Little Game Shop of Horrors

Ghosts.

Yes, this game shop was haunted. Of course, this was completely unknown by the Insane Observationalists, Matt and Jon, as they unwittingly walked into it one Sunday morning looking to hang out there for a half-hour making casual quips about new releases, controller preferences and the gaming industry in general before stopping over at Jim's for an authentic Philly cheesesteak.

"That new Zelda game looks fucking queer," said Matt flatly as they passed the advertisement in the window. Jon looked for a few seconds longer before entering the store behind Matt.

"Actually it's really amazing. The lighting effects are, like, state-of-the-art," Jon complimented. Matt was unimpressed. "Yeah. So are the gaying effects."

"What?"

"What I mean is, well listen,... you know how the Zelda series has gone off on somewhat of a rift, a tangent if you will, with the last few installments?"

"Yeah."

"This just looks like the gaying-up of the series."

"Gaying-up?"

"Yeah. They screwed with the storyline and now they're going to gay-it-up by making it look like a kid's game. Link should not look like Bomberman. Link should not look like Astro-Boy. Link should not resemble a blonde animation cel turd. He should look fucking mean!"

"Really," said Jon in his usual flat tone. He was not impressed with Matt's rant. Can't he just shut up and browse? "Mean, how?"

"I don't know. Mean, like... like..." Matt searched for an appropriate spokescharacter for meanness. "Mean like D*!" exclaimed Matt, proud of his comparison.

"What does The Legend of Zelda have to do with D? Or for that matter, how does D look mean? He looks pretty gay himself."

"WHAT?!"

The voice was not Matt's, although in a second, Matt would have said the same thing. No, the voice was that of Seedy. Seedy was a total Anime/Comic Book/Video Game Fanboy, much like our heroes, yet far more annoying, and he was extremely upset.

"How can you say that? D wasn't gay! He was the baddest anime character ever! He took on Count Magus Lee, a vampire over 5000 years old! Do you know how powerful a vampire is after 5000 years? And D kicked his ass! How could you ever justify calling him gay?!" spat Seedy in one breath.

"Well, Doris, the girl who hired him in the original film?" began Jon.

"Yeah?"

"She offered herself to him and he turned her down. That's pretty gay. Don't you think, Matt?"

"Super gay."

Seedy began to turn purple. He whipped out his inhaler and took a few inhalations of his medication while Matt and Jon slipped by him. This did not deter him from voicing more objections when he finally got his breath back.

"Oh, yeah?! Well that's only because D was a half-vampire! A Dunpeal! He truly believed that it was impossible for someone like him to ever love someone else and that's why heturnedherdownAREYOUEVENLISTENINGTOME?!" wheezed Seedy as Matt and Jon left him in the distance, joining the two other browsers in the store. Matt did not particularly agree with Jon's line of reasoning, but concurred with it just to upset Seedy. More than likely, Jon wasn't serious anyway.

"Maybe he couldn't accept her offer because of Left Hand. I mean, there was that line 'What would you do without me?... Don't answer that,' that Left Hand said to him," said Matt once they were a safe distance away.

"What's your point?"

"I'm saying maybe Left Hand would have been jealous."

"Eeww," replied Jon, the only reply he had.

They continued to browse, unknowing that the eyes of the cardboard "Celda" stand-up had actually turned to look at them!

"What a fucking tragedy."

"What?" asked Jon without turning, he was too busy scowling at the box for Irritating Stick 2: Stick's Revenge.

Matt was reading a game magazine. "It says here that Resident Evil: Nemesis comes out next year."

"What could possibly be bad about that?" asked Jon, his attention now gained.

"Well, it says that the role of Jill may be played by Mira Sorvino."

"So?"

"So, were in the second movie now, and they're only now bringing in one game character? Shit! Where's Chris? I think we all know who** should play him! And Claire, and Leon. I think perhaps Breckin Meyer for Leon, or maybe David Duchovny. And Patricia Tallman for Claire.

"Who?"

"Don't fuck with me. Patricia Tallman. Barbara from Night of the Living Dead!"

"That was Judith O'Dea," said Jon. He knows his shit.

"The 1990 remake."

"Ohh."

"She was in that, Army of Darkness, Creepshow 2 and worked as a stuntwoman for many other films. She's paid her dues to the horror genre and can take a few hits too," said Matt. He knows his shit. "Plus she was in Next Generation a bunch of times."

"Oh, well then!" said Jon sarcastically. His vote was for Leelee Solbieski.

"It also lists Michael Richard Curry as Aaron Indigo. Who the fuck is that?"

"Never heard of him. Probably an unknown," replied Jon.

"No, not the actor - who the fuck is Aaron Indigo? A new fucking character and they haven't even begun to use those already available," spat Matt furiously.

Jon shrugged and did his best to ignore Matt, hoping he would get the hint. Matt threw the magazine down on the rack, causing the clerks to look at him with their usual disgusted scowls. Customers are, after all, a lower form of life.

Meanwhile in the backroom, a stock boy retrieved a few games from their boxes to put at the cash wrap. Suddenly, a noise from behind him made him spin around, dropping a cd case which shattered into a million pieces on the concrete floor.

A cardboard box had fallen off the shelf.

"Huh," laughed the stock boy in spite of himself. He placed the tower of cd cases on a chair and picked up the box, placing it back on the shelf. He turned back around to the chair. The cd cases were gone. Looking around the stockroom, he spotted them- back on the shelf where he had taken them from. "What the fuck," he mumbled to himself, thinking about the weed he had last night at a party. "That shit must be hot. I could've sworn..." he said to himself, but he stopped in mid-thought, as he realized that they had been put on the shelf in backwards alphabetical order. Now this was something out of the ordinary. No one put things in order at this store! The stock boy got weirded out by this and left the stockroom.

At the cash wrap, the clerks behind the counter were engaged in a philisophical discussion.

"Don't be an asshole. You can't break down bone with that shitty brand of drain cleaner, it's not strong enough. You have to use something more acidic. Try that home-made napalm I told you how to cook up, see what that'll do."

"Man, that home-made napalm story is bullshit. You can't believe everything you hear in movies."

"I read it on the internet. How're you gonna tell me it's not true if it's off the internet."

"Whatever, man. My point is, the napalm wasn't napalm. It was fucking orange juice with gasoline in it."

"You used concentrated orange juice, right?"

The second clerk looked at the first blankly. Apparently, he hadn't.

"Yo, nitwits," said Matt as he walked over to the counter, "How much for this copy of Game Girls?"

"Well look who it is," said the first clerk, "The Inane Observationalists."

"Yeah," added genius number two, "Doormatt and his butt-buddy Jen."

"Hi, fuckface," replied Jon, "I see you two haven't stopped flirting since we were last here."

"Who do you think you're talking to, Jen? I'll kick your fucking asses outta here if you keep that shit up," threatened the first clerk.

"You couldn't kick a tin can out of here," Matt replied flatly, holding up the magazine, "Now how much is the fucking rag?"

"Alright, that's it," said the second clerk, getting up off of his stool. He stood a lot taller than you would think. He walked around the counter and faced the two. "I think you had better move on."

"So, should I pay for this later, or-?" Matt began but the clerk knocked the magazine right out of his hand. He grabbed Matt and led him toward the door. Jon grabbed the clerk from behind. It was all about to go down when the backroom doors burst open. A stock boy, different from the one earlier, emerged looking fairly pale and made his way to the counter, pushing a customer out of the way.

"S-s-something h-happened in the bathroom man. I had gone in to wash my hands, and when I looked into the mirror, everything behind me was c-covered in blood, but when I turned around everything was okay. It wasn't real."

"So what the fuck are you telling me for? You were hallucinating. Stop dropping acid."

"I'm not taking shit, man! I'm telling you it was real! Everything was blood! The walls, the floor, and-..."

At that point the backroom doors opened again and the stock boy from earlier emerged. "Yo, guys. Something's up! Somebody put a bunch of games in order back there!"

The first clerk dropped Matt onto the floor. The one behind the counter dropped the magazine he was holding. "No fucking way, man! That's impossible! Who would do that?" he asked.

Suddenly, the front doors started opening and slamming shut rapidly. The stand ups nearby it were blown over by the drafts and fell to the floor. Then a whole shelf of games flew from one side of the store clear to the other wall and slammed into it shattering many of the cases. A slew of magazines were flung off the rack by an unseen force and scattered across the floor. Finally, a sharp piece of plastic from a broken cd case took to the air and shot through the store. Two customers quickly ducked it before it drove itself into the counter clerks forehead. He stood paralyzed for a moment before falling straight back into the wall of games. He hit the floor, unmoving.

The doors stopped. The magazines settled. The crystal cases stayed put.

"Cool," said Matt as he got back up.

The customers attempted to compose themselves as they made a V-line straight for the door. The first one who got there pulled as hard as he could on the door, before being shoved aside by another. "It's a push door you asshole," said the irritated customer as he pressed his weight against the door.

The door didn't budge. Push or pull, it wasn't going anywhere.

"Aw, look at these pussies. Nobody can take a little gore nowadays. One guy gets a shard of plastic through his skull and they book," commented Matt, dusting himself off. He fished around for the magazine he was holding earlier.

"It's a shame," said Jon as he sifted through the broken goods.

"What, about that asshole?" asked Matt.

Crouching over the mess, Jon held up a broken cd. "No, this is a really good game."

The second clerk ran behind the counter and checked the plastic recipient's pulse. "H-he's dead!" he choked out.

"I would imagine," said Matt as he once again walked up to the counter to pay for the magazine.

The clerk pulled the phone out from under the counter and started dialing, but then realized something and held the reciever higher.

The line was cut.

"Do youse got a phone? We gotta do something!"

"Just ring the purchase up will you? I need to get some lunch," said Matt, flatly.

Jon tossed the game he was holding back onto the floor, rose, and walked over to the counter. "If he's already dead, who exactly do we have to call in such a hurry?"

"You can call the fucking fire department to get this fucking door open!" shouted one of the customers at the door.

In between bouts of throwing up into a trashcan, the pale stockboy suggested, "There's another door in the stockroom. It leads to the roof."

"What fucking good is that?" asked the angry customer.

"It's outside. Jump the fuck off the building, is apparently what he's suggesting. Maybe it is better than hanging out here," said Matt. He turned back to the remaining clerk. "Put that phone down and ring this fucking magazine up before I strangle you with that cord!"

The clerk dropped the phone and bent down underneath the counter. He emerged with a fire extinguisher and started to walk towards the front door.

"You guys have all kinds of stuff under there, don't you?" commented Jon as he watched the clerk run towards the door and bash it with the blunt end of the extinguisher. The glass cracked greatly, but as they all watched, sealed itself back up into one piece just as quickly.

"Happy, douchebag? Now ring this rag up so I can leave," requested Matt.

"Oh, and how the fuck are you going to leave?" spat Seedy, who had just emerged from hiding behind a rack of controllers. "These phenomenae are all symptoms of classic hauntings! Doors opening and closing, inanimate objects moving by themselves-...?"

"Cd cases killing people..." Jon finished with a smile.

"Okay, granted, that's a new one on me, but I'm telling you that whatever is doing this will not let us leave until it gets what it wants."

"Okay, Mr. Expert, what does it want?"

"Souls!"

"Get the fuck out of here," said Matt, thumbing through the pictures of scantily clad Asian girls dressed as game characters. "How do you know so much?"

"I experienced a haunting very similar to this three months ago in the Potter Museum! Several people were injured before the activity ceased.?

"Oh, yeah? What made it stop?" asked Jon.

"Uh... I don't know. I dove out a window as soon as things started flying around. Broke my arm in two places."

Matt now noticed for the first time that Seedy was wearing a large cast. "Oh, I thought something was different about you. Thought you got a hair cut or something." Seedy scowled. Jon just looked Matt. "Hey," said Seedy, "Where did the stockboy go?"

In the backroom, the stockboy pushed through mounds of cardboard boxes and made his way to the roof exit. Just as he neared the door, he heard a creaking overhead. As he looked up, a half-dozen shelves just split in half and spilled their contents onto him. The contents were three dozen Warcraft III collector's sets. He screamed as the heavy cases poured down onto him, slamming him in the face and knocking him to the floor. When they stopped falling he grabbed his head in pain. He looked at his hand, which had blood on it. A slow trickle issued forth from his split lips. He righted himself and made a mad dash for the exit.

Up front, Jon, Matt and Seedy were contending with more pressing issues, such as the fact that the cardboard standups from the windows had gotten up off of the floor and begun attacking people. One figure was a girl in a skintight suit armed with laser guns which were apparently working as she was shooting the shit out of the place. The trio were hiding behind the counter while other customers ran for cover. One young man took a hit which tore right through his back and came out his chest. The laser cauterized the wound as it made it, so there was no blood, just a black smoking hole in his torso. He didn't bother to take note of this before he dropped to the floor dead. Shame; it was quite interesting.

The cardboard standup of Link for the Gamecube Zelda was slashing at a little girl. She ran past the counter as he chased her, madly swinging his sword. Jon reached over and grabbed her by the shirt and swung her over behind the counter to safety. The Link standup looked around for his intended victim, mystified as to where she had gone. Shrugging, he moved onto the nearest target.

"This is pretty fucked up," remarked Matt, still thumbing through Game Girls. He let the centerfold fall open.

"Oi. Watch the mouth, Matt. There is a child present," said Jon grabbing the magazine.

"It's nothing I haven't heard before," the little girl said.

"I meant Seedy," replied Jon.

"Fuck you, Sweeney," offered Seedy in return.

"Up yours, Cock-knocker."

"Eat shit."

"Fuck you."

"Alright, ladies, please!" Matt stepped in. "Let's just think of a way to get out of here."

"Oh, now it's 'Let's get out of here,' huh?" said Seedy. Matt peeked over the counter. Link decapitated a guy as he jumped over him, with quite a spectacular result. He was then able to kick the head off the shoulders like a soccer ball before it fell on its own. The Sci-Fi Girl used her laser gun to bore a hole through a young girl's stomach. The girl screamed and fell to the floor, unmoving. A few stray blasts drilled through the counter, barely missing the heroes.***

"Yes, it's fucking 'Let's get out of here,' fuckstick!" replied Matt.

A laser blast burst through the counter barely missing Seedy's head. It was close enough to singe his hair, which was now smoking.

"Well, I think it's about time we got out of here!" suggested Seedy. "Where did the stockboy say that other exit was?"

Jon, Matt, Seedy and the little girl dove into the stockroom. As the door slammed shut behind them, Link's sword cleaved through it, coming within an inch of Seedy's head.**** "JESUS CHRIST what the fuck are we gonna do?!" squealed Seedy. "We can't get out of this room! The only way out from here is the roof, and I don't think that's a good idea!"

"It was YOUR fucking idea!" screamed Matt, not in the mood for jokes.

"Alright, shut up! Both of you!" commanded Jon. "Let's just find that door and we'll think about where to go from there when we get there, okay?!"

The quartet made their way through the stockroom, pushing aside large empty cardboard boxes. They walked through the twisting aisles until they rounded the bend in front of the door.

"This is it," said Matt.

"No shit," said Seedy. Jon bitch-slapped him.

"I don't want to go through there. Let's go back out front," said the little girl, pulling on Matt's wrist.

"C'mon let's go away from here."

"Whaddya doing? This is the way out," said Matt, retrieving his hand from her grasp. He turned to walk towards the door and froze.

A small trickle of blood slowly made it's way down the door, splitting into two, then three separate streams. All eyes slowly traced them up to the source.

The stock boy, or what remained of him, was half-crucified, half-smeared on the wall above the door. His wrists appeared to have been nailed to the wall with a nail gun, his stomach was torn wide open and his entrailes were dangling out. His legs were a tangled mess of blood, bone and shredded flesh. In a gruesome display of special effects, a message had been written on the wall in the stock boy's blood.

"GIVE IT TO US."

"Whaddya say folks? Should we give it to him?" asked Matt rhetorically. He was, of course, imitating an old Bugs Bunny joke.

"Give what to us?" asked Jon even more rhetorically since he though no answer would come, but one did.

As he finished the sentence, the entire building began to shake on it's foundation, jarring boxes off of shelves, throwing games across the room, knocking Seedy on his ass, etc. Suddenly, as quickly as it had begun, it stopped.

"Well FUCK this!" screamed Seedy as he got up and made a dash for the door. Matt grabbed the hood of his Battlestar Galactica sweatshirt. Seedy's feet shot out ahead of him and he came down straight on his back. The reason Matt had stopped him was because the stockboy's entrails had begun to move about like snakes, some attaching themselves to the door barring the exit, others slowly tracing the air waiting to strike. One suddenly snapped at Jon, who ducked just in time so that the intestine snake instead smashed the shit out of a support beam. A creaking sound slowly groaned as the destroyed support beam gave, bringing the ceiling down on top of them.

"Well, that was fun," said a voice.

"Fuck you," added another cheerfully.

From out of the dust and rubble, arms, leg and bodies emerged. First Jon and Seedy, then the little girl.

"Where's Matt?" asked Jon.

"Matt!" called Seedy cupping his hands like a bullhorn.

"I'm under you, fuckstick. How could I be far away when the fucking ceiling fell on us?" asked the first voice helpfully.

A hand slowly emerged from the rubble. Jon grasped it and began to pull. Suddenly, he fell straight back! He righted himself and realized that he was still holding the hand. Just the hand! It was roughly severed from the arm, two shattered bones protruded from the end which was squirting blood!

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" laughed Matt climbing out of the rubble. He held a small blue pump in his left hand which led to the hand Jon was holding. His right hand popped out of his sleeve. "I've been waiting two weeks to do that. Had to keep the fake hand there all the time to pull it off but it worked! Eating was tough and masturbation even worse, but-?"

The hand smacked right into his face, spraying him with fake blood.

"That was not fucking funny," Jon commented as he got up. He dusted himself off and walked away.

"I thought it was pretty damn funny," Matt said to himself. He rummaged around the rubble for a minute before arising once again, somewhat victoriously, with his magazine. He began thumbing through the ripped, dusty tome.

"Oi. Where are we gonna go now, eh? I mean the front is fucked and the back is, if possible, even worse! I mean howthehellarewegonnagetouttahere? We're all fucked! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"

Seedy was quietened by Jon who raised the back of his hand. Matt joined them in walking back to the front of the store.

"I have an idea," said the little girl.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Seedy, hysterically. Matt bitch-slapped him.*****

"What is it, sweetheart?" asked Jon.

"Why don't you give them what they want?"

"Because we don't know what they want," Matt said, thumbing through page after page of anime schoolgirls.

"Yes you do," said the little girl, irritated.

"What are you talking about?" asked Jon. He pushed a pile of cardboard boxes aside. They tumbled apart with a wonderful noise.

"He knows what I mean," replied the girl, indicating Matt, who was still oblivious to the party. "They want what you have."

"What the fuck do we have?" asked Matt, forgetting his manners. "We have nothing more than we came in with."

"On the contrary," said the girl in a voice that was not hers, "You do indeed!"

The girl's eyes turned red and bared her fangs.

Fangs?

"What the fuck? What is she a vampire?" yelped Matt stumbling backwards.

The girl suddenly burst into flame, her clothing becoming nothing but ash in a matter of seconds. As the flames died down, the group now watched as the girl grew into an adult and sprouted great leathery wings!

"It's a Succubus! A demon of Celtic legend! I knew all those years of playing D&D would pay off!" Seedy excitedly spat as he fumbled inside of his pockets. "Aha! Now taste my wrath, evil being!"

Seedy held forth a stick of gum.

"What... the... fuck?" said Jon.

"Wrong pocket," said Seedy, thrusting his hands into his pockets again. The Succubus let her hands rest on her hips as her eyes searched the ceiling and her foot tapped impatiently.

"Double Aha!" said Seedy triumphantly as he produced...

A water bottle.

"You keep a water bottle in your pants?" asked Matt.

"Maybe it's to attract ladies," suggested Jon.

"On the contrary, it's to ward off creatures such as this! Begone foul one! Bother us no more!" Seedy squealed as he sprayed her with the water.

She didn't scream, or die, or turn into a bat. She did, however, appear to grow even more pissed.

"Uh,... the power of Christ compels you!" (Spray, spray, spray.)

Nothing.

"Well, remind me never again to buy my holy water at Basement Bob's Discount Dungeon," said Seedy capping the bottle and placing it back into one of his pockets.

"Well, fuck this!" suggested Matt turning to run. As soon as he did, she was in front of him, clawing at his face with her razor sharp nails. He screamed and jumped back, holding his cheek which had been slashed.

"We want what you have taken! It is ours! It cannot leave!" The Succubus' voice thundered through the stockroom, causing tremors in the shelves and even walls.

"We didn't take shit, sister. Now why don't you just back off and we'll go about our business." Matt began walking away. The Succubus extended one finger and a blue bolt of lightning streaked from her fingertip and slammed Matt straight in the back, hurling him into the wall. Jon grabbed a box cutter which was laying on a nearby shelf and slashed at the demon with it. He made a direct hit, slicing her upper arm. He watched in astonishment as the wound simply closed itself without a drop of blood. He joined Matt across the room with the help of another lightning bolt. Seedy took off for the back door again.

"Don't worry guys! I'll bring help!" said Seedy as he attempted to climb over the rubble where the ceiling fell. As he reached the top of the mound, the Succubus' face appeared in front of him from the other side of the mound.

Matt and Jon took this opportunity to bolt like madmen. They reached the doors and flung them open diving behind the counter as laser blasts accompanied their arrival in the lobby. In the distance, they could hear Seedy's screams.

"Well," said Jon as they sat behind the counter waiting for a break in the fire, "...we're right back where we started."

"Well, it's not a total loss," Matt added. "Somehow through all that I managed to salvage Game Girls. He proudly held up the magazine. Simultaneously, Jon and Matt's faces dropped in realization of the awful plot device.

"Ohh, fucking hell no. They're not getting this! This was the last copy! Fuck that!"

"This is obviously what they want! Just fucking give it to them so we can leave!"

"No!"

"GIVE IT TO US!" thundered a voice throughout the store. The counter reverberated with the shockwaves.

"FUCK YOU!" yelled Matt back, holding his cheek in pain.

A laserblast seared through the counter and made a clean hole through the magazine. Matt's eyes narrowed.

"That's it."

He got up amidst the laser fire from the Sci-Fi Girl Stand-up's Gun of Infinite Ammo. He walked cooly through the wreckage of the store, stepping on corpses as he walked. Link made a mad dash for him with his sword like a jousting stick. Matt brought his foot up and then quickly down again on the blade, driving it into the ground. The blade bent and then stiffened again like a doorstop, sending Link rocketing upwards right through the ceiling, making a cartoonish hole in his shape.

The Sci-Fi Girl did a Kirk Shoulder Roll over to the counter and dove behind it, coming up and blasting away at Matt who dropped to the floor for whatever cover might be available. He held up a corpse for a sheild. The Sci-Fi Girl blasted away until she felt a tap on her shoulder. She hadn't realized that Jon was still behind the counter, and that by now, Jon had been able to secret a gun out of one of her 118 holsters and point it at her. She turned to face the large barrel of a scatter gun.

BOOM!

With the threats dealt with, Matt and Jon slowly rose and stumbled towards the front doors, now just a few feet away. They walked faster, but the door didn't seem to get any closer!

"We're slipping on blood," commented Matt.

After rectifying this, they limped towards the front door.

"Not so fast," said a familiar voice. Suddenly a curtain of blood flowed down over the doors, which curdled and became hard. It may as well have been a brick wall, for the heroes were too worn out to break through.

The Succubus strolled casually into the room, surveying the carnage with great delight. It had been a good day for she and her masters. Many souls had been gathered.

"Well, now I think it's time we quit this foolishness and ended the matter altogether. Give me the magazine."

"Go fuck yourself."

"Give me the magazine fool! Do you think that you have any kind of power that could possibly be a threat to pure evil?! What could you use to back up your words, peon?!" spat the Succubus furiously, summoning apparitions with her mere thoughts.

"Say, Jon?"

"Yes, Matt?"

"Wasn't the Master Sword a Holy weapon? I seem to recall it had it's roots in Hyrulean Religon," said Matt, eyeing the sword that was embedded in the floor.

"I do believe you're right. It was a Holy sword."

"GIVE IT TO ME!!!" screamed the Succubus, her blood boiling at their demonstration of disobedience. Her ghost familiars looked menacing.

"What do you say folks? Shall we give it to her?" asked Matt.

"Yeah, let's give it to her!" answered Jon.

Matt walked forward with the magazine in his hand. He confidently met the Succubus in the center of the room. Raising the magazine, he extended his arm out to her. She grabbed the magazine, yanking it away from him. She smiled triumphantly, victory was hers! The ghosts dissapated as the magazine was held up like a prize.

The she noticed something.... Matt's hand was still attached to it! Blood spurted furiously from the gnarled stump!

"AAAAHHHH!!!" screamed the Succubus. She flung the magazine up into the air in surprise. Matt popped his real hand out of his sleeve, wrenched the Master Sword from the floor and thrust it deep into the Succubus! She squealed in pain as the blade drove through her, searing her from inside with Holy Fire! Black blood spurted from her mouth as she slumped to the floor. Matt yanked the blade out of her. She lingered in a kneeling position for just a moment, before dropping to the floor. With her last breath, she cursed the two survivors, damning them to eternal darkness in Hades. With that, she expired.

"Are you worried about that?" asked Matt, throwing the sword down.

"Nahh, I don't believe in Hades," replied Jon.

Suddenly, the Succubus reared up from the floor and lunged for Matt! He stumbled backwards into the counter, defenseless. The Succubus attacked him, pouncing on her prey like a tiger. As she bared her fangs and dove forward to sink her teeth into Matt's throat, there was a great explosion! Her head blew into a thousand pieces scattering fangs, blood and grey matter all over the counter, and Matt.

Jon stood over him, holding the smoking shotgun.

"You could've hit me, you fuck," said Matt gratefully.

"Could've? I was aiming for you. You're lucky I missed."

With the Succubus' death, the blood curtain shattered into a thousand pieces, showering the floor in dark red crystals. Matt and Jon composed themselves and walked out the doors.

A moment later, Matt walked back in to retrieve his fake hand. He looked at the shredded, bloody, dirt-encrusted magazine. "Eh, fuck it. It's all fucked up." Leaving it there, he walked out.

"Hello?" said Seedy, his voice echoing in the back room. "Is anybody there? I'm not dead!.... She only disembowled me, but I'm still alive!" Seedy lay on top of the pile of ceiling rubble, holing his stomach inside of him. "Is anybody still here?.... Matt?.... Jon?.... Somebody!!!"

* Vampire Hunter D. If you do not know who this is, kill yourself.

** Bruce Campbell, and if you needed to look here to find this out, you're in the wrong place. Surely you should be reading People Magazine or Soap Opera Digest.

*** Heroes?

**** As the sword was thrown, it "stabbed" through the door, coming forward towards them. As a result, the line was originally "Seedy's ass" because they were stumbling to run away. After several readings, I couldn't bear to leave it like that as the image of Seedy getting stabbed in the ass is one I do not wish to imprint on your fragile virgin minds. It doesn't really affect me because I'm already fucked up.

***** Poor Seedy goes through so much abuse, maybe I'll let him get even in a future story.... Well, maybe not.