 Hurt Grief Depression
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(Referenced in Time Magazine, 07/31/01)
Established By Jo Witt
NOTE, 07/01/06: My sincerest apologies, but I no longer have the time to continue to handle the large volume of stories and emails I receive and no longer have adequate time to devote to continuing this support group. While I do believe that it helps to share stories with each other, to share with those who've experienced similar things, unfortunately I have become too overwhelmed with too many things. I am truly sorry. The stories that have already been submitted over the past several years will remain posted in this site, as I believe greater understanding can be gained from these honest, open sharings of those directly experiencing anorexia; however, unless circumstances change, there will be no further stories or information added to this web site.
(7/27/01 - NOTE: It is not the intent of this support group to serve as a medium for facilitating additional weight loss, which may endanger one's health or life; thus, content requesting help for losing weight will not be included and such content previously included in this site will be deleted.)
DISCLAIMER: Any advice offered is on a personal, NOT professional level, and is offered free of charge. Those with anorexia are STRONGLY advised to seek professional assistance from professionals trained in the treatment of eating disorders.
"I offer an online recovery community and a free weekly newsletter that includes worksheets and tools of recovery. This offer is open to anyone affected by an eating disorder. Friends, family members and clinicians are welcome, too. Every email address is kept private, and you will receive just one email a week (this is not a newsgroup). Email me for more information: BrevardANAD@aol.com."
Group Facilitator and Resource Specialist ANAD of Brevard County Melbourne, FL BrevardANAD@aol.com
National Office: The oldest and largest national non-profit organization dedicated to alleviating the problems of eating disorders and promoting healthy lifestyles.
International Eating Disorder Referral Organization "The Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center is dedicated to the prevention and treatment of eating disorders. We provide information and treatment resources for all forms of eating disorders. The Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center was created to fill an important community need, that of providing prompt information to individuals needing assistance in finding eating disorder treatment in their area. We provide referrals to eating disorder practitioners, treatment facilities, and support groups. Referrals to eating disorder specialists are offered at no charge as a community service. In addition, we offer general information to the public about the treatment and prevention of eating disorders and we hope to promote social attitudes that enhance a healthy body image and self-esteem. Those who would like eating disorder information or need a referral can contact The Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center by telephone, 'snail' mail or by e-mail. The Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center is able to link those needing treatment resources with eating disorder professionals who provide individual, family, and group treatment. If an agency or treatment center can fit a client's needs better than a private practitioner, then the service will refer to that organization."
International Eating Disorder Referral Organization 2923 Sandy Pointe, Suite 6 Del Mar, CA 92014-2052 (858) 792-7463 Fax: 858-481-5143 www.edreferral.com email: edreferral@aol.com
This is a welcoming self-help and support group for people seeking emotional support whilst in the process of recovery. This is a therapeutic group for people with an eating disorder and is set up to remove feelings of isolation by sharing with other people who understand. This group was set up by Pauline Juan-Thomas, a fully qualified psychotherapist and holistic health therapist, experienced in helping people with low self esteem issues, including eating disorders. Because of the lack of free support services available she set up 24/7 access online support. The site is monitored and strict boundaries are maintained. The group currently has over 200 members and serves to provide information, support and has an active message forum. They also have a chatroom where people can share with other members in privacy. Her aim is to assist with therapeutic self-help tools and to promote healing through confidence building and self-empowerment.
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kate
I suffered with an eating disorder ( "an..." for some reason, I've never been able to say it) about six years ago. I stopped getting my period and had to be put on birth control. I received therapy, and my doctor told me multiple times that if I "kept it up," I would never be able to have children. That statement has always stuck with me. I improved....."got better," because all I have ever wanted was to have children. I recently took myself off of the pill, because my husband and I would like to get pregnant some time this year. I know it takes a few months for one's period to return after getting off of the pill; however, it has now been two months. And the last time I wasn't on the pill, it was when I was sick and wasn't getting my period. I am worried that I have ruined my chances of getting pregnant.
I know I am jumping the gun, but if I am able to get pregnant, I am worried about getting weighed. I refuse to get on a scale.....haven't been on one for years.....not even backwards. The thought of having my weight checked all the time scares me half to death. I'm also scared of comments people might say to me. I have made great improvements, but it is always on my mind. The slightest comment can be devastating to me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/29/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
Starting in January I started to lose weight. I never could have imagined anything like this happening to me. It all started as a joke. I was always eating, but I never had a problem with the way I look. I was a very active girl. I played volleyball September - October. After that, my activity level went way down to doing nothing at all! I didn't stop eating everything I had when I was doing volleyball, so I noticed some changes in my body. I kinda got big. But anyway I still never thought of anorexia. I was just fooling around one day and I was like let’s see how little I can eat in a day. Of course I was right and I couldn't do it, so I keep trying, kinda like a game. One day I did it. The next morning I woke up feeling good. After that I continued to eat less, not even looking at calories. When I felt comfortable with my body, I went back to old eating habits. After a few days, I realized I didn't like it and thought I was getting fat. After awhile I started looking at calories. I restricted myself to 800 a day. After I went to the doctors and was told I was getting really sick, I tried to eat more. My body wouldn't take it. Everything I ate killed my stomach because it had shrunk. After I went through hell with the doctors in my area who almost killed me, I went to someone an hour away from me. She was really concerned. Me and the doctor decided I would try to eat on my own so I wouldn't go in the hospital. I did. I did great.....for the first week. I actually gained two pounds, but it hurt. It turned out to be harder than I thought. Anorexia was taking over my mind. The next couple of days I went back to the doctor and said I need help. I was put in a hospital on heart monitors because my heart rate dropped to 30. After that, I was put into a program. It has been a month since I was out and now I’m doing better, but still struggling at times, like this week because I have a stomach virus and I don't have the choice of not eating like everyone else because my metabolism is still fast and I don't want to lose weight and I’m scared because I lost a pound and I just got to my goal weight.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/22/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Carol
I first started with "ana" when I was a freshman in college, at the age of 18. I did pretty well until going through a divorce almost four years ago. Being on my own left me completely unaccountable to anyone, and thus made it easier to slip back to where I was as a college freshman. I began to severely restrict, exercise to the point of exhaustion, take diet pills, laxatives, etc., as well as "purge" in other ways. Three years ago, after getting down to 71 pounds, I ended up in a 10-week treatment program in Delray Beach, FL. I've been working, sometimes struggling, in my recovery ever since. That's a little of where I've been in my own disease. I look forward to hearing from you all soon.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/19/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Ben
I am a male with anorexia nervosa. I have had eating problems for the last two years or so. But it got worse/more extreme from a year ago onwards. I first started with wanting to look thinner. IT started after I was living with my dad. My dad and my mum split up in 2001. And since 2002, I moved in with him. He actually married my mum’s sister, which was weird, I know. But I believed that it’s my dad and I should respect him, because if I thought badly of his new wife, I might lose him. I was insecure. After he got married secretively, a month later he told my mum that he married her sister. She was tempered with rage. Being the violent person she was, she physically forced him out of the house. I have a younger sister and an older half brother. Me and my half brother were brought up with violence. We were physically abused by my mum and my dad - more my mum. She would also verbally abuse us, as well as bullying us. After my parents split up in 2001, me my sister and brother stayed in with mum, as dad was the one who moved out. There has always been lies in my family. Anyway, getting to the point when I got quite ill.....I was living with my dad, my auntie/step mum, and two cousins/step sister and step brother. So it was quite weird. The family was very unstable. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses, which I did not practice. So I was an outsider. Anytime that I fell out with any member of the family, every one of them would not talk to me. During November 2003, I fell out with my step mum, and of course everyone stopped talking to me, including my dad. Because of the atmosphere in the house we lived in, which was quite a small house, I stayed in my room, which was the size of a closet - I had no space, just a loft bed, and the space I had was the space underneath the loft bed. I stayed in my room for months. Because no one was talking to me, my step mum stopped making meals for me. She stopped everything - stopped washing my clothes for me, everything. They stopped all this just before the Christmas holidays started. So I was still going to school, my dad would drop me off at the bus stop. When he did, he wouldn’t speak a single word to me. Because i wasn’t fed, this made me think, "Oh God, I haven’t eaten for ages....hmm...I wonder what I’ll look like now after starving." That’s what started it. The day I moved in with my dad, my mum was angry with me. So we fell out. I didn't see her, my sister, or half brother for nearly two years. During my young teenage years, I went through a puppy fat stage. I wasn’t that big, but I was teased in school. Being called "fat!" also at home, my brother also called me fat. This made me feel terrible, absolutely horrid, so upset and torn and hurt inside. My mum also called me fat, despite her being very overweight herself, a lot more that I was. So when I was being starved, I thought, "I wonder what my mum and brother will think now!! now that I have lost weight." So being starved did have its plus points. We got back talking again (me, dad, step mum, etc.) and after that, my eating problem started kicking in more. I limited myself only to having two meals a day, only breakfast and dinner. I thought that it would make a difference in school. By this time I was in the last year of secondary school and I got extremely sensitive and paranoid and insecure. I still have not seen my mum ever since I moved in with my dad. I did miss them, though. After I did my GCSE's, I applied at college. My eating problems got more extreme again. As by this time, my step mum bought some scales for the house, and I was constantly weighing myself. If I had lost weight, I would allow myself breakfast. If I hadn't lost weight or gained, I wouldn’t dare have breakfast. After two months of attending college, I decided to make contact with mum. I wrote a letter to her, and she wanted to meet me. I felt very anxious and wanted to lose weight and look very thin, as I remember her teasing me as well as my brother. When I did visit them, they commented that I looked too thin. This made me feel relieved. I felt few....less ways of being hurt by them now. By this time I got into the practice of binging and purging, as when I came around, she would have a lot of sweet foods. I don’t know why I started this, but I did. And I used to visit for the weekend, usually every other weekend. I would go there and always binge and purge in secret. And this got into a habit. And I started doing this habit now at my home, at dad’s. I wouldn’t allow myself to keep any food, always binging. I find this hard to tell people I have binged in the past, as I feel this is greedy and disgusting. But that’s what I did. Over the months my weight dropped. People started to pick up on my behaviors, by finding sick in the toilet. My step mum found out about this and told my dad. He confronted me, and of course I denied it. He approached me like I was in the wrong and naughty and he was angry. I always denied it. Our relationship was so distant by now. In June 2005, he gave me a letter, giving me six weeks’ notice to leave. So I went to the council trying to find a place. My eating problem was still very strong at this point, unable to eat any meals or keep anything in me. The council found me a B and B. I wouldn't go back at my mum’s house because I wanted to live independently. I just want to be away from my mum. Anyway I eventually could tell my mum where I was living now. As when I was visiting her, I couldn’t tell her where I was living because my dad said I couldn’t. So I couldn’t tell her at all. She lived about 17 miles away, still in the same house as before. When I eventually moved out, my mum allowed me to keep my stuff there. I spent most of my time moving back and forth from my mum’s and the B & B, still binging and purging whenever I could. I guess it gave me a "release" from stress. By this time I got very bad pains in my chest due to an irregular heart beat. I told my mum, and she urged me to go to the GP. So I did, and they gave me a blood test, and I agreed. A week later my mum rushed and picked me up from the town I was in and took me into hospital. I didn’t know why, she just told me my blood test results came back and I need to go into the hospital. So I went into the general hospital, and my potassium was found to be dangerously low. I told the doctors everything. They had a psychiatrist there, and I told her how I felt. She decided I should not leave, as it was too dangerous for me. For the next couple of months the psychiatrist put me in contact with the community mental health team, and over the time I started getting quick therapy and being weighed. I couldn’t do it at all. I got worse and worse. When I was threatened to be admitted to an adolescent mental health unit, I tried my hardest to eat and not be admitted. But as time went by, I couldn’t do it. I got worse and had heart pains and was readmitted into the hospital. The mental unit heard about this and admitted me. So I was now an inpatient at this adolescent unit. Again I did try hard, but I couldn’t do it at all. I was later moved on to a more intense eating disorder unit. I struggled there, being deceiving to the staff. I made myself vomit after I had eaten and would lie to the staff. During this time I fell out with my mum, who supported me in the past. I felt messed up. But during this time a close friend helped me and his family were helping me. They proposed for me to come and live with them. This gave me something to live for, and I tried so hard. I was in the hospital for around twenty weeks. I discharged myself and moved in with my friend. Before I moved in, I admitted to them I have made myself sick in the past. I thought it was best if I opened up to them. We all got closer, me and my friend’s family. I stayed there for nearly twenty weeks. Not a single time did I make myself sick at all. And even to this day, I have not made myself sick. After twenty weeks, things were not as good as they once were. My eating problems were causing a strain. I needed someone to sit with me when I ate. I couldn't do it otherwise. I was on a high diet, and to compensate, I would exercise a lot - 3 X 15 minute runs and exercising in secret while I was "in the shower." My weight dropped. I also started throwing away my food when no one was around and after a couple of times, I got caught. The final straw happened when I lied about downloading music, and I was found out. My friend got very angry. This family meant everything to me. I loved them so much. But my friend was so angry. I was getting music to make me feel better, but I didn’t tell my friend because I didn’t want him to get angry. But things got worse. So after he found out, the next day I left. I got my stuff and left. I went to the council and my therapist who I had been seeing since I had moved in with my friend. The council found me some accommodations. It was a homeless hostel bedsit. It had to do. Once I moved in, I got worse, only eating 300 calories a da, only fruits and vegetables. I still hadn’t seen my mum ever since I left the hospital. It’d been a long time, around 32 weeks. I started getting closer to my mum. And as I got worse, she wanted me to move back. After being in the hostel for two or so weeks, I decided to go there. She picked me up at the hostel and took me back home to her house. I have been there ever since. It’s been nearly two weeks. I’m struggling a lot at the moment, still waiting for the mental health team to contact me. I’m on around 700 calories a day. But I feel like I am getting fatter, despite the scales that I get weighed on once a week at the GPs telling me that my weight is remaining the same. My mum said to me today that I look awful, but I don't look gray like I did at the hostel and I haven’t got black under my eyes. I believe she’s just saying that, and really is thinking I have gotten healthier. She knows everything about me now, that I did make myself sick in the past, which I had always denied. Right this moment in time I want to go running. My BMI is about 14-15ish. I feel fat and because of what my mum said, I feel fatter and I hate it and don’t know what to do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/14/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Tracy
Anorexia has consumed 14 years of my life. Treatment centers have become my safe havens - reunions seem to take place each year, and I am currently at a point of having to again make some crucial decisions about changing destructive patterns. I have learned a lot about my disease and definitely have a rational side.....I suppose that is why I'm still alive, but this actually makes the struggle all the more difficult. I am so frustrated by not being able to completely surrender to what is "the truth" - that terrifying honest voice that gets so easily drowned out by the voice of the disease, while I stand back in silence - lost, confused, angry, scared, but somehow comforted, calmed by my madness.....at least for a moment.
My body and mind go on surviving. I exist; I do not LIVE. I yearn to find a definition for that word. And the worst part is feeling so in need of support and understanding and realizing the damning truth.....that the only ones who really know it have lived it, and where do you find those people??? In treatment! So, the cycle begins, or never ends.
For today - for right now - I want to pull the emergency break and jump off this dejected ferris wheel. Others may think it looks like fun, but they only view it from afar. Up close you smell the stench left from the discreet pit stops of myriad beer guzzling frat brothers and uncomfortable pops, grandpops, and tots who "just can't hold it." Your leg gets stuck to the bright green wad of Bubblicious that some smart ass preteen was too lazy to look for a trash can to dispose of. You sit on seats that have been stained by many a noncompliant patron who take launch with full soda in hand. There are dents and nicks from flailing arms and limbs, the harnesses are frayed from wear and tear. The gears screech with each go-round.....at what point, exactly, might the "FUN" begin? I could have described this experience many ways over the years, but I can guarantee that this adjective would never have crossed my lips.
From this point on, I'm sticking to go carts and video games.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/31/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lindsey
My story is I have had an eating disorder for a little over 11 years. I have been to two different programs, one at Highland Park and the other at Rogers in WI. At Rogers I ended up with a feeding tube like five times! I do not eat meals, only a few fat-free crackers if I get dizzy. Besides my eating disorder, I am a sick person - I always get sick. I lock myself in my room all day and spend the morning working out. I do not talk to anyone. So I am very alone - everyone gave up on me! So I am trying to decide if I need the help anymore.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/27/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Brandon
Hi. My story in short is I met my next door neighbor last week who is a 37-year-old female. She had just moved in down below me and came up to my apartment to ask me to turn my stereo down. Well, I let her into my apartment to show her that it was really not all that loud. A friend of mine was in from out of town, who is a musician, and we asked her to listen to a demo CD to get her opinion on it. I told her that I would burn a copy of it for her later and bring it down to her later in the week. After she left, my friend remarked to me how skinny she was. I didn't really notice because she had been wearing loose fitting clothes.
When we brought the CD down to her apartment, I was horrified to see how skinny she was. My friend was, too. She showed us some pics of her when she weighed more and she was very attractive.
Well, my friend went home, and I had borrowed a CD from this girl and returned it to her last weekend. I again noticed and brought up to her how skinny she was. She told me that it was because of a thyroid condition she has. I was at her apartment for about two hours. We had a great conversation, she's very articulate and smart. But she seemed to want to touch me - she was laying on the floor and asked me to help pick her up. God, I felt like I was going to break her in half.
Then the next morning, Sunday, I noticed an envelope on my floor. She had written me a note stating that the conversation we had had about her weight bothered her and she wanted me to give her a call at my convenience. I called her later in the day, left a message on her answering machine, and she called me later that night. She first talked about all the flooding we were having in the area, told me I should not go out on the road the next day because of it (I'm in outside sales), and other things. I pointedly asked her about the note left under my door, and at first she did not want to talk about it. But then she said to me (now I've only known her for five days at his point) that she has decided that she is going to confide in me, that she has decided that she is going to be my friend and told me that she has an eating disorder that started when she was 11 years old. She is now 37 years old. She told me that she weighs 68 pounds. She is living on disability, and her parents are paying for her apartment. She was also an alcoholic and quit drinking January 5 of this year. She is a great person, has a great spirit, and I like her. But she looks dead in the eyes, she looks like a stick figure. Her bookshelf is full of Asian cooking books, and she claims that she is always cooking soup and loves Asian food. Now here comes my problem. I have to catch myself with what I say and do. I used to judge a girl on their appearance, until I met this girl. Fifteen years ago when I was younger, I dated a few aspiring models, a couple of girls that were in Playboy magazine. I still have some opportunities today to hook with some really attractive women. This is not about getting a date with this girl or anything else. I actually really like this girl for who she is inside, something that has never happened to me before, and I really want to help her out. I must admit if a relationship developed, I might not say no, even if it happened tomorrow at the state that she is in. But I need advice on what I should and should not do and how I can help her out. I think something or some things happened to her to cause this when she was younger that was tragic. I am willing to stick with her and fix this. Can anyone give me any advice??????
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/16/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessie
I have had trouble with food and being underweight for a long time, but I also had a drinking problem which masked my eating disorder for a little while. I have had the diagnosis of anorexia for about eight years. At the moment I have a BMI of 14.8 and am on a waiting list for inpatient treatment, which I keep refusing. I am between four to six weeks away from being sectioned. I really need some support to get my head around this. I really look forward to hearing from you.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/10/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Taylor
Unlike a lot of other people that have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, my struggles with my weight and mental health did not develop in my later years, as you can tell by my age. Although there was never a conscious decision on my part to become anorexic, I would say that the early developments of my eating disorder came about when I was 13.
I had always been concerned by my weight, and dieting had been a lifestyle for me as early as I can remember. My mother is naturally very skinny and has always been picky about what she eats. In comparison, I am built like my father, rather tall for my age and large framed. My mother being young (having me at age 16), I have always felt I was being compared to her, which I assume could be where my dieting originated from.
Being a student in a small (75 students per grade) premier private middle school, at age 13 was certainly a lot of pressure - 95% of the girls I attended middle school with were trim and tiny and always left me feeling out of place. Dieting became my safe haven, and knowing that the more I dieted the stronger I was, I began to diet more and more drastically. By the end of my seventh grade year, fasting had become a major part of my "diet."
It wasn't until eighth grade that I considered that I had an eating disorder. My extreme dieting was always something that I’d tried to conceal from family and friends, in fear that they'd take action against it. But I decided that whatever I had, eating disorder or not, it was working, and I continued on with it. I began seeking refuge with other "anas" I knew, gathering motivation and support. At the end of eighth grade I had dropped a fair amount of weight. Things went downhill when a coach began noting my dieting habits. Before cross country, when other runners were encouraged to eat a healthy snack, I ate and drank nothing. Towards the end of the year and cross country season, I passed out on our track. For the rest of the year it was mandatory that I was monitored by teachers during lunch and even had to be escorted to the bathroom.
I would be happy to report that this sudden height in attention and outside involvement brought my eating disorder to an end, but the truth is that it didn't stop. Upon leaving school, I continued with my anorexia. I am now a soon-to-be sophomore in high school and am still struggling to resist my sickness. I have sought help on more than one occasion, but in the end nothing has brought my illness to an end. I know the terrible effects of this eating disorder, as I have officially stunted my height and growth and am currently facing an iron deficiency and anemia.
I am constantly battling myself, and in the future hope to have more success with recovery than I am having now. It's a hard life to live and I hope people know that this truly is a disease and not a choice.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/09/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
Let's see, the first time I stopped eating was when I was a sophomore in high school. Surprisingly, I never thought I was fat, I actually thought I was pretty skinny. However, I was an awkward teenager, never thought I was attractive, and did have issues with my body, though not with my weight. I moved right before my freshman year and was very unhappy at my school. So, I switched to a private school, where I received a scholarship. While I felt more accepted here, I still felt overwhelmed with my own expectations and I never seemed to fulfill them. So, I began to stop eating - just lunch at first, though I never ate breakfast, and would eat something small for dinner. I had an iced tea every day for lunch. Both my parents work, so eventually I stopped eating dinner, too, and they just never knew. I was very unhappy, but didn't let anyone know about it. Eventually, I just sort of quit on my own, realizing if I didn't, I would kill myself. The lowest weight I got down to was 106, and I'm 5'7" - not too small, but small enough for people to start noticing. I averaged out at 118, although originally I was 121-125. I got into an emotionally abusive relationship for a few years, went to college, and broke off the relationship. I became even more stressed at college, expecting myself to be perfect. This year I got into a new,
but still long distance relationship, and while it is much better
than the last, it’s very tolling. A few months ago, I became.....overwhelmed. I'm now on antidepressants, seeing a counselor. I have problems with accepting things about myself, some bad things happened to me when I was little, and I'm a very closed person. I'm actually amazed I'm writing this and will be more amazed if I send it. Recently I think about suicide and I stopped eating for a few weeks awhile ago. I am now constantly obsessed with my weight and always think I look fat. I'm now 115 and I just feel so average. And I was to be spectacular. The antidepressants also suppress my appetite, so I'm finding it hard to eat more than 1-2 meals per day - I actually feel sick doing it. I hope to stop them over the summer so I can eat healthily, but they have really helped me overcome my depression, so I'm a little scared. I'm a pretty messed up person, I scare myself, and most of my friends have no idea. Even friends who are also anorexic rarely understand what I'm really feeling. Thanks
for letting me get this out there, it does make me feel a little
better.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/08/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kat
I have been anorexic and bulimic for almost two years now. For a couple months it was off and on, but now it’s getting worse. I have been eating very little and if I do eat, I don't keep it down. I live in a group home, and they are really worried. They say they might have to send me down to an eating disorder clinic that can help me more than they can because they don't know what to do. I don't know what to do either. It is so hard to stop and it’s just getting worse. I have no one I can talk to because they don't understand.
Well, I hope to hear from you soon.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/28/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Ann
I'm a mom struggling with an anorexic daughter who is 15. She has turned the corner, but I feel that I need support in helping her to stay strong and believe in her choices.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/27/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Trixy
I'm looking for some pen pals who can understand my point of view.
Some years ago I had some ED problems, but I'm not sure about the word "problem". I think anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/16/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rosie
At age 10 I was disgusted with my appearance. I thought I was fat, and my thighs were too big - and no girl wants thunder thighs - no one will like you. So I started dieting at 10. I spent all my allowance on diet books and pills. I was even scared to be around food because I thought smelling and inhaling it would cause me to gain weight. I stopped drinking milk because it’s pure fat and I would eat about 300 calories, if that, a week. I was taken to a doctor and every week at my weigh in I would weigh less, and he would give me a goal for my weight and not tell me what it was until it was reached. But I basically didn't care what he said - I kept not eating. I got down to 59 lbs., until they put me in the hospital. The nurses made me eat about 3/4 of my food on my plate. But I’d flush it or just hide it and pretend I ate it. But it was noticeable I wasn't eating when my weight kept dropping. I ran away a couple of times and hid away in secret rooms at the hospital. I was living in fear of my next meal that was going to be forced down my throat. I eventually had to be put on a feeding tube because I was shrinking and wasting away. I've been hospitalized four times and I've been in rehab twice. But nothing seems to change my frame of mind. I look at pro ana sites daily to give me incentive to keep going on. I still don't eat and I’m 15 now. I weigh 87 lbs. and I’m 5'8", so I look pretty messed up. I've seen pictures, but I refuse to look at them now. I don't know what to do anymore - I’m going insane. I need help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/12/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Anna
I have gone through a very hard year, but with the support of my
friends and family, I have come through it. I don't know how or why, but I have and I just don't want anyone else to go through this. I want to help anyone I can as best as I can to get through things. I am now on the road to recovery. My weight is up to 7 and a half stone and I am on antidepressants, which help a lot.
My problems started around a year ago when I just decided to lose a bit of weight. But I no way thought it would go as far as it did. At first I ate salads and did more exercise the healthy way, but after awhile I got obsessed. The more people were on at me, the more I did it. I made myself sick and lost over 2 stone. When I was down to 6 stone, I was so weak and always very cold. I don't want to be listing my symptoms and telling you all how hard things have been and moaning on. I just want to offer my help to anyone who is willing to accept it and help someone through it, as people helped me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/05/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Christina
Well, there is no other way to put this - I am so extremely unhappy with my body. I know a lot of people feel this way and in some cases probably more than me, however, I am at the stage where I want to do something about it. I've tried the whole “cutting back” thing, and it really didn't work. I've been through so many diets, it's not even funny. I weighed myself the other day and was shocked to find out that I weigh 175 lbs.! It's terrible, and I'm almost to the point where depression is gonna set in.
There has been one time in my life where I engaged in rapid weight
loss, and that was when I got my tonsils out. I couldn't for the life of me eat, and believe me I wanted to. In two weeks I lost about 20 pounds. When I got back to school, everyone noticed how much weight I had lost, and for once I felt a little bit better about myself. But of course all good things must come to an end.
I slowly, but surely, gained the weight back and now have put on five more unnecessary pounds.
I link my lack of “dating” people with how big I am. I know guys
don't like super skinny people, but I know they don't like 175 lb.
girls either. Luckily I have supportive friends who encourage the
heck out of me and tell me I look fine the way I am and that I don't look even close to 175 lb. (which may be true, but it's not good enough for me). My desirable weight is 120 lbs., which means I want to lose 55 lbs. I would love to do all this before prom because, well there is a dress involved, and in my case a dress that's a little clingy.
Today I didn't eat..... And to be completely honest with you, I'm not even hungry (but the big word that should come after this is - YET). I know anorexia is not the greatest thing to get into, but I'm at the end of my rope. It is a mental game that I will play and win. I will know when to stop, and that is when my scale says 120 lbs. I have loving family and friends who will help me if I become out of control. I am going to not eat for as long as I possibly can. I have gym class, so I'll be active every day and I will take the necessary steps after gym is done to stay fit.
I just need to do this. Ill be so much happier. Some support or advice wouldn't hurt either.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/04/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Caryl Anne
My best friend Jen, she is 16, we have known each other for about six years. When she started going out with this guy, she stopped eating kinda and all because she wanted to be skinny for him. He just found out about this, and it's been seven months almost. Now she's not eating at all and she wants help now because her boyfriend said that if she doesn't start eating, he would break up with her. Now she wants help, but she doesn't know how. We tell her to eat, and she won't. She says that if she eats, she pukes, and if she's hungry, she doesn't feel like eating. I'm really worried about her and I can't lose her from this. I know what she's going through - I'm a recovering bulimic. She just doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I say that she's more pretty and that why should she worry about it, when I look even worse. Then she says don't think like that, that I'm more pretty than she is, and why would I think that about myself. Then I start crying because I don't want to lose her. Please help me get through to her that she doesn't need to do this to herself and that she's beautiful the way she is. I love her and I can't live without her in my life. I can't lose her.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/03/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Felicha
Well, I have always thought of myself as an overweight person. But until after I had my second child, I have really put on some weight and I can't seem to get rid of all this excess fat. I'm 5'5”, 208 lbs., and I don't know how to get rid of it. I try to go on diets and exercise. Nothing seems to work. I'm in the process of trying to get approved for a breast reduction to see if that will take off some pounds, but I still have an issue with my large belly and large chicken-flapping arms. On some days I feel okay, and then there are days where I feel so huge, that I don't even step foot outside - I stay inside all day waiting for my kids to come home. Well, I am seriously looking up all sorts of information on anorexia. I'm not sure if this is a mind thing or what, but it is serious.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/29/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Tara
I have been stuck in a cycle of starving/binging/purging/overexercising and recovery for eight years now. Counselors I have seen agree that I hang onto my food obsession so that I feel I have some control in one area of my life. I would love to put it all behind me, but I have a long way to go and usually feel that I don't have the strength. For me it is a 24-hour-a-day fight, one that I may be losing. The worst thing is that I live in an isolated city where there is no eating disorder support. Many times I have searched for online support, and it has taken me to pro-ana sites. To slip back into anorexia and bulimia is always the easiest option. I would love to talk to people who have recovered or who are trying to recover. Sometimes I just want to speak with someone who really understands.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/23/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Yulia
I stopped eating as much because of lack of time. Then I just stopped eating dinner and I never ate breakfast. I would run on a bagel a day and I was fine with it. I got time studying because I didn't have to eat. When I realized, "hmm...this might be a bad thing," I told my friend. She, too, has an "eating disorder" - overeating. We went to talk to our old 8th grade guidance counselor, who was really worried. I felt bad for making him worry, so now I'm working on eating more. I'm really afraid I'll relapse (I actually kind of want to...) and stop eating again. That's just about it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/21/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jennifer
I've just started starving myself. I figure if it's lunch at school, my parents won't notice. But I still eat breakfast and dinner, so I'm not sure if I qualify as an anorexic yet. I am clinically depressed, but I'm on medication. I have very low self-esteem.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/14/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Meredith
June 16 will be the one year anniversary of my discharge from Fariwinds Treatment Center on South Fort Harrison in Clearwater. I was anorexic for two years. I got down to 84 pounds, and then they put me into a treatment hospital. It was one of the best things that could of happened to me in my life. I would like to help others through their difficulties. Yes, i still have my thoughts and fears, but by helping others, I think it would help me see what I never want to go back to.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/12/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kathryn
I have been dealing with anorexia for 19 years. I had a short remission, but then I started relapsing a year ago, and it's gotten out of hand again. I go for counseling once a week.
I first became anorexic when I was 19 years old. After I graduated from high school, I was very unhappy. I saw all my friends move away and go off to college or get married. I felt like a failure. I grew up in a Christian home, but was not close to either parent. My mom was a perfectionist and was very hard on me. I am a twin and I always felt like my parents were ashamed of us. We could never seem to please them or do anything right in their eyes. For reasons I didn't understand, my parents constantly picked on us about our outward appearance. They were always trying so hard to change or improve the way we looked.
Even when we were out of high school, our clothes had to be approved by them and our hair had to be fixed the way they wanted. In our house we weren't allowed to make any mistakes or that would be enough reason for them to sit down with us for two hours and lecture us about what it means to be a woman, and usually there were a lot of put downs.
One day I lost some weight, and people would comment on how good I looked. I was never overweight, but I didn't feel good about my body or the way I looked because of my parents. It felt good to have someone say that I looked great the way I am. It started to become an obsession. My parents were furious and would shove food down my throat. I would go to bed every night crying because my parents would make me eat a huge bowl of ice cream and all kinds of fattening desserts. The more weight I lost, the angrier they became. But it gave me a high to lose weight.
My parents couldn't deal with my eating disorder and never got me the help I needed. Once they took me to a pastor, but when he told them that they were too strict and to let me do things at home my way, they never took me back.
I moved out of the house a few times, but my eating disorder always sent me back home. It was always ten times worse every time I would go home. I thought being out on my own would make me happy, but I found myself alone a lot, and that made me sad,lonely and I would not eat for days or months.
My father died in 1987, and I blamed myself. I knew that I had been such a great disappointment to him and I wanted so much for him to be back here on earth so I could tell him things that I couldn't when he was alive. I lived with my mother for two years after his death, and things were pretty bad. Mother couldn't accept Dad's death. She was an emotional wreck. My twin sister was married at the time and about to have a baby. I felt like a failure in every way. Mom was a basket case and would panic if I went out with my friends because she hated being alone. I just wanted to get away from it all. We ended up living with my grandparents for a year, and it was very difficult on me because they were only concerned about Mom and couldn't even see how much I was hurting. This instilled the belief in me that I was unimportant and that none of them cared about me or what I was going through. I have an older brother Bobby who has never wanted anything to do with me or my sister. He was very cruel to me through my eating disorder and would spit in my face and tell me he'd like to throw me out the window. I was scared of him.
I moved out after a year because Mom and I were not getting along, and one time she had her hands around my neck. That scared me, and I knew that either I better leave or one of us would kill the other. The stress was so bad. I always had a hard time dealing with my mother. She made me feel like the ugly duckling.
I have been in four different hospitals and almost died four times. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in October of 1998 and died December 17, 1999. During her 14 month illness was the first time my mother ever showed love or kindness to me. She never said she was sorry, but I believe she was sorry for a lot of things that went on and were said.
Growing up in my household was a difficult thing. My sister Kelly and I really had no life. Both my parents were perfectionists, and it was our job to take care of the house. Mother and father wanted us to learn how to do everything. I used to get so mad because my brother didn't have any responsibilities at home. He was popular and had lots of girlfriends. I resented him a lot and believed that my parents never loved us because I didn't feel their love and I didn't feel special or important to them.
I liked to draw and have been drawing and painting since I was a young child. My parents saw it as a sign of immaturity and would become angry over it. Drawing was a way of releasing all the anger I felt. My mother cared more that we girls clean house, and everything had to be clean and orderly. I had a few friends, but no one was ever allowed to come over and play, and no friends were allowed to spend the night. My sister Kelly was a loner and she preferred it that way. But I wanted friends so badly. I wasn't happy at home and felt like a failure because I didn't have many friends. I never had a boyfriend, and that made me feel like there was something wrong with me.
My parents were Christians, but I thought most of the time they were hypocrites. How could you claim to be a follower of Christ and make your children feel like they are not loved and treat them so badly? It took me many years, but I learned that I am not a bad person. I left my home church in 1996 (which was Pentecostal) and started going to a Baptist church. I am still with that church today, and they have shown me a great deal of love and support. When I relapsed, I was afraid what people would say. But to my surprise I got a lot of love and support from the people in my church who have been more like family to me then my own. Still, it's hard because even though people want to understand, a lot still don't understand eating disorders. I still feel like I'm on a high when I restrict food. I know that's not what God wants, but it's something I struggle with everyday.
A friend of mine wanted me to join a recovery group she was going to at her church. I went to one session to see how it was, but felt uncomfortable because I was the only one with anorexia. I don't know anyone that has struggled with this. It is nice to know there is a support group on-line. I not only want to get support, but also want to support others who are dealing with anorexia. Does anyone ever worry they will die from this? I do everyday.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/12/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: April
I have been suffering from anorexia and bulimia since I was 15 years old. In the past two years I suffered from anorexia and got very low in weight. I have been in a treatment program for the past three months and now on the slow, hard road to recovery.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/12/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Chloe
I don't have an eating disorder yet... but lately I feel like I'm not skinny any more. When I was younger, I was always skinny and I always had a "great" body. But my brother has been calling me "fat" and "fatty" and a "fat a**." I have also gained some weight this year, now being 107. I fit in a zero, but I'm short - that's the only reason why I'm still in a 0. I have lately been watching what I eat and working out a lot harder. I’m glad to see some people going through the same thing.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/08/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rebecca
My story begins many years ago. At the age of 14 my battle with Ana began. I fought it silently for years, while hiding my habits from family, friends and teachers. After 10 years, I finally agreed to therapy. I managed to be recovered for one year. Now I am right back in the cycle. I have no one that I can talk to that understands my thoughts and feelings. They just say "Get over it" or "I don't understand." I need someone who can support me and help me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/04/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Chelsea
I have always been on edge about my weight, I have been brought up in a slim family, and it feels like I am the only one who is big. I weigh 154 lbs. and I'm 5'6". I have recently been interested in anorexia and at the moment I'm trying fasting, but it's proven so far to be unsuccessful.
I am also a cutter and have been depressed since I was 12, which was when I first overdosed myself, also proven to be unsuccessful, lol.
I am an ana wannabe. Everyone I have spoken to has told me to turn away, but for some reason I won't. I do know the dangers, but the more people tell me turn away, I am just more determined to do it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/23/06
YOUR FIRST NAME: Katina
Umm..I'm not really sure where to begin with my eating problems. I think it all started the end of 10th grade, at my sister?s graduation, when everyone started noticing my stretch marks on my inner thigh and knee (that I just got from puberty..or I'm not sure where). Everyone was making such a big deal out of it, and I guess I just thought I was fat. See, my whole life I've been the one with the good body and all of a sudden, I was stretch mark girl. So I basically stopped eating for awhile and just worked out constantly in a butt load of sweats. I'm not sure how long I did this for, but it just stopped one day when I was so hungry and I just couldn't help myself. I began to over eat, but then again started starving a couple weeks before my family went to Greece in the summer. Of course, I had to look good in a bathing suit.
At the beginning of this year, I finally thought my "eating disorder" (not sure if I have one or not) was gone, but it started back up again around homecoming, when I wanted to get down to a size 0. This is when I began using laxatives and going to Lifetime everyday. It worked, and I felt good! But then I binged and ruined it all. My lowest weight has been 108 in the past eight months and my highest has been like 130 lbs., which makes me sick. Currently I am 115ish and hoping to keep getting lower. I only eat about 200 calories a day and go to YOGA/powerhouse as much as I can. I have also began not only using laxatives, but diet pills that I purchased from GNC and Kroger.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/12/06
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