Disclaimer: I'm really fucking pissed off, folks. I'm tired. Tired of this country. Tired to being hated. Tired of being told to shut up because I'm not "P.C." If you are easily offended, stop reading RIGHT NOW.Don't say I didn't warn you.
What the hell is going on? Did I go to sleep and wake up fifty years later? What happened to this country? We live in a country where a man with health insurance can go into a hospital E.R. and be treated for a jammed finger while a guy without insurance sits in the waiting room with a jackhammer through his chest. We live in a country where women are percieved as whores for wearing revealing clothing. We live in a country where men are percieved as vicious idiots for being born with a Y chromosome. We live in a country where a hard working family can be thrown out on the street for missing a rent check, while others who have never even held a job are supplied with monthly income by the government. We live in a country where kids can go to school wearing a satanic heavy metal band's t-shirt, but if another kid wore a religious shirt, he'd have to go home and change so that no one is offended! Jesus Christ!
No pun intended.
And you know whose to blame for this? Do you know who is to blame for the state of this country?
Well, apparently if you are a white, heterosexual male ...YOU ARE!
That's right. Straight white men are the scapegoats of the country. They're to blame for racism. They're to blame for sexism. They're to blame for poor schools. They're to blame for the failing economy.
Why, you ask? Why are we to blame for everything?
Because you're not allowed to blame anyone else. If any group in the world was pinned with blame for anything at all, there would be an uproar. Straight, white men are the only group that it is politically correct for you to hate.
If you blame blacks, you're racist. If you blame women, you're sexist. If you blame Jews, you're an anti-semite. If you blame gays, you're a homo-phobe. If you blame Moslims, you're a hate-monger. If you blame straight, white men, you're American!
Yes, apparently that's what makes this country great. Freedom of speech! Of course, as any semi-educated person could tell you, freedom of speech only applies to you if what you're saying is popular. You think you'll be allowed to publish anything saying that straight, white men aren't the problem? No one would publish that! You'd be shouted down. Taken off-stage. Probably attacked! Now, on the other hand, if someone gets up on a stage in the park and starts proclaiming through a bullhorn about what motherfuckers we are and how the white man is the cause of this country's woe, the person would be carried off on the crowd's shoulders as a hero. A voice of the people.
If you think that I fucking around, here's an example of what I'm talking about. About how any other group in this country can do no wrong.
Picture yourself in a store. A gift shop. You're browsing the racks of birthday cards, and greeting cards, and wrapping paper. All of a sudden, one card catches your eye. You pick it up to read it. On the cover is a woman saying, "Men are scum." On the inside of the card, it says, "Sorry, for a minute there I was feeling generous."
This is not made up. This is a real card.
This piece of garbage was put out by the Hallmark company.
NOW. New situation. Picture yourself in that same store, browsing. You see a card, pick it up and read it. It bears a picture of a man saying "Women are scum." On the inside it says, "Sorry, for a minute there I was feeling generous."
Now, if one woman was offended at this fictional card, do you know how fast that card would come off the shelf? You'd blink and it would be gone. Because GOD FUCKING FORBID anyone in this country be offended, with the exception of straight, white men! Picture any word on that card in place of men! ANY GROUP! Asians, Blacks, Gays, Hispanics, Women, Boy Scouts! Any other word on that card, and it would disappear! Because there would be a boycott of that company! The company that produced this card would go under so fucking fast, moles living underground would go "What the fuck was that?"
Why? Why are we the only group in this country that is allowed to be poked fun at? To be made the butt of a joke? To be blamed for something?
Because we put up with it!
If only. IF ONLY guys would get together and boycott the fucking card companies, or the fucking television networks, or the fucking movies! Boycott anyplace and anything that unfairly portays men as idiots, brutes, wife-beaters, child molestors, and rapists! Only the worst of our kind are ever showcased on television, because if there ever were an intelligent male character on a sitcom, if there ever were a male protagonist who wasn't a complete lech, if ever there was ANYTHING in the media saying that men aren't all that bad...
No one would tune in.
The key media demographics in this country don't want to see intelligent, moral, uplifting male characters. They want to see a guy get hit in the nuts with a baseball bat on America's Funniest Videos. (Obviously true, because this is played approximately 27 times per show.) They want to see male sitcom characters get out witted and bested at every turn by women, children, animals and small appliances. It makes them feel better! It makes everyone else feel superior when straight, white men are showcased as being stupid, racist hate-mongers out for a good time raping women, beating children, hanging blacks and killing gays. It makes them feel smarter when mature, adult men are showcased being outsmarted by their four-year old children. Why the fuck do you think the Home Alone movies did so well? All the male characters were idiots. Except of course, Macauly Culkin. I guess they couldn't find a little girl for the part.
I could seriously go on for pages on this topic, but I want to move on to a few other things that make me want to commit mass-murder. Like,... baby names.
Y'know? I really can't stand kids names these days. A lot of people, comedians especially, have been remarking on this lately, but I haven't seen any improvement, so I might as well throw my log on the fire.
Once upon a time, mature adults gave their children names at birth. This practice had been around for some time, say, hundreds of thousands of years. I'm not sure when, but sometime in the very recent past, the last twenty or thirty years, adults stopped giving their children names, and began giving them descriptions. Parents are giving their children names that sound like fucking adjectives. I was watching daytime TV, (don't ask me why) not too long ago, and I believe it was Sally Jesse Raphael. I forget all details about the shows topic, but one thing stayed with me. One of the guests names was...
"Stacious."
What the fuck is that? I've never heard this name before. Never. No normal human being names their kid this. Apparently this is pronounced "stay-shuss." It sounds like a word used by people buying a home. "Wow, honey! The basement is so stacious! Jordan and Tucker are going to have plenty of room to play."
And don't get me started on names like "Jordan" and "Tucker." I think enough comedians have thorougly dealt with this topic. I would like to thank George Carlin for his devotion to ending this trend.
Then there are people who name their kids verbs.
VERBS!!! Either that or a derivation of a verb, such as those ending with "er" to denote "one who..." as well as past tense verbs!
Chase? Drew? Page? Hunter? Parker? Carter? Conner? SKYLER???
Then there are the kids whose mothers have wayyy too much time to sit and watch soap operas.
Aden, Aiden, Adrian, Austin, Audrey, Blake, Brittany, Britney, Britani, Brytni, Caitlin, Carson, Deacon, Devon, Dominique, Eden, Emmy, Emmi, Field, Ford, Gabi, Gil, Haley, Harper, Hillary, Hutch, Isabelle, Iva, Jagger, Jaime, Jax, Jazz, Jocelyn, Julian, Kayla, Keemo,... KEEMO!... Lahoma, Leticia, Lexy, Macauley, Margo (where's the T?) Marshall, Missy, Morgan, Myra, Nikki (if you name your kid this, you must have high hopes for her porn career,) Quentin, Reese, Sabrina, Serena, Sharlene, Shayne (again, porno name) Shep, Sheridan, Sierra, Skye (porno name) Skyler, Stephano, Tabitha, Tad, Taggert, Tiffany, Tiffani, Trey, Trixie, Vivian, Vivienne, Wes, Whitney, Zander, Zende, Zoe and Zane.
On the topic of giving your kid eleven different names, I would just like to thank Meg Ryan for changing hers from Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra. I want to kill her parents.
Also, Hulk Hogan made a wise choice. No one would be afraid of a wrestler named Terry Jean Bollette.
In collecting this list of names from those most popular for babies over the past three years, I came across two that I most enjoyed.
Gonzo and Snapper.
Gonzo and Snapper are two of the most popular baby names from 2000 to now. I am so happy about this. Now that idiot parents have decided to give their children names this ridiculous, we'll be able to find those parents that much quicker when the revolution comes. Actually if I were one of those kids I'd kill my parents before anyone else had the chance to!
(Stab!)... and this is for my sister Lahoma Sue-Anne! (Stab)... and my brother Carpenter Jordan-Taggert! (Stab)...
The good thing about this is that while we're hunting down these parents, we'll have a chance for a good laugh at seeing the names on the list.
Then there are the names you see on the news. Kids in West Philly, who haven't eaten in six months, because momma's kept them in the basement for that long, spending her monthly income on clubs and liquor. I saw a news story about a fire in a poor neighborhood a while back. Three children died in the fire. One of those children was named...
"Yea-Yea."
You know what? He's better off. I'd rather be dead than have a name like "Yea-Yea," I'll tell you that!
The next teenage girl I meet who tells me that her first baby's name will be Morgan Mason Sue-Anne Brytni, I'm going to crush her empty fucking head in a vice. If a pregnant woman tells me some shit like that, I won't kill her, even though the baby would be better off dead. Rather I'm going to hunt down her husband and cut his balls off for impregnating someone so fucking stupid! Not to mention the life of suffering and misery he?s damned his child to!
You know, naming kids names like this is one way to make me turn 180 degrees and champion the cause of abortion.
I work in a West Coast Video, and another buch of social retards I'd like to throw into a jet engine are customers in stores who think that you, the clerk, should help them out or cut them a special deal because you're the same race as they. Fuck you! How dare you put me on the spot like that, or make me uncomfortable! I ought to jam that porno up your ass! You know something? He'd probably enjoy it.
Who else makes me want to beat small children with 2x4's? People who leave their cell phones on in the movie theater. You motherfucker! I just missed the best line of the film because your girlfriends have to talk to you RIGHT NOW. The next time I hear that Nokia tone in the middle of a movie that I paid eight bucks to see, I will make the perpatrator lick the floor. Anyone who's been in a movie theater knows that that's punishment enough. Especially in a porn theater.
Don't get me started on people who talk to the movie. Let it be known to all people attending films this summer who think that they're an interactive experience: I am armed.
"Don't go in there, sistah! Uh-uh! He about to come through there! YO, WATCH OUT GIRL! He about to stab yo ass!"
(*Click*...*BOOM*!!!)
"That goes for the rest of you too."
Here's a group of people that make me angry enough to electrocute kittens. Guys that want to spend forty-five minutes explaining to me why they're right about something, even though I made it clear to them at the start that I agree with them. Usually by the end I've changed my opinion to differ, just because I don' t want to be on the same side of any issue with someone like this. Guy wants to tell me that he only wants to exchange a tape, not even get his money back, but exchange a tape because it's broken. The manager says no, so I can't help him out. Does he leave? Fuck no! He has to tell me a fucking story about it! Don't you have something better to do, Olaf? Like maybe see a doctor about that disgustingly infected lip fungus? Get the fuck out of my store you oversized half-wit!
And the next time I get called a "motherfucker" by some homeboy because I'm white and I'm too close to his turf, it'll be your mother I fuck, cocksucker! Bring those words a little closer, fuckhead! Shit even if I ran away he wouldn't be able to catch me because his pants are around his fucking knees.
"Yo, I'll bust yo ass you white mothafuck- WHOA! (*Thump-bang-crash*)"
The next group of nitwits on my list are people who drive like retarded children. It's bad enough you?re going ten miles per hour on the highway, you don't have to weave in and out of lanes like that. You need a push? Here, hold you car right there- (CRASH!! - VROOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!)
And to the next person I see wearing a visor sideways, upside-down and inside out: Unless you can run 1180 feet per second, you'd better duck and cover, motherfucker. The visor is meant to keep the sun out of your eyes, and unless your mother was experimenting with some pretty heavy drugs during pregnancy, they're in the front of your head. If you're not going to shield your eyes with it, then take it off. The only time it is acceptable to wear a hat backwards is when it's cloudy, or you're indoors. It is never acceptable to wear it sideways. Period. Fuck you!
You know, working with the public gives you a lot of ammunition in the game I play. There is never a shortage of people to hate.
Here's another group of people who should be tied to telephone poles and have power lines run trough their genitals. Gypsies. These fuckwads come in the store all the time complaining about tapes that have nothing wrong with them, while their kids pawn candy from under the counter. For those gypsies out there reading this: It's a little fucking suspicious when four different families with different names come in on different nights with the same kids and the same telephone number. Just a tip, idiots.
And stop stealing the fucking Yoo-Hoo! I hope the next one you take without paying for it gives you explosive diarreah! You fucks!
Here are some people that make me want to leave society and become a hunter-gatherer in the wild. PETA. I myself am one of the People for the Eating of Tasty Animals! No, actually PETA stands for something much more sinister. It's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Unless, of course, those animals are human. Then it's okay to kill them. Normally I'm all for the murder of human beings, but these people are just downright hypocritical. They want to stop medical testing on animals, which has broght about penicillin, the cure for Polio, and lots of other good shit and to get this "humane" message across, they throw paint on people's six thousand dollar coats and blow up buildings. Well, that's fucking humane isn't it! I was watching John Stossel on 20/20 tonight and I swear to God I heard one of these silly cock polishers say this:
"We are not your parents humane society!"
Ohhhh!!! I'm scaaaared! Look at me, I'm shaking! Jesus, how can these people possibly expect to be taken seriously? At one point they doused themselves in red paint and crawled around on the ground in front of a Macy's. That's showing 'em! Let Macy's try to sell fur coats now!
Another brilliant attempt to rid the world of fur coats was to run up a runway while model Gisele Bundchen was striding by. They run up and wave their silly little signs around. I don't know what they said because I was having a difficult time peeling my eyes off of Gisele's ass, but I gotta give this girl credit. She didn't even lose her composure. Anyway, they do this, but I really don't know what it proves or disproves or whatever, since the model was wearing no fur. She was barely wearing anything!
A link from their site. Jesus. There is no way that any real kid would say this.
PETA has quite a few celebrities doing it's inane ads now, such as Alec Baldwin and,... Alec Baldwin. Maybe a few other assholes. No one important, certainly. A bunch of other jackasses with nothing better to do, such as Denise Richards and Pink have written PETCO asking them to stop selling animals. Well, then! I'm sure this will be rectified immediately! Thank you, stars of Hollywood, for your tireless devotion to jumping on any bandwagon in sight.
As far as all of this PETA shit is concerned, I think that this link from their site pretty much explains it all.
As a postscript to this part, may I add two letters sent to People Eating Tasy Animals by sixth graders. Sick, sick shit. (The italic words are added by me.)
I hope you and your little fan club starve to the point where you slaughter and eat each other.There's a humane additude!
I hope you get so cold, you skin all your friends and wear their covering. I hope you are tied and beaten until you are paralyzed, then sent to a labratory and tested on until you die.
So,... you're against doing this to animals, but you're FOR doing it to humans? Explain this?
I would laugh and clap my hands if you were all locked in cages and treated as machines.
What do you think school is?
I've never seen a sicker, more revolting web page than yours?
Might I then suggest Stileproject.com!
...a desperate display to support your narrow-minded ways. That page is the mark of an insecure, mentally ill man.
(female name withheld) - 6th grade vegetarian Who's Hungry?
The second letter was written by a boy. This one may be even worse.
HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!
HOW DARE I WHAT??????
I CANT BELIEVE THAT A PERSON WOULD DO SUCH A INHUMAN THING.
"Such a inhumane thing." Great english.
ANIMALS NEVER DID A THING TO YOU SO WHY DONT YOU RETURN THAT FAVOR.
A question ends in a question mark, son; not a period.
I HAPPEN TO BE A VEGATARION AND YOUR WEB PAGE IS THE MOST REVOLTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
Once again! Stileproject.com!!
I AM SORRY THAT I HAVE TO BE SO HARSH BUT WHEN I SAW THAT YOUR PAGE WAS REAL I CRIED LIKE A NEW BORN BABY.
That's being harsh? And here I thought it was "Being a complete pussy."
JUST I THINK YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU TYPE ANY MORE ON YOUR PAGE ( NO THIS IS NOT A THREAT OR A DEMAND OR A ULTAMATOM AND NO I WILL NOT BE SENTING ANY BOMBS IN THE MAIL [ILL LEAVE THAT TO THE UNABOMBER. AND MY POINT TO THAT IS THAT HE IS IN JAIL SO HE CANT SEND ANYTHING. PLUS I HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE THINKING].
What the fuck are you talking about? And what is an ultamatom? I am glad to hear you won't be senting any bombs, though.
I MEAN THE ANIMALS HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU . THEYVE SLEPET IN YOUR BED WITH YOU (I AM REFERING TO A DOG) AND GIVEN THE LOVE AND OFFECTION YOU NEEDED WHEN NO ONE WAS THERE TO COMEFORT YOU. SO PLEASE THINK ON BEHALF OF THE ANIMALS WHAT THEYVE DONE FOR YOU. SO RETURN THE FAVOR.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS LETTER, This sounds like it was written in German, then translated into Japanese, then French, then Japanese again, then finally English. At least this kid was polite, though. Just one thing. STOP SHOUTING!(male name withheld) - (AGE 12)
Okay, what else? Here's another on-the-job gripe. How about co-workers who are never around? There's a fun bunch. Every ten minutes it's "I'll be right back, I just gotta (insert something other than 'be at the register')." I can't stand that shit. Every time I turn around I'm alone, and of course that's when I need help with something. It's as soon as the manager on duty goes to get lunch when two guys from Rowanda wonder aloud why they can't get a membership by showing me a rat tail and a piece of cheese. Welcome to America, guys. Get some fucking I.D.
Today I worked seven hours (10am to 5pm) and didn't eat anything. Not a goddamn thing all day. Isn't there a law that says after five hours you get a thirty minute lunch? YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS THERE IS! Why don't I get one? Do I have to fucking ask for it? I'd've thought it was a given!
Here's another gripe about jobs, but it's more of a "searching-for-a-job" gripe. A co-worker told me something interesting. There is a law that states that even if an employer is not hiring, they must take applications anyway, and keep them on file for one year. Now, I thought I'd heard something like this before, but I wasn't certain. Marlo Books and Coconuts at the Roosevelt Mall both refused to give me applications because they weren't hiring right then. I'm boycotting these cocksuckers. Please help the cause.
I need a cold one.