"So the geeks in attendance got jaws on the floor..." ~ M.C. Frontalot, "Yellow Lasers."
These are the people, ladies and gentleman, that make we want to kill you all. Sorry, but I gotta get everyone, so you're gonna have to go too. I know our readership will suffer immensely when I put the world to flame and the hordes, screeching in agony, are cast into the pit, but I like to think of it this way: "What readership?"
The first time I saw this abomination of all I hold dear, I found it funny, in a sad kinda way. "How silly of them," I thought, "They?re wearing cardboard hats." The second time, I had basically the same reaction as that of my associate. Fuck, man, there are people who fight in actual armor, with real goddamn weapons that are sharp and can fucking kill them. Grow a pair, would ya? My contempt for these people grows with every subsequent viewing, and now it's grown like a malignant cancer on my soul, (a "soulanoma," if you will,) rending the fabric of my very life to tatters. Or not, either way it's fun to mock these shitdicks. Let's take a play-by-play look at this pathetic attempt at roleplaying with the short-bus crowd.
We start out in what appears to be the middle of a huge circle jerk fight. Guy in the middle, who appears to have a big paper bag over his head (wouldn't you want one too?) is getting assaulted by dozens of people. Fucking dozens. Not one, or two, or a few,... DOZENS.
What I can only assume to be the Ogre mentioned in the filename (the guy in the cardboard armor and paper bag hat) is armed with two clubs. Wait, they're not clubs. At closer inspection, they appear to be a novelty over-sized baseball bat, and a large plastic turd. Through the entirety of the movie, he does all of two things: half-heartedly wave the bat and turd around in manner that could only be described as "not at all menacing,"... and die. Well, not so much "die" as "fall over like an idiot," which he obviously is if he's wearing CARDBOARD FUCKING ARMOR. Oh yeah, he also says "arg" a lot, too. Yeah, just "arg." Not "Graaagh..." Not "MRAHHH," just "arg." The least threatening sound imaginable. He may actually be saying "Arm," or "Go away you fucking losers," but the cardboard armor and paper bag muffle the speech somewhat.
Here comes my favorite character in the thing, someone I've affectionately named "Fatty McFatkilt." You don't see him at first, but soon after the Ogre enunciates so eloquently his first "Arg" he's hit with a ping pong ball from behind, and someone yells "lightning bolt!" Yeah, fatty decided that a fucking PING PONG BALL was the best way to visualize a lightning bolt. Get used to fatty and his lightning ping-pong balls, because he does the same damn thing to the poor Ogre approximately 23 million times. Obviously, it's not doing shit to him, (since the ogre never once says "ouch, you hit me with a fucking lightning bolt,") and yet Fatty keeps on chucking. A stray bolt/ball hits another character, "Chinese-hat guy" right in the fucking face, and he doesn't so much as blink. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the weakest lightning bolt in the world of physics.* Pikachu you ain't, Fatty McFatkilt.
Moments before the not-at-all-lethal impact... of a fucking ping-pong ball. Hate world. Violently murder all. Arg.
Fatty continues his assault for another month or so (why Ogre just doesn't turn around and attack Fatty, I'll never know) before another wretched, hapless loser fighter comes into play. She has no name. Not because she's a badass, mind you, simply because the bright-as-fuck, metallic purple cape she's wearing burnt a hole in the part of my brain that gives loser dumbasses names. She politely taps Ogre on the shoulder a few times with her "Enchanted Stick of Tapping People on the Shoulder +2," and he keels over. Fatty has been rapid-fire bolting this twatstick for eons, and bitch walks over, goes "a-hem," and he drops. We already knew Fatty was a huge wuss,** but come the hell on!
So ogre is dead, does that mean the battle's over? Of course not! The pain's just beginning! Another creature comes in from behind Fatty (who must've just been sitting there while Fatty was beating the living shit out of his comrade - Great guy!) and starts throwing ping-pong balls himself. Another spellcaster, "Goblin Guy!" The plot thickens, but so does shit if you let it dry.
This guy, slightly better dressed than Ogre, immediately gets stuck to a tree by Fatty. Goblin Guy is kicking some serious ass, and ever manages to catch the nameless chick with the blinding cape with a death spell/ping pong ball), until Fatty whips out a death spell, Goblin Guy falls over like an epileptic, and some chick claps like an idiot. These cock-polishers even clap stupidly, for fuck's sake.
Now, we could go over everything that's so hideously wrong about this little film, but I only have a 30-gig hardrive, so instead we'll look at the two most blaring examples of the idiocy in play here.
Fatty McFatkilt downed goblin guy in two shots, but he took a FUCKING DECADE attacking the big huge thing with little prissy ping pong ball lightning bolts that don't hurt people even if it's thrown directly in their fucking faces, and yet the saves the "death" ping pong ball for a guy who's stuck to a tree.
The second stupid thing that defies logic is that Goblin Guy lobs his own "death" ping pong at the chick with the blinding cape, and she falls over dead, THEN GETS THE FUCK BACK UP! If she didn't die, why did she fall, and if she did die, why the fuck was it only for two seconds? They obviously take their role-playing seriously, but not enough that the old "Cowboys and Indians" rule still applies: "You missed! I'm not dead! You missed!!"
Shit, never mind.
So, what have we learned from this? Not much, considering I'd much like to learn the names, addresses, and IP address of every last one of the fuck knobs, and simultaneously hack their computers, beat their asses tan, and burn their house down.
With lightning bolts.
Lightning bolts that actually do something.
*However, there is a slight chance that IT'S NOT FUCKING REAL, IT'S A PING-PONG BALL, GODDAMN YOU, and thus wouldn't do anything to Chinese-hat guy.
**Considering his choice of roles, between "Guy Who Throws Ping-Pong Balls And Yells Effeminately," and "Guy Who Whacks People With Stuff," one can tell this guy has neither been in a fistfight nor touched a woman's genitalia in his life,***
***...and most likely never will. Well, at least not the genitalia part. He will, however, be in a couple of fights if I have anything to say about it.
**** In case you just missed that, Fatty McFatkilt fucking took out this guy in two shots. Wow. Goblin Guy sucks cock.*****
(*****Actually, so does Fatty. - M)