to make her >jealous." Jamie: Sure.... Lemnear: Righhtt... and I'm the toothfairy. >Lum hesitated a bit then decided to go along with them. Jamie: OH GIVE ME A BREAK!!! A-ko: She's not that stupid. Lemnear: oh but the author thinks so... James: (clings tighter) >The two men led her to an empty part of the beach. Jamie: grrrr... >"There she is, Over there." >Lum looked and walked forward a bit to try to see what girl they were >talking about. Jamie: what girl? Lemnear: That girl! (the four begin to sing the theme song to the show "That Girl") >"I don't see any..........." >The next thing she knew she was being carried off and thrown into a van. A-ko: Hmm.. right... right after the guys were electrified... James: Yeah right after they used their incredibly good lucks to surprise her, turning off her alien powers.. Jamie: have they ever seen and episode to Urusei Yatsura.. SO far there have been on girl chases, no electricity.. nothing Urusei Yatsurish.. >A blind fold was put over her eye. A-ko: just one? >"Whats going on!" she screamed. Jamie: Well besides the obvious... Lemnear: Well the sun is shining, the earth is spinning, and oh look, you're about to be raped... >She couldn't see James: um so when did Lum become a cyclops again? A-ko: Probably around the same time Ataru lost his pervertedness and became helpful. >so she threw out a few bolts shocking the two men unconcious. Jamie: About time... >Lum felt for a handle to get out but it was completely sealed. Lemnear: If her hands are free, why doesn't she just remove the blindfold and just find the door handle? Jamie: Because this is a dumb lum.. James: hey it rhymes... >The door opened and a husky man with a deep voice grabbed her and threw >her up against a wall. A-ko: ah so that's why she didn't take off the blindfold.. Lemnear: exactly.. because if she did, the author would be fucked out of all ideas.. Jamie: language my dear Lemnear.. (her arms turn red) why swear when we can just maim him horribly... James: I have a really bad feeling about this.. >She felt her hands and feet shackled. James: WHY ISN"T SHE FIGHTING?? Isn't metal a great conductor for electricity. Jamie: Why he's using plastic, the fisherprice ones to go with this authors grammer.. A-ko: This is so out of character.. Lemnear: But aren't all lemons we get? >Lum tried to fly but it was far too heavy for her. >The man started to laugh. A-ko: (Diablo) I am Diablo, Lord of terror!!! James: no you aren't... (Diablo watches from outside.) Diablo: Hey she's mocking me! >"Your pathetic. Well I guess you want to know whats going on right? Everyone: No >We are human look-alikes called the CSS. An army of rebels who have >been fighting >the Oni. And we need answers." Jamie:.. maybe it's not a rape fic... Lemnear: maybe it's worse... James: AHHHHHHHHHH torture fic... (Washu: See.. by torturing them with this, there is less blood to clean up.. Diablo: interesting... but I like blood) >As he said that he pulled Lum's Bikini bottom just below er knees >exposing her >tender,shaved cunt. Jamie: he said the c-word! Lemnear: ah hide now... (Everyone hides behind the seats as Jamie begins to blast fireballs at the screen. They do nothing.) >Then he tore of her top and her breasts swung free. James: knocking out the big leader guy and killing the author... Lemnear: don't we wish... >Lum felt the cool air and knew what was going to happen. Jamie (Regis): What is going to happen to Lum. Answer A: She will be raped. Answer B: George Bush will be assasinated. Answer C: She will go postal and kill everyone. Answer D: My show is responsible for the rise of Hitler. Lemnear: um.. both B and C are so tempting.. Can I do a fifty fifty? Jamie: Yes.. Only B and D have been left uneliminated. Lemnear: I'll go with D. Jamie: Is that you're final answer? Lemnear: yes Jamie: You're wrong.. it was none of the above. Diablo is actually responsible for all this. Regis is only one of his minions. (Diablo: ah.. my show is doing well...) >He traced his hand along her right >leg then moving up and dipping his fingers in her. James: How is this gonna get him any information? >He traced her lubrication over her >breasts. Jamie: What is she, vasaline? >Lum wondered why this had to be her Jamie: Because the author is a sick fuck. Lemnear: Didn't you say no ... Jamie: I changed my mind.. no kids will read this anyways... >and began to shock the people there. They all almost >died except the leader. A-ko: Well doesn't that just work wonderfully for the author James: I'm so confused.. what's gonna happen? Lemnear: Do you actually want to know... >He Laughed again and said. Lemnear: (makes random zergling noises) A-ko: I have come to suck your blood... Jamie: I'm sorry.. you're the wrong Oni Princess.. i'm actually gonna do this to Oni. >"We all knew you would resist in someway Jamie: well duh wouldn't anyone? >thats why we made something special for you." James: OOH a present.. Lemnear: probably not a fun one. >He stuck a metal pipe with many wires as far back in her love tunnel as >it could go. Jamie: WHAT?!?!?! Lemnear: Isn't a Love tunnel suppose to be .. i dunno.. an amusement ride? James: what a loving word to use with such a horrible thing.. >He looped a wire around her clit and stuck two clamps on her nipples. A-ko: oh this sob is gonna die.. >Then Lum heard a >vibration sound. Jamie: is there.. really.. a vibration sound? >Soft bolts of electricity started. James: a soft bolt of electricity? Lemnear: isn't that an oxi-moron? Jamie: no that's the author. >Her nipples hardened and she became very >wet. A-ko: someone get her a towel... >Then the voltage lowered and strong vibrations kicked in. >Lum screamed."What are you doing to me?!" Jamie: A little of this a little of that... Lemnear: again.. isn't it obvious? >"We must wear down your resistance and this is the best way." >She started to cum. James: Wow.. what a way to wear down a resistance.. Jamie: yeah just like to wear down Nakago, you have to have sex with him and focus your chi.. idiots... >Her juices flowed over the wires and she began to scream. A-ko: um why? Lemnear: she had an orgasm.. they don't hurt. Jamie: it's the whole torture thing.. >The man saw this and turned it up. Lemnear: Great idea! James: with this machine here, we can make a waffle in five seconds.. it slices it dices.. it can make a girl have an orgasm.. >The vibrations got stronger and she forcefully came. A-ko: Can you forcefully cum? Jamie: I DON'T KNOW! This author is an idiot! >Lum was surprised that the wires were not falling off. Lemnear: so aren't we.. Jamie: Why would they? >Soon she couldn't even scream she was so weak. The man turned it up all >the way to drive >her to her last series of orgasms. Jamie: The orgasm Machine. James: gotta get one of those! Everyone but James: pervert... >Her nipples began to spray and then she hung there. A-ko: Spray what? She isn't pregnant! Jamie: um.. when was she elevated? she was just shackled.. never elevated.. >He unfastened the shackles. Lum almost fell over for the many orgasms >she had left her very >weak. Jamie (Diablo): Hmm.. she didn't but many points into Vitality did she. >The man carried her to a room. James: in the van? Lemnear: nice van... >Inside the room was a hard bed Jamie: who would want a hard bed? A-ko: Well Norman on Mighty Max slept in a stone bed. >and a weird device >at the end of it. He tied her to the bed slide the device into her love >tunnel and then left. Jamie: nice use of that word once again. James: OOH as bed slide!! kewl... Lemnear: I think he missed a comma > > >Back at the beach Ataru came back with 2 sodas. He looked around for Lum >and could not find her. A-ko: Wow..sodas take a long time to get. >He thought that she was in the bathroom and would turn up sooner or >later. Ataru then went into the >water and body surfed a few times. Lemnear (Ataru): Ahh Jaws! > >A skinny nerdy type person came into the room were Lum was. Jamie: It's one of Mendo's henchment. A-ko: hey it can't be a nerd.. i don't hear any wOOts and he isn't running in fear from a girl either.. >He asked Jamie: Do you have a pocket protector? A-ko: has starcraft two come out yet? James: How do you beat the third level of half-life? Lemnear: Why can't I fight Diablo? It says he isn't there. >"What is this new weapon we have herd about and does it exist?" Jamie: a herd of weapons. >"I don't know" >The device slowly pumped inside Lum. James: hey if I was a girl, I'd keep lying. (Lemnear belts James over the head with her sword. Use to this he just sits dazed) >"I wouldn't say that again." The nerd said. >With the machine slowly pumping her asked. A-ko: the machine can talk and pump her at the same time.. wow... >"How many war materials do the Oni have and were is it located? James: Up your ass and around the corner. >Lum thought for a second. Should she betray her father and her people or >save her own life. Everyone: YES! >"I don't know anything." >The device got faster and faster with every question she refused. Jamie: I think James was on the right idea. Lemnear (Lum): Wow.. can I take this home with me.. who needs Ataru! >For the final question the device was going to fast for her to >concentrate. Her cum was all >over the floor. Lemnear: um.. is that possible? >The nerd gave up and left to talk with the leader. A-ko (nerd): She just wouldn't tell me how to get to the secret level of Mario brothers two.. >"Her resistance is still too strong sir. what should we do now?" Lemnear: LET HER GO! Jamie: sounds like a great idea. >"I have an idea." the leader said. A-ko (leader): I'll make myself a screw driver. >Moments later a doctor type person entered the room carrying a case of >some type. Lemnear: Ooh lets play doctor. Jamie (medic): tell me where it hurts. >"Now then.... you better answer these questions or this will happen to >you." A-ko: You'll win this brand new car! >He opened the case to reveal a long metal shaft with half inch spikes on >it. Lemnear (lum): right... it's in ataru's bedroom. >Lum began to sweat and tears came to her eyes. She wanted Ataru to save >her somehow. James: but he got eaten by Jaws.. A-ko: right.. like that'll happen. >The doctor positioned the spikes right next to her cunt (Everyone again jumps behind the seats as Jamie casts six more fireballs and then passes out) James: oh great, that's great.. we lost her. >and the nerd asked the questions (begin to ask more question that have to do with video games) >again. > > >Ataru was getting worried. A-ko: oh really? then why isn't he looking for her? >It had been 25 minuets. (Diablo: Damn.. she really didn't put much points into vitality) >He ran up and down the beach asking >people if they saw a female with green hair and horns. The people looked >a bit surprised' >that there was a green haired female running around. Lemnear: let alone one with horns... A-ko: um. actually they are very common in anime japan. >Ataru then spotted foot prints at the empty spot on the beach. >He followed the sand tracks all over the road. James: well then.. i guess they are moving.. Lemnear: isn't this what Ataru has always wanted? > > > >Lum refused that question. A-ko: what question? James: are.. you.. an alien! >She didn't want to betray her father. >The spikes began to tear at her. She screamed in pain and prayed that it >wasn't doing >anything permanent to her love tunnel. Lemnear: I really don't think that's what she's praying.. James: um maybe she'd be praying for um.. release? >She began to bleed heavily and still refused to >answer. The doctor couldn't stand hurting such a beautiful creature and >ran from the room. James: well at least he's not that horrible... >Lum then heard a gunshot. Everyone: ..... > > > >Ataru followed the sand tracks until he came to an old abandoned factory. Lemnear: well isn't that convenient. James: when did they move her out of the van. >He peered through the windows until he saw Lum tied down to a bed with >her cunt bleeding. (All look at Jamie who is still T-koed.) >He immediatley felt severe anger and rage to kill anyone who did this to >her. Lemnear: wouldn't anyone? (Jamie begins to stir.) Jamie: ow... James: You ok? >He tapped on the window and Lum looked over and almost jumped to see >Ataru there. Jamie: Hunny, I'm home! >He said that he would be right back and ran off. Lum paralized with fear >as the door opened. Lemnear: how can she hear that? A-ko: lip reading? >A different doctor came in and said something about not cooperating. He >than took out a needle >and thread and sued her cunt shut except for a small opening. Lemnear: wow.. not even los angeles court would accept that. James: try explaining that to a lawyer. Jamie: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS AUTHOR!?!?! (Gets ready for the killing) (Diablo: this guy is worse than me.. must eliminate the threat) >He took out a pistol and pushed the barrel into the small opening. Her >juices spread all >over the barrel and she began to cry. A-ko: she just started too.. Lemnear: I'm gonna kill him... James: this is horrible.. >Just then a bullet pierced the window and hit the doctor right in the >head. All: Head shot! >Ataru jumped through the window and took the gun out of Lum and undid the >sueing on her cunt. Jamie: THEY USED THE WORD.. Lemnear: calm down... James: They're sueing the c-word again! >Lum was too happy to say anything. He unfastened Lum from the bed and >picked her up. James: at least it's a sort of happy ending... Lemnear: it better be! >He looked at her bleeding love tunnel A-ko: Do they know any other words besides the c-word and love tunnel? >and ran her to a hospital. >Ataru ran back to the factory and killed ever last CSS. He looked at the >machine >which sedated Lum and smashed it. James: Hmm..ever last CSS? Lemnear: a new band? >Lums recovery was quite rapid and did no severe internal damage. (All blandly) YAY >Ataru took her home from >the hospital and carried her to his house. He laid her down on the bed. >"I love you Lum." Ataru said. Jamie: well.. that's way out of character. James: maybe not.. >"I love you too dahling." Lum said. >Ataru gently pulled down her pants and started licking her. ALL: WHAT THE?! >Lum moaned loudly as she cam in his face several times. Jamie: no stamina at all.. A-ko: cam? Lemnear: wow that was just like the cowboy riding into the sunset only to be smashed by a meteor... > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (All try to jump into the waves and try to drown themselves. Instead they hit the screen) All: ow... >Sorry if this was very sick. All: it was. (Diablo: no you aren't..) >My friends and I were getting tired of pics showing Lum or other >anime girls getting raped, screwed etc. A-ko: then why were you looking for them? Lemnear: a very just cause with a very unjust vengence. Jamie: that's why I'm not a real anime character.. You guys have it hard. >We decided that the only way for people to do something >about it was to get them horrified. This actually might have been tame >compared to other fics. All: true... >My email is meetthehater@hotmail.com If you have Mail or hatemail about >this then please write. Jamie: ready the nukes! >If i don't get anymail i would assume that this didn't work and make one >several times >worse! again sorry. All: AHHH NOOOOOOO! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ James: enough with the waves. .i'm waterlogged.. (All jump up and run) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (As they exit, they find that the entire ship is decorated with dead bodies with items stashed somewhere in them. ) Jamie: ooh.. love the decorating! Lemnear: this is pleasant compared to that fic... (Diablo begins to cry) Diablo: a mad scientist is a worse threat than me.. i'm washed up..there's nothing left... i can't even beat an amazon. (Nearby Shampoo sits on a table.) Shampoo: You kidnap Shampoo. Diablo: it was a test! Shampoo: You steal Shampoo from Ranma! (lifts up magically imbugued marakkas and chases Diablo) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Too many video games for Jamie result in this. (shakes head) Anime Millenium Http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/animemillenium happyheatdragonscrazyangel@hotmail.com Stinger: "Then Lum heard a vibration sound."