been working on my 'zine. i have two pieces for it. i don't think that's hardly enough to start with. a poem and a "story" type piece. don't rush it is what i've heard. i don't plan on rushing it. i want this to be a literary piece i can be proud of. something that captures my essence and speaks to me. i'm not concerned with appealing to people...well, i am only a little. if it appeals to me, i think it'll appeal to others.

i'm still feeling this intense feeling of not knowing what i'm doing with myself. watching dirty dancing. i love those stories where people from different sides of the track fall helplessly in love. against all odds...like that phil collins song.

i'm ready to admit that i don't understand men.

sidebar: a commercial just came on for that jack nicholson and helen hunt movie "as good as it gets". that's what they were playing in that waiting room that day. i will forever associate that movie with that experience. i wonder if i'll ever sit down and actually watch it. i can think of that day without thinking of that movie, but i can't think of that movie without thinking of that day.

back to me not understanding men...they don't understand me either. i don't feel comfortable around them. i never have. i don't think i've ever looked at them with new eyes. jaded eyes. i wonder if i can. if i will. there's such tension. they seem like such a distraction. i'm sure i need to see them differently. i just don't know how to make myself see them differently. i'm sure it can be done. anything's possible, right? i think i would just like to be comfortable around men.

*sighs* i'll figure it out when i'm supposed to. i should get ready for bed.

the adventures of huey : his water's getting a little murky. i wonder if that means it's time to clean his bowl.