A long time ago, in a dining room far, far away…
There were three fanfic authors with entirely too much time on their hands.
Gomen Minna
another god-awful anime Star Wars parody
by Kai Valentine, Midgar V, and C W Nuriko
Rebel Space Ship, Degima System
"We’re doomed." The feminine, red-metal android looked down at her spiky-headed black companion with wide, unblinking metallic eyes that bore a startling resemblance to sunglasses.
"Huh? How do you know that?" he spluttered. "We don’t even know where we are, how did we get to be doomed?"
"… Woman’s intuition," she growled. "Or maybe its that patrol of Imperial Sailor Troopers that blew the door open a minute ago!"
"You mean the rainbow-colored babe squad? They didn’t look so bad to me…" Carrot-D2 smirked wickedly. "In fact, I was gonna wheel right over there and…"
He was cut off as 3Tira-P0 pulled a mallet out of her cloak and whacked him over the head. "You HENTAI! They want to see us made into scrap metal!"
He rubbed his head. "But such a way to die…"
Suddenly he saw a cloaked figure beckoning to him, and while 3Tira was worrying over the Sailor Troopers, he followed the figure into a dark corner…
Tattooine: Skywalker Ranch
"Marron! Marron!"
"Coming, Uncle Nephrite!" Marron Skywalker headed toward the voice, trying to figure out how the heck he had wound up in the middle of the desert, and exactly when he had acquired an uncle named after a rock. I must be in another fan-fiction… The beautiful Sorcerer Hunter mused, taking in the tall, wavy haired man without much interest.
"Yes, Uncle?" he asked, retaining his cool demeanor effortlessly.
Nephrite looked him over. He proceeded to walk around Marron in a circle, then look him over again. Leaning close, he whispered, "Fanfic?" and managed not to look too mortified when he received an affirmative response. "Ugh…"
"Marron, I need you to go out and find a wandering pack of droid merchants, we need two new ones." Nephrite said, wondering how this could work.
Marron nodded, not even sweat-dropping, and wandered off into the blinding sand to do as he was told.
Fairly quickly, he found a caravan of Jawas, who just happened to have two droids for sale, the exact models he needed. They looked oddly familiar, and the smaller, black one glomped him, beeping wildly. The red one sweat-dropped, then introduced herself, wondering why she wasn’t recognized.
"I am 3Tira-P0, human cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, Carrot-D2. Ugh. Why do we always get the lame roles in these fics, Marron? It isn’t fair!"
Now it was Marron’s turn to sweatdrop. "I have no idea… Older brother, you’re embarrassing yourself." Carrot-D2 straightened sulkily then bleeped to 3Tira.
The red android sighed, feeling rather put out. "Carrot says that he has a message for a Obi Wan Kunzaito, a resident of these parts. Do you know him?"
"Obi Wan Kunzaito… No, can’t say as I do. Though maybe Uncle Nephrite has an idea…" Marron looked around expectantly.
Right on cue, Nephrite popped out from behind a rock. "He means the Ice Lord, Kunzite. He’s kind of a crazy old hermit, though don’t you dare tell him I said that. Go west and watch out for fic youma… Don’t want you poor kids in more of a crossover than you’re already stuck in." With that, Nephrite disappeared, presumably to go eat a chocolate parfait with Naru or some such thing.
Obi Wan Kunzaito’s Hermitage
Carrot-D2 had to be smacked quite a few times with the mallet before he could call up the message. By the time the tiny, flame haired creature appeared in a hologram before them, 3Tira was about ready to throw off her cloak and go crazy. The tiny man pushed back the hood of his blue cloak and smiled a fanged little grin.
"Kunzaito-shogun-sama," he said, his voice cheerful, despite a twinge of fear. "Years ago you served my elder brother during the Great War. The Alliance once again needs your help. I have secured the plans to the Imperial Moondust Ball in this droid. I need you to deliver him safely to our headquarters on my home planet of Alderaan. Help me, Obi Wan Kunzaito-sama. You’re my only hope."
He bent down, and the message blinked, then came back on. He was pulling his cloak back up. "Damn you, Nuriko!" he swore. "I can’t believe that baka fairy made me switch roles with him over a bachiatari pair of leather pants! Ugh! Me, a princess! Che! This is ludicrous! Chikusho! He owes me so f*%&#g bad!" With this note, the message ended, as Carrot-D2 had fallen over laughing and stopped recording it.
Kunzite watched the snickering black droid without a flicker of emotion. He then turned to 3Tira. "What happened to the ship carrying the young man?" he asked her.
"We were attacked by an imperial cruiser. Its commander was a strange bishounen who laughed at everything. He was dressed all in black and carrying a helmet under one arm. The Sailor Troopers kept trying to convince him to put it on, but he said he didn’t want to mess up his hair."
Kunzite nodded solemnly. "Darth Sakura."
Marron sighed. "Well, now what does the author want us to do?"
Kunzite looked at him sideways. "Hire a pilot and try to go to Alderaan. Haven’t you done this before?"
"Probably. But I’ve been in a lot of fictions, they tend to blur together in my head."
"Lucky you."
Mos Eisley Spaceport
Kunzite looked over the city and sighed. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." The Ice Lord smirked slightly, muttering, "Lucas obviously never visited the Dark Kingdom…"
Marron, 3Tira, and Carrot followed after the heavily robed Ice Lord, who led them past a bunch of Sailor Troopers. The girls were off duty and stuffing their faces full of ice cream, so they didn’t even notice the two androids they had been assigned to find. At the local cantina, Kunzite started making inquiries while Marron glanced about, trying to project a cool aura so no one would mess with him. He was relieved when Kunzite came back, though a bit daunted by the hulking mass of muscles behind him.
"Gateau-baka here is the first mate on a ship which can get us to Alderaan."
"He would be," Marron muttered, as the blond grinned and began flexing.
"Hi, Marron!" he nearly shouted, grinning widely. "Fancy meeting you here! And in a fan-fic, no less!" The hentai look in Gateau’s eyes was unmistakable… he was praying for a lemon.
Well, if I don’t go near him, THEY can’t make me do anything with him… Marron reasoned, immediately putting a good seven feet between himself and the posing dolt.
"C’mon, I’ll introduce you to the pilot!"
Gateau led them over to a table where a beautiful person of indiscriminate gender was drinking a glass of champagne. Swirling orbs of green and brown gazed up at Marron lazily from beneath a curtain of lavender-scented, dark purple bangs.
"Marron Gl- um uh, Skywalker, Obi Wan Kunzaito, this is Captain Ryuuen Solo of the Millennium Phoenix."
Ryuuen smiled and nodded in greeting, then waved for them to take a seat. "So, I hear you fellas are lookin’ ta go ta Alderaan." The voice was soft and sweet, but clearly masculine. "Well, it’s gonna cost ya. There’s Imperial Sailors all over the damned place, and I got the best damned smuggling ship in this part of the galaxy."
"Does she have hyperdrive?" Kunzite asked, unimpressed.
"Does she have hyperdrive?" Ryuuen snorted. "You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of the Millenium Phoenix?"
"Should we have?" Marron retorted, arching a perfectly sculpted onyx brow.
"She’s the ship that made the Castellian Run in 3.2 parsecs."
"Oushikuso!" Marron exclaimed. "No ship is that fast."
"Believe what you want, she’s the best." Ryuuen shrugged. He leaned forward to Marron, looking slightly out of it. "What in the heck are we talking about?" he murmured.
"I have no idea."
Space, Where Alderaan Should Be
"Where are we?" Marron shouted as they clanged through the asteroid field.
"How should I know?" Ryuuen snarled. "The Nava-computer says this should be it! If we ain’t found Alderaan, it must not be here!"
Kunzite sighed. "They must have gotten to it with their new weapon."
Gateau paled. "You don’t mean…"
"I’m afraid so. Emperor Mamoru and Darth Sakura unleashed the DiC cannon and dubbed Alderaan right out of existence!" Kunzite was nearly shaken.
Marron and Ryuuen fell back against their chairs in pure horror. 3Tira and Carrot busied themselves trying to use the computer to steer the ship out of the rubble of what was once Alderaan.
"We can’t grieve for long… They still have one even worse weapon against the Alliance."
"The Princess!" Marron exclaimed.
Ryuuen snorted and choked on a giggle.
"Hai, Princess Tasuki Genrou is very important to the Rebellion." Kunzite said solemnly. "We must save him."
"Yeah, I guess we should do that…" Gateau-baka said, nodding. Ryuuen was busy trying not to fall out of his chair with snickering.
Aboard the Imperial Moondust Ball
Princess Tasuki struggled against Colonel Usagi’s grip on his neck. "Let me go, you dumpling headed wench!" he snarled.
"What is the location of the rebel base?" Colonel Usagi asked for the ten thousandth time, shoving another spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. This cold-headache torture had been going on for three days, and she didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
A voice spoke up from the doorway.
"Perhaps another mode of persuasion would work better, Colonel."
Usagi bowed, stepping away and allowing Tasuki to breathe freely. Darth Sakura approached the half-carbonite princess slowly, grinning. He lifted his hand to a switch on his chest… the one marked, "North American Version." Tasuki’s eyes filled with horror as the Sakura flipped the switch… and began to giggle.
Colonel Usagi hit the floor with a loud thunk and a yelp, causing the black-clad, sniggering, gender-confused bishounen to turn around. Ryuuen glared at him, clad in a purple Sailor Trooper uniform, followed by Marron in a blue and gold one. Tasuki stared at his would-be rescuers with bleary eyes.
"Who are you?" he asked, before Darth Sakura could ask the same.
"I'm Marron Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you," the mage announced.
"Huh?"
"We're here with Kunzaito-sama, come on!" Ryuuen snapped, pushing the buttons that loosed Tasuki from his partial carbonite prison and catching the red head as he fell, coughing, from the braces.
"Kunzaito-sama?" Darth Sakura's eyes lit up. "Where is he?"
"He's outside," Ryuuen answered without thinking. "Geeze, Gen-chan, what'd they do to ya?"
"He…" Tasuki managed to choke out between coughs, "Was torturing me with some kinda hideous dub laughter, worse than Chichiri's 'Ya Know' thing. At least I think it's a he…"
"Hey!" Zoicite exclaimed angrily. "You dirty, foul-mouthed, fanged freak! I oughtta… Oof!"
Darth Sakura was silenced by a hard punch to his jaw from Captain Solo. "Shut up, you annoying little hermaphrodite! Nobody tortures my friends! And nobody, but nobody talks to Tasuki like that but me! Got it?" Ryuuen's eyes were burning slits.
Tasuki smiled at him for a second, amber eyes sparkling with admiration, then shook his head hard and resumed a pissed-off face, gathering himself off the floor.
"KUNZAITO-SAMAAAAAAAA!" Zoicite howled, running out into the hall clutching his injured face.
Not wanting to waste time and get caught by the Sailor Troopers, the three guys stepped over the knocked-out, drooling Colonel Usagi and headed back to the docking bay as fast as they could.
After the Break In
Ryuuen shoved past them all, half-diving into his seat and firing up the engines.
"I can’t believe Kunzaito-sama f*%&#g dumped us for Darth Sakura!" Tasuki snarled, sitting next to Ryuuen in Gateau’s seat.
"It was rather startling…" Marron agreed, fastening his seat belt.
"Not really." Gateau said. "Don’t you guys read doujinshi? They’re like, the most awesome yaoi villains in anime." He buckled himself in the second passenger seat, next to Marron.
"Duh." Ryuuen agreed, blasting a hole in the side of the Moondust Ball and flying the ship out, quickly shifting into hyperspeed to escape the DiC cannon.
Tasuki looked over his shoulder at Marron, and they both shrugged dismissively.
"Okay, now that that’s been explained…" Tasuki muttered, turning towards Ryuuen and raising his voice to a shout. "What’s the big f*%&#g idea with making me be the f*%&#g PRINCESS?! There’s gotta be more to it than the wardrobe, that was f*%&n’ obvious!"
Ryuuen turned to the upset bandit with a grin and patted his cheek. "I wanted you to see how it feels to be tormented for being the femme one, Gen-chan. I like to go all heroic and macho sometimes. ‘Sides, I saw the way you looked at me when I punched out Darth Sakura for you. Admit it! You’re crazy about me, ain’tcha, Princess?" He winked suggestively.
Tasuki blinked, blushed, and shut up, turning his full attention to the suddenly fascinating control panel. Even Gateau didn’t quite know what to make of this, and he turned towards the window pensively.
Marron sunk down in his chair, a sweatdrop the size of Texas painting his forehead. He looked out into the stars and saw the three authors, laughing their silly asses off as they went for out ice cream.
Thank God… he thought. It’s over.
He closed his eyes and waited to wake up back on Spooner, praying they wouldn’t write about him again for a long, long time…
Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to their respective creators, not us. We just wanted to throw 'em all into a blender and see what would happen. The people who came up with Fushigi Yuugi own Nuriko and Tasuki; the Sailor Moon people own the Scouts, Usagi, Mamoru, Nephrite, Zoicite, and Kunzite; and the Sorcerer Hunters people own Marron, Carrot, Tira, and Gateau. Star Wars and all its junk are intellectual copyright George Lucas, obviously. DiC is the company that did the North American dub of Sailor Moon, turning Zoicite into a girl and giving him a hideous laugh. We, uh, kinda hate those guys, as we're all Zoi fans. The title, "Gomen Minna," is Japanese for 'Sorry, Everybody.' We apologise for our poor joke. But then again, if you didn't think it was funny… Let's see you write a better one!
:P -Kai, Mid, & Nuri
