If you are reading this, your chance of surviving a horror film situation has just increased ten-fold, as most characters in horror movies are too stupid to read. Most often characters in horror films who don't survive fail to do so because of blatant idiocy. Their death often immediately follows such life-affirming activities as letting a psycho killer into their house or running upstairs to get away from him. (Are there ever any exits on the second floor of the house? NO! Do they ever learn from this mistake?! NO!!)
If you ever find yourself in a situation likened to that described above, I'm sure you will be all right, as you have enough intelligence to combine these printed words into decipherable phrases. However, if you would still prefer, I will let you in on several surefire tips on how to survive should you ever find yourself in a horror film.
· If you and your college friends decide to break into a cabin in the woods and find a series of notes on an ancient tome that has the power to ressurect ancient evil, DON'T READ IT.· Do not have sex if you hear on the radio that a serial killer has escaped from the town mental institution. Serial killers are inexplicably drawn to hormone-crazed teens. Sex, therefore, tends to lead to certain death.
· Do not have sex in a cemetary. The dead people don't like it.
· Do not have sex at all, in fact. Just to be on the safe side.
· If you are a whiny, loud, high-strung character, you can stop reading now. Unfortunately, you always make it through the movie.
· Now that that he's stopped reading, if you are not the whiny, loud, high-strung character, please kill him for me! He won't make it to the next movie if I have anything to say about it!
· Don't bother trying to solve the mystery of who the killer is. I'm serious. Who are you, Hercule Poirot? You're a fifteen year-old high school student. You can't even solve the mystery of morning wood. Besides, even if somehow you're a character in a horror film with an I.Q. higher than that of bubble-gum, you won't be able to figure it out anyway, because it's impossible. The ending is always some shit they just pulled out of a hat, which you couldn't possibly conclde from the evidence given. You can have all the evidence in the world pointing to Deputy Hard-On, the clumsy cop who was found at the scene of the crime, covered in blood, holding the knife, but at the end, the killer will take off his mask, and it turns out to be your mother, all right? Stop playing detective and run upstairs.
· Do not go to the police, as all movie police officers are idiots. Either you will receive absolutley no help from Sheriff Stumpfuck, or he'll turn out to be the killer. Stop going to the police and run upstairs.
· Do not break into the high school after hours to get away from the killer. It never helps, and he usually somehow seems to get into the building faster in order to be waiting for you.
· Do not drive anywhere until you fill your gas tank, check your tires and place a loaded gun in the glove compartment.
· If you shoot someone and they aren't affected by it, RUN! I cannot stress this enough. Standing your ground and emptying sixteen magazines into the killer isn't going to help in any way, except to remove you from the film, you annoyingly stupid bastard.
· If you see a dead person walking around, always remember: Headshots. Always the head.
· If you are surrounded by zombies and you have one bullet left in your gun, don't be a pussy and blow your own brains out. Go down shooting, like a man! Shit! Live a little, will ya? How many times in your life do you get to experience torn in half and eaten alive? Enjoy a new experience every now and then!
· If you didn't take my earlier advice and have gone ahead and started having sex, stop immediately if your partner exhbits any of the following:
· Speaking in tongues
· Baring fangs
· Sprouting wings
· Giving birth
· Dying· If you are being chased by the killer, try this for once. RUN TO A WELL-LIT AREA. DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. GET HELP. I insist that you stop running down dark alleys and breaking into closed, poorly lit department stores to get away. This simply never works.
· When you are about to be sliced up by the killer, don't give him any of that weak shit, like, "No! Please, don't! I don't wanna die!" Instead, take the path less traveled. Say something like, "I fucked your sister." Catch him off-guard. With any luck you might startle him enough to get away. If not, at least you did something to deserve your gruesome death.
· And finally, the easiest way to avoid being hacked up by a brutal killer is to be that killer yourself! You never see one insane slasher being chased by another do you? Hell, no! It would seem to violate some fundamental law of horror movies. So the next time a psycho killer is loose in your neighborhood, strap on a mask, pick up a kitchen knife and start hunting down teenagers. I guarantee you'll be all right...
...for at least a few sequels, anyway.