Title: Redneck
Author: HarleyAngel
Rating: R -for the jokes
Distribution: only here. Ask if you want it.
Disclaimer: JOSS JOSS JOSS ALREADY!
Spoilers: none
Summery: Willow gets tickets to the jeff Foxworthy 
show. I know, I'm just a JF fan, so bear with me.
It's mostly jokes, so....
***************************************************

	Willow came running into the living room of her house where Buffy, 
Riley and Spike sat chatting.  Buffy sat on Riley's lap making out and Spike 
glared at them angrily, waiting for Willow to return so he could get some 
attention.  When she returned, bouncing happily, he smiled at her. She walked
over and was about to sit down next to him, when Buffy spotted her hand 
holding something.

	"Hey, Wills, what's that?" she asked pulling from her boyfriend.

	"Tickets! Guess what show is in town, Buff! You won't believe it!"

	Spike had enough teasing and enough of her just standing there 
unknowingly playing with his mind, her butt in his face.  She wore tight 
blue jeans which made it worse.  He grabbed her waist and pulled her down 
into his lap, scaring her.

	"Spike!" Willow yelped smaking him on the chest for scaring her, 
then giggled, smiling.

	He simply smiled and bent his head over to look at the tickets. 
"Who is Jeff Foxworthy?"

	Buffy jumped up, her face alight. "OH MY GOD! Tell me you did not 
get tickets!?! YOu got tickets! Oh, wow! Yes!" she giggled, jumping about.  
Willow laughed.

	"Yeah, isn't it great?!"

	"Ok, now, about my question..." Spike asked, drawing Willow's 
attention back to him by turning her chin with his palm.

	Willow smiled and stood, running to her room then returned and 
took out a CD, handing the case to Spike and placing the CD in a player 
and turning it on.  A man's voice came on and started telling jokes.

	"He's the funniest!" Willow exclaimed bouncing back down onto 
Spike's lap, who immediatly wrapped his free arm around her waist.

	"I'm not sure about his pet." He said, looking at her strangely.

	"I can always make you go." she said smiling evily.

	"I doubt that."

	"Uh, huh."

	"Oh, yeah? And how do you propose to do that?" he asked shifting her 
in his lap, looking up at her.

	"I can always make my sad puppy face." she said, then made a face 
that came off the wrong way.  Since she was still smiling it turned into 
more of a 'take me' face.

	Spike growled deep in his throat. "Wrong face, luv." he said 
quietly and tossed the CD case over the couch, grabbing Willow by the waist 
and pouncing her onto the couch, immediatly attacking her neck with his 
mouth. (Not biting)  Willow sqealed and giggled.

	"I think maybe I should just go into my room." Buffy said calmly 
and dragged Riley into her room to continue their previous engagements.

	Willow squirmed under his attentions, then relaxed as he started
sucking on her neck.

~~~~~~~~~~

	"Wow this is gonna be great!" Willow said as the four walked into 
the bar room.  Spike's arms snaked around her as they stopped to admire the 
atmosphere.  The smokey room had an antique old quality much like the pubs 
in England that Spike had been to earlier in the centuries.

	He slid around and took her hand in his, leading her to a table in 
the back where you could see over all the people.  He sat down and pulled 
Willow around to sit on his lap.  Willow rolled his eyes.  Geez, he could be 
so 'touchy' sometimes.  Well, it was nice to have someone like to touch
her, she guessed.

	Buffy did the same to Riley to make Willow feel more comfortable.

	After about ten minutes of talking, a man with a mustache came out 
on stage and started talking to the group.

	"Hey, how ya'll tonight?  I'm Jeff Foxworthy..." the crowd applauded 
and then died down.

	"Ok, so let's-let's so how we're split up here tonight. How many 
people are single? Single folks?" About a quarter of the crowd hollared out 
whoops. "Married? A lot more people married. Out of the two I do belive that 
single people have the toughest life. Just that word single. S-I-N-G-L-E.
Stay intoxicated daily, get laid every night."

	Most everyone cheered and laughed.  Willow giggled and Buffy covered 
her mouth to keep quiet.  Spike found these 'jokes' pretty strange but still 
pretty amusing. He had to smile.

	"Single people always love that joke.  I remember being single too, 
It was tough, I remember there used to be nights I'd come home and stagger 
into the bedroom, grab the covers on my bed, pull them back, put one foot it,
the alarm clock would go off, I'd pull that leg out and go 'that didn't take 
long.'" The croud laughed."'Going to be a bad day at work today, boy!"

	"A few people have had that day...where you knew you were feeling so 
bad you had to call in sick to work..you remember that call....the one you 
would actually practice before calling."

	The people in the room laughed as he pretended to clear his throat 
and made a low freaky frog sound as he spoke. "I am very sick...ahe ahe.."

	Willow turned red with laughter.

	"My theory was, if your going to call in, call in with something 
disgusting so they won't ask about it...like my favorite was explosive 
diarea."

	The crowd howled with laughter.  Willow burst out laughing and 
Spike soon followed.

	"Na, as a matter of fact, we'll pay YOU to stay home with that if 
youwould....that's the key, it's gotta be believeable.  Don't call in with 
something like.....leperacy.  Cause you'll just look like an idjut." The 
crowd giggled, trying to catch breathe. "Hello, boss? No my arm fell off! 
Your sorry? Hell, I drive a stick shift!"

	Willow buried her face in Spike's shoulder as she laughed hard.

	"Half the time I'd call em and I'd tell em the truth, I did't care
.....hello, boss?  I will not be able to come to work today.   Because I 
cannot find my clothes." Laughter echoed softly waiting for the next line to 
roar. "Well, I appreciate your concern, but I figure if I find my house, 
they'll be somewhere around there."applause.

	"Anybody newlyweds with us? Somebody down close? Like, less than a 
year..right here, how long? "A pause" Eight months. How's the first eight 
months..this guy, look at the guy , he's like..." the man made a panick 
face. "could be eight months....could be eight milllion years..." The crowd 
laughed as he continued. " I remember I was dressed real nice...the preacher 
asked me a question...I said I do and later that night I found my brain in 
my underpants."

	Willow and Buffy laughed maddly and Spike couldn't help but laugh 
as well.

	"So sir, how's the first eight month?  Great.....smart man." 
Laughter." Cause you know if he'd a said good, they'd be driving home this 
evening and she'd be going 'good?'  'Hello goodbye!'"

	Willow's face was flushed and she was trying to drink.

	"Ah, what kind of wedding the two of you have? Big or little one?
.......medium." Laughter" make this as difficult as you can for me.  I-I 
met a guy in Oklahoma and asked him if he had a big wedding or a little 
wedding, he went 'Westen weddin' "Laughter. " Your at the alter on a cow, 
they let her out of shoot number two...." he trailed off as the people 
howled in laughter.


	After a five minute break, music started up to accompany the next 
set.  The comedian came out again and stood up there. "Single life is just 
too hard, don't you think? I mean your just starting out in life, you don't 
have anything, you don't own anything. Which is why single people throw the 
best parties!' Cheers and applause. "They don't have to worry about thier 
furniture getting messed up! Their friends can destroy everything they own, 
their out.....fifteen bucks.  Single people do throw the best parties though.
Single people throw parties where there's a chance somebody's coming out of
their clothes by the time the nights out.  It's usualy the woman dancing by 
herself,way too early in the evening. 'Peggy sue's dancing by herself over 
there in the corner and it's only 7:15, that shirt's coming off, I garrentee 
it.'  And you know some single people don't consider it to be a party unless 
the cops have been there at least a dozen times.  Four hundred drunks trying 
to act like their not drunk....one man is the spokesman for the group." 
Laughter filled the room.

	"Shhh, shhh, I'm talking to the cops!...turn the sterio down! Put 
your shirt on Peggy! Alright, ya'll be cool, let me do the talking....
Welcome back Officer Mitchel! Don't shoot!  ahah, I told him don't shoot...
I'm glad your back, I wanna report a crime! Larry puked in the aquarium!!!." 
The crowd was red faced with laughter by now. "Hey, officer Mitchel, I 
thought you said you didn't want to come back out here tonight....hey if I 
lay down on the sidewalk, will you draw my picture with that chalk ya'll 
have?"


	The act took a break and the four chatted about the entertainment, 
everyone agreeing that it was very funny.  There was only one more act 
before the end and Buffy and Willow were excited about it.  It was the jokes 
that made him famous....redneck jokes.



	"Greetings Ya'll and welcome all you danged foreigners from other 
nations! Dear lord, be with our friends and prepare them for the butt 
whooping they are about to receive! " laughter resumed and music started a 
small intro as he took a drink. "The Olympics in Georgia, god you know were 
gonna screw that up.  I garruntee you when they let those doves go at the 
beginning ceremony, there are gonna be guys out in the parking lot with shot 
guns.  And we will not have a flame that big without a pig on ya! Some fat 
guy going dang good barbeque up top of them stair, be careful though, there 
aint no handrail.  And the people there are gonna have no idea what half 
this stuff is supposed to be.  For fencing, they'll be giving people bailing 
wire and sheet metal!  And they'll have to cancel water polo after the first 
two or three horses drown! I tell ya, intead of diskess throwning, they'll 
be flinging ford hubcaps!  And you know they don't even realize it, but the 
river their doing the kyacking on is the same river they filmed Deliverance 
at.  And if Ned Batty can't make it down that river, a frenchman in a pair 
of bicycle pants hasn't got a chance.  POOh! 'Hey Ed! I got a white one!"  
the crowd giggled.



	"If you have been on television more than five times describing what 
the tornado sounded like! You might be a redneck."

	The crowd laughed as he began a stream of you might be jokes.

	"If you've ever cut your grass and found a car!  If your dad walks 
you to school because your in the same grade!  If you've ever been to drunk 
to fish!....you might be a redneck.  If someone asks to see your id and you 
show them your belt buckle, if everyday someone comes to your door 
mistakingly thinking your having a yard sell, if you've ever had to carry a 
can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.."

	Willow cracked up and Spike had to help steady her, though he 
himself was laughing beyond beleif.

	"You might be a redneck. If your dog and your wallet are both on a 
chain...you might be a redneck.  They always make fun of the way I talk.. 
You know I tell them, your gonna be real suprised when you get to heaven and 
saint Peter says, 'Ya'll get in the truck, we goin up to the big house."

	Everyone in the crowd was laughing and cheering for more.

	"If youve ever financed the tatoo, if you've ever made change in the 
offering plate, you might be a redneck.  We have words in the south that 
they don't have anywere else. My brother would use this one...'ustacould'.  
'Can you dance?' 'I ustacould...give me a minute and I mightcould again! I 
think my current favorite southern word is sensuous....'told my old lady 
sensuous us up, get a beer. Now you come to the south we have words like, 
'Yauntoo'  'We going'd mall yautoo?'  What letter does that begin with, 
does anybody know?  I like this word alot. 'Aaghite'. That's the word in 
Texas, Aaghite. Round lunch time,everyday, you'll hear somebody say. 
'Jeetyet'..'Na, Dju?...'Yauntoo?'.......'Aaghite.'  "Applause.

	"If you go the the family reunion to meet women...if you smoked 
during your wedding, and last but not least, if you see a sign that say's 
say no to crack and it reminds you to pull up your jeans....you might be a 
redneck.

More? Ok, more....If you have a mobile home and fourteen cars that aren't...
you might be a redneck....
if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit...if your grandmother can 
properly execute the sleeper hold... if you've been married three times and 
still have the same inlaws....you might be a redneck.

If your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture, if you've ever 
been accused of lying through your tooth, If you've every had hot flashes at 
a cattle auction, if the most common phrase heard in your house is 'someone 
go jiggle the handle'...you might be a redneck. 

If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs...If your family
 tree does not fork....I found out there are alot of missconseptions about 
the south, alot of people think that everybody in the south is a redneck...
and you don't have to talk like this to be a redneck, I have ben to 48 states, 
there are rednecks everywhere....alot of people don't know if they are a 
redneck or not, so I came up with a test.....things like..if your richest 
relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it, 
you might be a redneck...

if your wifes hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan, if you refer 
to the fifth grade as my senior year....if you've ever taken a beer to a job 
interview, you might be a redneck.... if you can burp and say your name at 
the same time! Look, people are qualifyin out here! If you refer to your 
wife and your mother in law as duel airbags  you might be a redneck! If 
someone yells 'hoe down' and your girlfriend hits the floor! Thank you! 
thank you for coming! See ya'll later! Thank you!." the man finished and 
waved as he left.

	Willow laughed into Spikes shoulder, laughing so hard, tears were 
emerging.
	

TBC...