Applause"Hello! And welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! I’m your host… Jerry Springer! Today’s subject is Heartfelt Confessions." The audience applauds, "we have some guest here today that have some confessions to make to there close friends or relatives. Well audience should we bring out our first guest?"
The audience roars with agreement and the first guest appears on the stage.
"Audience I’d like you to meet Duo Maxwell!" Jerry introduces. Duo strolls from the door at stage right to a comfy looking chair center stage. He’s clad in his normal catholic garb with his floppy black hat and a wad of gum in his mouth. He slouches down into the chair, casually observing his surroundings. He sizes up the bouncer seated in a metal folding chair near where the host was standing.
"Well Duo now your here to tell someone very special to you just how much you care about them, right?" Jerry reads off of one the blue note cards he’s holding in his free hand.
"Um no. I’m just here for the food." Duo simply stated as he continued to chomp on his gum.
Jerry looked suprised "Duo there is no food on this show. This is a talk show."
"What! No food?!" Duo sat up in his chair. "Isn’t this that show with the chef guy that says BAAM! all the time?" The dark boy waved his arms in the air madly and one of the bouncers started to stand up. He pointed at the large man and threatened "and you, I’ll take you down, so you just better sit down."
The bouncer frowned and kept his narrow eyes on Duo but stayed put.
"Duo this is The Jerry Springer show. Didn’t you want to confess something to someone? That is what the topic of the show today is." Jerry looked at his guest wearily. And the audience started to roar with impatience.
"Does confessing my hunger count?" Duo asked
"Umm, no. Anyway lets bring out our next guest. Would everyone please welcome to the show Dr. Evil!" Jerry motioned to the door at stage left.
"Man, and I really wanted some chicken."
A stout man with a scared face and a silvery mad scientist type outfit emerged. He had his pinkie finger at the corner of his mouth and a naked, furless cat in the crook of one arm. He was a bald man yet he was wearing a silly black wig pulled back into a short pony tail. Duo raised an eyebrow at him as the doctor hobbled over to a chair near Duo. He sat down and began to stroke his ugly feline nervously.
"Welcome to the show Dr. Evil." Jerry Springer said to his new guest. "Now what confession do you have to make today?"
"Well, as you know Jerry I’m the most powerful mad scientist in the world." There was a strange pause before he continued. "And as the most powerful mad scientist in the world don’t you think I deserve a worthy assistant?"
There was another pause before Jerry Springer answered "Well, yes I suppose that’s fair." The audience began to mumble.
"SHOOSH!" Dr. Evil screamed into the audience. There will be no talking while I am talking. You don’t wanna SHOOSH with me. I got a whole bag of SHOOSH right here for you. WWW dot SHOOSH dot com dot org dot net dot html. Get the SHOOSH!" A hush fell over the audience.
"Well, as I was saying Jerry, Number Two and I got into a bit of a scuffle and I’m sorry to say he didn’t recover from the acid burns…um…well you know how these things go. So I am in need of a new assistant and I am here to confess to the one I deem worthy."
There was yet another strange pause before Jerry continued with the show.
"Alright lets bring out the one Dr. Evil deems worthy!" Jerry Springer motions toward stage right and Wufei Chang emerges. "Welcome Chang Wufei! Now Chang do you know why you're here?"
"Its Wufei." He said as he plopped into the chair next to Dr. Evil and crossed his arms.
"Pardon?" Jerry asked.
"My name is Wufei. Chang is my family name."
"But it says right here on the card your name is Chang."
"That’s my last name. My family name is written first."
"But its written right here on this card. Chang Wufei"
"Yes, but I’m Chinese and…"
"Are you calling me a liar Mr. Wufei?"
"NO, I’m correcting you Mr. Jerry!"
"That’s not my name!"
"Well Chang isn’t my name!"
"Are you trying to tell me the card is wrong?"
"NO, I’m saying CHANG is my LAST name!"
"You know my producers write these cards."
"YA SO!"
"Are you trying to tell me my producers are stupid?"
"NO NO NO! "
"Then what’s your point?!"
"Your saying my name wrong!"
"So your saying that I’m saying your name wrong?"
"YES!"
"Alright Chang, I’m glad that’s settled."
"MY NAME IS WUFEI!"
"But it says on the card its Chang."
"THATS MY L-A-S-T LAST NAME! MY FIRST NAME IS WUFEI"
"Now now Chang settle down."
"ARGGGG! Is there no JUSTICE in this world."Wufei jumped up from his chair and threw this hands in the air. Three jumpers surrounded him and sat him back down. By this time the audience was cheering him on.
"Unhand me you large beasts!" Wufei fought back but they already had him strapped down to the seat.
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…" The crowd chanted
"Ho Ha now wasen’t that silly. Lets move on shall we. Now Dr. Evil you were saying?"
"Yes Jerry, I have an excellent proposition here for Wufei. I would like him to join my evil empire and become my second in command. So Wufei how about it. Look I even wore this cool wig so we could look alike." Dr. Evil leaned towards the Chinese boy making pouting faces.
"I think not. That would not be justified." The boy answered.
"Well then Mr. Chang we shall then be forever enemies. Good bye my dear pilot." Dr. Evil pressed a button on the arm of his chair and it morphed into a giant Big Boy.
"Big Boy, Big Boy, Big Boy!" The audience chanted as the oversized resturant mascott blasted off into space"Alright then!" Jerry interrupted "Duo, do you have anything to say about this matter?" Jerry asked.
"Aww... I didn’t get to pet the kitty. Hey Wufei! You didn’t happen to bring any food with you did you?"
"No, sorry Duo I didn’t think It would have been justified." Wufei answered.
Suddenly the door at stage right swung open and none other then the Judge Judy came barreling out, black robe flowing.
"The honorable Judge Judy presiding everyone please stand." A voice commanded from nowhere. Everyone looked around perplexed but did as told. "Please be seated. Court is now in session."Judge Judy perched herself in a chair and called the audience to order. Jerry Springer just stared in awe.
"Did somebody call for Justice! Cuz I got it all right hear for ya." The judge commanded.
"Hey everybody lets give a warm welcome for our very own Judge Judy!" Jerry announced as the audience started to boo her off stage. "Well, Judy we don’t really have time to talk to you on out show today so you’ll have to leave."
"What! Nobody talks to the Judge that way! I’m in charge here!" she grumbled as two over sized men dragged her from her podium.
"That’s what she gets for trying to steal my air time…" Jerry hissed under his breath. "So folks are you ready for our next guest?!" he recovered.
"Next Guest, Next Guest, Next Guest…" the crowd chanted as a tall boy wearing an un-seasonal green turtleneck and tight light blue jeans accompanied by a smaller boy wearing tan Dockers, a freshly starched light pink button up shirt, and a gray vest were forced on stage.
"Folks, lets welcome Trowa Barton and Quatre Raberba Winner to the show!" Jerry greeted into his microphone.
"What’s going on? Why are we here!" Quatre shouted as he was forced into a chair next to Wufei.
"What’s the meaning of this?!" Trowa asked Jerry as he was forced in to the chair next to Duo.
Duo and Wufei looked confusingly at each other as shackles secured to their ankles and wrists forcing them to stay put.
"Its a revolution…ha ha ha" Jerry’s voice suddenly changed into a deeper softer voce. The four pilots were stunned as Jerry ripped off his Jerry mask and Treize Kushrenada stood before them. "Now my fair pilots we shall wait for the final actor to arrive."
"What!" Wufei screamed as he struggled in his shackles, "I already killed you Treize!"
"Yes, this costume does seem a little strange…" he said as his voice morphed into a monotone woman’s voice as he ripped of another close fitting mask to expose a true identity.
"Lady Une?!?" The pilots gasped in horror.
"But I thought you were a Preventer?!?" Quatre squeaked from his chair.
"I am living for Treize’s Ideal and I’m going to make sure you meddling pilots don’t get in my way again." She commanded as the audience ripped of their clothes to reveal an army of Oz soldiers. "Oz shall rise in power and rule the world under a new order!" She declared as her forces roared with approval behind her. She stood confident waiting to deliver the pilots final fate when she remembered there was something missing.
"Where is Heero!" she demanded as she pulled a fancy looking gun from her (er….rather Jerry’s) inside jacket pocket. She aimed the gun right between Duo’s eyes forcing his eyes cross ways as he gulped and stared down its barrel.
"How should I know!" he spat through nervously gritted teeth.
"I’m right here"
"What?!" Lady Une span around searching for the source of the omnipresent voice. Heero could be seen out of an air vent in the ceiling. He shot an historic looking artifact with a rope tied to it across the studio and slid down to stage level.
"Oh ya, and I brought some friends courtesy of Dr. Evil." Suddenly a mob of Femme-bots marched into the studio blocking every exit.
"Blast you Heero!" Une cursed as Heero grabbed her gun. Everyone was suprised to see him holding a long bull whip and wearing a silly brown hat.
"I borrowed some toys from Harrison Ford." He quipped as he lashed Lady Une into a tight coil. (Indiana Jones movie theme plays in the background and Duo asks "Anybody know where that music is coming from?)
Meanwhile the Oz soldiers were finding resistance was futile with the Femme-bots. Plus they were bullet proof and dead sexy. They were quickly seduced and dragged off.
Heero searched Une for the controls and soon had the other four pilots free.
"Nice work Heero." Duo praised "of course I wouldn’t expect anything less from a perfect soldier, but what’s with the hat?"
"I’ll ignore your mockery Maxwell." Heero snapped back at his carefree amigo.
"What are we going to do with the woman?" Wufei decisively asked
Heero seemed to have everything under control. He took off his Indiana Jones hat and plopped it onto Lady Une’s head. He glanced down at his watch just as Harrison Ford burst through the back doors.
"Right on time" Heero smirked.
"Hey Lady! Give me back my toys…er…movie props! Those are priceless artifacts you know!" The former Indiana Jones complained as he stomped onto the stage.
Our heroes quickly fled the scene and left Lady Une to suffer the wrath of Indiana…
but I thought they named the dog Indiana?
The End Back
