And what
is desire?
This I would rather say to the living
God who hears.
I forsake you just as you must forsake
yourself.
Yes, life requires the highest
price. Save me, oh God, from this death
which I now face. Save me not from
this world, oh God. Be my
guiding light. This my prayer.
Renewal
Empty and grey, how the days seemed for
so long
I shut the door and prayed
I reflected
I learned a lot behind that closed
door
I have left the dead
I have been renewed
The Light Has Come
Darkness covers everyone.
Who has not awakened from the cry
Arise.
It was not the boogie man seeking
you.
"Arise, shine, for the light has
come."
Yet some would curse the light,
Choice, not happenstance, dictates which
you bathe in,
Shine.
How easy to make promises at a
distance.
Distance of time or space
or opportunity.
Safe from
recrimination or fulfillment.
Just
like a prayer.
Truly heartfelt at
the moment.
But necessary only
because the reality is not present.
It speaks only of desire.
that which we do not
have
and feel incapable of
achieving.
And thus we ask of the
heavens above to grant.
Validate my heart, I cry,
with that
which I cannot validate with my
life.
Is that not the epitome of
hypocrisy?
I cannot commit.
I cannot believe.
I cannot be.
Help me in my unbelief.
And
should he grant this wish,
what pain
lies before me?
That I may only
attain by this painful death.
Then,
please, I cry, be with me in this
death.
My God, My God, do not
forsake me.
And what answer do I
hear?
The death you die, you die
alone.
My only promise is to be
here
on the other side of this dark
abandonment.
Above all else, you
must believe,
believe in what lies
beyond the grave.
Oh, death, where
is thy victory?
Oh, grave, where is
thy sting?
But not paid to achieve the
highest reward.
You can deceive me
no more than you can deceive yourself.
Desire which is stronger than will
becomes will.
And when desire and
will become one,
death is a
necessary outcome.
Death of easy
money.
Death of pride.
Death of
gain.
Death of even the flesh which
surrounds the will and the desire.
Death, dark, dark, death.
For in this life I
know not one soul
who cares to
perpetuate my love's glory.
I know
not one soul who can live this my dream
for me.
It remains only to be seen
in the next world.
Save me from my
lack of courage to face this dark
death,
that portal to the world of
desire.
No, no, do not save me!
Guide me.
As on it's brinks I now
stand
and find glory alone worthy of
any feeble effort I now attempt.
But I vowed to be in it
to be with it
Not to run to the noise of unseeing
masses
celebrating life
Until I had something to contribute
And then I would decide if I would
join
But not out of lonliness
I would become that thing which I feared
the most
I would know it from corner to dark
corner
We would either dine or starve
together
Prayed to God that he would not let me
out
until I knew what I should know
To spare my life, yes,
grief, no
Why should I be spared sorrow and
lonliness
Who was I that life should be glib and
soft
I saw a woman smug and self-righteous
and vain,
weak and ill-tempered
Who did not even know the reasons for
her feelings,
nor the motives behind
her actions
a complainer, a whiner, a malcontent
unable to change her own self
yet having the gall to judge everyone
else
Not how to deal with loss, sorrow or
pain
Not how to deal with lonliness or
depression
Not even how to be a better person
I learned how to view myself
for what I really was
covered in the filth of pride
buried in the ignorance of judgment
chained in the prison of greed
blinded by the artificial light of
vanity
and loaded with the weight of
ingratitude
to bury the dead
I have come out of the tomb
to the land of the living
where we are so few
I have not rejoined the masses
in the way that seems right to them
that always seemed right to me
I have been renewed
I see things differently now
I see
Understanding is the beginning of wisdom
It is part of the human experience.
And we curse the darkness
as if it
could hear.
of
his own muffled screams in the
night?
As if the intruder were outside.
Our nightmares are only wake-up calls to
our visions.
"Awaken, oh dreamer, from your sleep."
And when you awaken, arise.
Do not remain in the same painful
unawareness
as you entered into upon
repose.
Awaken and arise.
It was a warning from your own soul,
slipping, falling, tumbling into
darkness.
A place it does not belong.
Cannot bear.
No need to return and analyze it.
No need to drag in paid professionals or
trusted confidants.
just as they curse the darkness.
Lashing out in rage and frustration.
Believing that nothing good exists or
lasts.
Afraid that the light will leave them
or fail them or prove to be a
mirage.
But the light nevers leaves or fails
us.
Ah, but neither does the darkness.
which you believe in,
which you trust.
You are never good enough for the
light.
You are never bad enough for the
darkness.
The soul is neither worthy nor
unworthy.
The invitation stands -- come weary
soul.
Life and light and love await you.
"But where", you cry, where?
If I could find it, I would go to
it."
Shine.
For the light has come!
It is inside you, even in your darkest
hour.
"But how do I shine?" you cry.
Think of me, my darling and how much I
love you.
"But how can you love me?" you ask.
What a silly question.
How can I not love you, my darling.
I am you.