(SABRINA enters in a fancy black MC dress, carrying several notecards and a microphone)
Sabrina: Ladies and gentlemen, uncles and aunts, cross-eyed hoboes and bowlegged ants: I come before you to stand behind you and tell you of something I know nothing about....
Van: (Offstage) Get to the point!
Sabrina: Don't have a coronary. I'm setting mood. Now, then...I should warn everyone that these parodies are rather weird, random, bizarre, strange, kinky, very sex-oriented, and contain more than a little anti-Allen aspects.
Allen: (Offstage) Hey!
Sabrina: If you have a heart condition, are pregnant or nursing, or simply cannot handle such weird wild stuff, you may want to stop reading now. I mean it, stop. Stop reading. If you don't stop, I'll be forced to go after you with a pitchfork....
Van: (Offstage) I'm getting tired of waiting!
Sabrina: Sheesh. Anywho, if you are a fan of Allen's, don't read this. Definitely don't. In fact, go and beat yourself over the head with a blunt object right now. Thank you. Now, Sabrina-that's me-and the cast of Escaflowne will now present....(drum roll) CinderCelena! (The cast enters, minus HITOMI). Hey, where's shrieky girl?
Celena: Whining because she's not the star.
Sabrina. Oh, well. Casting time! Oh, and costuming, as well.
Allen: (Suspicious) I'm not sure I want to know what my costume is...I've seen your closet.
Sabrina; Thankfully, from far enough away that you couldn't get into it. Now, anyway, playing the roll of the King and Queen of the kingdom are.... Milerna and Dryden!
Milerna&Allen: WHAT?
Sabrina: (Waggles a finger) Ah-ah-ah...I can always make you two the step siblings.
Dryden: (Leaning against MILERNA) A match made in heaven, right?
Milerna: Get off of me or I'll file a restraint suit.
Sabrina: Costumes! (HITOMI enters as MILERNA is suddenly clothed in a white dress with a full skirt that brushes the ground, sleeves reaching to her wrists with puffy sleeves, and a collar that goes up to just under her chin)
Milerna: What the....I can't breathe in this thing, it's stifling!
Sabrina: You're the queen now. Can't have you being more sexy than CinderCelena, now, can I?
Milerna: I look like my grandmother!
Van: Is that a bad thing? She didn't wear pink. (SABRINA claps her hands and DRYDEN is in a black suit reminiscent of 1800's French royalty. He shrugs, no comment)
Sabrina: As the evil step-father....hey, creative license, I don't have to have it a stepmother....Folken! (FOLKEN suddenly is in a black suit that is inanely extravagant and looks just awful...it stretches across the shoulders and is far too tight)
Folken: (Choking) Air....air....
Sabrina: (Ignoring him) As the step siblings, may I present....(claps and HITOMI and VAN are in identically-styled blue outfits. HITOMI's has sleeves that touch her ears and is cut down to her bra, and has a huge pouf in the rear-VAN's is almost identical to FOLKEN's) Van and Hitomi!
Hitomi: Ewww....
Van: Um, wait a second....my brother is supposed to be my father, and my girlfriend is now my sister?
Sabrina: That's correct.
Van: Isn't that like, illegal?
Sabrina: Not in this fic!
Van: I get the idea this is going to be a very incest-oriented parody.
Sabrina: Okay, that's enough from you. (VAN scowls) As the fairy godmother.....
Merle: (Interrupts) Me! AM I right? I'm right! It's me!
Sabrina: Hey, I'm the narrator here!
Merle: So what? I'm the fairy! Do I get wings? I like Van-samma's wings, I want ones like those!
Sabrina: (Glaring) I was getting to that....(Claps and MERLE is in a yellows ball gown with fairy wings that reach from her ears to her ankles vertically)
Merle: But I want wings like Van's!!!!!!!!!
Sabrina: You are SO much easier to please in my pokemon fics.
Merle: And?
Sabrina: Just study this. (Throws her a book) I like my shows to be live, so you'd better learn how to do the required spells quick.
Van: Merle doing spells?
Hitomi: I don't think that's such a good idea...
Sabrina: No whining. Only I may complain. As the handsome and gallant... (snorts) yeah,right....Prince, we have Allen!
Everyone but Allen: WHAT?
Allen: All right!
Sabrina: Don't ask. I was out of guys. (Claps)
Allen: (Looks down) Hey, how come my costume hasn't changed?
Sabrina: It was bad enough. You look perfect with your tasteless parents over there.
Milerna: but you picked out the costumes.....
Sabrina: And finally, the star of the show....the Princess Celena! (CELENA skips on in a thin white cotton dress with lace and bows) Oh, no no no.... this will never do. (Claps, and the bows tear off and the dress turns dirty)
Celena: Phooey. (Crosses her arms and sits, staring at nothing)
Van: Can she even make it through the performance without acting totally stoned?
Merle: (Mumbling) Princesses....fire bright and light red....
Sabrina: Um, Merle? Wrong spell. Try the next one.
Merle: (Slams the book closed) I'm bored. Let's start.
Allen: Wait! Before we do, I have a question....I looked ahead in my script, and it mentions kissing...and well, Celena IS my...
Sabrina: (Jumps in) Our story begins a long long time ago, in the days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren't invented...
Merle: (Waves her little wand) Destructo vocales story! (The cards in SABRINA's hand disappear)
Sabrina: My jokes!
Merle: I don't like your jokes. I'm going to get rid of that book of yours.
Sabrina: (Sighs) Well, anyway....long ago, once upon a time, blah-de-blah and all of that, there was a young girl named Celena.
Celena: (Waves) Hi!
Van: (Snickers) Isn't she always?
Sabrina: I'm telling a story, here! Shut up! Now, then....Celena's father had died when she was young, and after her mother remarried, she passed away, leaving her in the care of her wicked stepfather and two wicked step siblings.
Folken: (Mutters) It's always the evil Folken, isn't it? It's never, "Heroic Folken who saved the day and got himself killed in the process," or, "Folken, who was responsible for bringing peace to Gaea," or....
Van: Folken..I mean, Dad...shut up.
Sabrina: Thank you, V-Evil Stepbrother. Now, as I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted....her new step family was so mean, they even changed her name to CinderCelena because of all the soot in her clothes.
Folken: (Muttering)From all the various fires she'd set in a different life.
Van: (At the same time) From all the kingdoms her alter-ego razed to the ground.
Celena: (Looks up, suddenly interested) What?
Sabrina: EVERYONE SHUT UP OR I'LL BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING EVIL!!!!!
Milerna: You mean this isn't?
Hitomi: What could you possibly do that's worse than this?
Sabrina: I could have my little brother come in and start writing.
Cast: (Sighing) Fine!
Sabrina: Thank you. Well, CinderCelena's step family was exceptionally cruel...she was used to the pampered lifestyle of a baroness...
Folken: Or a spoiled fighting captain with no reign on his mouth...(MERLE sticks a claw into his arm and he shuts up)
Sabrina:...And they made her do all these icky chores. I identify, my parents one time left me alone with this horrible baby sitter when I was seven and she made me change my brother's diapers and cook dinner and...
Cast: GET TO THE STORY!!!!
Sabrina: (Pouts) No one sympathizes. Alas, poor me.
Celena: It's supposed to be poor me.
Sabrina: Oh, right. When we find CinderCelena, she is fifteen, growing to be exceptionally beautiful with long blonde curls...er, fashionably short blonde curls....and blue eyes. People would've marveled at her could they have seen her, but her family kept her so busy with chores she could never fully wash off the dirt from the days' toils.
Dryden: They also might've commented on how much she looked like the prince, with his long blonde hair and blue eyes...(SABRINA glares and he silences)
Van: Seems you got it reversed, Sabrina. The princess is supposed to have the long hair.
Allen: You're just jealous.
Van: I feel only pity for you.
Sabrina: Okay,. I'll stop this. It's too anti-Allen already...is that possible? Well, to continue....Celena, you're line?
Celena: Huh?
Hitomi: Oh, let us handle it. CinderCelena, you promised to go get me a new dress today. And where's the mail? I'm expecting an important date invitation.
Van: You're dating?
Hitomi: yes, BROTHER. There's a ball at the castle soon. Prince Allen is choosing his wife, and I hope...(sighs) that he'll choose me.
Van: (Looking at SABRINA) You have GOT to be kidding. I'm not going along with that!
Sabrina: Hey, I could make it so you two are dating in the story, too..while still being related.
Milerna: Ewwwwww.
Hitomi: So shut up, Van. It's in the script. So, brother, what shall we wear? CinderCelena, get me my ball gown!
Van: Um, Sis? I think that is your ball gown.
Hitomi: Oh. Well, fetch us the coach.
Folken: Oh, and we're not letting you come. It's for nobles only, not a soiled little kitchen-brat like you.
Allen: (Muttering) Next time someone calls my sister a brat, I'm killing something.
Celena: Um...wait....I can't find the page...
Van: You say, "Oh, woe is me, for...."
Sabrina: IT'S NOT YOUR LINE!!!!!!!!!
Celena: Found it! Oh, woe is me, for I have not a single way to meet the fair and handsome prince Allen....Allen is right, I'm calling my own brother the love of my life! Ick!
Allen: Hey!
Sabrina: Stick to the script.
Celena: Oh, if only I had a guardian angel or something to save me and give me a chance to get away from my cruel step family and meet the lovely Allen. I only want to see him, just go out for one night....Merle, your cue.
Merle: (Appears in a puff of smoke) Here I am! (Squeals) I changed my wings, now they're like Van's! Aren't they pretty?
Everyone but Merle: MERLE!!!!!
Merle: Oh, yeah...Fear not, CinderCelena, for I am your fairy godmother, who watched over you and I have come to let you out of this prison for one night to see the love of your life! (Smiling evilly) Or do you want to do more than see him?
Sabrina: Okay, that's too sick even for me!
Van: Cut it out, Merle, and stick to what's written, or no kitty treats when we get home.
Merle: But Van-sammma...
Sabrina: I AM GETTING REALLY IMPATIENT!
Hitomi: You know, Sabrina-san, this could be a sign that you shouldn't be putting this on....or at east, you should be casting us correctly. I mean, two brothers as father and son, the step-sibs dating, the princess and the prince are related, and a cat as a fairy godmother...
Sabrina: It's called creative license, now shut up please. Merle?
Celena: It's my line, but....Oh please, fairy godmoth-fairy godMerle, can you really help me? I so wish to see the prince tonight...I'll do anything!
Merle: Anything?
Sabrina: Meooooooow-Mix.....
Merle: (Sighs) Then fetch me....(Riffles through the script)A pumpkin, some mice, and a rat? Forget it, I'll do it on my own! (There's a flash, and CELENA is in a fluffy white ball gown standing next to a round white carriage with a white horse) (Astonished) Wow...that worked really good!
Celena: Oh, thank you fairy godMerle, but...well, what did you make those out of?
Merle: Nothing. They're figments.
Cast: What?
Merle: Of my imagination. Anyhow, go on! Get in! You've got about ten minutes before that preening prince of yours locks the gates to keep out solicitors!
Celena: Can we change these to pink?
Merle: Go! Now!
Celena: (Gets in the carriage and rides off) Thank you again!
Sabrina: Great! Now...cut to the palace, everyone!
Merle: Ummm....Sabrina? I think we've got a problem....
Sabrina: We don't have time, Merle...the next scene is coming up across town, and we need to be there!
Merle: I forgot to give the midnight warning.
Sabrina: Oh? That's it? NO problem, we can work around that.
Merle: I also used the wrong spell.
Sabrina: (Screams) WHAT?
Merle: I mixed up some words...that part where it's supposed to go, "a carriage made for a beautiful flight?" I think I said another word, instead of flight.
Sabrina: Don't tell me! I don't want to know! (Covers ears) See no evil, hear no evil! If I don't hear it, it won't happen! (Sings loudly)
Merle: (Screams in her ear) I said "fire" instead! What's that going to do at midnight? (SABRINA runs off still singing, and MERLE follows) Hey! What's going to happen?
Allen: (Sighs) Alas, this ball is a cause for sorrow, for while others rejoice at my return, I despair of having to choose my bride this eve. (Smiles falsely as HITOMI approaches) Good evening, my lady....
Hitomi: I am the Lady Hitomi, daughter of Baron Folken and his late wife. I'm so very pleased to meet you, Prince Allen!
Van: Oh, jeez...shoot me, why dontcha?
Allen: Lovely to meet you, Lady Hitomi. The pleasure is all mine. (He kisses her hand and she blushes)
Van: Allen, keep your hands off her!
Allen: Damn...and my part requires me to hate her! Damn, damn, damn...
Milerna: Language, Allen, dear.
Dryden: I think our son may have found a match, don't you agree, my sweet?
Milerna: (Slaps him) It's his choice.
Hitomi: (Mutters) And the queen's in love with her own son. What next?
Van: You kissing Allen?
Cast: Ewwww....(Trumpets sound and CELENA enters)
Allen: (Stands) My heart! What beauty do I see....oh, dear Lord, this is disgusting...an angel stands before me! Sweet vision, I give my heart to thee!
Celena: Eww..... (Walks over and bows) Prince Allen, I am pleased to meet you.
Allen: Yeah, okay....got a name?
Van: Oh, that's regal!
Hitomi: Shhhhh! Just because you're the real royalty here doesn't mean you can spoil this! The less we complain, the quicker we're done!
Allen: Sweet lady, may I have this dance?
Celena: Do I have a choice? Ahem...I would love to, your Highness.
Van: Dis-gusting...that's too close for comfort.
Hitomi: That's odd...considering they're standing as far apart as possible.
Van: Knowing Allen, he'd want to be closer.
Milerna: Allen's not that perverted!
Van, Hitomi, Folken, and Dryden: Yes he is! (The clock begins to strike twelve, and SABRINA and MERLE dash in)
Sabrina: Stop! Allen, get away from....(Midnight arrives)
Celena: (Screams, and falls to the ground) YAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Allen: Celena! (Drops down to where she crouches) Are you....
Dilandau: (Shoves him away and stands) You again! (The CAST laughs) What's so funny?
Merle: Oops....(With a poof, DILANDAU's in armor instead of the dress)
Sabrina: (Snarls) Nice move, you dumb cat!
Van: Whoa! This wasn't in the script! Merle......
Hitomi: (Lunges at MERLE) Baka! What were you thinking?
Merle: But it's...it's Sabrina's fault! She wanted it live!
Cast minus Allen and Dilandau: (Whirls on SABRINA; ad lib) Beast!... What were you thinking?... How stupid can someone get?... Burn the witch!... Damn you, Sabrina!.... (etc)
Sabrina: Hey, chill! Merle was the one not memorizing the spell! (The CAST turns on MERLE again)
Merle: She was the one who couldn't just use special effects! (CAST turns on SABRINA)
Sabrina: Oh, cut that out or I'll write more! (CAST turns on MERLE)
Allen: Um, help? I don't have a sword here, and he's kind of killing me!
Sabrina: And?
Van: Oh, fine! (Dives at DILANDAU and restrains him, but he breaks free)
Dilandau: (Runs to the door) This is all your own fault, all of you! You'll be dead by morning! (Exits)
Milerna: I can't die! I'm too pretty....
Van: Oh, shut up!
Dryden: Well done, Allen. Can't even control your own relatives!
Milerna: You shut up!
Allen: Yeah! It's not my fault he's a complete nut case!
All except Allen and Milerna: Shut up NOW!
Sabrina: We just need to find him....except since we aren't going by the script, there's no glass slipper or anything like that to find him with...
Merle: Well, the carriage is gone, but there are these big footprints in the pavement....
Folken: You spelled the carriage, too? You mean that psychopath is running around in a guymelef?
Allen: Don't call my sister a psychopath!
Van: Didn't we tell you to shut up?
Merle: Oops. (Shrugs) Oh well. At least we can follow him now.
Hitomi: Wait! (Stands up, holding something) Look what I found!
Sabrina: What on earth...all right!
Cast minus Hitomi: What?
Sabrina: We've got a headband!
Folken: Oh, that's helpful!
Van: Who knows? It could be helpful!
Dryden: If we can lure him out with this, it could be very helpful!
Sabrina: Well, you've all got a creative vocabulary......come on, let's get going! (They run out, and within moments can see the red figure between the trees)
Allen: Hey! Dilandau! (Holds up he headband) Dropped something! (The guymelef lands suddenly near them)
Dilandau: (From inside) Give that back to me. Now.
Van: You might kill us before we get up there.
Dilandau: Probably. I kill a lot of people.
Folken: No kidding. (ALLEN drops it to the ground) Now, Dilandau...you can just come right on out of there and get it.
(DILANDAU exits the guymelef and walks over, picking up the band and putting it on. Then, he whips out his sword and dives at VAN)
Van: Ack! Nice move, brother! Forget to mention (DILANDAU pushes it closer to his neck) (Choking) the sword!
Dilandau: You're all stupider than I thought. (To SABRINA) Who're you?
Sabrina: The director. Hey, would you mind following the script for a teensy bit, and then you can kill us all? (He laughs) Okay, okay! Sheesh. Spoilposrt.
Allen: (Dashes forward and stands just out of sword range) Celena...I know you're in there somewhere. Please, come back to us. Come back to me...
Hitomi: Told you he was perverted.
Sabrina: Shhh! This is gold! Roll tape! Roll tape!
Allen: (Keeps talking, advancing slowly as DILANDAU shakes, making the sword move so that it sounds like one of the weird ukeleles) Celena, please...you can overcome this. You did it before..remember the last time you were in that outfit? You came back to us then, you can do it now. I know you're in there. Come back, Celena.
Dilandau: Get away from me! Get away or I'll kill him!
Allen: (Puts and hand on DILANDAU's shoulder, and removes the headband) Celena, come back. I love you.
All except Allen and Dilandau: Ewwwwwww!
Allen: Not that way! (DILANDAU drops the sword, and covers his face, crying.)
Celena: (Looks up) What....I...Allen! (Flings her arms around him)
Sabrina: And....yes! Perfect! We've got it!
Hitomi: That is absolutely disgusting!
Sabrina: If it works, it works.
