The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time...
At milking a cow
Sooo.....Yah....all of u w/ the GUTTER minds......GET OVER IT!
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman........Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
A Male Response to the above....
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was an accident.
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and
his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast.
Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
Before your dog reaches you my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips).
The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog.
Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room,
the turtle narrowly missed the bartender, and SMASHED into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he
asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would
it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A blonde reports for her university final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit
of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing
the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam
in half and hour, so I'm rechecking my answers.
Q. There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a brunette, one a
redhead, and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body?
A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.
Shortly after the fall round-up, the cattle were loaded, into the cattle cars and shipped to Chicago for market.
Each car had an attendant to go on the trip in order that the cattle might be fed and watered.
This is the story of one of those Cowboys . . .
Following the unloading of the cattle in the Chicago stockyards, this cowboy headed uptown to a restaurant for dinner.
The only seat in the house was next to a young lady who was about twenty years old and appeared to be wealthy and well educated.
As the cowboy sat down next to the young lady he heard her placing her order;
"I'll have breast of young pheasant under glass, virgin, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself,
garnish it with french fries and parsley and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot and not too cold - and waiter,
open the window, I smell a horse - there must be a cowbooy in the house.
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy place his order in this manner; "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked,
fuck it yourself; granish my plate with horseshit, bring me a mug of cold beer as strong as Texas mule piss and blow off the foam with a fart . . .
and waiter, kick down a wall, I smell a cunt . . .
there must be a whore in the house.
A young woman walks into a doctor's office complaining about a rash on her chest.
Upon examination, the doctor discovers the rash is in the shape of a 'Y'.
The doctor asks the woman if she can think of anything which might explain it.
"Well," the woman replies, "it could be my boyfriend.
You see, he goes to Yale and when we have sex he insists on wearing his letter sweater."
The doctor tells the woman to make her boyfriend take off the sweater before they have sex.
Later that same day another woman comes in with a rash on her chest, this one in the shape of an 'H'.
When questioned, the woman explains that her boyfriend goes to Harvard
and insists on wearing his letter sweater when they have sex.
The doctor gives the second woman the same advice as the first and sends he on her way.
Later, yet another woman comes into the office with a rash in the shape of an 'M'.
Before the woman can explain, the doctor exclaims, "I bet your boyfriend goes to Michigan!"
A smile breaks across the woman's face as she exclaims, "No! My girlfriend goes to Wesleyan!"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing,
they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her!"
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man,
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her!"
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, but I just couldn't pull the trigger to shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.
Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her!"
The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing.
One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet . . .
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos wishes to wake up with 3 women in his bed."
She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Carlos wakes up with Loraina Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton . . .
His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Ouch!!!!! see what those type of desires get you!!!!!
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and
starts to tell his mother excitedly...."MOMMY,MOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So
Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the
car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then
Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."
An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child.
The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.
Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition.
“Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?” he asked. “Sure, whatever helps!” the doctor replied.
The old man’s wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door.
Sure enough, another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued.
Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads,
their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated . . .
The old man handed the jar to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the jar and said,
“The jar is empty. Didn’t you have any luck?”
The old man replied, “Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands!
My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands!
She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out!
We just could’t get that lid off the jar!”
There was a young man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning,
he looked into the mirror and admired his body.
He noticed that he had a nice suntan all over except for his penis which he decided to do something about.
He went to the beach undressed completely,
and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out to get a tan.
A few minutes later, two old ladies who were strolling along the beach along stopped alongside him,
one of them was using a cane and upon seeing the penis sticking out of the sand,
she began moving it around with her cane, while remarking to the other old lady, "There is no justice in the world".
The other old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"
The first old lady said, "Look at that! When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread anyway.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If the singular of geese is goose, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portogoose?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them,
but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If you spin an Oriental person around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called, "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
We have enough youth...how about a fountain of "smart"?
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
The dark ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walks thru airport turnstile going to Bangkok.
Man who scratches ass should not bite nails.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.