MY EDUCATION CONTINUES

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the years.

1. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or my foot.

2. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

3. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

4. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

5. Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

6. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

7. I can no longer enjoy a slice of lemon with my iced tea or water from a restaurant because I don't know WHAT bacteria is lurking on the rind.

8. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

9. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

10. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258^th time.

11. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

12. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

13. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

14. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

15. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

16. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

17. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

18. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

19. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

20. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.

21. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

22. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

23. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

24. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

25. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

26. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

27. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

28. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

29. I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies