ELEPHANT JOKES
- Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
- Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
- Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
- Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
- Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
- Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
- Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
- Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
- Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
- Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
- Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
- Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
- Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
- Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?
- Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
- Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
- Q: Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!
- Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native trying to eat cherries.
- Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
- Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
- Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
- Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
- Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
- Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and annoy the monkeys.
- Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
- Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
- Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
- Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
- Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
- Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
- Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
- Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two at the front, two at the back.
- Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
- Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
- Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
- Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
- Q: What is more difficult than getting two elephants in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
- Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
- Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the mini door, take the elephant out, close the mini door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
- Q: How do you get four elephants into a mini?
A: 2 in the front and two in the back
- Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
- Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
- Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
- Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a mini parked outside it.
- Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
- Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
- Q: What did the fifth elephant in the mini discover?
A: The sun roof.
- Q: The Lion (King of all the Animal) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the mini.
- Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?
A: None, it's full of elephants!
- Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
- Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
- Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
- Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
- Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
- Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
- Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
- Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
- Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
- Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
- Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
- Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
- Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
- Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
- Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
- Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
- Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
- Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
- Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Ha ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
- Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch."
- Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 200 gallons of Coca Cola ...
- Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
- Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
- Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
- Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
- Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
- Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
- Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
- Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
- Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
- Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
- Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
- Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
- Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
- Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
- Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
- Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
- Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
- Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
- Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
- Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
- Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
- Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
- Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
- Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: It didn't work.
- Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
- Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
- Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!".
- Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
- Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
- Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
- Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
- Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
- Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
- Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
- Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
- Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
- Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: Five. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
- Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)
- Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
- Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
- Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")
- Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.
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