Some Personal Reflections

I am, by nature, and analytical person. I am also a highly emotional person, but I find it extremely difficult to express my emotions. Like most people I know, I don't deal with death easily. Never in a million years did I think that I would find myself in a situation where I was dealing with the death of a celebrity. I mean, I just never thought that something like this could have this kind of effect on me.

At first I thought I was just being silly, or something. But then, I started thinking about it and it made sense. I have been a fan of INXS for 15 years. That's over half my lifetime. And, yes, I had the teenage crush thing going for Michael. But, the point being, the music of INXS and the words that Michael wrote have greatly influenced my life. Like many of you, I could always count on the music to make me feel better if I was having a bad day.

This means more to me than I can begin to put into words. A few months ago I went through a terrible depression because my life, quite literally, fell apart. I remember remarking to my mother that listening to INXS always lifted my spirits, no matter how bad. My mother went out and bought me, her 27 year old daughter, the Elegantly Wasted CD because I could barely afford to put food on the table, let alone spend money on music. For a little while my world got a little bit brighter, and I will forever be grateful.



Today is November 30th. I have had this poem in my mind for the last three days. I think there is a comforting message in it.

Nothing Gold Can Stay - Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaves a flower
but only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf
and Eden sank to grief
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.



Today is Thanksgiving Day ~ 1998 ~

It has been a year already. That is hard to believe. What lessons have I learned from Michael's life? Well, I actually spent some time thinking about this very thing over the weekend. It was difficult, yes, but I think that the most important thing, for me anyway, is to reflect on the past year and learn from it. To try to find the good which has come out of it, because there has been. Losing someone you care about, and grieving for them, is so painful but there is joy to be found in the memories and even more joy to be found when we can find some meaning in life in the first place. That is the gift that Michael gave, his legacy, if you will.

My weekend didn't go as I had planned. I had hoped to get together with some other fans and spend a little bit of time remembering Michael with others who loved him. I didn't get to do that. I didn't even have internet access over the weekend. I basically spent it alone (In that I wasn't with other people who shared the same love of Michael and INXS) so I had to have sort of a private memorial. But sometimes reflection is best done in private anyway. I didn't even get to throw flowers in the water as I had hoped.

But I did think about Michael and his legacy quite a bit over the weekend. There were two things that happened which brought me comfort and a little bit of closure to the events of the past year. The first was when I went to a Professional Figure Skating Exhibition on Friday night. For starters, since Courtney posted to the mailing list, the lyrics to Sarah McLaughlin's "Angel" I haven't been able to get that song out of my mind. Anyway, during the Ice show, Katarina Witt skated a program to that song. It was absolutely beautiful and very intense. While she was skating, the whole arena was deafeningly silent. What a moment! That time, watching her skate to that music, unexpectedly became my private moment of reflection and remembering Michael. I was totally alone, in the company of several thousand people!

The second thing that happened was that I unexpectedly ended up staying with some friends whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. On Sunday night, we had a nice, quiet formal dinner, complete with candles, music, a fire in the fireplace, great food, good wine, and good company. While we were sitting at the table, I couldn't help but feeling a sense of meaning and purpose. One of the things that I have learned from Michael's passing is that life is too short. There are so many things and so many people that we take for granted. Often times, there are many things that get left undone. The point is, that I have a renewed sense of purpose to not take for granted the people in my life, nor the things that I value the most. We can never go back and do the things that we left undone, but we can make an effort to bring those things full circle. Each and everything that we have ever experienced has some meaning in our lives. It is up to us to find that meaning, and experience it...to live it. Part of that, for me, is to eliminate the countless number of names on my "I wonder what ever happened to" list, and also, to not add any more names to it. People are too important. Life is too important. That is the legacy that Michael left for me, and I will forever be thankful.

More to Come...

Back