As we all know, the Olympics are only about a month away and I'm sure
all of us will spend zillions of hours glued to the TV. All I can
say is that I sincerely hope that NBC's coverage is better than it
was 4 years ago. Supposedly, the 1992 Games were the most exciting of
all time. Unfortunately, I wouldn't know...none of this so-called
excitement was shown on TV. Now, to be honest, I knew that this was
going to happen...I knew that the TV coverage was going to consist of
92% commercials, 4% interviews and human-interest stories, and 4% watching
the competitors standing around scratching themselves prior to their
events. So, I taped every single minute of coverage so that I could
watch at my leisure and fast-forward through all the garbage.

As an example of how bad the coverage actually was, the following
describes the 8:00-9:00 P.M. segment for Friday, August 7.

8:00-8:09: Announcements about all the good stuff which will be seen
during the evening's show. Host Dick Enberg is filled with rhapsody
regarding last night's dinner, which is all on his tie.

8:09-8:13: The famous hourly "Where Are They Now" feature. The focus
is on Billy Ray Joe Jim Bob Harkness, the 1968 American world record
holder in the 5,000 meter race from Orange, Virginia who, during the
USA Olympic Trials in 1968, was mysteriously pulled off the track during
the race by 4 members of the local sheriff's department. As he was
being handcuffed, Harkness was heard to mutter something that sounded
like "Well, she looked at least 16 to me."

8:13-8:19: 43 consecutive commercials including 3 repeats of old
Michael Jackson Pepsi spots.

8:19-8:20: Highlights of the exciting Rumania-Israel water polo game,
the winner to be awarded 11th place. Most of the attention was centered
on Vladimir Pizzaria, the Rumanian goalie who was playing in his last
Olympics due to the fact that he had been recently diagnosed as having
terminal jock-itch.

8:20-8:24: An up-to-the-minute report that one of the Russian gymnasts
had been disqualified when it was discovered that she had breasts.

8:24-8:31: 74 consecutive commercials including the national debut of
the new Reebock spot featuring Dennis Rodman dunking a ball in his new
Reebocks (Rodman also was wearing a strapless evening gown).

8:31-8:32: Live coverage of the basketball gold medal game pitting
the USA men vs. the USA women.

8:32-8:35: Taped coverage of the medals ceremony awarding the gold
medal in the men's 1,500 meter run to Mohammed Q. Mohammed of Morocco
who was awarded first place when all of his 12 competitors were
disqualified for not wearing deoderant.

8:35-8:41: A live interview with Hector "3-Finger" Brown, an American
basketball player who, in 1964 tried out for the team and, during the
tryouts, led all candidates in scoring, rebounding, blocked shots, and
steals. Brown was released from the team when it was discovered that
he was white.

8:41-8:48: 132 consecutive commercials. Mistakenly, the executive
producer showed a McDonald's and Burger King commercial back to back
which produced a gas war in parts of Idaho.

8:48-8:52: A live interview with Gus Buvacocaracous, the Greek gold
medal winner in the pole vault who announced that the $1.25 million
bonus awarded him by his shoe producer would be used to buy a condo for
his parants and a push-up bra for his girlfriend.

8:52-8:57: An up-to-date report on Maria Gambrelli, the Italian discus
thrower who was being investigated for steroid use when it was
discovered that during the last 3 weeks she had bulked up to 347 pounds
and improved her personal best throw from 163 feet to 4.6 miles.

8:57-9:00: 343 consecutive commercials including the long-awaited
debut of Charles Barkley promoting a new device which helps athletes
to sharpen their elbows.

I could go on and on, but I have to go back to my VCR and try and
pick up the last few minutes of the exciting finish of the synchronized
swimming finals where one of the Croation girls drowned while looking
for one of her false eyelashes which had come off in the pool.

Stay tuned.

