The Latest Dirt Dish
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LOVE YOUR KIDS BY BEATING THEM LOL!!!!!
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Movie Talk
4:05 pm - Four things that could have improved The Matrix: Reloaded:
I'm not going to review this movie like I normally would, but instead, I'll point out a few ways the Wachowski Brothers could have improved the movie. Before that, I'll say this much about it:
While it wasn't the holocaust that was Star Wars: Episode I, it was a let down even if you had low expectations: packed full of "deep" philosophical notions, straight out of a Philosophy 101 class full of aging hippies with nappy haircuts. I hate to say it, but they some how managed to make fight scenes boring (something I didn't think was physically possible until I watched this movie--they were too long with no pay off, unless you consider Neo running away like a pussy in every scene climactic). I know most of you who liked this movie are probably reading this and saying "STUPID MADOX [sic]! YOU JUST DIDN'T GET IT." Oh no, I got it, it's just that once I got it, I didn't want it anymore. There are going to be websites popping up left and right trying to justify this movie, trying to rationalize everything, but there's one thing all these geeks are forgetting: just because a movie makes sense, doesn't mean it's good. There are plenty of movies that make sense, and are about as entertaining as a box of pig shit. So without further ado, here's how the movie could have been improved:
1. Replacing Keanu Reeves with a wooden plank with a mean face on it.
The subtle point here is the mean face: without it, Reeves would be on par with a wooden plank, except a bit more rigid. He approaches every scene with the steadfast determination of a moron running into a wall. I have a theory as to why Keanu's acting is so shitty: a long time ago when he "made it big" with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, a lot of people were probably trying to kiss his ass because he became a huge celebrity and people are shallow, so they have to fill their boring lives with trivial bullshit like clinging onto celebrities. Since then, he has surrounded himself by suck-ups, and everyone's too afraid to tell him that his acting sucks. It's never going to change, because Keanu (what kind of name is that anyway? Sounds like a foreign car company) keeps surrounding himself by suck-ups, so he'll keep making shitty movies forever. At least if they replaced him with a wooden plank, the plank would have an excuse to have the same stupid look on its face all the time.
2. I wouldn't have minded this movie so much if I would have remembered to bring my Game Boy Advance to the theater. At least then I could have practiced murdering vampires instead of being patronized by stupid bullshit about "causality." Good job you shrubs, you've managed to surface the underlying philosophy of just about every other movie in existence. Man I hate people.
3. A blow job.
Nothing fancy, just a good old fashioned pole polishing.
4. A time machine so you can go back in time and warn yourself not to see The Matrix: Reloaded.
Even if you disagree with everything bad I've said about this movie, there's one point I think everyone can agree on: Keanu Reeves' ass does not need to be seen, ever. Not only do they show you his pasty white ass, they do it in the most contemptible way possible: right after a titty scene. They try to trick you into popping a boner, then WHAM. Keanu's corn hole. There's an acceptable degree to how many times his ass can be shown in a movie, and that degree is either 0, or negative (negative means that Keanu Reeves' ass gets cut off, which would rule). On a side note, in case you get in an argument with a Matrix nerd cult member, the "Keanu's ass" argument always wins. It's like playing rock, paper, scissors and sucker punch to the throat. The sucker punch always wins. Don't believe me? Try it: next time a Matrix nerd starts rambling on about "Christological symbolism" and other geeky shit that nobody cares about, just say the magic words. I guarantee you'll either win the argument, or give the impression that you're an acute homophobe. Either way you win.. sort of.
People agree, Keanu's ass is best heard, not seen.
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5:03 pm - Two characters that were missing from the new Daredevil movie!!!:
It almost pains me to do this because the Daredevil character kicks ass, but this movie is a turd; not a pile of shit like you might be thinking, but more along the lines of a two-flush corn log. One thing you should always be able to count on in a comic book movie is a bad guy who kicks ass. In this movie we get a character called "Bullseye." Guess what he has on his forehead? A bull's-eye. Guess what his special power is? He can throw darts and hit bull's-eyes. That's stupid. Why not have a character called "The Raging Hardon" where the character is a boner, or a heroine called "Salad Tosser" where she, um.. tosses salad. If you're going for stupid, why not go all out? This has seriously got to be the dumbest "bad guy" in a movie since the gimpy dude from Panic Room (that dog shit movie with the obnoxious bigender kid and her mom, played by Jodie Foster, where they spend the whole two-hour duration of the movie hiding from a limping cripple... ooh the suspense).
The main bad guy in the movie was Kingpin, played by Michael Clarke Duncan. Am I the only one who thinks this guy looks too friendly to be a bad guy? Every time he came near Daredevil in the movie, it looked like he was going to give him a sloppy kiss. These "minor" issues aside though, the movie mostly blows. They spent all of 3 minutes on Daredevil's background, 45 minutes on a stupid fight scene between Daredevil and some random chick who was introduced so abruptly that she might as well have landed in the scene with a parachute. Then there was a 20 minute bar scene where Daredevil fights another random guy who had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Next thing you know Daredevil and the random chick were humping, some guy gets killed and then the movie ends. BORING.
What they really need to do is make a movie about the greatest comic book character of all time: Lobo. Not many people are familiar with Lobo because most people are lame and can't comprehend how much ass Lobo kicks. For example, the cover on the right depicts Lobo (also known as "the main man") kicking Santa's ass. Santa did something to piss Lobo off (or nothing, it makes no difference), and Lobo RUINED HIS SHIT. Lobo is a mean son of a bitch and doesn't take shit from anyone. If they made a movie about Lobo, it would start out with Lobo just sitting around looking at porn and minding his own business when some lame-ass comes by and starts nerding all over the place. Lobo takes his knife out and disembowels the guy while he's just standing there. The guy would start screaming because he's a pussy, then Lobo would reach down and rip the guy's lungs out. The rest of the movie would be mostly filled with Lobo wiping out villages of people, yelling at hospital patients and head-butting mimes. Lobo could kick any superhero's ass and it's high time he had his own movie. Lobo versus Daredevil? Oh yeah, so back to Daredevil. The movie is loosely pieced together, there are no transitions and the bad guys suck. Avoid unless you're a comic book movie fan, and even then, only if you're a fat comic book movie fan to be on the safe side.
people saw Daredevil and agree: Lobo could kick his ass.
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Harry Potter's worst foe: Puberty:
First I'll start off by saying that I fell asleep three times during this movie, and I use the word "movie" loosely here as this isn't a movie so much as an endurance test. It's like movie makers are going out of their way to make your bladders explode these days. The reason these types of movies are so long is because all you book reading nazis who go to see these movies always come out saying "the book was better" like you would be able to tell a screenplay from your asshole in the first place. It's not meant to be a book, it's meant to be a movie. Why are all these people going to see the movie if they've read the book anyway? You think anyone cares about all the discrepancies you find? You're not a master detective, and reading a book does not make you an authority. Just sit down, shut the hell up and endure the movie. It's almost like they do it for the smug satisfaction of being able to tell all their annoyed friends in the car "I knew about this a long time ago," as if it was some big secret they discovered. It's the same type of person who if they recommend music to you and heaven forbid you like it, they always have to remind you by chiming in with "yeah, I found it." Great going Magellan, now see if you can find a ride home.
I don't know what they're going to do with the Harry Potter movies. It's obvious even in this one that the child actors are growing up quickly. I could practically see shaving stubble on Daniel Radcliffe's (Harry Potter's) face, and Rupert Grint's (Ron Weasley's) voice was cracking, but it was hard to tell with all that whining he was doing: "oh no a dead cat, time to bitch."
I'm told that there are cool parts in this movie, but I'm skeptical because I fell asleep through them. One thing I was awake for though was the ending. I believe the wizard boss at the end of the movie literally says "you have broken all the rules, you disobeyed my strict orders, you blah blah blah.." and then he follows it with "therefore, I'm going to congratulate you on a job well done." Did I miss something here? He essentially said "you're an incompetent fool," and then he immediately followed it by a statement rewarding them for their incompetence. It's like the audience at this point in the movie is supposed to be saying "OH SHIT, THEY'RE REALLY IN TROUBLE NOW" then the wizard catches them off guard by saying "you kids did a good job" and the audience says "WOAH SHIT! WHAT A GOOD ENDING, LET'S GO HOME AND MASTURBATE." This is another place where maybe they don't need to stick to the book so closely. Who knows, maybe the book had the same self-loving gratuitously sappy ending (and I'll be damned if I'm going to find out for myself), but they didn't have to make the movie the same way. What kind of message is that sending to kids anyway? Break all the rules, disobey your parents, go wandering off like some spoiled little shit who has it too good and then you'll get rewarded? I mean, how cool would it have been if instead of the "therefore you are rewarded" horse shit they made the wizard boss flip out and turn all the children into sausage? Sausage rules!
people who saw the new Harry Potter movie fell into a deep coma.
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The movie "Signs" in four easy steps:
Another crappy movie getting rave reviews. Unbelievable. The best thing about this movie was the score at the beginning during the credits, and only because the composer, James Newton Howard, ripped off Shostakovich's Chamber Symphony Op. 110a (check it out, Shostakovich's work is much cooler and often plagiarized in Hollywood; for more on plagiarized sound tracks, see the score to "Psycho").
This movie wouldn't have been so bad if it actually went somewhere. It was like a porno with no money shot. One of those slow motion soft-core Showtime specials that start out as being mediocre detective melodrama, but you keep watching any way because it's starring Shannon Tweed and you know there's going to be a shower scene but you know it's going to suck because some dude inevitably comes in and starts man handling her and the camera man does nothing but zoom up on his ass. That's exactly what "Signs" is like: the camera man zooming up on some guy's ass for two hours.
Don't see "Signs."
people who saw "Signs" and loved it changed their minds after reading this review.
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current music: Evanescence
2:03 pm - what is a "sheet bend"?
If you answer the question in the subject line correctly, you get: a.) a kiss, b.) to touch my ass, c.) a penis will grow out of your palm, d.) your mouth will turn into a big hairy cunt, or e.) hairy nads dangling in your armpits...
I'm so weird! :D
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current mood: chipper
current music: i'm listening to "InME"
4.oo PM:
I'm waiting for my gf to come online so we can talk. It's funny, I often look at a picture of her and almost forget that she's mine... how did I go from plastic-skinned little hag-bitches that look like Britney Spears on crack to something SO beautiful? Hmm?
I've been listening to a lot of my older albums that I haven't listened to in awhile, namely; Nirvana- "Incesticide", The Smashing Pumpkins- "Siamese Dream", Nine Inch Nails- "Pretty Hate Machine", Skinny Puppy- "The Process", Marilyn Manson- "Portrait of an American Family", and Soundgarden's "Superunknown"... I'm goin' retro, yo!
Music was so much more honest just four or five years ago... before the Spice Girls (who I blame entirely for this whole trend of metaphorically farting a record)... God, people were so much more passionate about music!
Marilyn Manson has changed so fucking much since "Portrait.." that it's not even funny... back then he wasn't so corrupted by fame... he wrote lyrics that were, typical-of-him, ridiculously metaphorical, yet weren't the center of the rest of the music... the other musicians got to strut their stuff, and Manson wasn't always in the spotlight... back then, it was music... now it's just politics...it's still wicked tho i like manson he Rocks!!!
The same kind of thing happened to Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins... why the fuck would you fire the most talented member of your group??? (i.e. Jimmy Chamberlain)...
I mean come on Avril Lavigne, she complained about that bit in the Good Charlotte Video 'Girls and Boys' of that bit where she says ' So guys what do you want to do today' that was in her video for 'Complicated' just because these guys did it funnier that her she goes and complains about and now its been cut out the video, its the funiest bit in all!! god dammit what a silly fucktard!!!
Filter's old album, "Short Bus" is so good that it makes you drool... "Title of Record" is a piece of rancid shit...
NIN hasn't been corrupted, but I think that maybe Trent has lost some of the passion that he once seemed to have... you can't tell it by listening to his music, but you can if you read any interviews with him...
And what the fuck! Are Tool EVER going to put another fucking album out!!!!!!!!???????????????? Jesus! And don't give me that "Salival" bullshit.. that doesn't count as an album! DAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A few bands have changed for the better, though... namely Incubus and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers... Incubus used to be just another 311 sound-alike (but now one of the best bands around, if you ask me), and since John, their old guitarist, rejoined the Peppers for Californication, they've gone back to what they were good at... making soft, funky, melodic, and upbeat tunes...
Oh yeah, and Chris Cornell (from Soundgarden, you dumbfuck!) is going to replace Zach De La Rocha as the lead vocalist of Rage Against the Machine... that is going to be SO phat...
All right, I should shut up now...
I love my girlfriend! :)
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Current Mood: Sleepy
Current music: CKY
Okay, I love my girlfriend... I'm mega-sleepy and have to get up very early tommorow as i have college, dam lol!!!
Oh yeah! 50 points to the person who can say WHY lyrics from "Happiness in Slavery" are related to this weird-ass poem...
rage
there's a special place in hell for the man that I loathe,
the man that I want to torture
I want to strap him down on a bed of razors,
I want to peel the skin from his body, piece by piece,
then pour sulfuric acid on the exposed flesh
and watch him scream
I want to place his penis in a vice
place his testicles in two others,
then slowly, slowly, slowly tighten
tighten them until his balls explode
I want him impaled upon a stake
exposed for all to see
drive the stake into the ground
out in the country, where the birds can come
and pick the flesh from his still-twisting body
I'd gladly spend 100 years in prison
if I could see my rage come true
I REPEAT: "THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME!"
I just thought it was funny... lol
A lil Story fot ya....
A little boy asks his father what politics is. His father tries to explain. "Well, son," he says, "I go out into the world every day and make money - so imagine me as Capitalism. Your mother handles the budget for the house - so you could regard her as the Government. Your nanny, who looks after you and your baby brother, works very hard - so we will call her the Working Class. You are in the midst of all this - so consider yourself as the People. And your baby brother? Look on him as the Future."
That night the boy goes to bed pondering his father's words. In the middle of the night he is woken by his baby brother crying, clearly wanting to have his diaper changed. He goes into his parents' bedroom and sees his mother fast asleep. He is unable to rouse her.
He goes to the nanny's room and finds his father and the nanny making love. He tiptoes quietly out without being observed and goes back to bed.
At breakfast in the morning, the boy says to his father: "I was thinking about what you told me and I think I understand about politics now, dad." His gratified father looks up from his toast and asks, "Oh yes, how is that?"
"Well," replies the boy, "Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The Government is asleep. The People are being lied to and the Future is in deep shit."
LOL!!!
current mood: sleepy lol
current music: HIM- "Buried Alive By LOVE" :
4:36 pm - come to daddy, come to daddy, come to daddy!!!!!!!!!!! i will eat your soul...!!!
"If there is one benefit to being totally stupid, it's that you learn something new every day!" - me!!!
[Your Name:] Ben Andrew Stevenson
[Location:] uk
[Age:] 19
[Nicknames:]Stevey, Benny, plastichead lol
[Birthday:] June 9, 1983
[Zodiac Sign:] Gemini
[Brothers/Sisters:] one sis + 1 half bro
[Parents name:] toni and chrissy
[Where were you born:] Leicester
[Do you know anyone w/ the same birthday as you (If so who?):] approximately 1/365th of the population
[School:] A shit 1 lol
Favorites:
[Food:] mexican chillie with boritos
[Store:] RS the grunji shop lol
[Toothpaste:] Collgate
[Candy:] snickers
[Gum Flavor:] spearmint
[Game:] strip poker
[Holiday:]Italy
[Show:] Jackass, Tom Green show
[Season:] spring
[Sport:] Football
[Drink:] Red Bull 'Give you wings' lol
[Color:] Blue
[Ice Cream:] chocolate chip cookie dough (or vanilla with all sorts of good toppins!)
[Football Team:] Ac Millan, Arsenal
[Basketball Team:] Bulls!
[Baseball Team:]NY Yankies
[Possession:] my cds
[Jewelry:] :| whatch
[Outfit:] my baggy jeans, wiv my quicksilver top or my hoodie
[Family member:] i refuse to answer, on the grounds that i am an equal-opportunity hater
[Movie:] 8 mile, Freddie got fingered
Friends: mine
[Best Friend:] mark
[Good Friend:] lawrence
[Who is the...] wat!!
[Loud one:] sam lol
[Shy one:] myself
[Funny one:] damn, me lol
[Crazy one:] me lol
[Biggest Trouble maker:] hmm... me lol
[Prettiest:] hmmm but since we're talking about FRIENDS...) jeez... i'm a dead man if i start naming names! lol... they're all pretty! :-[
[Ugly one:] definitely me... i'm a mog... half man, half dog... i'm my own best friend...lol
[Weirdest:] this honor would again go to jason [Smartest:] lawrence
[Stupid one:] definitely den (without a doubt! and yes den, it's just like "dout", me lol
silent!) >:)
[Hyper one:] hmm... i don't really know!
[Talks the most:] hmm
Others:
[Do you do any drugs:] no
[How long are you in the shower:] 20 or so minutes
[Worst Feeling:] bein hurt
[Best Feeling:] bein loved
[Are you afraid of the dark:] no, but in certain places, fuck yeah!
[Do you believe in...]
[Heaven and Hell:] no
[Angels:] yup
[Aliens:] indeed!
[Where is your fav. hangout:] town
[Pepsi or coke:] pepsi
[MTV or VH1:] i don't get vh1... but then again... nothing could be worse than mtv!
[Nsync or BSB:] nstnc! gay fuckers lol
[90210 or 7th Heaven:] okay, i answered the n'sync/bsb one! i'm not going to go even LOWER!!
[Hugs or kisses:] both!
[Fruit Or Veggies:] it depends upon whether the tomato is a fruit, or a vegetable! lol
[Bill Clinton:] Total wanker!!
[Love at First Sight:] yes...
[Abortion:] i'm pro-life deep down... but do i think that it should be legal? yes... there are enough people in this world... we don't need even more, especially ones that were raised by someone stupid enough not to use protection during sex ("it's only a one night stand babay! you can't get pregnunt!"), or traumatized/insane due to rape or incest... i mean, come on! if the mother wants to kill her baby, but the laws don't let her... do you think she'll be a good mom? lmao
[Teenage Smoking:] hmmmm i used 2 smoke
[Eating Disorders:] nah
[Stalkers:] yes loads.. lol
[Atheletes:] they're muscular...
[Marilyn Manson:]he's a pretty cool chap...
[Guy Bands:] is that like boy bands, only not quite so feminine? so fucking corny and fake gay wankers!!!
[Death:] yes! i AM death! i am azriel mephisto raven-wolf! child of the night! stalker of pretty "gawf <3" chicks! and slayer of vampires! muahaha!
[Titanic:] the last hour of it was almost worth the the money i paid...lol
[Rape:] there is no rape... only unwilling sex...lol
[Suicide:] suicide=gay
[School Violence:] school violence=queer
[South Park:] love southpark..
[Cheating:] me+cheating=not me
[Pre-Marital Sex:] me+premarital sex= :) lol
current mood: hmmm lol
current music: nine inch nails- "the great collapse"
MY RESULTS FROM THE FUCKING SICK TEST LOL!!! ITS'S SO LAME!!!! LOL!!!
"> | Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | | Category | Your Score | Average | | Self-Lovin' | 71.7%
Explored the pleasures of the flesh | 63.3% | | Shamelessness | 78.6%
Has yet to see self in mirror | 78.2% | | Sex Drive | 86.8%
The Pope is envious | 76.4% | | Straightness | 42.9%
Done the nasty, but not creatively | 42.5% | | Gayness | 100%
| 81.5% |
| Fucking Sick | 92.9%
Refreshingly normal | 89% |
You are 76.73% pure
Average Score: 71.1%
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