Betcha never saw it coming...
By Kaycee Ronin and Adriana Khushrenada
Warning!!! This fic WILL contain mass insanity!!! It can’t be helped. These stories contain yaoi, Relena-bashing, and pointless attempts at humor. Please pretend they’re funny for the sake of the authors’ self-esteems. But really, these are just to give you a good laugh and possibly make whatever you’re drinking come out your nose. One last note: We don’t own Gundam Wing...or anything else.
Story 1: “What the Rock is Really Cooking”
Quatre is in a store shopping when he passes a stand where The Rock (property of the W.W.F.) is selling Smacketh Down Pancakes (property of Kaycee Ronin ^_^) The Rock notices our adorable little blond subject and decides to advertise.
ROCK: Hey kid, do you like pancakes?
QUATRE: Pancakes? Why yes I--
ROCK: It doesn’t matter whether you like pancakes or not you little Jabroni, ‘cuz what the rock is gonna do is--
Quatre starts to cry and runs away, terrified.
ROCK: I was only gonna tell him to buy the pancakes or I’d turn ‘em sideways and stick ‘em up his roody pooh, candy--
Quatre runs out of the store crying...without his pancakes.
Story 2: “The New Attack...YAOI!”
Heero and Duo are in a battle which they seem to be loosing, considering they are terribly outnumbered. Feeling they are going to die, Duo emotionally speaks up.
DUO: H-Hee-chan...before we die...I wanted to tell you...
HEERO: I know Duo...
DUO: Ai shiteru Heero.
HEERO: I love you too Duo...I--
Suddenly, the OZ soldiers who are attacking them begin to complain and make disgusted noises.
SOLDIER 1: Aw that’s disgusting! Must you two do that?!
SOLDIER 2: Yeah! That’s gross!
DUO: Huh?
SOLDIER 1: We’re going to leave if you keep this up!
The two pilots look at each other from behind the controls of their Gundams and both of them smirk.
HEERO: Stop playing Duo. Get over here and kiss me.
DUO: ::laughing:: But Hee-chan, we’re not even married yet!
SOLDIER 2: That’s it!
Soldier 2 and his mobile suit leave as Duo and Heero continue to make kissing sounds. Soldier 1 listens for several moments, then shudders and leaves.
DUO: Well...that was different.
HEERO: Yep...
DUO: We should try it again some time...
Story 3: “What You DIDN’T See Last Time!” (Please read story #4 in Slap Happy 2 first ^_^)
Zechs has his hair pulled into a pair of pony tails and he’s wearing a very tight and girlish-looking pink outfit. He flips on a CD player near his bed and stands in front of a mirror, waiting for the music to start. When it does, he begins dancing and singing very loudly and very, very badly.
ZECHS: (singing) I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy, thinking of you...Made a mistake when I--
The door suddenly opens and Noin and Relena enter the room.
RELENA: Brother?
NOIN: Zechs, what are you doing?
Immediately Zechs stops and looks at the two of them, trying to preserve what is left of his dignity. He quickly glances at the clothes he is wearing, then looks back at the women.
ZECHS: I’m testing the newest pilot suit.
RELENA: But...isn’t that my outfit? And you were singing boy band music.
ZECHS: (shrugs) We’re trying many new different approaches since the Gundam boys started using that damn yaoi attack. It scares the soldiers away. They must be made stronger!
NOIN: (eyes turn chibi) What a great idea Zechs!
RELENA: Heero’s gay?
Story 4: “Shark Attack”
Duo and Heero have gone surfing for the day. After catching a big wave, Duo notices a large gray shape following them.
DUO: Um...Heero...
HEERO: What?
DUO: There’s...something following us and I don’t think it’s supposed to.
HEERO: What?
Heero turns slightly and notices the strange shape.
HEERO: It’s a shark...Judging from the way it’s following us, I’d say it’s starving...It’ll eat just about anything.
Duo franticly looks about and notices Relena sitting on the beach alone.
DUO: Will it eat her?
HEERO: Only one way to find out.
When our two pilots return to shore, they offer to take Relena out to teach her how to surf. But “accidentally,” she falls off Duo’s surfboard after catching the wave and well...little Relena pieces were found around the beach for the next several days.
Story 5: “Psycho-Quatre Orders a Pizza”
After working twenty straight hours on building Wing Zero, a slightly, okay...majorly demented Quatre decides he needs a break and he picks up the phone and dials the number of a pizza place.
QUATRE: (hysterical laughing)
PIZZA GUY: Thank you for choosing Neko-Bennie’s Pizza (property of Kaycee Ronin ^_^) Can I have your phone number?
QUATRE: (hysterical laughing) Die, die, die, diedie, die, die...(laughs more)
PIZZA GUY: Um...What can I get for you sir?
QUATRE: (hysterical laughing)
PIZZA GUY: Sir?
QUATRE: (hysterical laughing) Heeheehee....Pizza stupid...heehee...Why do you think I called you?
PIZZA GUY: Umm...
QUATRE: ARE YOU DISAGREEING WITH ME?!!
PIZZA GUY: N-no sir!
QUATRE: Good!
The laughing stops and Quatre sounds innocent again.
QUATRE: Because if you did...(hysterical laughter returns) I would have to kill you! Bwa ha ha ha ha!
The pizza man slams down the phone and runs, terror-stricken, from the sound of the psychotic Gundam pilot.
Story 6: “What Heero’s Really Afraid Of”
Heero is sitting at his desk, typing away at his laptop and Duo is reading a comic book. The two of them hear a soft squeaking sound and they quickly glance at each other, shrug, and turn back to their task at hand. After just moments of silence, the sound is heard again and Heero looks up in annoyance.
HEERO: Duo, what are you doing?
DUO: It isn’t me.
There is a long pause then the noise is heard again.
HEERO: Duo...
DUO: I’m not doing anything!
HEERO: Then what is that noise?!
Duo listens for a moment and then promptly smiles at Heero.
DUO: Sounds like a mouse to me.
Heero’s eyes go wide with fear.
HEERO: A...A mouse?! Where?!
He hops up on his chair and franticly looks around. Upon seeing a small gray furball emerge from the corner, Heero shrieks like a girl.
HEERO: Eeeeeek! Get it away! Kill it! Kill it! Duo, kill it!
Duo sighs and gets up. He casually picks the mouse up by the tail, walks outside with it, puts the furry critter on the grass, and watches it scamper away. He walks back into the room and notices Heero still cowering on his chair.
DUO: Some Perfect Soldier.
Story 7: “The Real Sleeping Beauty” (a.k.a. Kaycee’s Apology to Relena)
Heero has just gotten the role of the prince in the play Sleeping Beauty, and Duo and Relena both badly want the part. They happen to be trying out at the same time and are both wearing the exact same dress.
DUO: (angry) What the hell are you doing here?!
RELENA: (just as angry) Me?! What are you doing here?! And why are you wearing a dress?
DUO: I’m trying out to be Sleeping Beauty so I can be with Hee-chan in the play.
RELENA: That’s not fair! I’m trying out to be Sleeping Beauty! I wanna be with Heero!
DUO: You haven’t got a chance ojou-san!
RELENA: Oh yeah? Well at least I’m not cross-dressing to get the part I want!
The two growl at each other until the director yells to them to start saying their lines. Neither one does well, considering they’re constantly trying to mess each other up. The contest ends up in a brawl, with Duo and Relena ending up knocking each other out. The director shakes his head and calls Heero back onto the stage. The Japanese boy notices the unconscious pair nearby.
DIRECTOR: I’ve decided who will play Sleeping Beauty, Mr. Yuy. Unfortunately, it’s neither of the two trying to do an impression there. The part of Sleeping Beauty will be played by--
Heero’s face pales as a tall blond haired girl walks onto the stage.
DIRECTOR: Dorothy Catalonia!
Duo and Relena wake up in time to hear the director’s announcement and they look at each other in shock. Dorothy is bowing and thanking an invisible audience as Duo and Relena get up and walk to the door.
DUO: This sucks.
RELENA: (sobbing) Yeah, now Dorothy’s gonna get Hee-chan! Waaaah!
DUO: (sighs) Wanna go get a cheeseburger?
RELENA: Okay!
The pair walks outside and as soon as Relena goes to cross the street, she’s run down by a truck. Duo laughs uncontrollably.
Author’s note: Just kidding about that Relena apology...
Story 8: “Duo’s...Stranger Relatives”
Our favorite Braided Baka is trying to put a rubber band at the end of his braid when suddenly it snaps and his hair comes completely loose. Franticly, Duo tries to re-braid it, but he doesn’t have another rubber band. After cussing for a while, he decides to go to the store to get new rubber bands. Now you must understand, without a rubber band to restrain it, Duo’s hair goes everywhere, uncontrolled. A good deal of it hangs in front of his face. As he enters a store, he hears a strange voice.
VOICE: Miimiii mi...
DUO: What the hell?
Duo turns around and is shocked to see Cousin It (Property of the Adams Family) The strange critter notices the long haired boy and runs toward him, making the strange, nearly unintelligible noises.
COUSIN IT: Miimiimiimii miii mi!
DUO: Related? What the hell are you talking about?
COUSIN IT: Mi mii mi miimii.
DUO: No I’m not related to you! I’m just having a bad hair day! My rubber band just--
Duo pauses as he sees a familiar girl walk past the store. It’s Relena. He looks at Cousin It and points.
DUO: There, see her? She’s related to you. She told me. She cut her hair because she was embarrassed. Disgraceful, isn’t it? Why dontcha go get her?
COUSIN IT: Mi!
The furious and furry Adam’s Family member runs out the door and chases a panicked Relena down the street.
Story 9: Actually this isn’t a story...it’s a very cute yaoi joke my buddies Maggie and Chloe made up at dance camp.
Q: What do you get when you cross Quatre playing the violin with Trowa playing the flute?
A: A very gay DUO!
Hee hee hee...get it?
