April 2002 - Pure Shores
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30 Apr 2002 - typical situation
- good song
29 Apr 2002 - bloodless freak
- some days i think that i'll always be happier when i'm unhappy -- and that's really scary. i've been thinking about things. like how i always wanted to hang around with my brother even when he seemingly hated me - and tried as hard as he could to make me miserable. and like when i stayed with a certain old significant other long after he ceased to care about me. like when i hurt to feel better. like when i had several occasions where i actually wanted to be in an abusive relationship of some sort. households tonight reminded me of those times. about how i wanted someone else to be responsible for my unhappiness so i didn't have to be. about how i wanted to feel like i was getting only what i deserved. about how i thought it'd be so much easier if i just had a shitty lot in life. my god its coming again. and i can feel it. i can feel the cloth start to drape and linger over the edges of my brain. and its damn scary. and i want out. and some days i really would just rather not be alive.
28 Apr 2002 - smells like teen spirit
- its really nice to hear every once in a while that you're appreciated. and from certain people, certain really nice things, are really nice. (& now I feel sheepish...)
- ice cream and good conversation. i'm happy for now.
27 Apr 2002 - DIES IRE!!!
- arghhh!!!!!!! so most of you are not going to see me for the next 8 days. you may be asking why. because 8 days is all i have to read 75+ pages of court documents from 16th century england, and write a 20 page paper on them. yay.
- still waffling...arg...
- still hate men some minutes...
26 Apr 2002 - bizzare love triangle
- i hate men. well, not really. its just that seeing someone else get the same treatment as you from the same person is bleh. like i said to lydia, its the "12 step eric recovery program - everyone does it..."
- well truth be told it was a nice evening. but i'm still not quite sure what it was. or what i meant for it to be.
25 Apr 2002 - closing time
- so much to do, and less and less time every day to do it.
- funny how some recollections can leave you so utterly gasping for breath and life...
24 Apr 2002 - We all live in a beautiful world
- today i love the world. i have many gifts in this life that i am grateful for. everyone should be happy to be alive on a beautiful day like today.
- Speaking of the title, where's my coldplay CD ERIC SIROTA??
23 Apr 2002 - darn it
- why the hell is everyone at this school trying to screw us??
22 Apr 2002 - historymasterflex5000
- maybe thats what i'll be in 4 years, who knows. i had a good talk with sreenivasan tonight about the requirements, and not only did he clear things up for me, he also seemed to hint that he thought i'd be fine with them. so yay.
- damn student government.
21 Apr 2002 - bleh
- too bad for stor and drew...they clearly won that one...
- the van ride was fun. even if I wasn't all that funny.
- sooooo tired.
- damn households questions...
20 Apr 2002 - people are funny
- its interesting how sometimes people you don't even know can have somewhat of an effect on your life. last night a random stranger made a difference in my life. there were two questions i couldn't stop asking myself. all he had to say was, "you have 8 minutes - give me an opinion." and by looking at my life with a new perspective through that conversation, maybe - just maybe - its all a little clearer.
- why am i here again????? clearly not because i'm at all qualified to be. "she's a novice??" is my least favorite question today. {{sigh}}
the next two things are out of order chronologically, but it would do #2 an injustice to put it anything but last.
- it was an interesting time hanging out with zirkin, crack, rota, and the stanford team tonite. it was also interesting to hear from one unnamed stanfordite within 2 minutes of meeting him that "not to be base or chauvinistic or an asshole - but you have AMAZING breasts. amazing." what makes this even more funny, is that (1) sirota was sitting RIGHT next to me when he said that. and (2) i was wearing the exact same outfit i wore the night of the party at williams. WOW. nuff said.
- i can't believe it. i was thinking 95 could be the road to closure, but i wasn't quite thinking like that. it was concurrently one of the most crushing and the most inspiring moments i've had in a long time. glad most of the team didn't see me crying. two thank yous go out - one to greg, and one to jeffy (random, hm?). this means so many things all at once my brain can't really handle thinking of anything right now. but the longer i sit the more clarity i gain, and the more i can apply the perspective i gained last night to this. and the more i can be inspired that some day, karma will work out for me too. someday, i will find what i'm looking for. and someday, it will all be okay.
19 Apr 2002 - is maryland the promised land?
- i'm often struck by the amazing ironies of life. that i'm in the van listening to automatic fof the people and eric and stor are asleep in front of me. although i suppose its not that ironic when you consider that i put myself here - in more ways than one. all i can hope is that maybe I-95 will be the golden road to closure...
- how many times are we expected to start our lives over???
- how long are you going to wait, Beth???
- i'm not going to wait. and i'm going to start over as many times as it damn well takes me. because until i find the person who feels the same admiration, respect, and interest for me as i have for them, i haven't found the right one.
18 Apr 2002 - 2 skinnee j's
- today is a good day. not suprising that i skipped all my classes and i'm having a good day. :-)
- here's a cool rap for you:
"it was 5:45 on a friday,
i was waiting for a train going my way.
i stood packed on a platform to brooklyn,
where everybody's pushin but nobody's lookin.
so i got crushed in the rush for the subway,
by the liitle old men tryin to shove me.
well i noticed her when i glanced sideways,
i felt continents shifting inside me.
i was dressed in my best polyester,
and i could tell that the plastic impressed her,
cause she smiled as she eased up beside me,
and then she said she had things to confide see.
she said her dad ran away with samantha,
a middle-aged exotic dancer,
so her mom had returned to her savior,
and here's the advice that he gave her. he said:
'reeses pieces sweedish fish,
oodles of skittles and red licorice
marshmellows mints and a chocolate kiss,
and it melts in your mouth like this.'"
- why am i going to nats? can someone tell me that? there are two reasons i was going to go - one being that i love my team, and the other being something else. i don't feel particularly good about either of those reasons right now. so what the hell???
- whats with everyone going idle without away messages these days??? arg.
- ask me how much i hate anthro tonite. just ask me.
- people need to update more often.
17 Apr 2002 - ...
- i wish i knew if anyone actually reads this
- i really hate one of my roommates. so much. this morning i was talking to the other one (the one i like) about the fact that this stupid stoner from my floor ran around the pond naked yesterday for a bag of weed. and just as i was saying how i thought he was retarded (which is common knowledge) my bitchy roommate came back in the room. and she's like "do i call YOUR friends retarded in front of your face?" and i go, "no." and she goes, "then why would you say that?" and i'm like "because i really feel like that was an IDIOTIC thing to do, no matter who it was." and she's like, "well i'd prefer if you didn't say things like that in front of me" and i go "fine." the problem with this interaction however, is that my answer to her first question should have been, "depends - do i count?? considering i USED to be your friend before you shunned me. cause if i count than how about THAT for an example. and how about the fact that you gave up the right to courtesy from me at the point at which you made my life a living hell 4 months ago. how about THAT?!?!?"
- arg. so much frustration and antsiness today
- grr debate grr
- why do some people have to suck? and why is it that all they have to do to do so is to be themselves?
- yah. getting in a car accident is a perfect end to this day. hot damn.
- why does alan have beth ESP?
- how close am i to teetering over the edge? thisclose.
16 Apr 2002 - april oh april
- my mom just can't figure out how not to nag. tho it was great to have her here for a day or two.
- most amusing moment of the day: my dad chosing the 2 best people for the final debate round @ our tourney (who would you want in office right now if you could pick any past president) #1 - reagan. #2 - nixon. jesus - how did i turn out this normal with parents like that?? i guess we really are reactionary.
- i really want this premonition proved wrong. dinner was a little more evidence for that. i'm still just worried. people can have good intentions all they want, its the execution that's tough.
- i CANNOT ally myself with people who feel that coersion and submission are good ways to get what they want. i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT.
15 Apr 2002 - damn damn damn
- i had an insatiable desire for words tonight. unfortunately, by the time i got around to it they were no longer there for me to read. THERE'S a metaphor for you...
14 Apr 2002 - futility
- maybe its not as futile as i thought. i really just don't know. maybe premonitions aren't all they're cracked up to be. or maybe i'm right and i'll see that soon. don't know. either way its going to be sad times.
- mmm.....too tired for households paper. went to bed at 7AM this morning. got up at 10AM. no naps, no rests, no nothing. all day. soooooooooooooooooooo tired
13 Apr 2002 - wow
wow. thats pretty much all i can say about tonight. wow. in so many ways. wow.
12 Apr 2002 - what the hell
- so random IMs today....
- tourneys going alright
- again the forced speech...still wondering where to go from here
- {{sigh}}
11 Apr 2002 - threes a charm
- three happy days. so far so good. i'm beginning to think i have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). it'd be an easy way to write off the RIDICULOUS contrast between my two states of mood of late.
- stressing about scheduling a bit. in the next four days i have to decide whether to:
a.) get my masters in history
b.) double major with the education program or
c.) try to triple major
...sigh, who knows. at least i've got a great reg time. afn...
- the amount of pop up ads on every site is REALLY starting to get annoying and ridiculous.
- hmmm, that was interesting. where do i go from here? plans changed for a bit, but i don't see the problem with continuing on with the original, just not belligerently.
- hmmm, a random possibility. but intruiging nonetheless.
- i REALLY don't understand people sometimes. every once in a while they just COMPLETELY throw me for a loop. if i did something wrong, WHATEVER. i tried
10 Apr 2002 - honesty?
- i hope that honesty wasn't reactionary to this blog, cause if it was someone really misunderstood, and he should know that i was happy with his part, and not someone elses.
- today the 1st pangs of guilt about not speaking to eric came. i wonder if i'm being immature. i don't think that i am. the reason, is because i'm not doing it to be bitchy, i'm doing it because talking to him wouldn't be the best thing for me right now. thats not bitchy, right?
- i really hope i got the message through earlier and that certain people realize that its not them that i'm inherently disappointed in, but someone else. & i'm also really hoping that person feels better soon...
- so...partner's with bragin. could be a lot of fun. & somehow i get the sense that it will be...
9 Apr 2002 - beautiful day
- its so beautiful today that i'm happy to be alive. everything that sucked yesterday still sucks today, but somehow when everything in the world seems more beautiful, so does one's own life.
- drew called me glowing. that was really nice. its amazing how kind words from a friend can supplement a good mood.
- i love crossword puzzles.
- today i had a cliche college moment. and i loved every minute. after a great lunch with drew, ariel, and nikki, i went outside and sat talking to drew and brandzy for almost 2 hours. then toby and justin and borjian came along and we had some fun football while some random kids hacked on a nearby lawn. i felt like i had been magically transported to berkeley or something.
- jesus christ. three times, in three days. randomness is NOT my friend these days.
- but you know what, walking home i realized it was all okay. that it had still been, with the exception of 2 short minutes, a great day. good conversation, good food, good sports, good friends. and thats as it should be. :-) (dare i risk a smile???)
- only one way to sum up the rest of this day. let me give you some words of one of my favorite people, ms sylvia plath.
Doom of Exiles
Now we, returning from the vaulted domes
Of our colossal sleep, come home to find
A tall metropolis of catacombs
Erected down the gangways of our mind.
Green alleys where we reveled have become
The infernal haunt of demon dangers;
Both seraph song and violins are dumb;
Each clock tick consecrates the death of strangers.
Backward we traveled to reclaim the day
Before we fell, like Icarus, undone;
All we find are altars in decay
And profane words scrawled black across the sun.
Still, stubbornly we try to crack the nut
In which the riddle of our race is shut.
- NO. that can't just be all. one more thing. i am inherently dissatisfied with the world, people in the world, and my relationships with those people. i can pretend that thats not true all i want but all i'll ever be is pretending. and thats sad. but it still doesn't change the fact that i had a good day. lets see if i can get two in a row...
8 Apr 2002 - noty
- damn. i guess our team loses out. no novice in the top ten this year. i disappoint once again. yee-ha.
- damn. i just can't catch a fucking break. see yesterday if you want to know to what i refer.
- man my households teacher loves to talk about sex. tonites quote: "thats why you eat a disk of meat, to keep you from thinking you're knawing on a carcas. and thats why its just like sex." um...yea....
- most ironic class topic EVER. mmm....irony....tasty....
- note to self: maybe take sreenivasan's class on the reformation...
7 Apr 2002 - double bleh
- back @ brandeis. 3 h 34 m. not bad.
- CDs of the trip: wyclef jean "carnival," beck "mutations," indigo girls "rites of passage," and the american beauty sountrack.
- UGH. did i mention lately that i hate boys??????
- wow. the update above was from 4PM this afternoon. seems even more appropro now. well, tonite i experienced the last thing in the world i need right now - seeing eric and his new girlfriend. holding hands walking out of his building. yee-ha. ironically, i was walking home from the library with alan at the time, having spent a large part of the previous hour updating my REAL journal on the last 5 or 6 months of my life. ha. everything happens for a reason i suppose. i knew this would come eventually, but hot damn, i haven't even been back a brandeis a full day yet. but despite my efforts to leave alan and sulk alone, he came back, with tissues :) and talked it out with me. and for that i'm grateful. because alone i always reach the same conclusions. that i hate him for being over me, but still realize that hes a good person who i care a hell of a lot about. but that i do hate him right now. and that i'm miserable without him. and that i somehow think i can hurt him by hurting. but the reality is - that will probably never happen. especially looking at where thats gotten me so far: he's dating someone else and i'm still fucking miserable. so dammit, i have got to do something. letting go a part of your life that you really care about (or did at one time) is a really hard thing to do. but the longer i hold on the farther he'll get, the harder i'll be stretched, and the more i'll end up hurting in the end. the tao te ching says "if you look to others for fufillment, you will never truly be fufilled." and i think that its right, perhaps, to the extent that if i am not at peace with my own mind i can never try to be content with others. i think i need to just draw a line, put up a wall. and as alan said, even if its a little porous for now, its better than nothing. cause until i start to break away, i'll forever be clutching at straws - memories, what ifs, dreams, everything. and if we're stuck in the past we miss a lot. so its time to stop looking at the past. time to stop crying, time to stop wishing for what won't happen, time to start anew. i've been a very unhappy person for quite some time. and i am beginning to think that this is one small step on the way to changing that. and if thats true - then i've definitely got to try.
"The journey of a thousand miles starts from beneath your feet." -- tao te ching
"do not look behind you so long that you trip over what lies ahead." - me bastardizing some proverb
6 Apr 2002 - bleh
well, at least hwhitty got him one
5 Apr 2002 - uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- is it bad that i have absolutely no desire to debate today?
- alright....not so bad as i thought.
- i always forget why i love debate - it makes me forget everything else.
- well...almost...
4 Apr 2002 - first thoughts of the morning
i want to die
i am a worthless human being
i am ugly
i am unloved
i am not as good as someone else
i am not good for anything
i was never good in the first place
i am numb
i know not what to think
i hate him
i love him
i hate the world
i hate the girl
i hate everything
i hate myself
i hate to hate...
i want to die
- i'm sorry if this sounds stupid or petty or whatever else you think it is, but its 8 in the morning, and this is how it is.
- last nite i got the worst news in quite some time, and it was all at the fault of honesty.
so heres some more FUCKING honesty for you.
- please disregard my last entry if it displeases you. to a certain extent it displeases me too, but the sins of omission rule i created prevents me from taking it out. just please don't interpret it as my vain attempt to melodramatic.
- so now that i've calmed down let me see if i can say what i mean. i guess i mostly hate that someone has the power to control my emotions to such a large degree. and of course i hate the pure fact itself. knowing that for him there's someone else is like knowing that it was always as unequal as i dreaded. that it has taken me this long (& more to come) to get over him, but all the while i suspected his mind had moved on - it had. that that really was surprise that came over his face 2 months later when he found out it was still on MY mind. i just can't believe it. he makes me feel so worthless, like clearly he never appreciated me at all if he can just get up two months later (or maybe less - i don't know) and start dating someone else. i just can't believe it. and it stings because up until last night, i still held really strong feelings of like for him. and i still do, but at least now they are marred in such a way that maybe it will finally be a little easier to let them go. i also just can't believe this when you think that in the first place he gave me the call. asked ME if after all he said i wanted it over. and of course the only answer i could give was "NO! ...but yes." like what the hell? he wasn't even sure he wanted to break up with me, but yet here i am. here i am agonizing every time i walk by his window whether hes there or not. and here i am looking across the way every night, seeing a light on, and wanting to do no less than go over and say "let me stay." and here i am falling hardly asleep every night, feeling naked without those previously stationary arms wrapped around me. and here i am. alone. alone while he is with someone else. and it stings. boy does it sting.
3 Apr 2002 - thats all i have to say about that
dilate
- ms. ani difranco (big surprise there)
life used to be life-like
now it's more like show biz
i wake up in the night
and i don't know where the bathroom is
and i don't know what town i'm in
or what sky i am under
and i wake up in the darkness and i
don't have the will anymore to wonder
everyone has a skeleton
and a closet to keep it in
and you're mine
every song has a you
a you that the singer sings to
and you're it this time
baby, you're it this time
when i need to wipe my face
i use the back of my hand
and i like to take up space
just because i can
and i used my dress
to wipe up my drink
i care less and leass
what poeple think
and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate
so i'll walk the plank
and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget every time
and the forgetting defines me
that's what defines me
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
my hands grope for the light
my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
i'm better
i'm better
i'm better
off alone
i intend to cry myself to sleep tonite with this one...
2 Apr 2002 - children
- dammit. i wish everyone could just get along. acting like a bunch of kids. people have to realize that every action they take will have a consequence. and that they can't just assume that other people's minds will automatically see those consequences. you have to say something if you want it. i've learned there's no point to idly sitting by and hoping someone will realize what you want and give it to you or do it for you or whatever it may be. so maybe some people should realize things are just as much THEIR fault, as the people they think let them down.
- i don't know what to think about so many things right now. tonight at dinner i had to listen to my father preach about how colin powell is an anti-semite because he speaks out against sharon. he read an editorial, a very well written(yet propaganda like) editorial from the wall street journal (4/2/02 p. A22) about how history knows that "strongmen in their bunkers are as impotent as they are loquacious." i don't know that the israelis moving against the palestinians is wrong. i think its reasonable for them to want to end the violence - to protect their people. the question, however, is whether violence is the answer to violence. i know many who would say that its not. but the reason they say that its not is that there are other ways. but when someone points out how many efforts have been made to do this through other ways that have failed, i question whether or not there are other ways. the only solution that seems to remain is to accept the arab plan - to give back everything that we were given in 1967. to gut and sever the state of israel. is it really the right of the people who lose land in war to get it back? maybe, because it was theirs. but why then, don't we give land back to the native americans. and why doesn't yugoslavia give back the land to the montenegrans? and why doesn't tibet get its land back?? there are so many situations like that in the world today, and i question whether or not its possible to solve them all. plus isn't the arab case different?? because in the case of the montenegrans, they are presenting a referendum for self government. and in the case of tibet, they are peaceably pleading. but when one goes about getting their land back in the manner of the palestinians (through violence, coersion, and general unhelpfullness) do they really deserve to get it back? i want to say no. but i also am not palestinian. i also, did not have land taken from me in 1967. i don't know what to think. i want to think that israel and palestine should be able to solve the conflict peaceably but right now they are doing a shitty job. and the fact that every day of passover this year someone has been killed in israel moves emotions in me stronger than pacifism.
- please feel free to comment. i am lamenting that i am not up at school right now to talk this over with a few certain people...
1 Apr 2002 - monday
- never my favorite day of the week. but might i say two things: (1) i LOVE my girls!!! they're the best! and (2) i got jeans for $5 today. woohoo!
- oh and PS. my parents are out of town this weekend. yay. some relaxing, free-from-nagging time.
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