a tear written 02.14.03
What do I hate about tears?
Everything they touch smears.
Lines on paper fade and blur.
Vision becomes cloudy and obscure.
Down my cheeks mascara begins to run,
I lose control and come undone.
Tears they live on and on,
Long after I think they're gone.
A piece of me dies each time I cry,
It's so hard to feel them dry.
A memory of a tear will always remain,
I'm forever reminded by it's stain.
screw it written 02.13.03
screw this life
screw this strife
screw the neverending pain
screw the still pounding rain
screw not being me
screw the things i never see
screw the part of me i gave to you
screw what it is i'm going through...
under the moon written 02.03
under the moon
we both lie at night
with the stars shining
ever so bright
though we are miles
and miles apart,
rest assured that you
have my heart.
so drift off to dream
and sleep tight,
cuz under the same moon
i'll dream tonight.
reflection written 11.11.02
i search the reflection in the mirror
yearning for something else to see
than the broken soul staring back at me
looking through the swollen and shadowed features,
i see eyes, bloodshot and blood red.
so barely alive, and looking dead.
tear trails tattooed down my cheeks
the toxins starting to burn through
my face now becoming a faded hue.
staring down upon the knife
maybe it will take away my strife
i'm so weak, do not tempt me
pain so deep you'll never see
no not here in the reflection
it is my only protection.
what's with life? written 11.02
i'm tired of the pain
thirsty for the rain
that would fill my soul
and make me whole
wanting something sweet,
yet again i am beat.
hanging on by a thread
checkin' to see if i'm dead
trying to escape this emotional death
but please don't hold your breath.
us,gone written 10.02
how would i begin
to replace a friend?
i can't you see,
you mean too much to me.
i thought we'd be together through it all,
but i'm beginning to feel us fall.
we both have to hold on,
otherwise the friendship will be...gone.
lost written 09.26.02
sometimes i wonder what i'm doing here
i sit here and think about all the things i've done
and all the things i want to do.
but in the end i get confused.
i try to find what's in my heart, and in my mind
hoping it'll help me find my way.
but still i wonder who i am and why i'm here
god sometimes i want to disappear,
find a place to hide and cry
and no one understands why.
a thousand thoughts written in 2002
i want to put into words what i feel;
someway, somehow make it real.
lately life's been a blur
everything feels obscure.
a thousand thoughts flow in my mind
putting me in this maddening bind
they rush in at the same time
without reason, without rhyme.
i'd turn them off if i could
you've got to know i would.
these things don't just disappear,
no matter how long you look in the mirror.
how long will it take,
for this vicious cycle to break?
there is only so much i can do,
before i begin to come unglued.
uncovered written in 2002
sometimes life's too much to bear
it's as though no one cares
we carry the burden on our own
cuz we feel like we are all alone
why wouldn't we?
people are so selfish these days
hostile and apathetic in their ways
what's the point in living life
with emotions cut by a knife?
i refuse to believe this is it
even if others don't give a shit
i wanna be able to peel this mask off
i wish it were as easy as faking a cough
i will persist to remove it from my face
even if i risk my pride and lose my grace
i'm not for sure who is to blame
i'm just tired of playing this game
because when its my turn to die
i wanna know i wasn't living a lie
here written in fall 2002
i search for you
search for your face
something familiar in this place.
they can't find me out
don't want them to see
all that isn't me.
not gonna be that anymore
no it will not be done
can't be everything to everyone
so i will remain here
lying here raw and real
remembering i bleed and feel.
just let go written in winter 2002
i've been living in the past
wearing it around like a cast.
i don't know what i wanted to gain
cuz i sure as hell hate the pain.
but its so hard to just let go
not knowing if time is friend or foe
it is a choice some of you will say
but have you ever felt this way?
to wake up and want to get out of bed
to shake sad thoughts from my head.
it's not only something that i need
but something for which i would bleed.
i want to say so much but the words won't come out
my soul and mind are blocked with doubt.
undecided written fall 2002
i'm tired of trying to figure it all out
my mind's always filled with doubt.
which path am i supposed to take?
it's a decision i don't wanna make.
the answer isn't crystal clear
i can't hurt what i hold dear.
when i wake up where do i wanna be?
when i open my eyes what will i see?
i wish it were all in black and white,
no gray shadows for me to fight.
these thoughts tempt and tease my mind,
i search them unknowing of what i'll find.
i fear i'll know the answer way too late,
if only one day wouldn't decide my fate.
what if i fail or change my mind?
will i be left too far behind?
more questions arise everyday,
the answers seem so far away.
i just need to know what to do,
so my heart won't be torn in two.
let me be me written fall 2002
if you don't understand,
don't pretend to.
to be there for me was
all i needed from you.
but you try to fix things,
just let me be.
all i ever wanted was for you,
to love me for me.
that means taking both bad and good
not just see what you want.
but maybe you're too blind to see,
so i'll just be blunt.
i'm tired of being all you want me to be,
and denying my heart,
so let me be happy and free,
without it tearing us apart.
