It's been two and a half years and I still cannot work out what caused the problem. There was an inference at the beginning that there was a misunderstanding, but I couldn't tell by whom or of what. A recent event may have shed some light on the problem, assuming it is related.
A few weeks ago an iterant minister came to our church and at the end of the service he said "write your main problem on a piece of paper and come up here and show me, and I will prophesy something about it".
Many of us went up and he took a quick look and said a few words, then the next person had a turn. I was told that I would get some response in the next week.
The following Thursday morning I woke up to find that someone was going through my mind, hastily searching for something, bringing up images and memories as fast as possible. It was out of my control, I could only watch as things flashed into view.
I realised that all these came from two and a half years ago when I got very stressed out to the extent that I realised that if I didn't get out of the house and away from the problems (mainly computer and loss of valuable data) that I would have a serious mental or nervous breakdown.
For the next two weeks my mind was in a furious turmoil, so I think I may have have had a breakdown of sorts. During that time my mind ran some diversionary "day dreams" which I couldn't stop, but it was of things I would never do and didn't do. You have seen worse on TV, but the images were embedded much more firmly than dreams usually are. Even recently if one came to mind I sometimes found it hard to know that I didn't do it, it was so firmly embedded. It was an automatic distraction to block out the real problem, as that had upset me too much, giving me time to recover, a mechanism which I am sure God designed into the system, like an overload cutout in electrical systems, stopping damage so the problem can be rectified.
As the images came up I was saying "I never did that, there is no place I could have done that, thats not true, that never happened". I don't know if any notice was taken of what I said as the images were pulled up for inspection.
I can best describe the event by an illustration. Suppose you are visiting someone and they are called away to speak to someone at the door, and you were left sitting at their computer. You thought you had enough time to check out their computer to see if they had any inappropriate material or emails on it. So you do a quick frantic search of photos videos or words in emails. This continues for several minutes until you hear your host trying to close the conversation and say goodbye. The only things you found were legitimate or in the realm of the forgivable, just as the images that were pulled up out of my mind, were in my view forgivable, as Jesus paid for all my sins from beginning to the end of my life, but of course I definitely try not to sin.
If it was believed that I did those things, which christians shouldn't do, but other people do, then I can understand that God would be annoyed, but as I was having a mental breakdown, partial not fully as I could still drive and reason, I feel somewhat hard done by.
God can forgive even murderers and use them in outreaches to other people, as some pastors and evangelists can testify of events before they were saved. And yet do I get dumped for a couple weeks of stress? Or is there still something else to find out?
If anyone has a mental breakdown are they going to be dumped if some improper idea crosses their mind?
How about "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews c13v5) or "Those who come to me I will never drive away" (Jn c6v37) and "the Holy Spirit is the guarantee of your salvation" , but if He disappears what guarantee have you got left?
The promises seem to be very fragile, in my present experience, so be careful.
I repent of having a breakdown and bad dreams, but I don't know how to avoid one as stress can come at a time and speed that you cannot cope with. I would have hoped that at such a time Jesus would have stepped in to help or guide, I had kept asking God what why was He doing this, or I would have expected that the Holy Spirit, which I had, would have called for backup.
We have just been to a seminar where it was mentioned "let Jesus take the trash out" . Afterwards I wondered if I could recall some of those images, but I don't seem to be able to. So has he taken the trash out and thrown it into the "sea of forgetfulness" or did he take the evidence? He may have taken out other things before I was awake. I trust he has disposed of it all, and I will try not to accumulate any more.
So what now?
I am sleeping slightly better, but the all important status of salvation is still in limbo, still leaving me under a lot of stress, as I believe strongly all of the Bible, six days, 6000 years and the eternal destinies.
Be careful to protect your salvation and study the Bible so as to keep close to God, and the Holy Spirit, lest a spiritual disaster comes upon you without warning.
One night.
Late August 2007.
One night I briefly woke to a be barely awake, on my left side, to find that some entity was leaning over me from behind. I had a peaceful pleasant warm feeling and knew that it wasn't a person. What he seemed to be doing was like tucking in a baby and saying soft and soothing words, as he tucked it into the right side of my chest, but I didn't feel anything, just sensed where his hands were, just above me.
The speech was in short bursts, quite cryptic, but spoken softly as with love and care. I felt that this was quite pleasant and peaceful, and that everything was alright, so I went back to sleep.
In previous accounts I have mentioned the space in my chest near my heart where there seemed to be warm pleasurable feeling when communicating with the Holy Ghost, but which became an empty sore place when my eternal spirit was trying to contact the Holy Spirit after this major attack was made against me. Also in the early stages of the attack, while I was trying to find out what the cause of the trouble was I could sense that the Holy Spirit was in that spot, and also had my own eternal spirit and my own self or mind so that all three of us could try to find the cause, but didn't find it out . Now it is comfortable again, and I am hoping to get a more positive result to problems in the future. Also I haven't had to continuously fight this depressing attack off during the day and night, and can get to sleep without thinking of it.
A few weeks later I was driving to church for a healing meeting and praying for someone I new would be there to be healed, and felt a strong feeling of compassion, more than I could muster by myself, it had to come from outside me, from God. I couldn't tell if it was compassion or sorrow, but hoped that there would be a complete healing for the person. It came in two parts and both times I was deeply affected, almost to the point of crying, which is a bit of a conflict while driving. During the alter call I was up the front with the person but at that time did not feel anything of the compassionate feeling, my own feelings were just dead, as usual. That person was prayed for by some with a healing ministry, but didn't seem to have any immediate healing, we will have to wait and see.
If you are a christian make sure you don't slip out of the fold!
There are many who have become lost again because they switched to an opposing belief because it was "popular", supposedly supported by science, and "politically correct".
The Lord bless you,
Ernie.
