A lot of groups in this country would have you believe that Elvis is still alive, or that little green men have been visiting us in saucer shaped spaceships, or that JFK was killed by the CIA. Perhaps some of these things are true. Say for instance, the one about the Kennedy assassination. If he were indeed killed by the government, then why isn't it common knowledge? Why isn't it taught in school? Why does his death remain a mystery?
It's a... conspiracy! (DA - DUM - DAAAAAAAAAA!)
Some people will tell you that conspiracies are everywhere. That a secret answer to every question is hidden in some super-secret government base in the Appalachians, at 48 latitude, behind the third cliff after the elephant shaped rock, inside the fourth room on the left in the east wing in a desk drawer filed under "X."
Others don't believe in them. The non-believers or "skeptics" amongst us, think that most UFO fans and conspiracy theorists are nuts and psychos who are either a danger to themselves and others, or simply sad pathetic nerds who have nothing better to do than make up abduction stories and post them on UFO websites after their weekly D&D game.
Fuck skeptics.
In case you can't tell, I am a believer. In all of the universe, which is so indescribably vast that I can't even put it into words, we're the only forms of life? Give me a fucking break. I think even the skeptics would admit that this is impossible, but they still insist that UFOs and aliens do not visit this planet. To them I say: Our satellites have landed on Mars and we've actually walked on our moon, so why couldn't they have done the same with our planet? They have most certainly done so! I myself have found an alien satellite in the parking lot of a gas station! It was semi-cylindrical, with a tapered end which seemed to have been damaged on impact. My family tried to tell me that it was an empty soda can that had been run over, but I'm too smart for 'em. I sent it to the Professor over at the I/O laboratories to have it analyzed. He sent a report back to me that upon analyzation, the satellite had trace amounts of Citric Acid and High Fructose Corn Syrup. I did not immediately recognize these chemicals, so they are clearly of extraterestrial nature. The Professor added that these are common ingredients in soda and fruit drinks. Upon inspection of a bottle of Ginger Ale, I found that it did indeed contain these ingredients. So that's it! The aliens have found a way to get their toxic chemicals inside of our beverages! After dumping all of the bottles of fruit juice and soda in my house, I set to work breaking into my neighbours' houses and dumping their drinks. Who knows?! Perhaps the aliens have infiltrated the very highest levels of our soft drink industries! The C.E.O. of Coco-Cola could be an alien! It's a soft drink conspiracy of the highest order!
Of course I'm not going to jump to conclusions. The alien might only be vice-president. But the fact remains that our soft drinks are toxic alien brain-washing chemicals designed to turn us into complacent consumer zombies. It is obvious that aliens have infiltrated the fashion industry as well, otherwise how can you explain the way Old Navy's spokesperson Morgan Fairchild hasn't aged in twenty years? And that "magic" dog? Bullshit! Alien technology makes that carpet fly!
The following is a list of suggested reading on conspiracies and supernatural occurances, since they seem to go hand-in-hand.
The Mothman Prophecies
That's all really. Read this book and you'll be set with knowledge for life. No shit. Ciao, baby.