"I regret nothing!!!"
-An Itchy and Scratch fan falling to his grisly death (The Simpsons)
Why is it that our most vivid memories are those of our biggest screw-ups? Why is it that I can't remember half of my life before age ten, but I can remember every stupid thing I said that I was later to rue having even thought?
The answer to both of these questions is... Sodium Pentothal.
No! No, the answer to these questions can be summed up in just one word.
Regret.
Someone once said, "We regret the things we do not do." I disagree. I don't thing it's possible to regret something that did not take place. How can you regret something that never existed? No, I believe that the majority of regrets lie with that which people wish that they had not done. Otherwise, how could regret exist?
Regret is not a tangible thing. It is not physical. It cannot be touched or smelt or tasted, yet it exists nevertheless. It cannot even be heard, despite the fat, sweating, fifty-year-old guy in the grocery store who's leering at the sixteen-year-old cashier girl at the next register and complaining that he didn't chase pussy when he was your age and why aren't you out having the time of your life while you still can and how much do the Cheez Doodles cost after this coupon?
Sorry,... went "supermarket flashback" for a minute there. Anyway, here is a list of things that I have learned as a result of wonderful, wonderful regret.
1. Never ask someone to explain a fetish of theirs. You don't wanna know.
2. Don't joke in mixed company. At all. Don't tell a Jewish joke to a Jewish person. Don't tell a Black joke to a black person. I don't care that they said it's all right. Don't do it.
3. Don't become too fond of hentai, because it ruins real women for you.
Pfft. They do enough ruining of their own. - J 4. It is better to not say something and wish you had, than to say something and wish you hadn't.
5. Do not go to www.rotten.com
6. Do not click anything on the internet out of curiosity. If you see a term that you don't understand, don't click it to find out what it is. Instead, ask one of your more internet-savvy friends, who probably know what it is from a terrible experience of their own. Examples of words to avoid: Vore, Furries, Ecchi, Shot, Scheisse, Bukkake, Sawn, Asphyx, and Necro.
7. Don't believe that anything is free. Nothing is free. The word has no meaning. If you see "Free," it means "Bullshit."
8. Do not attempt to talk to anyone about religion, politics or the Great Pumpkin.
9. Do not make promises you can't or don't intend to keep. They tend to come back to haunt you.
10. Do not enter chatrooms. Period.
11. Never lend anything out worth more than thirty bucks unless you absolutley trust the person. Don't let them make you feel uncomfortable for not lending them stuff. It's your shit!
12. Ask out that cute girl in Chemistry class. Now, motherfucker! You're not getting another chance!
13. Don't be superstitious.
14. Don't misspell simpel words on a resume.
15. If some smartass puts a link that says "do not click this link," take his word for it. (See #6.)
16. If you think that doing a certain thing will cause you to make an ass of yourself, trust your instincts. (See #4.)
17. Do not leave any kind of jewelry of expensive item (i.e. glasses, Italian shoes) within a mile of a puppy.
18. Do not end a rant without a witty closer.