********************
Told from Hikari’s POV. Contains lime, angst, and plenty of language. Be
forewarned!
********************
I thought he was mine.
I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. I thought we would be
together for…well, quite a long time. I thought he was smart enough to know
the difference between right and wrong. I thought that no one would ever
come between us.
I had never been more wrong in my life.
The word crying could not begin to describe what I did after he told me how
he and Daisuke had…
They had fucked.
He was drunk, he had said. He didn’t know any better. He didn’t mean to hurt
me. He begged my forgiveness, and promised it wouldn’t happen again.
Mistakes were made.
Bullshit.
I had thrown him out of my room, out of my life. After what he did to me, I
was ready to write off love forever.
I couldn’t remember much after he left. My heart had been ripped out of my
chest and smashed into a million pieces. All I could do was cry. If I tried
to do anything, I was reminded of him, and it just reopened the wounds that
I had sought to drown in tears. Eventually, I was just too tired to shed
tears anymore. I picked myself up off of my bed and drifted into the
kitchen. I looked at the clock. It was 6 – I had been in there for four
hours.
“Hey, Hikari. You were in there a long time, and Mom and I were getting
worried.” I could barely make out a brown-and-blue blur lying on the couch,
which had to be Taichi. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. My voice was
hoarse from sobbing, and my eyes were swollen to the point where I was
finding it hard to see. He got up and walked over to me. “If you need
anything, I’m here for you. Want to talk about it?”
I knew Tai meant well, but all he did was spark a fresh outburst from me.
Tears popped into my eyes and I could feel my throat begin to constrict
again. He immediately took me into his arms and I cried against his
shoulder.
“Hikari, gomen…”
Hikari, gomen, I didn’t mean to hurt you…
Another memory brought back. For the first time, my brother’s shoulder
wasn’t a comfort to me anymore. I was beyond the point where mere sympathy
could help me. With all of my remaining willpower I managed to dam the flow
of tears. I felt Tai gently extricate himself from me and guide me to the
kitchen table.
“Hikari, you were in there for a long time, you must be hungry. There are
some leftovers from dinner, I’ll heat ‘em up for you.”
I ate mechanically, my mind still in shock over the day’s events. I finished
off the food and washed it down with a glass of water. Tai sat across from
me, concern in his voice.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
I tried to speak again, and this time my voice came out. It was barely a
whisper, though, and Tai had to lean in to hear it.
“Takeru and I are…”
I wanted to say, “finished.” I desperately wanted to get past that boy and
move on with my life, find someone else who wouldn’t shatter my heart like
he did.
“…we’re having trouble.”
Something inside me wouldn’t allow me let go of him. A tiny voice screamed
inside my head not to just give up. It was a very small part of me, and yet
I couldn’t ignore it either. I had learned from experience that sometimes
that little part of your conscience could save you from yourself.
However, I was not about to simply welcome him back into my heart again.
“Hikari?”
I had been lost in my train of thought that I didn’t realize Tai was talking
to me.
“Oh…gomen, oniisan. I was thinking.”
“Never mind. What are you going to do now?”
“I am completely drained,” I replied. “I’m going to shower and go to sleep.”
“What about Takeru?”
That was something I was not yet ready to answer.
My bed offered less comfort than Tai’s shoulder did. I tossed and turned for
hours before I began to doze, and even then my sleep was fitful. I couldn’t
take my mind off of Takeru and what he had done. All at once, I was angry,
heartbroken, and confused. My mind raced, trying to find a solution to the
problem. I knew I couldn’t just let him come back to me, apologize, and
continue where we left off. But I knew that part of this whole problem was
my fault. I had let my anger and sarcasm take me over, and I threw him out
of my room without letting him explain his side. Of course, I had every
right to do so, but I realized that I couldn’t do something about the
problem without seeing where he was coming from.
I certainly could have used some of Takeru’s natural optimism and hope right
then. I resolved to go over to his house and talk to him, just the two of
us. I had to know his reason for getting “involved” with Daisuke, and I also
had to know why he had decided to tell me about it. Maybe then I could make
a final decision to try and work out the problem or leave him for good.
After that, I slept.
* * *
I woke up late the next morning. It was a Saturday, and I knew that Takeru
would be home alone, since his mom was working all day. Tai padded into my
room and gently shook me.
“Wake up, sleepyhead!”
I groaned and looked at the clock. 9 AM.
“Why didn’t you get me up earlier?” I muttered.
“I figured you’d want to sleep in. You were tossing and turning most of last
night. Breakfast is ready, by the way.”
I felt relatively good. My feelings of anger and sadness had been replaced
with anxiety. I was scared about what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure
what my reaction would be to whatever he was going to say.
“Good morning, Hikari,” Mom said. “How are you?”
“Okay, I guess. I’m going over to Takeru’s today,” I admitted.
“Really? I thought you had a misunderstanding the other day.”
“It was more than a misunderstanding. I need to talk with him. That’s all
there is to it.” I closed off the subject, and the conversation turned to
other topics. I didn’t contribute unless asked a question, my mind wandering
yet again. Automatically I shoveled food into my mouth, still unable to
enjoy the meal, still fixated on Takeru and myself.
I took a long, leisurely shower, temporarily forgetting life’s problems,
losing myself in the warmth and steam. I was almost sorry to end it. Then I
changed, brushed my teeth, and went into my room.
I found my favorite picture of the two of us together on our computer. It
was taken a while ago, and it brought tears to my eyes just looking at it.
He was in a tux, and I was in a purple dress that Tai had picked out just
for that occasion. It was the night of the school’s Christmas dance. We
never did make it to the school, but we did get our picture taken in front
of a beautiful moonlit, snow-covered field. For some reason, though, the
picture didn’t make me unhappy; it reminded me of how beautiful and unique
our relationship was, and how much it meant to me and to him. I looked at it
for a moment, and decided to print it. I drew strength from the memories it
brought back, and I assured myself that no matter what happened, everything
would turn out all right in the end.
Carefully, I folded up the paper into my shorts pocket and, calling a
goodbye to my mom and Tai, walked towards Takeru’s apartment.
* * *
For what seemed like an eternity I stood in the hallway containing Takeru’s,
trying to gather up the courage to walk up and knock. Finally, I nerved
myself and walked towards the doorway.
Right away I could sense something was amiss. The door was unlocked and
ajar, but the lights in the living room were off. I carefully stepped inside
the doorway, shutting it behind me.
“Hello?”
No one responded. I could hear soft crying, and realized that it was Takeru.
“Takeru?”
“Hikari…” He was sobbing uncontrollably. “Pl-please…go…away.”
I followed the sound of his voice into the hall. The bathroom door was
closed.
“Takeru, we need to talk.” I tried to keep my voice level, but just hearing
him crying was enough to bring tears to my eyes.
“No. I can’t. N-not now, not anymore. I wish things had turned out
different, Hikari, but I can’t change history…”
That was it. I needed to see him, to make sure he was all right, and to talk
to him. I opened the bathroom door.
His face was tear-stained and his eyes had bags under them, indicating a
lack of sleep. His clothes were dirty and torn and his hair was unkempt; he
hadn’t changed them since he was at my house the previous day.
A bloodied razor blade fell to the ground from his nerveless fingers. I
could only stare in horror at it.
Two thin red lines on his wrists oozed bright red blood.
“Oh…God.”
My first instinct was to try and cover his wounds, and the only thing my
panicked mind could think of was the picture in my pocket. I tore it up and
dabbed at the blood coming from his wrists, searching for bandages in the
medicine cabinet.
“Hikari…I just…couldn’t live with thought of going on without you…knowing
what I did,” he said weakly, between sobs. “So I thought…that this…would be
the only solution.”
“No…Takeru, why did you do this to yourself?” I was crying now as I tried to
wrap his wounds.
“Because…you said you wanted me out of your life.”
“Takeru…this is my fault.”
I caught him as he staggered and helped him out into the living room, where
I called for an ambulance. I was beginning to get hysterical.
“No…it isn’t. It’s mine…I should have had the common sense to find out what
the alcohol was…before I drank it. If I had…this wouldn’t have happened.”
“But it was my fault for letting my anger take over,” I admitted. Tears
streamed down both of our faces. “I shouldn’t have been so quick to condemn
you for what you did.” I knew he was losing blood fast. “And now, I might
lose you forever.”
“Hikari…I want you to know that I still love you.”
With what could have been his dying breath, he told me he loved me. At that
moment, I lost it completely. My tears were now falling uncontrollably, and
he weakly tried to wipe them off with his hand. He smiled at me for a
moment, the color from his face draining but his eyes more alive than I had
ever seen them. I held him close to me for a moment, and whispered in his
ear.
“Takeru…please, don’t leave me!”
No sooner had I spoken than paramedics came into the room, stretcher at the
ready. I prayed that they had not come too late; then everything went black.
Return To: Yaoi Fanfic Main
Email The Author: Dareru