That wasn't a question, that's the topic. This is what's wrong with people: They suck. People are surprisingly stupid. They'll step on you as soon as look at you. They succeed at the most complex of criminal business practices, and fail at the simplest things like common courtesy or being a decent person.
The specific topic given to me by Jon was "Girls and Guys," so this rant will specifically target what's wrong with each sex... specifically.
I'll try to keep this one clean.
"I can't get married. I'm a thirty year-old boy.""We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need."
"Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? One who won't freak out on me?""They don't come that way, dear."
It's obvious from our films and literature than men and women can't stand each other. This is odd, because our specie has been around a few hundred thousand years. It must be the promise of sex that keeps us going; it certainly doesn't seem to be our fondness for one another. My question is: Why the hostility?
I've never held anything against my female compatriots. Well, okay, I've been slightly irritated at the way they choose to weave in and out of lanes while driving. And, okay, they way every conversation with a woman somehow turns into a diatribe about how much better guys have it starts to grate on me. All right, I also can't stand the way a woman will dress to flaunt her bodily attributes and then act like you’re an asshole for looking at her.
ALL RIGHT, THEY DRIVE ME FUCKING CRAZY!
Is that a crime? Have I done anything wrong? I'm sure that the above situations do not just happen to me.
What is it about women that makes them have to feel superior in all situations? What is it that makes them crave attention non-stop? What are they trying to achieve when you try to tell them how nice they look today, and they turn around and say "What is that supposed to mean? That I don’t look nice any other day?"¹
It's no wonder I don't have a girlfriend. I have a really low tolerance for that bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if I stayed single for the rest of my life at this point.
And men! What is it about men that makes them think that just because they buy a woman dinner and take her to a movie that this gives them some sort of "Free Nookie" card? I don't recall seeing that on the licensing agreement. But in all seriousness: Guys, keep your hands to yourselves. If you've taken a girl out for the night and she's not interested in doing anything, leave it alone. Maybe she's shy. I know you're thinking "Maybe she's not the girl for me." Relax! Give it time.
If, on the other hand, you've taken her out for six months, taken her to a dozen dinners, bought her jewelry, birthday presents, a box of chocolates, and a diamond bracelet and she still won't put out, talk to her. Maybe she's scared. Maybe she doesn't want to get into anything serious too quickly. Or maybe she's been riding your "gravy-train-of-never-ending-gifts-and-dinners" for too long and it's time to "pull into the station". Um, I mean, "this is where she get off". Uh, I mean, "This is her stop!"
Hey, I tried.
Shit, I don't know. What do I look like? Dear Abby? If I knew anything about the mysteries of woman, I might not be single. The best I can tell you is: Treat her right, respect her, give her space and "no" means "no!"*
On the other hand, if this doesn't work, try beating her! Women seem to love that. It must be a real thrill because there are a billion single nice guys in the world, but every drug-riddled, tattoo-laden imbecile with a track record for domestic violence has some dumb bitch clinging to his meaty arm. What do I know? These guys seem to have it right. You know that they say. "Treat 'em rough, you'll get your muff."
Also, guys: When a woman asks you a question, think it over long and hard before you answer. Go over the wording of the question in your head. Don't bother yourself with the fact that she's waiting for a response. Don't worry about it. I say this because half the questions women ask you are traps. They are designed to elicit a certain answer out of you so that the women can, with their ready retort, show how much smarter and better they are than you, you pathetic man.² A woman will ask you a really simple question. Something you wouldn't even think twice about, like pointing out another girl in a mall and saying "She's pretty isn't she?" Now if you answer "Yes" then in "womanese" this means that you think the other girl is more pretty and that you're no longer interested in your relationship and you're cheating aren't you?
If you answer "No" it doesn't matter anyway because all men are liars, damn it!
See? You can't win. You never will. I figure the best way to deal with this is just not to answer her. Let her ask her ass off and just ignore the idiocy. Or just outright insult her. This, like beatings, gains instant respect and admiration.
Now another note to women: If you claim that all you want is a nice guy who will treat you right, then actively seek out brutal thugs who abuse you to date them, you deserve everything you get. The next time I hear one of my "nice guy" friends tell me about how they got passed up by a girl for one of these guys, I'm going to rent out copies of In the Company of Men in the boxes for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. (The results of this would be interesting to say the least.)
How dare you take advantage of your platonic "nice guy" friend by crying on his shoulder over your latest dickhead boyfriend then have the brass balls to say to him "I wish I could just meet a nice guy like you!" Fuck you!
Okay, I think I've picked on the ladies enough. There's more shit about guys that galls me, like the non-stop "I have to impress everyone" posturing. Pushing around weaker guys and showing off those steroid-riddled arms whenever something with tits walks by. Hey, jack-off! Grow up! You'll never get a date by showing women what an asshole you are...
Oh, well, um, actually you probably will. But you know something, wise guys? We nice guys have it much better in the end! Women date the assholes like you, but they bring us nice guys home to meet their mothers! You guys are forced to screw them when they're young and hot, but when they're a little older and more mature they'll take your kids and come home to us! The nice guys! So that we get to spend the rest of our lives raising your kids, married to an over-the-hill former hottie! HAH!
Hey, wait a minute.
*Sometimes.
¹ Actual quote I was told via e-mail by a fellow nice guy.
² Women interviewed in Maxim Magazine actually admitted to this. Sad, sad, sad.