The Blue and Yellow Submarine

Part the Second

A shimmering underwater scene. beautiful, multicolored fish swim about, turtles browse the bottom, anemones wave their colorfull fronds. Then there is a chugging sound that gets louder. The fish and turtles swim off and the anemones suck in their fronds. The Cynic sails past, with Mistik Spiral looking out the portholes in Beatlesque poses. It sails past, and the chugging fade. Once again fish swim about, turtles browse, and anemones wave their fronds.

The interior of the sub: The Spiral are looking out the portholes. Daria is in the driver's seat, trying to make heads or tails out of the manual. She is flipping through it as if she were searching.

Daria [Muttering]: Silent running, silent running... it's got to be in here, it's the biggiset submarine cliche since the depth charge...

Nick: Man, this must be the Sea of Nothingness.

Max: I can't see a damned thing.

Jesse [Pointing]: I can see my reflection.

Max and Nick stare at him.

Trent: I don't know, I like it. It speaks to an inner bleakness in me, like when you look out on the audience, where everyone is lost in their pathetic mating rituals, and no one is paying attention to the music you've worked years to perfect.

Daria: It's the Sea of Beautiful Fish, but they're being scared off by the sub's engines. If I could figure out how to make it run silently, I would, but I can't so far.

Trent goes over to where Daria is sitting. He studies the controls. The longer he stands there, the more Daria blushes. He reaches over her shoulder and flips a switch. The chugging stops and is replaced by a soft hum.

Trent: You still had it on diesel power. That's for when you're on or near the surface, charging your batteries. The electrical motors are what you use underwater.

Daria: So that's why I couldn't get it under twenty feet without stalling.

Trent: Yeah, that would flood your snorkel... whatever...

Daria: So where did you learn so much about submarines?

Jesse: Back when we were in grade school we used to go over to each other's house and watch these old movies. Some of them were about subs. We learned a lot from those.

Daria: Like what?

Jesse: Like when you had to run silent? You had to be very quiet and stare at the ceiling.

Trent: And sweat.

Jesse: Oh, yeah, you had to sweat.

Trent: Like a pig.

Jesse: But it would never work, cause the Japanese would always find you.

Trent: Yeah, because some idiot would always have to knock over a pan, or something.

Jesse: Yeah.

Daria [After a beat]: My new-found confidence in you has just plummeted like I keep expecting this rust-bucket to.

Trent [Chuckling and coughing]: That's pretty funny, Daria.

Daria [Blushing]: Um, thanks. Now where do we go from here?

Jesse: Just follow the sign.

Daria: What sign?

Jesse points out the porthole. There is a signpost with three placards. Two point to the right and say "Pepperland" and "Atlantis," while the one pointing left says "Lawndaleland."

Daria [Frowning]: How convienient.

Jesse [Grinning]: Yeah, that's what I thought too.

Trent: I think she means "too convenient," Jesse.

Jesse: You mean she doesn't want the easy way? But Daria, this is easy. You just follow the sign, Daria. See the sign?

Daria [To Trent]: Does he have an off switch?

Trent: She means it's suspicious, Jesse.

Jesse: Oh? How so?

They ignore him.

Max: So what do we do?

Daria: Well, to be perfectly honest, we could sit here for hours trying to figure out whether to trust the sign post or not, which would be boring and pointless, or we could just cut to the chase and flip a coin.

Max: Yeah!

Jesse: Cool.

Trent: That'll work.

Nick: I'm jiggy with it.

They stare at him.

Nick: What?

Daria: Alright, to prevent this from becoming a routine from "Friends", I suggest we call it before we toss it.

Max: Okay, heads.

Nick: No, tails!

Max: Heads!

Nick: Tails!

They are drowned out by the collision horn. They turn and see Daria, hand on the button, glowering at them.

Daria: What do heads and tails signify?

They are silent for a moment

Jesse: Sides... of the coin?

Daria groans an holds her head.

Trent: Heads go right, tails, left.

Daria [Quietly]: Thank you.

She stands with the quarter in her hands. She flips the coin into the air, then notices Trent smiling at her. Instead of catching it, she slaps it out of the way. It careens off Max's shaved pate, ricochets off the periscope, hits a switch, which activates an ancient victrola which proceeds to play "Deutschland ‹ber Alles," rolls across the floor and hits Jesse's shoe. Jesse reaches down and picks it up.

Jesse: Got it!

Trent: Great, what did it land on?

Jesse: Uhhhh...

Trent grabs the coin from Jesse and flips it. Before he can catch it, the sub shudders as if it had just hit something.

They rush to the starboard portholes and see a retro version of Jules Verne's Nautilus with the conning tower badly damaged from it's colision with the keel of the Cynic. Looking out on the damage is a rather disheveled Brooke, holding her nose, and a crew of Ecru Meanies.

Daria: Thank God we're animated, she could have been killed. Well, let's go topside and deny the laws of physics, just like the Beatles did.

They go topside, and Daria picks up a blue megaphone with the letters "LHS" on the side in yellow.

Daria: Ahoy, ye lubbers, who the Hell are you and why did you hit our sub?

Brooke: What? You hit us!

Daria: Never mind that, identify yourselves!

Brooke: Oh! Um, this is the LHS Versace, and I'm Cap'n Brooke! [She squinches her nose as she says this, then rubs it again.] Ouch!

Daria [Quickly, while pretending to write down what Brooke said]: Good, and we're the HMS Indefatigable Hoplite, and I'm Commodore Jean-Baptiste Miserecodiť, got that?

Brooke [Tries to write this down]: Um, yeah...? How do you spell...

Daria [Interupting]: Our insurer is, of course, Lloyds of London, case number 13-13/13. I'm sure they will be more than happy to reimburse you for the damage to your... submarine. So, who is your insurer?

Brooke [Nervously]: um, lessee... I don't know...

Daria sighs, and looks pensive

Daria: Well, I could be a really mean person, and report you to the maritime authorities...

Brooke: Eep! No! Please don't do that! I haven't even got a learner's permit!

Daria [Looking pained and sighing]: Oh, alright, I suppose we could overlook this just this once, if you'll just tell me where I can find your leader so we can work out this insurance thing.

Brooke: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, you're soooo nice! [Sends an Ecru Meanie over with a map.] Just ask for Generalissima Sandi Griffin, she'll be happy to help you. She might even give you a free makover! [She beams.]

Daria: Gee, I don't know how I could pass on that...

Brooke: Say, why is your sub painted blue and yellow? That was our old Lawndaleland colors before the revolution.

Daria: Really? Ummm, what a coincidence?

Trent: It's camoflage.

Daria: Yes, that's it. It's camoflage. We're going to the Yellow Sea to spy on the Red Chinese.

Brooke: What about the blue?

Trent: The sea may be yellow, but the sky is still blue.

Daria gives Trent a grateful look.

Brooke: Ohhh. That makes sense. Well, you have a good trip!

Daria: You too!

Brooke: Bye-ee!

Daria: Take care.

Brooke: C-ya!

Daria: So long...

Brooke: Buh-bye!!

Daria: Goodbye already!

She goes back inside with Trent and closes the hatch. She exhales in relief.

Trent [Smiling]: Boy, Daria, that was some quick thinking.

Max: Yeah, you really had her fooled.

Nick: I don't know, you'd have to be a real idiot to fall for that.

Jesse: How do you get "Daria" from "Jean-Baptiste?"

They all star at him

Daria: I get it from the silent letters, Jesse.

Jesse: Oh.

They gather round to examine the map.

Max: Who'd have thought Rand-McNally would have a map of the magical seas?

We see Daria sitting at the Captain's desk, sipping some coffee and writing in the ship's log.

Daria [VO]: Captain's log, stardate whatever, 15 days since the start of the voyage. We passed through the Sea of Storms today. I had to take a dramamine and go to bed, leaving the band to pilot the Cynic. After twelve hours and many nasty words, I've finally got us back on course.

Pages fall from a calender.

Daria [VO]: Captain's log, day 20. Damned calender fell apart. Trent said he'd fix it, but he hasn't yet. Lost three days by drifting into the Sea of Sudz. Today I have to be very quiet.

She picks up a hammer, and viciously beats it against some pipes. The moans of the damned issue from the crew quarters.

Daria [Muttering]; Revenge of the designated driver. [Back to writing, VO.] The captain is very, very unhappy...

We see the face of a clock, the hands spinning faster and faster. We see Daria's hand reach up and take the clock from the wall. There is a loud crash, and her hand returns the now shattered clock to its place on the wall.

Daria[VO]; Captain's log, stardate who-the-Hell-cares. The Sea of Time has been (will be? Will have been?) a royal pain in the ass. We have so far been chased by and escaped from a plesiosaur, the CSS Alabama, and the Seaquest DSV. Jesse was right... we stared at the ceiling and sweated, but the Japanese still found us. If Krakatoa hadn't have exploded, we'd have never made it. I'm just going to get a good book and go to bed. God knows if we'll ever get the trilobites out of the plumbing.

Newspapers spin and stop, allowing us to read the headlines:

Daria [VO]: Dear Diary. The Sea of Old Newspapers was mildly amusing, especially when Nick got upset that the dirty Spaniards blew up the Maine, *sigh*. We just let him rant. Found out Quinn is attempting to wrest the burden of power from Sandi and her mother. Not sure how it turned out, but I suspect that we will find another crepe-paper covered mannikin keeping Mom company when we get to Lawndaleland. In other news, I suspect we're being followed. As it's probably some fashion fiend, I'm taking brief detour through the Sea of Gein. Maybe the sight of all those dismembered body parts will throw them off the scent. (Can you say, "Ewwww?") Because of the Sea of Time, it is now day 5 of my journey. Go figure.

Exterior shot. We see the sub pass from an area tinted in red to one that is a more natural turquoise. We see the band and Daria looking throught the portholes. Max and Nick are facing each other, obviously engaged in an animated argument. As we fade to an interior shot, we hear what they are arguing about.

Max: It was a pancreas I tell you!

Nick: No way, it was a foot!

Max: It was a pancreas!

Nick: A foot!

Max: A pancreas!

This continues udner the following dialogue.

Trent: Man, that was weird.

Jesse: I still don't understand why they call it the Sea of Gein, though.

Daria: after Ed Gein, a grave robber and murderer from Wisconsin. THe movie "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is loosely based on his story.

Trent: So that's why all those body parts were floating around.

Jesse: Oh, yeah, I remember him now! That was the guy who used to dig up women, skin 'em and eat 'em, and dance around in the moonlight wearing their hides.

Daria: Oh, you read the book, too?

Read? Nah, I just saw it "Sick, Sad World".

Daria: Oh... [Rolls her eyes.]

Max: It was a pancreas!

Nick: A foot!

Max: A pancreas, damnit!

Nick: Ah, you wouldn't know a pancreas if it bit you on the...

Trent: Listen, I'm going to go forward and catch a few z's. Those two are driving me nuts.

Jesse: Yeah, me two. See ya, Daria.

Daria: Goodnight, you two.

Trent: See you in the morning.

Daria: Trent, is is in the morning.

Trent: Oh... okay, later then... whatever. [He smiles.]

Daria [Slight smile and blush]: Later.

They leave her. She settles down in the drivers seat, yawning, and proceeds to watch the sonar and read the manual, while the argument grows increasingly annoying. Her eyes grow big when she reads the part that says one must occasionally surface to recharge the batteries. She desperately looks for a battery charge indicater, a "low bat." light, anything on the control panel that would tell her how they were doing with power. Finally, she has had enough of Max and Nick.

Daria: Hey!

Max and Nick: What?!?

Daria: I'm tryng to concentrate here. If you two can't get along, go to opposite ends of the boat!

They storm off. Daria sits and studies the instrument panel, seeking a clue. We see it from her POV. It swims and goes dark, then jumps and brightens. It does this again, and she rubs her eyes. We watch it go dim again, fading to black. It remains dark for two beats.
Daria is suddenly awakened by a whoosh and the boat shuddering. One of the lights on the board is flashing. She checks the book, then gets up and goes forward.
Jesse and Max are in the forword torpedo room. Jesse is looking a little agrieved, and Max is is chagrined

Daria: What happened.

She looks at Max, who shuffles uneasily.

Max: Well...

Jesse: He was playing Mr. Sub Sailor and fired one of the tubes.

Daria: Oh, is that all? Well, don't worry, the school boared made sure all the torpedoes were removed. Didn't want some football player blowing up the pier.

Max: Um...

Jesse: That's not all.

Daria [Now looks worried]: What?

Max and Jesse shuffle their feet guiltily.

Jesse: Trent... was in the tube.

Daria: WHAT??!?

Jesse: Trent was...

Daria: I heard that, what I want to know is why was Trent in the torpedo tube, damnit?

Mas: Well...

Daria: Did you just draw straws to see who got to play Mr. Torpedo?

Jesse: You see, he couldn't sleep in the crew quarter with Max and Nick going at it in the crew quarters, so he told me he was going to sleep in one of the torpedo tubes to get some rest.

Daria [Face in her hands]; This can't be happening...

Suddenly, a familiar voice reverberates through the hull.

DeMartino: YOU!

Jesse: Oh, that can't be good.

DeMartino: What are YOU doing in MY OCEAN?!?

The three run in a panic back to the control room, joining Nick at the portholes.
Daria: Oh my God, we've strayed into the Sea of Monsterous Teachers!
Outside they see Trent being chased by a giant DeMartino. As he is being chased, DeMartino's eye becomes larger and launches towards him, another growing in its place.

DeMartino: You were supPOSED to have GRADuated, Lane! I NEver wanted to see your somNAMbulate form aGAIN!

Trent: Chill, man, chill!

DeMartino's eyeball misses Trent and explodes against a seamount. The seamount shrieks in a hig- pitched voice.

Barch: What wretched male DARES disturb my slumber?!?

DeMartino and Trent [Quietly]: Oh, shit...

Barch's tentacles whip out and wrap DeMartino in a death grip.

DeMartino: Baaagh!!!

Barch: You! You man! I might have known!

DeMartino: No, wait, Janet! It wasn't me! It was HIM! It was LANE!

Daria: We ought to go out there and help him.

Jesse: Yeah.

Max: Poor guy.

Nick: He really could use our help.

Daria: Yeah, we really ought to go rescue him.

They remain rooted in place by terror.

Barch: It's just like you to blame someone else. Never take any responsibility, just like a man. Well, I know what your exploding eyeball feels like. You remember what I said I'd do if I ever caught your eye on my butt again?

DeMartino: HALP!!!

Daria: I bet Trent's in a lot of trouble, too.

Jesse: Definitely.

Max: You know it.

Nick[Flinching]: Ooooh, that had to hurt.

Jesse: It's not supposed to bend that way, is it?

Meanwhile, Trent is high-tailing it for the sub, but before he gets there he is engulfed in a huge, warm, and fuzzy fist.
Trent [Trying desperetly to wiggle out of the grasp]: Hey, watch it, man!

O'Neill [Cuddling him in a sensitive and fatherly manner]: Oh, you poor little fellow, have you lost your way? Come, I'll fix you some chicken soup for the wayward soul.

Daria has leapt to the controls, and increases the sub's speed as she brings it around.
Meanwhile, a fearful trumpeting is heard through the region. Ms. Morris raises her terrible head, her mouth and nose reformed into bell of a giant vacuum cleaner. She starts sucking up other monsters around her.

Daria: Hang on, you three. I'm going to ram O'Neill.

She is ignored as they watch Barch deconstruct DeMartino.

Daria: I mean it! Hold on!

The Cynic has now turned so that its bow is aimed at O'Neiil's fuzzy, purple midsection. O'Neill is staring in horror. Little does Daria realize that he is not staring at the submarine.

Daria: Ramming speed!

Nick, Max, and Jesse look at her quizically. Then she realizes in horror that she had failed to heed her own advice... her seatbelt was unbuckled.

Daria: Ohhhh, shi...

The U-Boat hits O'Neill square in the solar plexis. He crumples in two with a mighty exhalation of air, releasing Trent in the process, who makes a succesful grab for the periscope. Meanwhile, Daria kisses the instrument panel, then is buried beneath hundreds of pounds of Mystik Spiral.

Nick: Hey!

Jesse: Yeowtch!

Max: Whoa-ho!

Daria: Ge-roffa-me!

Trent climbs down into the control room.

Trent: Thanks for the rescue, but we've got to get this crate moving real fast.

Daria: Nen-gi-dees-ridiots-rorfa-me!

Jesse: What's the matter, Trent?

Nick: Hey, watch the elbow!

Daria: I don't have to, I know exactly where it's going.

She elbows Max off of her next.

Max: Owwww! That hurt!

Daria [Having cleared the area.]: Are you alright?

Max: No, I think you broke a rib.

Daria: Not you, Trent!

Trent: Look out the window.

They look out in time to see Morris suck up Barch and what's left of DeMartino.

Jesse [Blanching]: Oh, we shoulda just stuck with anime crossovers.

Daria spins the wheel and increases the throttle to full. The lights flicker and die. Silence falls.

Daria: ...oh ...damn...

Nick: Whoa, why'd you turn out the lights?

Daria: I didn't turn out the lights, the batteries just died!

Nick: Wha?

Max: No way!

Trent: That's bad.

Jesse: I think I got a triple A in my pager.

They would stare at him, if they could see him.

Jesse: Okay, so maybe it's not new, but I'm sure it has some juice in it.

Daria [Deciding it would be too much trouble to explain]: We need a D cell, Jesse.

Jesse: Oh... I ain't got one of those.

Their attention is drawn outside.

O'Neill: Now, Sam, calm down. Let's just take a few deep breaths here. Sam? Now let's not do anything we're going to regret, SaAIIIGH!!!

Morris inhales him in a single snort.

Trent [Quietly]: Maybe she won't see us.

Her gaze turns hungily toward the Cynic.

Nick: Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

Jesse [Starting to panic]: Uh, Trent, you remember how in those old movie they used to shoot garbage out of the torpedo tubes to fool the enemy into thinking they'd sunk the sub or something? Maybe we could do that now, huh, Trent?

Trent [A strange calm coming over him.]: Naw, man, that wouldn't work here.

Daria sits back down.

Daria: Maybe there's some reserve batteries.

Jesse: Check the glove compartent, maybe there's a flashlight in there!

Max: Damnit, Jesse, don't panic! If we panic, we're doomed, do you hear me? DOOMED! AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

He, Nick, and Jesse start running in circles (a dangerous thing in a cramped U-Boat). Daria manages to hit the right button and the lights come back on. The three panickers cheer, and Daria comes close to joining them. She slams the throttle forward and the lights and engine once again die. In the silence before the panic resumes, Trent speaks.

Trent: Yep. I kinda figured that would happen.

Jesse: Omigod, omigod, omigod!

Nick: No! I'm too young to die! I'm too handsome to die! I'm too talented to die!

Max: Like Hell, you're too talented to die!

Jesse: What are we going to dooooo!

Nick: I am so too talented to die!

Daria: I don't know! You're all alledged men! Get out and push or something!

Max: You didn't know what a capo was until last week!

Trent: No use to panic, guys. She's got us now.

Daria, for the first time since Beavis found his mother's gun, knows true fear.

Nick: You take that back, you no talented, drumming, sunnuva...

The sub lurches as it is caught in the slipstream of Morris' inhalation. Even Daria starts screaming as they are drawn towards the horrible mouth. Somewhere, however, deep within a rational part of her brain she marvels that her's is not the highest pitched scream. Trent's voice is the last thing she hears.

Trent: Man... this sucks.

With a horrible mettalic shriek, the former U-13 is sucke up Morris' snout. She continues to inhale, sucking up fish, the sea, and finally the sea floor. Standing there in an immense, white space, she turns towards the camera.

Morris: I know what you're all thinking, that I'm going to be stupid enought to suck up myself. Well, forget it!

She inhales again, and lights, crew, director's chairs and key grips are swallowed. The camera is finally drawn toward her, and blackness descends.

Part the Next