My Fellow Americans

[On screen appears the Seal of the President of the United States.]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.

[Fade in. Trent is sitting at the desk in the oval office. His arms are folded and his head is at an odd angle. His eyes are closed, and we hear a gentle snore.]

Secret Service Agent [VO]: Uh, Mr. President?

[Trent snores again, and a stick appears from the right of the screen, gently nudging him. He wakes with a start.]

Trent: Honest officer, I didn't know she was under... Uh, why's there a camera here?

SSA [VO]: Your speech, Mr. President.

[Trent leans forward and sees the teleprompter.]

Trent: Oh, yeah, how long til we're on?

SSA [VO]: Uh, you're live right now, sir.

Trent [Facing the screen, a sudden smile]: My fellow Americans, 'sup? [Clears throat, coughs] Glad you could join us today. Recent allegations have surfaced about my administration, allegations that are patently false, allegations concocted by my legion of detractors who, if the congress and Supreme Court hadn't gotten snotty about my using the IRS to audit people, would be very sorry today, man! [He makes an emphatic gesture.] I will address these allegations individually:

First of all, I am not a crook! I was just borrowing the money from the general fund. I would have paid it back, man. I just need a little time, okay?

Secondly, I did not sleep with that woman, Ms. Blum-Deckler.

Thirdly, I don't think I sold arms to Syria. At least, I can't remember it coming up in the cabinet meetings.

Fourthly, I did not sleep with that woman, Ms. Rowe. Not for lack of trying though. [He winks at the camera and laughs til he coughs.]

Fifthly, I was not drunk when I puked on King William III. It was jet lag, man. I only had two beers, honest. Okay, maybe three.

Sixthly, I did not sleep with that woman, Ms. Griffen. Chick's a frigidare, man.

Seventhly, I did not lie in the State of the Union address. How was I to know the yellowcake that Cuba got from Switzerland was a birthday cake for Castro. The head of the CIA, Jesse Moreno, told me it was stuff you use to make nukes. As for invading Jamaica, we weren't hitting the wrong nation, we were... what were we doing again? [He listens to his earphone.] Oh, yeah. We were doing it as a warning to Cuba that we could. And we could man! Mind your P's and Q's old man! We'll smoke you like a cigar! [Of the cuff.] Besides, don't you guys think Jamaica'll make a cool fiftieth state? [Earphone again] Huh? Fifty-first? Are you sure? [Back to camera] Fifty-first state. Now where were we? Oh, yeah...

Eightthly, Monique and I have a history, so that don't count, man!

Ninethly, I did not pardon my would-be assasin out of incompetence. I, uh, meant to do that.

Tenthly, okay, maybe I did sleep with that women, Ms. Taylor, but haven't you seen the rack on that babe? You think you could resist that, Speaker of the House Sloane? Like to see you try, wuss!

Eleventhly, any allegation that my cabinet have been commiting impopri... impro... im... [Listens to the earphone] wrongdoings left and right, that they are bandits exploiting their offices for personal gain, all I can say is this: Not all of them, man! My sister Janie is doing a bang up job as head of the National Endowment for the Arts and try to find a better Secretary of the Interior than Wind.

Twelfthly, anybody who says nepotism is rife in my administration dosn't know the meaning of the word! [Looks off-camera] What the hell does that mean, anyway? [Listens. Eyes widen in sudden comprehension.] Whoa! [To camera] Well, I'm sure I'm not the first president to hire family. Just ask Bill Bush and George W. Clinton, man. Anybody who doesn't like it can bite me!

Thirteenthly, I did not sleep with that woman, Daria's sister.

Fourteenthly, listen Daria, please reconsider your resignation as Trent's speechwriter, I'm dying up here... huh? [Looks offscreen] Naw, Max, this is good stuff. Don't sell yourself short. Where you goin', man? [Faces camera, looks at blank teleprompter, then back at camera.] Uh, okay, well I guess that about covers it, or something. [Flashes heavy metal finger sign] Stay cool, America!

[Fade to the presidential seal.]

Announcer: We will now return you to our regularly scheduled programs.

This does not come from an Iron Chef challenge, but a remark made by mman that he couldn't see Trent as a politician. Inspriration comes from the damndest places!

Daria and other characters from the show are of course, property of MTV and Viacom. Any original characters and settings are my own. This is a work of fanfic, and is therefore a work of love and not meant for profit. And all hail Glenn Eichler and Suzy Lewis!