after tonight's performance, i got into samson and ended up home. the whole time i was in the car, i was thinking about my social, or lack thereof, side. why did i not go to the cast party? i simply didn't want to or feel like it. this is what i don't get...i don't have a problem with anyone in the cast, but i definitely distance myself without thinking about it. why? i've never been big on crowds and groups. so is that why i'm continually distancing myself? is it just that simple? most party scenes bore me. almost as much as the bar/club scene. i had fun at the party last weekend, but i didn't stay very long. what i want out of social settings is sharing and getting to know people a little bit better. the way i see it is i wont have any great conversations. that's what i love. that's important to me. just being able to sit down with someone, anyone, i would imagine, and the two of us just getting to know one another. maybe i don't like groups because i have trouble focusing on one thing. when it comes to people, maybe i'm very single focused. too many people at once is just too much for me. what i really hate is when i'm in a group and being quiet, 'cause i'm trying to find focus or keep up with all that's going on around, someone will ask me if i'm alright. and keep asking me. the caring is appreciated, but i'm not the type to be the center of attention in that setting. why can't a person be silent and still and be just peachy? people who know me, really know, know that i am silent some of the time. so i guess it's just frustrating going into new environments and having to constantly explain that i'm fine, i just don't feel like talking or trying to steal the spotlight. it all feels so shallow. i have these short conversations and folx are consumed with...not much that keeps my interest. am i bitter? i just wish i could find some people who know the power of words and say what they mean. not just ask me "what's up?" or "how i'm doing?" and then don't even wait for the answer because they're just expecting me to say "fine" or "good". i think i'm bored with people. i don't know. the play is almost over and i'm happy about that. at least i got the chance to perform again.

time to wash the mask off my face, hit the shower and then i'm going to bed.