Inca Mummy Girl

Xander: "Okay, I have something to tell you, and it's kind of a secret, and it's, um...a little bit scary. I like you...a lot...and I want you to go with me to the dance."
Ampata: "Why was that so scary?"
Xander: "Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel."

Giles: "It could take me weeks to translate these pictograms. Well, we'll start tonight with--"
Buffy: "Ampata!"
Giles: "I was going to suggest hunting."
Buffy: "No, I'm late. I told my mom I'd pick him up."
Xander: "Uh, Buffy! Where are your priorities? Tracking down a mummifying killer or making time for some Latin lover whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts?"

Buffy: "Hey, you know, maybe he could translate the seal."
Xander: "Oh, yeah. Fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?"

Buffy: "Forty minutes late. Welcome to America."

Xander: "So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides 'Doritos' and 'chihuahua'."

Xander: "Aye carumba. I can also say that."

Buffy: "So can I go?"
Giles: "I think not."
Buffy: "How come?"
Giles: "Because you are the Chosen One."
Buffy: "Oh, just this once, I'd like to be the Overlooked One."

Giles: "You have responsibilities that other girls do not."
Buffy: "Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices--blah blah bity blah--I'm so stuffy. Give me a scone."
Giles: "It's as if you know me."

Giles: "Your secret identity is gonna' be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you."
Xander: "Not...'with' her. In the same house as her. Now am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?"

Ampata: "Can I tell you a secret?"
Xander: "Yeah."
Ampata: "I like you, too."
Xander: "Really?!"
Ampata: "Really."
Xander: "That's great! Really?!"
Ampata: "Really!"
Xander: "That's great! You're not a preying mantis, are you?"
Ampata: "..."
Xander: "Sorry. Someone else."

Buffy: "And, uh, what culture are you?"
Xander: "I'm from the country of Leone. It's in Italy, pretending to be Montana. And where are you from, the country of white trash?"

Ampata: "Hello, Xander."
Xander: "Oh, ye--I, uh..."
Buffy: "I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful."
Xander: "Pyah su."
Buffy: "You're welcome."

Joyce: "I wish you could talk my daughter into going with you."
Ampata: "I tried, but she is very stubborn."
Joyce: "Yeah, well, I'm glad someone else sees that."

Cordelia: "Ooh! Near faux pas! I almost wore the same thing."

Buffy: "I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?"
Xander: "The important thing is: you believe that."

Willow: "Are we still on for our chem tutorial tomorrow?"
Rodney: "Yeah. I think I've got almost all fourteen natural elements memorized."
Willow: "There are a hundred and three."

Xander: "Typical museum trick: promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans."

Willow: "I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.'"
Xander: "No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'"

Willow: "They could have at least wrapped her in those nice white bandages, like in the movies."

Xander: "So, Buffy, when's Exchange-O Boy making his appearance?"
Buffy: "His name's Ampata. I'm meeting him at the bus station tomorrow night."
Xander: "Ooh, Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with a stench of urine."

Gwen: "Hey, where's Sven?"
Cordelia: "Uh, I keep trying to ditch him. He's like one of those dogs that you leave at the Grand Canyon on vacation. It follows you back across four states. See? My own speechless, human boomerang."
Gwen: "He's kinda' cute. Maybe it's nice, skipping all that small talk."
Cordelia: "Small talk. How about simple instruction? Get punchy. You...fruit drinky."

Giles: "Thank heavens you're home."
Buffy: "Yep. Not at the dance. Not with my friends. Not with a life."

Buffy: "So, then going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret."
Giles: "..."
Buffy: "Giles, come on, budge. No one likes a nonbudger."

Giles: "Fine! Go."
Buffy: "Yay! I win."
Giles: "I'll just go and introduce my shoulder to an ice pack."

Xander: "Would you like a drink?"
Buffy: "Ahh, let's see. We've got milk...and, uh...huh...older milk. Juice?"

Willow: "So, Ampata, you're a girl."
Ampata: "Yes, for many years now."
Willow: "And not a boy, 'cause we thought a boy was coming, and here you are in a...girl way."
Xander: "It's just one of those crazy mix-ups, Will."

Xander: "Your English is very bueno."
Ampata: "I listen much."
Xander: "Well, that works out well because I talk much."

Cordelia: "One hundred percent Swedish. One hundred percent gorgeous. One hundred percent staying at my house!"

Cordelia: "So, how's yours? Visually, I mean."
Buffy: "I don't know. Guy-like?"
Xander: "By "guy-like", we are talking big, beefy, guy-like girl, right?"
Buffy: "I was just told, 'guy'."
Cordelia: "You didn't look at him first? He could be dogly. You live on the edge!"

Xander: "Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man, with man parts? This is a terrible idea."
Willow: "What about the 'beautiful melding of two cultures'?"
Xander: "There's no 'melding', okay? He better keep his parts to himself."

Xander: "Oh, it's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
Willow: "You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years."
Xander: "Yeah, I'm irrational that way."

Buffy: "What's it like back home?"
Ampata: "Cramped, and very dead."
Buffy: "Well, you'll feel right at home in Sunnydale."

Cordelia: "Devon, I told you I'd be at the dance tonight, but I am not one of your little groupies. I won't be all doe-eyed, looking up at you, standing at the edge of the stage."
Devon: "Got it."
Cordelia: "So, I'll see you afterwards?"
Devon: "Sure. Where do you wanna' meet?"
Cordelia: "I'll be standing at the edge of the stage."

Cordelia: "This whole student exchange thing has been a nightmare. They don't even speak American."

Devon: "What does a girl have to do to impress you?"
Oz: "Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here."

Oz: "You're just impressed by any girl that can walk and talk."
Devon: "She doesn't have to talk."

Willow: "Well, it's a celebration of cultures. There are lots of dress-up alternatives."
Xander: "And a corresponding equal number of mocking alternatives, all aimed at me."
Willow: "Bavarians are cool."
Xander: "Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers, and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat."
Willow: "Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong."

Buffy: "I thought you were taking Willow."
Xander: "Well, yeah, I'm gonna' take Willow, but I'm not gonna' take Willow in the sense of 'take me'. See, with you, we're three, and everybody's safe. Without you, we're two."
Buffy: "Ahh, and we enter Dateville: romance, flowers."
Xander: "Lips."
Buffy: "Oh, come on. In all the years you've known Willow, you've never thought about her lips?"
Xander: "Buffy, I love Willow, and she's my best friend, which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with."

Buffy: "What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse and doesn't even pack lipstick?"

Buffy: "Come on! Can't you put your foot down?"
Giles: "It is down."
Buffy: "One of these days, you're gonna' have to get a grown-up car."

Xander: "Okay, at least I can rule out something I said."

Giles: "Oh, wait."
Buffy: "..."
Giles: "..."
Buffy: "Uh, waiting."

Xander: "Have you seen Ampata?"
Willow: <shrugs>
Xander: "What was that?"
Willow: "I shrugged."
Xander: "Next time, you should probably say, 'shrug'."
Willow: "Sigh."

Sven: "I thought this exchange student thing would be a great deal. But look what I got stuck with. 'Momento.' 'Punchy fruity drinky.' Is Cordelia even from this country?"

Ampata: "I do not deserve you."
Xander: "Wh...you think that you don't deserve me? Ha ha ha ha ha! Man, I love you!"

Xander: "Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?"

Xander: "Hey, I know why you can't tell me. It's a secret, right? And if you told me, you'd have to kill me."
Ampata: <sobs>
Xander: "Oh...that was a...bad joke. The delivery was off, too. I'm sorry."

Buffy: "This is so unfair."
Willow: "I don't think it's that bad."
Buffy: "It's the über-suck."

Buffy: "Haver you ever done an exchange program?"
Xander: "My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count?"

Cordelia: "Whoo! There's mine. Sven. Isn't he lunchable?"

Giles: "How do you do?"
Ampata: "Hi."
Giles: "I was won--I was wondering if you could, um, translate this."
Buffy: "That was in no way awkward."

Giles: "We're trying to translate it, uh, um, as, uh, a project for our, um..."
Willow: "Our archeology club."
Giles: "Very good."

Xander: "And this...is called a snack food."
Ampata: "Snack food?"
Xander: "Yeah. It's a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful, creamy white substance of goodness."

Xander: "And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach."

Willow: "Hey, guys."
Xander: "Willow! Hi! We were just talking about happy things, like the three of us going to the dance together. See? Heh heh heh, happy!"
Willow: "..."
Xander: "Not happy."
Willow: "No. Uh, oh, uh, yes. No. Rodney's missing."

Xander: "Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy."
Willow: "Right, and it rose from its tomb."
Buffy: "And attacked him..."
Willow: "..."
Xander: "..."

Willow: "On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke."
Xander: "For twenty-one hours?"
Willow: "It's addictive, you know."

Buffy: "One day, I'm gonna' live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying."

Xander: "Okay, I just saved us, right?"

Buffy: "We need to find him. Ampata's the mummy."
Willow: "Oh. Good. Xander!"

Xander: "Boy, that was some kiss!"

Buffy: "I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies: you don't kiss and tell."

Ampata: "You're not a normal girl."
Buffy: "And you are?"

Xander: "I just -- present company excluded -- I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world...ever."
Buffy: "Ampata wasn't evil. At least, not to begin with. And...I do think she cared about you."
Xander: "Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would've been a strain on the relationship."

Ampata: "You are strange."
Xander: "Girls always tell me that, right before they run away."
Ampata: "I like it."
Xander: "I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English."

Buffy: "Ha! Or, possible ha. Do you think this matches? Hey!"
Willow: "Oh...yes...I'm caring about mummies."
Buffy: "Ampata's only staying two weeks."
Willow: "Yeah, and then Xander can find someone else who's not me to obsess about."

Willow: "Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life."
Buffy: "Good for you."
Willow: "Well, I didn't choose yet."

Buffy: "So then we just have to stop the mummy, which leads to the question: how do we a) find and b) stop the mummy?"

Xander: "We're not an archeology club. We're in a--"
Giles: "Ahem!"
Buffy: "..."
Xander: "We're in the crime club, which is kind of like the chess club, only with crime, and, um...no chess."

Buffy: "I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna' die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing."
Xander: "Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life."
Buffy: "I had you to bring me back."

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