From:             StevensToy <StevensToy@aol.com>
Date sent:        Sun, 5 Apr 1998 23:14:00 EDT
Subject:          2 Sexy For My Boxers (1/1) By Heather Scotland


TITLE:  "2 Sexy For My Boxers"
AUTHOR:  Heather Scotland
CONTENT:  Humour!  
SPOILERS: None 
RATING: PG-13 for bad words and a little surprise!
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  This is just a little thing I wrote when in a
strange mood.  The idea was bothering me, so I had to do it.  Forgive
me, but I hope you like it.  I had fun with it!
DISCLAIMER:  Mulder and Scully have never been, are not, and will
never be mine, unless I morph into CC and suck out his brains.  
**SUMMARY**  Mulder dances and sings the "Too sexy" song for
Scully during a game that gets out of hand, Scully gets a surprise,
Skinner wears a milk moustache, Mulder wears lipstick, and a BAD
DOG makes his appearance.  Did I mention some innocent nudity?

X~X~X~X2sexy2sexy2sexy2sexy2sexyX~X~X~X

Scully was startled from her bored contemplation of her chipped nails
when the doorbell rang. The late afternoon sunlight fell over her like
clear yellow paint as the walked to the door.  "I wonder who that
could be?...  I shouldn't say that, though.  I already know that it's
Mulder...who else could it be?"  Of course she was right.  She never
had any other visitors. 

"Hey, Scully," he said, shoving his way inside as usual.  

She grunted in response and walked back to the couch.  He followed
her and shut the door, wondering what was wrong with her this time. 
Probably PMS again.  "What do you want, Mulder?"

Mulder grinned.  "I want to play a game," he answered, and that got
her attention away from her hands.  

"What kind of game, Mulder?  Alien Operation?  Chutes and UFO's? 
Star Wars-Opoly?"

"No, all wrong.  I want to play a new game, one that I just thought of
on my way over here."

"So are you going to tell me why you were coming over in the first
place?"

Mulder threw himself full-length on her couch, eliciting a frown of
disapproval.  "Nah.  It wasn't that important.  So do you want to play
the game?"

Scully was getting exasperated with Mulder.  He was in one of his
playful moods, and it didn't seem like he wanted to talk business. It
was Saturday, though.  "Mulder, I'll play your game with you if you
tell me what it's about.  How do you play?"

Mulder sat up; he couldn't believe it was that easy.  He had planned
on hours of negotiating and pleading to get her to play with him. 
"Well, it goes like this, partner.  First, you have to stand on your
head."

"WHAT!?!?"  Scully's head shot up.  "Why?"

"That's the first part of the game.  I tell you to do something, and if
you can't do it, you have to tell me anything I ask.  That's how the
game is played."

"But Mulder, that's just like `Truth or Dare.'  You didn't come up
with that idea."

"I just expanded upon it, Dr. Scully.  Now do you want to play or not? 
I've started first and given you the task to do-  now are you going to
do it, or tell me anything I ask?"

Scully looked at him in puzzlement.  What had come over him?  "I
guess I'll stand on my head," she sighed, getting up from her chair
and pushing it back against the couch, making some room for her to
perform in.  And a safety zone in case she fell.  Which she knew she
would.   She got down on her knees and stared at the carpet for a
moment before placing her hands on the ground and her head
in-between them, forming a triangle.  This is how she remembered
the cheerleader girls doing it when she used to do her chemistry
homework near their practice area at lunch, by herself as usual.  

Taking a deep breath, she put her knees on her elbows and shifted
forward, balancing there for a moment, feet off the ground, before
trying to extend her legs into the air.  As soon as they were pointed
toward the ceiling, she felt herself falling forward.  "Shit!" she
exclaimed as she fell forward and thumped hard onto the carpet, flat
on her back.  Her shirt was up around her head, and her back felt like
it had been hit with something big and solid.  Gravity had defeated
her once more.  "Ow," she complained, sitting up slowly and rubbing
her back.  "That hurt."

Mulder looked at her for a moment, lying peacefully on the couch and
chewing on his index finger.  "Was that a headstand?" he inquired
innocently, staring at her exposed chest. 

Scully pulled her shirt down and stuck her tongue out at him.  "I'm
not that young anymore," she complained.  "You're going to kill me,
and how would you explain that to Skinner?"

"I'd tell him it was auto-erotic asphyxiation."  A pillow projectile
flew at his head, and he ducked.  "Your turn, Scully."

Scully dragged herself to the chair and crawled up into it, curling into
a ball and gazing at the ceiling.  "Let me think for a moment.  It has to
be something really hideous."

"Take as long as you want," Mulder said, lying back on the couch. 
They stayed like that for a few minutes, the only sound in the room
being their breathing and Scully's water faucet dripping.  She got up
once slowly to turn it off, then resumed lying on the chair.  The
silence hung over them like a monster in a cheezy movie.  Suddenly,
Scully started to laugh. First it was a soft chuckle, then it progressed
to a body-shaking giggle, then she snorted wildly in amusement as she
held her stomach with both hands.

Mulder took the bait.  "What?"

"Nothing, Mulder...just thinking."

He sat up, so as to see her eyes better, wondering what she had
planned for him.  "Well, what are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about something really cruel I could make you do, but
it's too mean.  I couldn't."

"Come on, Scully...that's how the game goes.  Tell me...make me do
it.  Or you win."

"Well..."

Mulder grinned evilly.  "You know you want to.  Do it!"

Scully sat up and faced Mulder, a mean gleam in her eye.  Finally, a
way to get him back for all the times he's ditched her, all the times
she was woken up in the middle of the night to hunt aliens-- this was
her chance.  She had to make it good.  "Well, do you remember that
song that was popular a few years back, Mulder?  The one about the
catwalk?  You know, `I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my
shirt..."

Mulder's jaw dropped.  "You wouldn't."  

"I would."

He couldn't believe what she was about to make him do.  Who would
have thought that behind Scully's cool demeanor there lay a evil,
cruel and twisted person?  She was worse than Frohike!  "Scully!" he
whined.

"Mulder, you said you have to do it, or I win.  Remember?  And you
can't lose the game YOU made up, just because you were too
self-conscious, now can you?"

The wheels in Mulder's head started to turn.  He had an idea.  "Well,
I guess, if I have to.  But if you EVER tell anyone, I'm personally
going to see to it that you are punished.  I'll spank you if I have to."

"I didn't know you were so kinky, Agent Mulder...wait, yes I did.  I
take that back."  Evil grin.  Tongue stuck out at him, daring him to do
it.  "Are you ready yet?"

"How long do I have to do this for?"

"Five minutes."

"Five minutes!" he exploded.  "All I made you do is a stupid
headstand."

"Them's the breaks, Mulder.  Now dance, sexyboy."

Mulder climbed off the couch and walked to the center of the room,
where Scully had cleared a space for her earlier gymnastics.  He
cleared his throat self-consciously and shifted his feet around.  Scully
curled up into a ball again, for maximum viewing enjoyment. 
"I'm...I'm too sexy for my jacket, too sexy for my jacket," Mulder
muttered, taking his jacket off and dropping it on the ground.  He
stumbled over it, and Scully groaned.

"Oh, come on, Mulder!  Put some heart into it!  Belt it out!  I know
you can!"

Mulder glared at her, but increased the volume of his voice a little. 
"I'm too sexy for my shoes, too sexy for my shoes, so sexy oh yeah..." 
The shoes joined the jacket, and the pile was kicked away.  Scully
applauded.  "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, the way
I'm disco dancing..." Mulder stripped off his shirt, revealing his
muscles.  

"Getting better, but I don't think that's how the song goes."

"I don't care, Scully..." his voice raised a little, and he seemed to stare
right through Scully, a strange grin on his face.  "I'm too sexy for my
pants, too sexy for my pants, so sexy..."  He slid his pants off his hips
slowly, and Scully blushed.

"Uh, Mulder...you can stop now.  I didn't mean that you had to..."

"I'm too sexy for my socks, too sexy for my socks..."  A sock flew
over the couch and landed near the door.  Mulder stood there, clad
only in his plaid boxer shorts and a grin.  He came closer to Scully. 
"I'm too sexy for my--"

"That's all right, Mulder!  Enough!  You can stop now!"  Scully was
getting nervous...why did everything always turn out in his favor? 
She had expected to embarrass the hell out of him, but he seemed to
enjoy it.  

"Too late, Scully...It hasn't been 5 minutes.  I'm too sexy for my
boxers, too sexy for my boxers, so sexy yeah..."  The boxers, much to
Scully's consternation, flew over to join the socks in the entranceway
of the door, next to the hall closet.  

"MULDER!" Scully started up, covering her eyes and walking into
the other room.  Mulder stood there, stark naked and grinning madly,
not in the least embarrassed.  The only reason he wasn't is because
Scully *was*.  He enjoyed torturing her like this.  It was fun.  

"Am I too sexy, Scully?" he called after her, opening his arms wide
and following her down the hall.  

"Mulder, put your clothes on!"

"But it hasn't been five minutes!  I'm going to lose!"

Scully appeared out of the bedroom, her eyes covered with one hand. 
"No, Mulder, you will not lose.  Just put your clothes on before
someone sees you."

"Like who?  Frohike took that camera out of here a few months
ago...oops."

"WHAT?"  Scully dropped her hands and prepared to choke him, but
realized that he was still naked.  She put her hands back over her
eyes.  "Mulder, put some clothes on!"

"Why?  I was just kidding about Frohike...it was Byers.  He's really
the one that thinks you're hot.  He's just to shy to tell you."

"Mulder, now!"

"Make me, G-girl.  It's just a ploy so you can win...I know what
you're up to."

Scully closed her eyes and reached out to where she figured Mulder's
stomach would be.  Oops, too low.  She found his stomach, worked
her way up to his shoulders and turned him around, shoving him
towards the living room.  "Go, Mulder, before I shoot you!  I'll pick
somewhere more painful this time."

As her small hands moved over him, shoving him down the hall, he
smirked.  "Doesn't this constitute fraternizing, Scully? I think it does. 
I'm glad Skinner's not here."

The doorbell rang.  "Shit!" Scully said, pulling Mulder blindly back
toward the bedroom.  "Get in there and don't make a sound!  I mean
it!"

"Yes, ma'am," Mulder whispered, walking easily into the simple
bedroom and flopping down on the bed.  It was comfortable, and he
closed his eyes, listening for sounds in the living room.  <I wonder
who that could be?>

Scully, her heart beating a mile a minute, walked over to the door and
looked into the peephole.  <Oh, no!>  Skinner stood there, holding a
fat file in his hand and tapping his foot impatiently.  

She opened the door warily, just enough for her head to poke through. 
"Yes, sir?" she asked, hoping he had just come to drop off a file or
something like that.  

"I need to talk to you, Agent Scully," he said, opening the door and
walking past her into the hallway.  He stopped suddenly, and turned
around to face her.  "Are you *busy*, Agent Scully?"

"No, sir, why would you say that?"  He pointed to the single sock and
the boxers lying on the floor.  Scully groaned inwardly.  "Those are
mine, sir."

"You wear boxers, Agent Scully?  I don't remember reading that in
your profile."

<They have my underwear style in their files?> she thought
confusedly, making a mental note to check it out later.  "Yes, sir, I do. 
I like boxers.  They're comfortable.  I wear them to bed at night.  But
is this the reason you're here, sir? To ask about my underwear
preference?"

Skinner walked toward the living room, and Scully remembered the
pile of Mulder's clothes lying there in a heap.  "Sir!" she said
suddenly, pulling him into the kitchen instead.  

"Yes, Agent Scully?  You're acting kind of strange.  Is anything
wrong?"

"I just thought you'd like some cookies...I made them just this
morning."  Scully grabbed a handful and a glass of milk, and before
he could protest he was seated at the table, munching the cookies.  

"These are great, Agent Scully," he mumbled, mouth full of cookie
and sporting a milk moustache.  "But the reason I came here is that--"

A loud *thump* came from the direction of the bedroom, followed by
a strange squeaking.

"What was that, Agent Scully?"

"Um, it was my dog, sir."

"You have a dog?  I don't remember reading that in your file.  May I
meet him?"

Scully thought fast.  "I'm sorry, sir.  He's been a bad dog and has to
stay in his room until I let him out.  If I let him out now it would tell
him that he could do it again without getting punished. You know
how it is, sir.  Give them an inch, they'll take a mile.  BAD DOG!"
she shouted toward the bedroom for emphasis.  "BAD!"

"Sure, Agent Scully."  More cookie-munching.  "As I was saying, I'm
here regarding a report that you and Agent Mulder sent up to my
office a few days ago.  I was looking at it this morning, and I found
some things I'd like to go over with you."

Scully moved uneasily around the kitchen, straightening things that
were already in place.  "Can't it wait until Monday, sir?  I have to be
at my mother's house in an hour or so.  We're eating dinner at six."

"I'll only take a minute of your time, Agent Scully."  

Another thump, followed by a louder one.  More squeaking.

"Scully?  Is your dog all right?"

"Yes, sir.  I think he's jumping on the bed or something.  BAD
DOG!!!"  Scully's head felt like it was going to explode if she didn't
get Skinner out of there right this instant.  She couldn't take this
nervousness anymore...it felt like the time that her boyfriend came
over in the middle of the night to tell her something and her Mom was
awake and she had to hide him in the closet while she talked with her
mother.  Of course, her mother asked what kind of tampons she
wanted from the grocery store the next day, and Scully felt herself
blush as she remembered.  But this was 10 times worse-- her partner
was naked in her bedroom while her superior was sitting in her
kitchen, eating cookies with a milk moustache all over his face.

"Well, maybe I should go, Agent Scully.  You seem a little frazzled. 
Why don't you go take a nap or something?  Rest up before Monday. 
I'll see you then."  He grabbed one last cookie and let himself out,
staring at the plaid boxer shorts in the hall.  <I never figured her for a
men's underwear kind of person...>  The door slammed shut behind
him, and Scully ran down the hall, intent on killing Mulder and
strewing his entrails around the room like confetti.  <Large intestine,
yadda yadda...>

She slammed the door open and stalked into the room to find Mulder
bouncing on the bed, wearing her robe, and her brightest red lipstick
smeared over his lips clumsily.  "MULDER!!!!"

"Yeah?  Who was at the door?"  He bounced off the bed as the
springs squeaked madly, creating the *thump* that Scully had heard
before and smacking his lips together. "Like my new look?  I'm to
sexy for my lipstick, too sexy for my lipstick..." 

"That was Skinner, you idiot.  He almost found you in here!"

"No, he didn't.  He thought I was the dog.  I heard him.  Woof, woof. 
Bad dog."

"He wanted to meet you!"

He pranced around the room. "I'm too sexy for my doggie, too sexy
for my doggie...He's welcome to.  I wouldn't sniff him or sit in his
lap, though.  He might be disappointed.  He was probably expecting a
little mutt or something, not this fine specimen of maleness."  He
admired himself, straightening the robe just a tad.  It was a bit small,
and didn't close all the way in the chest area.

"And the worst part of all is that he thinks I wear men's underwear!" 
She went over to the bed and put her head in her hands.  

"That's not that bad.  Male agents can't be kicked out of the Bureau
for wearing women's underwear anymore, so I don't think that they
would kick you out for wearing men's."  Mulder strutted out into the
hallway to the kitchen, grabbing one of the cookies before coming
back to the bedroom and straight to Scully's closet.  He peered inside,
muttering "I'm too sexy for my cookie..." to himself while he
munched.

"What are you doing, Mulder?"

"I don't know.  I don't think I've ever been in here...what's this? 
HATS!"  He pulled some hatboxes out of the depths of the closet and
found a feathery hat to put on.  Scully groaned.  He looked ridiculous
wearing only her white terrycloth robe and a white feather hat to
match.  He danced around the room, preening.  

"Mulder!  Take it off and put some clothes on!  I mean it!"

He danced to the full-length mirror, which was on the back of the
door.  "I'm too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my robe, so sexy yeah,"
he purred, starting to pull the robe off his body.  The door swung
open, and Skinner stood there, holding his gun.  "Agent Scully, you
didn't answer your door, so I thought..." he noticed that it was
*Mulder* partially wearing the robe, Mulder in the feather hat,
Mulder in the lipstick with cookie crumbs all over him.  

"WHAT THE......?!?!?!"

Mulder's jaw dropped.  "Uh-oh." 

Scully put her head in her hands.  "I wonder if this will go in my
file?"

X~X~X~2sexy2sexy2sexy2sexyX~X~X
The End...Well, did you enjoy?  This is a somewhat different side of our
agents that I suspect is there...all we have to do is find it! Really.  I mean
it!  Feedback makes me make Mulder dance and sing:  StevensToy@aol.com