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Random Quotes

I have found random quotes that I think you may enjoy. Yes I did steal them from different places, but I hope they won't mind!!!!

Once I was in this big department store, and I thought I heard subliminal messages in the muzak broadcast telling me to buy a stereo- but I ignored them. Then they told me to buy a new fridge- but I ignored them. Then they told me to go to the pet department and stuff my socks with gerbils. Well, even the strongest man has a weakness.

When I see a street-sign that says SLOW CHILDREN I think great, now they'll be easier to hit.

It concerns me that I spend money on heavy-duty cleaning products that are designed to remove the residual scum left on my tub from a substance I rely on every day to cleanse and sanitize my own body.

If you are searching for the finest career to pursue, don't overlook the field of fish psychiatry, because as a licensed fish psychiatrist you would be able to make up all kinds of ridiculous nonsense about fish- and nobody would catch on, except maybe for other fish psychiatrists.

If God really does have a big master plan for the world, I hope I'm not in charge of towels.

A fun thing to do is to go to a really nice restaurant and order a pair of pants. Then, when they don't have it, start yelling, "Hey, what kind of restaurant is this! No pants on the menu!" You might think the rest of the customers might rally behind you, they really won't.

I think a great name to have would be Hans. Then if someone asked you your name, you could just hold up your hands. Then they would say, "Ten?" Then you would shake your head no. People are stupid sometimes.

I used to think you could jump off the roof with a bunch of garbage bags and they would open up like a parachute, but I never really tried it. I think you should. Doesn't it sound like fun?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

*****Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.*****