Well, kids it's been far too long since I let Sociopath Sam out of his room. He has been in recluse for a while with his friends Chester the Molester and Infliction Ingrid. Now, however, it is time for Sam to come out and tell us what's been bothering him lately.
As you may have heard, Johnny Depp is moving to France. He says he "just doesn't understand this country anymore." So instead of actually doing something to make it a better place, he's going to up and move to France. Fucking FRANCE. You know what, Johnny? I used to like you! I really did! You were perfect in Ed Wood and I didn't mind your work in Edward Scissorhands or Pirates of the Caribbean but it's become apparent that you're just another liberal Hollywood goofball, with one hand in my pocket and the other up Michael Moore's ass. Good.! Go to France! I'm sure you'll be very happy there with all the other silly-ass, bleeding-heart, frog-munching, smelly motherfuckers! Fuck you!
And to all the people blasting Bush for the uranium claims: Fuck you! Guess who it was that made that shit up in the first place! FRANCE! Yeah! So blame your fucking frenchie-french-french friends for that one, assholes!
To whoever gave me a one on hot or not: Fuck you! You're probably some scrawny little bleach-blonde bitch with fake tits and a dumb-fuck jock boyfriend. Go blow the football team for some popularity points, princess.
To that guy with a bucket on South Exeter Street in Baltimore: Fuck you! I thought the camera would scare you off, shithead! Get a fucking job!
To everyone who talks in the movie theater: Fuck you! Especially fuck the asshole at Franklin Mills Mall who threatens talkers with his belt then talks on his faggoty little cell phone through the whole movie. I hope you get hit by a fucking school bus. And to all the parents who can't find a babysitter, fuck you and your loud-ass kids!
To Michael Moore: Fuck you! For those of you who haven't heard, Michael fatty-fat-fatso Moore is making another documentary to follow up his shitfest Bowling For Columbine called Fahrenheit 911, which is being financed by Disney. Fucking Disney. Who the fuck let them into the liberal political arena? And why are they financing a documentary about how the Bush family is supposedly tied in with the terrorist attacks of 9/11? Fuck everyone involved in this lie on celluloid.
To everyone who uses "u" for "you" and other internet-related crimes against the english language: FUCK U!
I'm pretty sick and tired of people. I have a big problem with them.
You see, I work in a video store, and in my job I see some stupid people. Now I know most people can say the same, but I see some stupid fucking people. People who bring up the display boxes and leave the rental boxes behind. Excuse me, Mr. Asshole, but do you see anyone else bringing up the display boxes? Do you see any display boxes missing from the wall except for yours? No? Then do you think we have every single thing in stock except for what you’re getting? Could you possibly be this stupid? PUT IT BACK COCKSUCKER! BRING ME THE RENTAL BOX!
Then the foreign piece of shit throws the box wherever he feels like it despite the fact that he has to go to the exact right spot anyway to get the right box. They actually make more work for themselves by putting them in the wrong place before going to the right place. You ignorant fucking douchebag!
Then there are the people who call our store. The following is a transcript of 99.9% of all phone conversations at our store.
ME: West Coast Video on Cottman, how can I help you?
CALLER: Yeah, is this West Coast Video?
ME: I’m pretty sure, yeah.
CALLER: The one on Cottman?
ME: Hold on let me check... yeah.
CALLER: What time is y’all open ‘till?
ME: Midnight.
CALLER: *click*
ME: Asshole.
Et cetra. I really, really hate these people. Nothing but foul-smelling white trash, tape-stealing moon crickets and greek/turkish/russian/what-the-fuck-ever else gypsies.
Speaking of hating people, it's long overdue, but here is a list of people who ought to have their genitals mauled by helicopter propellor blades. Most people you won't know, but they hold a special place in my heart.
Michael Moore
Reggie King
Allen Bagley
Freeman Linton
Will Ferrell
Martin Sheen
Barbara Streisand
Janeane Garafolo
Woody Harrelson
Basically all of Hollywood!
Sting
Rage Against the Machine
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Ben and Jerry. Fuck you both, and your rotten ice cream. Your chocolate chip cookie-dough tastes like frozen spooge with little dingle-berry nuggets.
Randy Smith (and I gave you my old boy scout uniforms you buck-toothed bastard.)
Sharon Kaplan
Mrs. Enderle (see Radical Feminists)
Chantel Thomas
David Lynch (Two words: Mulholland Drive.)
Tony Lee (and the rest of his dyock friends)
Larry Eli (and the rest of the Eli horde)
All of the Nicholaus's, Nikelaus's and Nicholus's (Gypsy bastards.)
John German
Illegal immigrants, (for stealing the jobs of Americans, stealing education funding from my paycheck, basically stealing everything they can see and then not having the decency to at least learn fucking english.)
Jerry Farelly
Danny, Sean and Patrick O'Neil
Radical Feminists (Not to be confused with traditional/old-school feminists, who have helped pave the way for women's liberation. I am proud to count myself as on who upholds their ideals. I'm talking about women who get into feminism strictly to be man-haters.)
Christian Fundin and Pontus Madsen (ex-cartoonists turned annoying liberal pricks)
George Clooney (Not for his political views. For Solaris!)
Steven Soderburgh (Also for Solaris! Burn in Hell Soderburgh!)
And every Muslim extremist in the world.
Had to throw that in there. They just piss me off. To paraphrase Bill Maher- "Yes, we have extremists, too. All religions do, but at least ours are just funny."