Platinum Prima Donnas
By KM Valentine
Midgar:
If you are a fanfic author, you know how insanity feels. It’s a given.Three Voices: Hoo hah!
Midgar: You made the mistake of borrowing some other genius’ characters for whatever reason, and if you didn’t get sued, the creator’s wrath was unleashed by the characters themselves.
Three Voices: Hoo hah!
Midgar: (winces) You know, when they started talking to you. And, if you are really and truly meant to be a fanfic author… You liked it.
Three Voices: Hoo hah!
Midgar: (glaring into the shadows) Well, anyway, there are a bunch of bishounen who noticed that I was either fanficking them or role-playing them, and they’ve taken up residence with my original characters in the vast dormitories of my skull. Most of the boys are kawaii and sassy, but generally adorable. Four of the older bishies, however, refuse to behave. Nuriko…
Nuriko comes from the shadows and waves.
Midgar: Duo…
Duo comes out and poses sexily.
Midgar: Deux…
Deux prances out and drapes himself over the shoulders of the two braided bishounen, grinning cattily, tail swishing.
Midgar: And I have nicknamed them… The PLATINUM PRIMA DONNAS.
Nuriko, Duo, and Deux, highly recognizable as the Three Voices: Hoo hah!
Midgar: (frowning at them) I wish you guys wouldn’t do that. You know how much they hate it,
Duo: That’s why we do it, Midi-chan.
Nuriko: Yup.
Deux: Hoo hah!
The Platinum Prima Donnas all seem to arrive at once, in an understated, classy roll of dark clouds and rippling breeze.
Sephiroth: Stop that nonsense.
Kunzite: Indeed.
Diamond: This second.
Milliard Peacecraft: Please.
Midgar: Aww, here it goes! >.<
Duo: Hi Sephy… Kunzy… Zechsy…
Deux and Nuriko snicker, as if on cue.
Duo: Di… How are you gentlemen fairing this evening?
Kunzite and Sephiroth snort derisively, tossing their hair in unison. Diamond mimics them, a beat off, and Milliard folds his arms over his chest, glaring.
Milliard: We’d be doing a lot better if you three juvenile delinquents would leave Midgar-san alone for once and let her write fics about more… adult characters. Like us.
Duo: Oh, Zechsy!
Cued snickering from Nuriko
Deux: (quietly) Hoo hah!
Duo: You’ve wounded me to the core! Hold me, Deux, I think I might cry.
Duo falls into Deux’s arms, and the neko-shounen fans him, indulging his silliness to the utmost. The PPDs begin to display the slightest twinges of annoyance.
Nuriko: Honestly, boys, as much as we’d like to see an evil villain special, there’s been a bit of difficulty with the story. Midi-chan does occasionally let me co-author, ya see, so I know these things.
Milliard and Diamond look mildly discouraged. Kunzite examines his nails boredly, and Sephiroth walks over to a temple-rubbing Midgar to take over soothing her headache.
Sephiroth: Midi-chan?
Midgar: (warily) Hai, Sephi-kun?
Sephiroth: What is Nuriko talking about?
Midgar: Well, Sephi-kun, it’s like this. I write yaoi. Villain yaoi.
Sephiroth: We know. That’s why we’re here.
Midgar: Well… Diamond is not yaoi, and Zechsy… Excuse me, Milliard… Is iffy, both as yaoi and as a villain.
Sephiroth: I see… And?
Midgar: And… You and Kunzaito-sama are both semes, correct?
Sephiroth: (flushing ever so slightly, eyes widened) Hai. This is difficult.
Midgar: (gesturing) That’s only part of the trouble. You all agreed you wanted this to be a PPD fic. Well, the only PPD uke is Quatre, and he made me promise from the beginning not to pair him up with either you or Kunzaito-sama because you both terrify him.
Sephiroth: Ah hah…
Sephiroth looks decidedly discouraged, Diamond looks downright depressed. A taunting Deux has distracted Milliard, and Kunzite has been glomped by Nuriko with a hairbrush.
Midgar: And so, my darling Sephiroth-joutensei-sama, the PPD fic has been scrapped. Gomen.
Sephiroth: (kisses her forehead) Poor Midi-chan. You always try so hard.
Midgar: (dryly) I’m glad someone noticed.
Diamond: (looking as though something extremely insulting has just occurred to him) Excuse me…
Sephiroth: (very surprised) Hmm?
Midgar: Yeah?
Diamond: (in a dangerous voice, eyes narrowed) Who said I couldn’t play yaoi?
Everyone in the room freezes. Even Deux, probably the most hentai individual in the 2-D universe, is in shock.
Midgar: (pale) Di-di-di-Dimando-sama, you're kidding, right? Someone please tell me he’s kidding?
Milliard: (rather icily) It’s my experience that Diamond does not joke.
Kunzite: (still having his hair brushed) After all, we of the Dark Universe are not known for possessing senses of humor.
Midgar: Dimando-sama, I would never presume to tell you that you couldn’t do anything. But if I cast you as yaoi, not to mention you would have to be uke yaoi, it would not only be incredibly out of character; my mentor, St. Erythros…
Everyone (except Midgar and Nuriko) blinks as a harp and several bells sound at the great fanfic author’s name. (^.~)
Midgar: …would have kittens!
Diamond: (pouting) Well, if I can’t be yaoi and you’re strictly a yaoi fic author, then why am I here?
Midgar: (blushing) Because I needed you, Sapphire, and Emerald for Swirl of Petals and you just kinda hung around and joined the PPD. And then… (Her voice trails off into mumbling)
Diamond: Speak up, woman.
Midgar: Well, I sorta kinda entertained a bad idea about you and Sephiroth for a while, but… I talked myself out of it.
Sephiroth: Bad how?
Midgar: (cringing) Does it really matter?
Sephiroth: Nuriko, bad how?
Nuriko: (busily brushing Kunzite’s hair still) Something about mind-control, puppetry, the Lifestream as a dimensional warp and Diamond wrapped up nude in a black cape. Lots of gratuitous sex. I don’t remember exactly, it was a while ago.
Sephiroth and Diamond raise eyebrows at each other. Diamond shrugs and looks away just before Sephiroth grins and runs his tongue suggestively over his lips. Everyone except Kunzite does a double take, and Midgar blushes an interesting shade, somewhere between fuschia and crimson.
Midgar: (squeaking) See? I told you. Bad idea. And I could try writing another parody, but you guys don't laugh enough. Its harder than hell to deadpan for four.
Nuriko: I have an idea for a fic. I doubt anyone will like it though...
Millard: Hell, let the little drag queen give it a go.
Nuriko: (lazily, while working a particularly complicated knot out of Kunzite's hair) I've read a couple of Gundam Wing fan fics, Peacecraft. Do we really want to upset a Co-Authorial Power? Treize gets kinkier with every page, but I'm sure there are a few things you haven't been subjected to yet...
Milliard coughs, turning bright red.
Nuriko: (looking rather smug) As I was saying... Crossovers seem to be our bag right now, so how about a PPD series instead of one all encompassing fic? Starting with Sailor Moon-Fushigi Yuugi, naturally...
There is a shriek of rage outside the door, and Zoicite falls in, topped by Tasuki and Miaka.
Zoicite: Chou Ryuuen, you little SLUT!
Nuriko: (turning a bit green) Um... eep?
Zoicite: (struggling to get out from under Tasuki and Miaka) I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM SO DEAD, HE'LL NEVER FIND HIS WAY BACK, NO MATTER HOW MANY BRAINLESS MIKOS-
Tasuki claps his hand over Zoicite's mouth. Everyone smiles at him, many outlining silent 'thank you's with their lips.
Miaka: (striking a clueless sort of pose as she finally manages to get to her feet) Um... I resemble that remark, no da? (She taps her chin pensively.) Or is it resent?
Sephiroth: (drily) Its resemble, dear. (to Kunzite) Kunzaito-sama, if you would be so kind...?
Sephiroth jerks his thumb at the enraged Zoicite, who has been temporarily subdued but is biting Tasuki's hand. The poor bandit is turning interesting shades of purple, which clashes awfully with his lovely orange hair.
Kunzite: (smug) Of course, Sephiroth-sama.
Kunzite drags Zoicite out to pacify him, trampling over Tasuki and pushing Miaka out the door. Nuriko moves on to Sephiroth's silver mane, and Tasuki, after collecting himself, takes up a second brush and unbraids Nuriko's hair. No one seems to notice.
Sephiroth: (smiling devistatingly up at him) Please continue, Nuri-chan. That idea was rather... Intriguing.
Nuriko: (overwhelmed momentarily by the angelic, evil smile, has to shake his head to clear the H's from his eyes) Right... So, anyway, I was thinking we could put Kunzaito-sama with me, and Deux has mentioned some... interest in working with Zechsy...
Deux: Mrow! Hoo hah!
Milliard: (barely concealing a smile) I figured I would get the evil neko boy...
Nuriko: Which leaves you, Duo, for Sephiroth-san, and... Gee, Midi-chan, what are we going to do with Diamond?
Midgar: I'm not sure. Although, I do have one in mind from our last misadventure...
Nuriko: Yeah, he is yummy! (He sighs and wriggles his eyebrows hentai-ishly.) But what about Erythros-sama?
Midgar: (sighing, crest-fallen) I'll warn her. Maybe. I don't know...
Diamond: What in the hell are you talking about?! Me and who?
Midgar: (mumbling) Marron Glaces.
Nuriko points to the giant "Gomen Minna" movie poster on the wall, with Marron dressed up as Luke Skywalker.
Diamond: That's a GUY? Wow... He is pretty... He kinda reminds me of Sailormars...
Midgar: Yeah, us too. Same gorgeous hair, same psychotic temper.
Jadeite: (popping out of nowhere and whining) But I thought I was gonna get paired up with him next?!
Midgar: And maybe you are, Jade-kun. I never make promises on fics, everyone knows that. The PPD might still be scrapped, especially if Zoicite keeps insisting he's the only one allowed to play Kunzite's uke.
Midgar and Nuriko roll their eyes in tandem.
Jadeite: Well, you know, Kunzite didn't exactly love the Zoicite-Sephiroth idea, either. I was the one who had to re-plaster the wall he punched through.
Midgar: I remember. (sighs) Those two are totally sexy, but they're absolute shit to work with sometimes.
Jadeite: You're telling me this?!
Suddenly Jadeite is blinded by a pair of slightly furry hands.
Deux: Guess who?
Jadeite: (pulls loose and turns around, then blushes slightly) Oh! Ah... um... Hi there, Deux...
Deux: (flicking his tail and grinning smugly) Mrow... Jade-kun, so nice to see you again... (winks)
Nuriko: (aside, to Midgar) How do those two know each other?
Midgar: Whisper and Usagi introduced them, I guess.
Nuriko: (pursing his lips and glaring at her) Right...
Midgar: What did I do now?
Nuriko: Why does everyone in the world have compatible characters except you?
Midgar: (indignant) Nuriko, name one character I play besides Zoicite that you don't get along with.
Nuriko: Uh... Let me think... Seimore and I got into that one fight, but he forgave me... Celeste and I made up when she saw the Trent Reznor shrine at my website... Rose adores me... Okay, gomen, you're right.
Midgar: (putting her hands on her hips) And you never used to fight with Zoi until he caught you hitting on Kunzite.
Nuriko: (blushing and blinking innocently) He hit on me first, no da.
Midgar: I... Oi vey...
Jadeite: (petting Deux's ears with Milliard) Oi vey is right...
Midgar: (sighing resignedly) I won't argue with you, Nuriko.
Duo: (under his breath) I wouldn't either.
Sephiroth: (filing his nails boredly, leaning on the back of Midgar's chair) I wouldn't bother to argue with him either. Kunzite hits on everyone.
Everyone pauses momentarily, the room echoes with the chirping of some unseen cricket. Midgar blinks, overwhelmed. Characters from her fics and RPs start popping out of the woodworks.
Milliard: Yeah, he does.
Deux: (nodding) Hoo hah!
Duo: This is true.
Tasuki: Damn skippy.
Diamond: Hai.
Sapphire: Yup.
Seimore: Yep.
Quatre: Quite honestly true.
Amethyst: Compulsively.
Marron: Yes.
Cloud: (nods, eyes wide)
Vincent V.: Constantly.
Vincent N.: Incessantly.
Rose: Uh huh.
Slade: And how.
Midgar is starting to look very pale.
Sephiroth: The worst part is... its nearly impossible to tell him no.
Duo: (sighing) Almost painful, at times...
Rose: Those damn sexy silver eyes...
Sapphire: That lovely tanned skin...
Marron: That perfect hair...
Deux: And such a hyptnotic voice...
Every single character sighs wistfully in unison, and Midgar finds herself joining them.
Midgar: I am sensing a definite story here...
Nuriko: (giggling) Totally! Kunzaito-Cassanova-Sama, or something like that...
The room falls silent, everyone staring dreamily into space. After about six or seven minutes of motionless, Kunzite reappears, a sufficently pensive Zoicite latched onto his arm. He clears his throat, and no one notices.
Kunzite: (irritable) Are you people even awake?
Everyone jumps. The Nightmayre Castle cast and all the other characters who 'appeared' to testify vanish into thin air.
Sephiroth: (managing not to look flushed) Oh, hi there, Kunzaito-sama.
Midgar: (stammering slightly) The Platinum Prima Donnas fic has been scrapped, I'm afraid.
Kunzite: My apologies, Midgar-sama, for wasting your time. (He bows.)
Midgar: (giggling slightly) Oh, it was no real problem, Kunzaito-sama. We came up with a better idea anyway.
Kunzite: (arching one perfectly sculpted white brow) Oh?
Midgar: Hai. I don't know if will really fit at my archive, but I think I will try to write it anyway. A Renaissance Man sort of tale...
Kunzite: I look forward to any services I can offer you, Midgar-sama.
Midgar: (blushing) Thank you, Kunzaito-sama.
Kunzite: Do you, by any chance, have a title picked out yet?
Midgar: (musing) Well, in the first draft, I think I'm going to call it Shittenou Joutensei.
Kunzite: (smirking slightly, a twinkle of knowing smugness in his eyes) Fascinating...
Nuriko, Duo, and Deux: Hoo hah!
~shuuen~
Author's note: In case you didn't get the joke, its probably because 'Joutensei' is a title I coined myself. 'Jouten-' is a Japanese prefix for "god of" and 'sei' is slang for "sex."
