To Be Married

To Be Married
By Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2000

To be married . . . to gain the approval and acceptance of family, friends and society. To be married . . . in an attempt to fulfill the needs portrayed in song lyrics, television shows, movies and romance novels. To be married. . . to avoid the search for one's own identity, to elevate one's low self esteem, to escape one's loneliness, to satisfy one's sexual desire. To be married . . . the goal of so many . . . the contentment of so few . . . and the damnation of those who choose to divorce.

Why Marry?

The "Push".

Family Pressures.

By the time one is a teenager, family members begin monitoring who is being dated and how serious each relationship is. At times there is matchmaking with those considered to be suitable prospects. At other times there are expressions of discontent regarding those considered unsuitable prospects. The pressure to establish romantic relationships is very real, as is the emphasis on establishing a serious relationship with someone who is deemed "suitable."

Friendly Competition.

By the time one is a teenager, there develops a certain competition between friends. Those who are dating are deemed "popular", whereas those who are not are shunned. Jealousy develops between those who are dating and those who are not. Such a yearning to date, to gain popularity, to fit in, to feel like a winner and the feelings of success for those who marry.

Societal Pressures.

The societal "push" to find a mate is emphasized in the "yearning for love" lyrics of songs on the radio, the dominance of family sitcoms on television, the prevalence of romance in movies, and the vast number of romance novels in circulation. From these sources one could conclude that to find love is to find happiness, and to lose at love is equated with despair.

Psyche Factors.

A Search For Identity.

Without the sense of what distinguishes one's self separate and apart from others and without having one's own goals, at times a person may attempt to assume his/her identity from the person he/she is dating. This tendency can present as trying to please the other person by being like whatever that person finds desirable in a mate. By seeming to be the ideal mate for awhile, the two may marry, but in time one's own identity will strive to emerge and may result in an end to the relationship.

Low Self Esteem.

In an effort to feel better about one's self, he/she may seek romantic relationships. In doing so, the person bases how he/she feels about him/herself on how others perceive him/her. If another individual can find him/her desirable and loveable, than he/she can love and accept him/herself. And for some marriage, even to the wrong individual, can temporarily boost their self esteem.

Loneliness.

Some individuals are so aghast at the thought of being alone that in an effort to curb their loneliness they will seek out romantic relationships, sometimes even undesirable ones. The desire to curb loneliness can be so strong that some may even marry. This may be an indication of not being at peace with one's self and using another's presence as an escape from dealing with personal issues.

Sexual Desire.

The desire to be sexually satisfied can be very strong, and some become romantically involved based initially on sexual attraction. Although more meaningful interactions may not be established, because it is generally more acceptable by society and family for sexuality to be expressed within the confines of marriage, those engaging in premarital sex may succumb to the "push" to marry in an effort to regain acceptance.

Contentment in Marriage.

To succumb to the "push" to be married by family, friends and/or society may result in being too anxious to marry without taking the time to carefully evaluate the relationship and the potential partner. Most relationships can seem good or even great initially, but in time one can see past the romantic interest to evaluate the person as an individual. The key is--TAKING THE TIME and trying to ignore the pressures imposed by family, friends and/or society.

It places a heavy burden on someone when they become the source of another's emotional well-being. In time it will no longer be satisfying to assume one's identity from his/her partner. And the boost to one's self-esteem from feeling loved or desired is only a temporary fix to a much deeper problem. No one can completely absolve another of his/her loneliness. And if a couple marries due to their having been sexually involved, then the relationship may never develop any depth. Sexual pleasure is not a strong enough foundation to make a relationship last.

Divorce.

So, if to be married is to gain the approval and acceptance of family, friends and society, than to divorce is to realize their damnation. Rather ironic that by succumbing to the "push" to marry, that one may not take the time to carefully scrutinize his/her relationship, in time become discontent upon realizing he/she married someone he/she is not well suited for, perhaps choosing to divorce, and then be damned by the very people who imposed the "push" to marry.

So, Why Marry?

Only when one is okay with who he/she is--separate and apart from others--is he/she ready to share his/her life with another. Unless one works out his/her own personal problems before developing a romantic involvement with another, then he/she brings a lot of "baggage" into the relationship and may choose to marry for some of the unhealthy reasons already mentioned. Although difficult, it is important to try to ignore the pressures imposed by family, friends and society to develop serious romantic involvements with the ultimate goal of marriage because to do so may result in a rushed decision and an uncareful examination of one's true compatibility with the other individual.

Indeed to be happy to share life with another, one must first be content to live his/her life alone. When you don't NEED a romantic relationship is when it is healthiest to find one. To be married . . . two individuals sharing their lives . . . contented with who they are separate and apart from each other . . . who've taken the time to carefully scrutinize their relationship . . . not succumbing to external pressures . . . not out of need . . . but having made the careful choice to share their lives together in the bonds of marriage.

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