All at once the skies turned black. There was no sunlight anywhere. Everything was black; the skies, the sand, everything as far as the eye could see. There was nothing there but me, the baby and, complete darkness.
I heard a voice, a great voice, call to me by name. It said that I was wrong. That, that wasn’t the way things were. I told the voice, “Yes, this is the way it’s going to be now!” It said I had to be honest and admit the truth. I thought, “No, I’ll just run away”. With that thought in my mind, I bundled Katie up in a blanket, held her tight to my chest and began to run.
I ran as fast and as far and as long as I could. I ran until I could run no more. My entire body was completely exhausted. I couldn’t breath, and my legs were like rubber bands unable to hold my body up. I had run as hard as I could. I couldn’t even hold my head up, but I held Katie in my arms. On my knees, holding my baby, I realized I had done it! I had out run the “Great Voice”. She was mine now; all I had to do was stay away from the “voice”.
Pure delight filled my entire being. I was so exhilarated to have finally won. I had found a renewed energy and strength. Tears of joy streamed down my face as I shouted, “I DID IT! I DID IT! She’s mine now!”
My joy was short lived though, as I heard the “Great Voice” call out to me once more “Cindy, You can’t get away from me. You must face the truth!” “No! I don’t”. Now, on both knees, pleading, and begging. I would bargain with anyone or anything, “PLEASE, NO, PLEASE!”
The voice very gently and lovingly said, “It’s time.” I knew I could fight no more, I could run no farther, I would never be able to escape the “Voice”. It was more powerful than I would ever be.
Almost as if I had no control over my own actions, I began to unwrap the baby. I looked at her and knew the truth the “voice” had won. Katie no longer moved and smiled and laughed. Now, she lay still, just as she had been born.
I sat straight up in bed and realized it was only a dream. I looked around the room then, and knew that only part of it was a dream. I saw the empty cradle that my newborn daughter would never use. I saw the cute, tiny dresses hanging in her closet, which she would never wear. I also felt the realization of knowing that the “Great Voice” had truly won after all!
The little room we had found to “hide in” to take our naps was not being used at the time so I sat up camp for the next few minutes. Usually your arms would go to sleep and wake you up after only a few minutes of rest. This however, was not the case this time.
As I drifted off into the wondrous world of sleep, I could see an old house in the distance. It had plain wood siding on it that had no paint and the wood had turned black due to it’s unprotected exposure to the sun and the rain.
As I entered the house, I noticed there was a gathering for some reason. Although at this point I didn’t understand why, I just knew I was supposed to be there. There were wooden folding chairs lined up in rows in the huge open room. There were small children (3-4 yrs. Old) playing ring-around-the-rosie in the front of the room. Directly beside them was a small, white, metal-like box that sat on top of a small wooden table.
A closer look at the box and the reason for the gathering was obvious. It was a funeral. Not for an old person who had lived a long and fulfilling life. No, it was for a small child, a girl about 2 yrs.old. She was wearing a red dress with white lace trimming the edges. I couldn’t see her face very clear, but I knew I should know this child, I could feel it in my very soul.
My heart sank and broke and so did I. “How? This couldn’t be. Why are they doing this? This isn’t right!” All these thoughts raced through my mind at once. The playing children nearby hit the rickety old table where the box sat. The box slid off the table and onto the floor. The baby was jostled around inside the box and was no longer positioned the way she should be. I screamed for my dad to do something. He immediately ran over to do what he could. Another man came to help him and after they put the table back, they each took hold of a side of the blanket the baby was resting on and pulled it forward to straighten the baby’s position.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. It couldn’t be real. I tried to cry but couldn’t. I tried to breathe, but couldn’t, I could do nothing but gasp for air. I knew I had to sit down so I found the nearest row of chairs. With my head in my hands, I gasped for air and began to shake and tremble. I tried to cry, I wanted to cry and I needed to cry so badly. Only the tears wouldn’t come.
All of the sudden I felt a cold skinny hand on my right shoulder and a warm presence on my left side. I picked my head up, looked to my left and saw Danny’s grandmother sitting there beside me. She had her arm around me and lovingly told me. “Cindy, you’ve got to calm down. You’re going to have my great-grandbaby and I want it to be a healthy one, so, you’ve got to calm down.”
They say lives are the things dreams are made of. Sometimes it’s after the fact that we realize how true this actually is. Some say dreams are reflections of times past; others say dreams are a brief glimpse into the future. I’m not sure which I believe, maybe a combination of both. My daughter was born 7 months later~only instead of coming home with us, she went straight to live with her Great-Grandma….In Heaven. Danny’s grandma had passed away 9 yrs. earlier (Sept. ‘89).
The summer of ‘99 was not a very good time for me. Sleep, when it did come, was not something I looked forward to. One night as I drifted off to slumber, I dreamt I had a beautiful baby girl. Her name was Katie and she was perfect. I was standing with the baby in my arms. She was smiling and laughing and cooing with love twinkling in her big brown eyes. I was telling her how much I love her. I said it over and over and over. She looked up at me and said, “I love you”. I was so happy and so proud I hugged her and held her and nuzzled her. There was not a happier woman alive.
~~In memory of Alyssa Katelynn Dye “Katie Bug”~~
June 26,1999
In November of ’98 I was 2 mo. Pregnant and working the night shift. I was never able to get enough sleep during the day. I always felt very tired and extremely sleepy at work. On one night in particular, I could fight the urge to snooze no more. We were allowed to take our breaks whenever our jobs were caught up. During my break time, I had about an hour to do with what I wanted. So, I chose to try to take a little nap. Now, as I look back, that might not have been such a good idea after all.
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E-mail cindymdye@yahoo.com by Cindy Crenshaw-Dye |