By: Pixie

Okay I got bored last night, yes I know, me being bored is EXTREMELY dangerous. There's no telling what I'll do! But anyways I was watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and I got to thinking....me thinking. Another very bad thing. Anyways, to see what I thought of, read the story!

Piccolo sat infront of the TV with Goku and Gohan. Goku had bought him a new one since Chi-Chi had smashed the last one, but they were only allowed to watch one hour of television a day. On the screen was a smiling Regis Philbin, handing a check for $32,000 to some guy named Dwayne. He could have won a million but he didn’t know whether Tide or Color-All had been introduced first. Piccolo snorted.

“What an idiot, everybody know that it’s Tide!” he said. Then Regis turned to the camera and spoke.

“If you would like to be a contestant on our show, please call our hotline right now. The number is 1-800-94-SUCKERS, operators are standing by to take your calls,” he said. Goku jumped up.

“I want to be a millionaire! I wanna go on that show!” he said. Piccolo and Gohan stared at him. Piccolo whispered to Gohan.

“What’s a tactful way of telling your dad he’s a moron?” he said. Gohan giggled and then cleared his throat.

“Uh Dad, I think….I think…..” he faltered. Piccolo jumped in.

“Chi-Chi would get mad cause….uh….” he had nothing either.

“Cause she’d have to fly to New York with you and she’s….scared of flying!” Gohan said. Goku scratched his head.

“Well she never got scared on Nimbus,” he said.

“She’s only scared of flying in planes, fluffy little clouds don’t bother her,” Piccolo said. Gohan raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged.

“Oh,” Goku said dejectedly, then his face lit up, “Why don’t you go Piccolo? Your smart!” he said. Piccolo stared at him like he wanted him to dress up in a tu-tu and dance the Nutcracker.

“No way Goku, I don’t need to prove my worth on some stupid game show,” he said. Gohan tugged on his arm.

“Aw c’mon Mr. Piccolo! You’d be great! And you’d get to be on TV!” he said.

“Bah,” Piccolo said and swatted him away. While Gohan had been distracting Piccolo, Goku had phoned the hotline.

“Yes I have a friend who’d be very interested in being on your show. Skill testing question? Okay let me ask him. Piccolo, what’s 4 + 6?” he asked.

“It’s 10 you retard,” Piccolo said rolling his eyes. Then he noticed that Goku was on the phone.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“His name is Piccolo. Yes, we’ll bring him tomorrow. Okay, thanks! Bye!” Goku ignored Piccolo and hung up the phone. Piccolo grabbed him by his collar and yanked him off the ground.

“Just what the hell do you think you are doing?” he demanded. Goku calmly removed Piccolo’s hand and returned himself to the floor.

“I got you a shot to be on the show!” he said grinning, “Isn’t that great?” Piccolo stared at him horrified.

“No that is not great! I’m not going tomorrow, you can’t make me!” he said. Goku eyed him.

“If you don’t go I’ll tell Chi-Chi that you took Gohan to a PG-13 movie,” he said. Piccolo glared back at him.

“I’ll tell her that you’re the one who ate her birthday cake!”

“I’ll tell her what really happened to her curtains Mr. I-Need-A-New-Cape!”

“I’ll tell her about you and the stripper at Vegeta’s bachelor party!”

“I’LL TELL HER YOU HELPED GOHAN SKIP SCHOOL FOR A MONTH!”

“I”LL TELL HER THAT GOHAN WAS REALLY AN ACCIDENT!”

Suddenly they both realized that Gohan was standing right there. He was reading a Sailor Moon manga and looked up.

“Did you guys say something? I wasn’t paying attention,” he said. They both sighed with relief. Then Piccolo grabbed his manga and threw it out the window.

“Hey! What’d you do that for?” Gohan complained.

“I thought I told you never to associate yourself with them in any way!” Piccolo said. Gohan shook his head.

“I was just reading, geez. Why don’t you like them anyways?” he asked. Piccolo stiffened.

“We don’t talk about that! That’s between me, Dende, and them!” he said. Gohan shrugged. Goku sighed.

“Well I guess if ya don’t want to be on the show then you don’t want to be on the show,” he said. Piccolo nodded and crossed his arms.

“You’d have to drag me there,” he said.

The next morning at one o’clock they were doing just that. It took Goku, Gohan, Vegeta, Krillin, Yamcha, and Tien working together, but they were doing it. They’d hog tied him, duct taped his mouth shut, and blindfolded him so that he couldn’t shoot them with any ki blasts. Piccolo struggled as hard as he could, but couldn’t get away. Goku gave him a nudge with his foot.

“Stop wriggling around Piccolo, your making it take twice as long,” he said. They dragged him into the television studio and stopped infront of the desk.

“Can I help you?” the secretary asked looking up at the odd group of people in front of her. She looked at Goku and Vegeta’s hair and wondered to herself how much hairspray and gel they went through in a day.

“Yup, that’s Piccolo over there,” Goku pointed to the extremely pissed off Namek on the floor. The secretary’s eyes lit up.

“Hold on, let me get the producer,” she said and ran off. She came back a few seconds later with a tall man.

“Your right! He is an alien! Ratings here we come! TAKE THAT NBC! KISS MY ASS FOX!” he said punching the air.

“You mean Mr. Piccolo is gonna be on the show?” Gohan asked. The producer ruffled his hair.

“You bet he is! Do you know how many people will tune in to watch him?” he asked. Goku started to count on his fingers but got lost at three. Everybody sweatdropped. “Millions!” the producer exclaimed. They all gasped.

“How come?” Vegeta asked.

“People wanna see something new, something different. And we’ve already had two gay guys on the show. But an alien! Now that’s different!” he said.

“So when does he go on?” Krillin asked.

“Tonight,” the producer said.

“NO WAY!” They all turned to look at Piccolo who had managed to chew through the duct tape.

“Oh come on Piccolo! We had to drag your heavy ass all the way here! The least you could do is try!” Yamcha said. The producer got down on his knees in front of him.

“Please you have to! We’ll offer you a twenty thousand dollar bonus in addition to whatever you win!” he said. Piccolo shook his head.

“I don’t care about money,” he said and ripped his hands off to get free of the handcuffs. Then he grew them back and untied his feet. The producer stared at him.

“We’ll offer you one million bonus! Two if you can work that thing in where you rip your hand off and grow it back!!!!” he burst out. Piccolo stood up.

“Nope,” he said and turned to go out the door. He felt a small tug at his pantleg. Oh crap. Don’t look directly at his face, don’t look directly at his face, Piccolo told himself. He looked downwards at Gohan, he had big puppy eyes and his lower lip was protruding. Piccolo immediately froze. Damn, I looked at his face!

“Won’t you please do it Mr. Piccolo? Then I could tell all my friends at school about it and they’d think I was cool,” he said. Piccolo squeezed his eyes shut. No…must resist puppy face…focus…damn…it’s too powerful!

“FINE! I’ll do it,” he growled. Gohan jumped up and down.

“Yay! Thank you Mr. Piccolo!” he said hugging his knees. Piccolo kicked him off and sighed.

“Somebody get me some water,” he said.

An hour later Piccolo found himself sitting in a small bright room with lots of lights shining on him. He squinted and raised a hand to block the light.

“What the hell are you trying to do? Blind me?” he snapped. A man with a camera laughed.

“Of course not, we’re just trying to make you look good baby!” he said.

“Baby?” Piccolo repeated, this guy was about twenty seconds away from death. The guy clapped his hands.

“Okay, places everyone! Let the photo shoot begin! C’mon Piccolo, give it to me! Your going to win one million dollars! Your going to show everyone how smart you are! Give me a pose!” he said and began snapping away with the camera. Piccolo just glared at the guy as hard as he could. Ten seconds to live……

“That’s it! You’re a sexy bitch! Growl at me! Work it baby!” he said. Piccolo brought his fist back in preparation to blow the guy away when the camera flashing suddenly stopped.

“Thank Kami…” he muttered to himself.

“And I’m spent!” the guy said tossing his camera to an assistant and walking out the door. The producer hurried into the room.

“Okay now prep him for the television commercial! Hair, make-up! NOW!” he barked and two ladies immediately went over to him.

“Uh, he doesn’t have any hair,” one with bouncy brunette curls said.

“I don’t think I have any make-up that matches his skin color,” the other one said while digging through her kit.

“And if anybody touches me I’ll kill them!” he said irritably. They quickly backed away.

“Okay then sir, would you please look at the camera and read this,” the assistant director handed him a cue card. Piccolo quickly scanned it.

“I am NOT going to read that!” he said.

“Piccolo, what’s the problem?” the producer asked sighing.

“What’s the problem? You want me to say “Hi I’m Piccolo from the beyond the stars and I want to be a millionaire!” and your asking me what the problem is?” he asked dryly. The producer turned to the camera man.

“Bob did you get that?” he asked.

“Yup,” the guy replied patting his camera.

“Good. Edit it and get the commercial on air as soon as possible,” he said. Piccolo once again began to charge a ki blast but Goku and Gohan quickly dragged him out of the room.

“Come on Piccolo, they gave us a hotel room to stay in. You should get some rest before the big night!” he said. Piccolo yanked away from him.

“I just want to go home!” he said. Gohan looked up at him, horrified.

“You can’t quit now Mr. Piccolo! I already told all my friends!” he said, eyes beginning to water.

“ALL RIGHT!” he said and followed Goku into the hotel. I should’ve let the kid get blasted by Nappa, he thought bitterly. They rode the elevator up to their room. Gohan immediately flopped on the bed and clicked on the TV. Goku ran off to play in the pool. Piccolo settled himself out on the balcony to meditate.

“Hey Mr. Piccolo! Your commercials on TV!” Gohan yelled from inside. Piccolo didn’t really want to see but he dragged himself inside.

“Aw you just missed it, but don’t worry. They said it would be on every single station, so if you flip the channels you can’t go more than thirty seconds without seeing it,” Gohan said.

“Swell,” Piccolo muttered and glued his eyes to the television. A picture of the stars flashed onto the television screen.

“Oh here it is!” Gohan said.

The shot pans across the sky until we see a moving dot of light, it get’s brighter as it gets closer. It swoops low over some trees and Piccolo steps out. He gazes across to the ABC Studios. Then he grins and speaks “I’m Piccolo from beyond the stars, I’ve come to show the people of earth that I want to be a millionaire!” The shot then changes to Regis. “Hello folks! Tonight will mark our most exciting episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ever! Are alien life forms intelligent? Tune in to find out!”

Piccolo stared at the screen in shock. What the hell was going on here?

“I NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?” he yelled.

“Well they can do almost anything with computers these days Mr. Piccolo,” Gohan said. Piccolo suppressed the very strong urge to reach out and strangle the kid. It wasn’t his fault anyways, this was Goku’s doing! Piccolo heaved a sigh and went back out on the balcony. What he saw looming in the distance made him wish he hadn’t. In the short few minutes he had been gone, several billboards had been erected. Piccolo gripped the railing and stared at them. His face was towering above the highways and buildings. He groaned.

“I do NOT want to see what they say on them,” he said shutting his eyes.

“Hey Mr. Piccolo?” Gohan’s voice came from beside him.

“What?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“Have you thought about who your going to use for your phone a friend lifeline?” he asked. Piccolo’s eyes snapped open.

“Pardon?” he said.

“You know, your lifelines! There’s poll the audience, 50-50, and phone a friend!” he said. Piccolo sighed.

“Right, well since you’re the only friend I have I’ll use you,” he said. Gohan’s eyes lit up.

“Really? Wow, thanks Piccolo!” he said and hugged his knees again. Piccolo looked around uncomfortably, hoping that nobody was looking. The phone in the hotel room rang and Gohan bounded inside to answer it.

“The kids like a friggin’ leech,” Piccolo muttered.

“HEY PICCOLO! PHONE FOR YOU!” Gohan shouted from inside. Piccolo winced.

“You don’t have to scream like that, I’ve got big ears,” he said and snatched the phone from him, “Hello?”

“Hey Piccolo! How’s our star?” the producers voice came through the phone.

“Pissed off! What’s with all the billboards? And what the hell is up with that commercial?” he said.

“Oh, editing and computer graphics. Cool huh?” the producer laughed.

“COOL? You made me look like an ass!” Piccolo growled.

“Trust me Piccolo, I’ve been in the business for a long time. I know what grabs people’s attention and that my friend, will make people drop everything and look! But I called for another reason, do you have any family? We like to fly them in and have them sit behind you in the audience,” the producer explained.

“No,” Piccolo said flatly.

“Are you sure? There is no other aliens like you?” he asked.

“Yes! There’s Kami and Dende!” Gohan yelled from behind him. Piccolo whirled and glared at him. He covered the mouthpiece.

“What the hell do you think your doing?” he demanded. Gohan grinned.

“Your not the only one with good hearing,” he said.

“Why you little…” Piccolo started to say but the producer was talking in his ear again.

“So that was Kami and Dende? All right we’ll fly them in shortly, see you in a few hours!” he said and hung up. Gohan stopped grinning when he saw the death look on Piccolo’s face. He held up his hands.

“I just thought you might like more people cheering for you Piccolo,” he said.

“Well wasn’t that thoughtful of you,” Piccolo said in a calm voice, too calm.

“Uh, I’m going to go and join dad in the pool! BYE!” he said and ran out the door. He bumped into Goku in the hall.

“Hey dad wanna go in the pool with me?” he asked.

“No thanks Gohan I’m kinda tired. Plus the life guard kicked me out for cheating at Marco Polo. Lousy eight year olds are just sore losers….” He muttered. Gohan grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the elevators.

“Well then let’s go to the arcade! I think Piccolo wants to be alone right now,” he said laughing nervously.

Piccolo was rooting through his gift basket in his dressing room when the door opened. Regis Philbin was standing there.

“Hello Piccolo, I’m Regis Philbin!” he said extending a hand to shake it. Piccolo just eyed it.

“Yeah I know who you are,” he said slowly. Regis withdrew his hand and then smiled.

“Well I just need to tell you a couple of things. First off, to be fair we have to give everyone a chance to try to win the million dollars. So at the beginning you’ll go out with 9 other contestants. We’ll rig the keypads so that only yours works properly and you’ll get into the hot seat. But don’t let on to the others that you know, all right?” he asked. Piccolo shrugged.

“Yeah whatever, are these nuts any good?” he asked holding up a can of macadamia’s.

“Your better off to stick with the Planters peanuts,” Regis said. Piccolo nodded and dug around for the can. Regis left and Gohan came in.

“What are you doing here? Your supposed to be at the hotel room in case I need to call you!” Piccolo said.

“Yeah I know! I’m going back in a minute. I just wanted to say good luck!” he said and hugged his knees for the third time that day. Piccolo carefully stepped out of the kids grasp.

“Thanks kid, now get lost,” he said. Gohan waved and ran out the door grinning.The stage director stuck her head into the room.

“Mr. Piccolo? Five minutes to show time,” she said. Piccolo nodded and sighed. He paced the dressing room until the director came back.

Piccolo found himself waiting backstage with the other contestants. Most of them looked nervous or excited. He just loooked pissed off. They all got called out one by one. To build tension he was called out last. As soon as he stepped out onto the stage the audience gasped and went silent. Except for a small section consisting of Kami, Dende, Bulma, Vegeta, Goku, Yamcha, Tien, Choazu, Puar, Oolong, Master Roshi, they were all cheering wildly. Piccolo gave them a glare that quickly shut them up. He took his place at his seat around the edge of the stage. Regis introduced the show and explained the rules. Then came the determining question.

“Put the following Dragonballs in order from highest number of stars to lowest.

A) 6

B) 3

C) 1

D) 4

“This is pathetic. Even Goku would’ve gotten that one,” Piccolo muttered to himself.

“DCBA!!!!” Goku shouted from the audience.

“Then again maybe not,” Piccolo said shaking his head. Regis had to remind Goku that the game was not for audience members. There were muffled shouts of surprise from the other contestants.

“Hey, my keypad doesn’t work!” one guy said. Regis hit a button under the table where he sat and the guy was given a mild electric shock. The others wisely decided to keep their mouths shut.

“And the fastest time was…..Piccolo!” Regis announced. This time the entire audience clapped as he made his way to the seat across from Regis.

“So Piccolo, do you understand the rules? Do you have any questions about your lifelines?” he asked. He shook his head. Regis gave the camera a broad grin.

“Okay then, let’s play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!” a strange noise sounded and the lights all focused on him.

“All right for $100, what is generally paired with jam in a PBJ sandwich?”

A) Rat poison

B) Ketchup

C) Peanut Butter

D) Bacon Bits

“ C) Peanut Butter,” Piccolo answered. He’d witnessed Goku eat 36 of those sandwiches once before.

“Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“He’s right folks!” everybody clapped.

“Now for $200, What does F.B.I stand for?” Regis said.

A) Federal Bureau of Investigation

B) Free Beer for Investigators

C) Fuzzy Bunny Institute

D) Farmers for Better Irrigation

“A) Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Piccolo said. This was too easy.

“Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“YES.”

“Correct! The $400 dollar question is, which of the following people is not an astronaut?”

A) Neil Armstong

B) Buzz Lightyear

C) Roberta Bondar

D) Buzz Aldrin

“B) Buzz Lightyear,” Piccolo chuckled to himself. Being forced into watching Toy Story with Gohan had come in handy after all!

“Is that your final answer?”

“YES!”

“Are you sure?”

“WOULD YOU STOP ASKING ME THAT? YES IT’S MY FRIKKIN FINAL ANSWER!!!!!”

“He’s right!” The people cheered and clapped a little louder this time. The crowd was really starting to get behind him and Piccolo started to enjoy himself. When the director held up a cue card that told him to rip off an limb and grow it back he obligingly did so. He accumulated more and more money. He even chatted amiably with Regis during the commercial breaks about meditation. Then it came time for the $1, 000, 000 dollar question.

“All right this is it Piccolo. You’ve used all your life lines. You can walk out now with $500,000 or you can go for the million, what do you want to do?” Regis asked.

“Well I wouldn’t want to dissappoint all my fans,” he said and then waited for the cheering to subside, “I’m going to try for the million.” Regis nodded.

“Okay, here it is. For one million dollars, which of the following is not a Pokemon?”

A) Rattata

B) Mewtwo

C) Pikachu

D) Spearmon

Piccolo stiffened. He couldn’t remember much from that stupid movie he had to take Gohan and Dende to, and he always meditated on Saturday mornings when Gohan watched it. A drop of sweat ran down the side of his face and he racked his brain.

“Well? Regis asked. Piccolo cleared his throat.

“I….uh…..is there like a bonus lifeline or something?” he asked. Regis shook his head. Piccolo gulped. He knew Pikachu was one, it was the sickeningly cute little rat thing. MewTwo, that one had been in the movie, he remembered that much. Spearmon, that sounded vaguely familar. So it had to be……

“A) Rattata,” he said. Regis had stopped asking him if it was his final answer since Piccolo had yelled at him. Instead he shook his head sadly.

“I’m sorry Piccolo, that’s incorrect,” he said. Piccolo’s eyes blazed.

“WHAT?” he demanded. Regis held up his hands and leaned back in chair.

“That’s not the right answer,” he repeated. Piccolo’s mind raced. He’d lost! How could this be? Suddenly he snapped and began destroying everything in sight. People screamed and ran from the studio. Somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled around and shot the person with his eye lasers. It was Regis. His hair and suit were singed.

“Here, you still get $64,000. And a $2,000,000 bonus for that trick you did,” he said coughing.

“Oh,” Piccolo said. He took the cheque from Regis and walked out of the now almost completely leveled ABC Studios. Goku met him outside.

“That’s tough luck Piccolo, at least you still won something,” he said. Piccolo shrugged and stuffed the cheque into his pocket.

“Whatever, who cares about some stupid game show anyways?” he said. A man in a green jacket ran up to him.

“I’m a representative from the FOX Network! How would you feel about appearing on Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire Alien?” he asked. Piccolo just stared at him for a moment and then punched him in the face. Goku looked over his shoulder at the unconscious guy on the grass.

“I guess that was a no,” he observed.

"I still kind of want to be on TV, but I'm sick of gameshows. Let's go become Ultimate Fighting Champions on Pay-Per-View," Piccolo suggested.

Well in the words of Porky Pig, That's All Folks! Fini! In other words, THE END!