Well, my friends, it's been a weird year and a half since 9/11. We turned Afghanistan into a parking lot for flying planes into our World Trade Center and Pentagon, then we vaporized Sadaam Hussein for helping them. (Don't bother objecting to this claim outright. I will explain in due time.)
First of all, I would like to thank my compatriot, Jon, for his amusing yet insightful look at these events. I would, however, also like to point out that these events did not begin in 1990 with Iraq's going after Kuwait. No, no. They began much earlier than that.
Once upon a time, there was the USA, Iran and Iraq. Iran had some American hostages, so USA didn't like Iran very much. So USA gave lots of money to Iraq to bomb the shit out of Iran. When Jimmy Carter stepped down and Ronald Reagan took office, the Iranians said "Holy shit, a conservative! He won't put up with our bullshit! We'd better release these hostages!" And so they did. As Ronald Reagan took office, there was a split screen on televisions that day in January of 1980. One side showing Ronnie taking the oath, the other half of the screen showing the hostages coming to safety.
Well not long after that did we find that Sadaam Hussein was a pretty big asshole too, so we sold a shitload of weapons to Iran and said "Fuck it, let them fight it out." And so we did.
Meanwhile Afghanistan was getting it from the USSR, who we didn't care for much, so USA trained Afghanis to fight back. Among those given expert CIA training, an oil baron's young heir named Osama Bin Laden.
Oliver North was at a press conference in Washington, answering questions about the state of world affairs. Al Gore was asking him about his position on Iraq. North said that it isn't Iraq we should be so concerned about. Gore said, "Well who should we be watching?" North replied, "Osama Bin Laden."
Gore made a joke out of this, intentionally mispronouncing Bin Laden's name. He asked "Why Osama Bin Laden?" Oliver North replied, "Because he's the most evil man that I know of."
The year was 1982.
Fast-Forward to 1990 where Jon's story picks up. Iraq invades Kuwait and USA steps in to stop Sadaam. Then President George Bush tells Iraq "Take your country back! Take it from Sadaam with our help!" Iraq, urged forward by these words, takes over 90% of the country away from Sadaam, then turns and looks to the sky for the U.S. Air Force.
Nothing.
USA was nowhere to be found. Sadaam walked away unscathed and the Iraqi people have both paid for this rebellion and hated America ever since. Can you blame them?
Over the course of the 1990's, (most of which is a blur of liberal bullshit to me) USA and Iraq have squared off quite a few times. Bill Clinton, the worst president ever, actually used his balls for something important when he threatened to invade Iraq in 1998 because of Sadaam Hussein's countless violations of U.N. conventions since the Gulf War. Clinton sent weapons inspectors into Iraq. They turned up nothing.
All the while this is going on, Afghanistan is being run by a terrorist regime by the name of Al Queda. They kill and maime and torture whoever for no particular reason. Their claim to fame is public executions via soccer field throat slittings. Afghanistan's number one citizen is a 6'5'' bearded towel-head billionaire with a dialysis machine. That's right, our old friend Osama Bin Laden is spending his time trianing bloodthirsty Afghanis and Saudi Arabians to kill us because we are, as he calls us, the "Weak Goat." His basic philosophy, as he teaches it to them is, "America is the weak goat who doesn't have the balls to retaliate, should we do anything."
September 11, 2001: 19 Saudi Arabians, on the orders of Osama Bin Laden, hijack four of our airliners. They fly one into WTC Tower 1, one into WTC Tower 2, one into the Pentagon, and the other crash lands in Pennsylvania farmland thanks to the heroic efforts of it's passengers, who valiantly fought back and kept the plane from being used to destroy us. Every passenger in every plane died, along with 3000 other people in the World Trade Center.
Now President George W. Bush acts quickly, striking back against the perpetrator. Afghanistan is quickly taken from Al Queda with the help of Afghani rebels. Osama Bin Laden manages to escape, despite our best efforts.
For a while after this, USA looks around for anyone who might have helped Osama do it. Several connections are made to Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat, who turns 180º and condemns terrorism, despite his paying the families of suicide bombers large sums of money. Connections are also made to Iraqi dictator and all-around asshole Sadaam Hussein, who pretty much says "Go fuck youself, Bush."
Weapons inspectors are once again sent into Iraq, to the embarassment of every American, since it is the most ridiculous assembly of nitwits in history. They actually get lost at one point and ask Iraqi spies who are following them for directions. If I ever come face to face with Hans Blix, I won't be held responsible for my actions.
They find (surprise!) nothing.
Well, okay, I'm lying. They do come across several tons of chemical weapons, but most of the shit is left over from World War I. Mustard Gas that might have effect on a kitten. Surprisingly enough, they find proof that Sadaam has a good amount of VX, which is the nastiest shit imaginable, but this is not proof enough for America to storm in. No! "Just give the inspectors more time!" is the rallying cry of the liberals and European nations such as France, who are in good with Sadaam. "No war for oil!" is another slogan made up by the people who know they have no logical argument whatsoever, so they choose to take pictures of Bush and paint Hitler moustaches on them, ignoring the fact that Sadaam Hussein actually IS HITLER REINCARNATED.
France? Don't get me started on France! We have done nothing but aid France for the past 200+ years, and they return the favor by shitting on us non-stop, calling us Nazi's when it's actually WE WHO SAVED THEM FROM THE REAL NAZIS. They helped us out once, in the Revolutionary War, and that's only because they hated Britain even more than us. Ever since then they have taken our kindness and good nature and shoved it up our asses. FUCK FRANCE.
Germany? Germany telling us not to go to war? FUCK YOU!
It's proof enough for me that we're doing the right thing when the Iraqis cheer us on, dancing in the streets chanting "Yay Bush!" The liberals have been scrambling throughout this whole thing, trying desperatley to come up with a reasonable argument against war, but they have yet to come up with one. Instead they simply parade in the streets waving Bush/Nazi flags and screaming slogans like a feminist rally. "I AM ASSHOLE, HEAR ME ROAR!"
Now that the war is in decline and newly-freed Iraqis are looting stores and museums and shit, the liberals are saying "Look at this! The troops are just going to stand there and let this happen!"
My response is: You were against us going into Iraq in the first place, but now all of a sudden you want us to police it? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS!
A few last notes. One: The next person who says that Bush is a "cowboy" who's itching for a fight, you'd better hope I don't run into you on the street, because I will literally RUN INTO YOU. WITH A SWORD. A BIG, FUCK-OFF SHINY ONE.
Two. Fuck France.
Three. To all of the protestors who were saying "Why are we going into Iraq when we should be going into North Korea and Iran?" : Don't worry! We'll get there! Give it time.
BUT. When we DO go into those countries like you requested, I don't want to see ONE FUCKING PROTESTOR. You said yourselves that war with Iraq was wrong but war with North Korea is A-OK, so don't get in the way motherfucker, or I will run you the fuck over in my 1986 Chevy Celebrity CL. Doesn't sound like much to look at? It's not. But it does weigh 1700 pounds. Beep, beep.