look: i liveyour dying curse: i live
more than they ever will, subjected as i am, caged in flesh
howling after you, as a wolf fallen in the sheep's pasture, their dead eyes
staring on
live: the only thing i would have begged you never to ask
LIVE.
i was dead when you fell.
and you, icarus, hand outstretched and scorched with their breath
you, wings aflame to your shoulder blades, your skin blackened and curled
they don't look kindly on angels here--
you, sunspotted, blistered, lifting up the scorpion that stings your palm
they mewled like kittens on your thousand graves, scratching at the dirt,
they knew you--
and you never knew when to let go
you got yours and i knelt screaming in the rain;
who were you trying to save when we both were lost?
you, mother, sister, love,
healer, savior, missionary
little girl playing at costumes
gone every time i turned around
what did they need from you that drew you, magnets
that i never whispered in the depth of some night?
don't call it jealousy, you would never understand, but why
why cast yourself over that edge, again and again,
fingers like cat-tails on my cheek, and always
always with that last hateful whisper:
Live.
what are they to you, the ones with your blood
on their stupid cattle hooves,
the ones who pulled away, fearing, when i cried your eternal name
what that you would go on leaving me, curse me, damn me
to forever and over and over of this?
i was never meant to save you;
they made me hate you as i love you
hate you for the leaving, for my living
for your love.
you, mary, mother of all i am
mother of god's favorite mistake
i touch the sick and they are dying,
wear the thorns like a helmet, blood of my punctured hands acid
i have never turned water to wine but i have made every river run red--
you, mary, holy one and i, all i can be
all you have made me, all they have made me
so why won't you make this stop?
II they don't look kindly on angels here but that i'm sure you know; how long waiting in your own shadow, slim blade poor defense for what needed guarding most see through you like glass, nothing at center to block the view should i ask, give voice to what i see tattooed inside: where were you, where, when i was lost? when she was taken, gone so many times? where was the wing that should have curled over my shoulder? no matter now; it evens out i fell through your fingers to this burning but yours were the empty hands how fitting for the one who tried to hold on and hold on will those hands raise against me now when i darken your sky? shall i be a hundred times betrayed? will they stretch out instead to my skin in healing? will you only let me fly bright eyes, so bright, dressed in mourning? don't talk to me of sin, old unfriend in that world you're no match for me would you know whom to ask forgiveness, should you kneel? bless me father for i have lost the lion has stood up from the lamb and i have forgotten how to close my eyes help him, won't you god, now that he has become everything you ever wanted in a son-- how long without even heaven's carrion comfort? and think carefully, guardian, failure, before you stop my leap: what is it you want for your time in wait? haven't you ever cast eyes to the void haven't you dreamed oblivion? i don't think we're so different but i think there are things i could still teach you so easy, so soft, horror's kiss never doubt you could come to understand one wing dipped in blood-- think on it carefully. isn't it time we were done? our endless aimless linked chains, rust and silver, coming back to the beginning again always every breath that's died under your fingers think on it-- which do you really want to save? III shall i be a hundred times betrayed? riddle me this, father-- your title that of a priest-- twin murdered children hover here who would call you betrayer how would you answer them? would you? a boy's voice crying after you, begging rescue, and your eyes on the stars slowly splitting in halves at your back since i've been gone, father, have you heard them echoing in these halls of cold, echoes, dying, driving you behind a mask-- are we still with you, father? are you haunted? do you see her face in dreams, then? the small smile at my scream, dwindling in your eyes as you shrank down at her feet daddy's dying in the backyard, what a good show daddy is do you see me, split with light, split but one for once, joined in desire not purpose, saving and killing with a single breath, as chosen? do you see me take the monster's paw and walk off into the sky? and why should i care, father? they are your ghosts, only my beginnings should you dare to come before me, will i ask you? would you answer? absences felt as presences: a deaf ear, a blind eye you never saw me climb to being, born slow in agony, never saw the first toddling steps into the gruesome over-light-- you never saw and you never came murdered children, tied to my back now, pointing skeleton fingers with eyes that say silently, you. that's what you fear, isn't it? that's what you look for in my lunatic's eyes admit it, father confess to me the crime, the fear, the ghosts it makes no difference now; we all know you of old confess that you loved her, confess that you let her this blade brings us both peace no use for your petty healing your anxious clouds of apology you never gave half what you took, misguided and inverted there is no nobility in sacrifice; i don't love you and i don't pity you and you won't sand the burn of her smile from my infant skin father, betrayer, father of betrayal: you. IV confess to me the crime you're the one to blame, at last, when all the bodies have been cleared away: in their center, you stand wide-eyed, soaked in blood, finger aimed into me like a bullet your own worst enemy, inside like a parasite that's the way you always saw it and i only saved you because you birthed me: call it retaliation. she told you who you were and you passed each word, faithful, to my hands buried in my evil before i existed pack animal, carrying your load bad because you needed it your assassin now, your creature, you my parasite instead but still i don't hate you i remember holding you, inside i remember us hiding together, even though it was all mine once we were found i remember having the strength, and you, shaking, shaking me within, so afraid, so unable, and i remember; i remember us. can't you? kept me out, kept me away can't have our monsters prowling our safest places called you coward but we are both afraid: but you hide in the light, that's all and can you still hear the voices in the dim metal the strange lights flaring, no answer to our cries only you and me, our us, my burden, your futile fantasy, feel you cower and run as i twist, howl, burn feel them flood the aching ancient channels little rats' feet shod in jagged glass dancing on forgotten passages, blue fire in runes on my eyes born to pain: feel her hands in the dark, her breath, hear the voice think father where is father and feel the hate first begin feel this feel all of this everything i took away from you when you gave it everything that was always always mine oh, little one, i could tell you stories. so let out the monster, smile your good morning what are you afraid of? why won't you take it back? V call it retaliation. resentment. insanity. call me monster. call me victim. swathe me up bandaged in a hundred thousand stories explain me, rationalize me make me a case and never think of any truth under my skin: never think that you deserved it. never think of good pain, of cleansing fire. you'll never understand. i, the christ child trumpet to my lips judgement in one hand crashing down like thunder (mother used to say it was angels dancing) all heaven's weapons at my back a little holy death, a little divine reckoning a scourge on all these lands heavy with your walking disease you who left me, you who lost me, you who made me how i am see what it has come to now come and watch the show Kyrie eleison never if i can help it. come on. let's see the whites of your eyes. every lamb to slaughter i'll make you understand this glory i'll show you what it means to cradle god's wrath or someone's wrath, anyway this is my intent, my purpose, my reason, my reality the only explanation i ever need this is what i understand this is the only way i know through it this is the only way i can live? yes. i live
