The Couch

It's kinda funny.

I mean, here I am, lying down, when I should be out there shooting.

Ariel: And you would be doing that...why?

I don't know. Shooting. Just shooting something. Anything.

Ariel: I think someone has a problem.

Yeah, it's an obsession, I think. Every time I feel driven into a corner, I just take out my gun and shoot something.

Ariel: (Matrix) Oh look, my shoes untied and I can’t bend down. *shoots his foot* Oh, dammit.

It was useful in the Games. I mean, it used to be that when I'm in a corner, it's because the User's about to win the game. So I just blow the User's head off. Simple.

Ariel: Of course, it all depends if the User has a head.

But now, I'm out of the games. There's all this emotional things going on that I can't get a handle of. Andy keeps telling me to work on my people skills,

Ariel: Because without them, you’d be...well...Matrix.

but I don't know where to start. And don't tell me "anywhere"; the first place I would try is looking down the barrel of my gun.

Ariel: Is he going to shoot himself? That would be interesting.

Anyway, now, it's not very nice for me to pull out my gun whenever somebody asks me a stupid question. That's what Bob says, at least.

Ariel: (Bob)You, know Matrix, you might want to stop shooting innocent binomes when we stop to ask for directions. (Matrix)*points gun at Bob* WHAT DO YOU MEAN? (Bob) Nevermind...

What? You don't know Bob? The Guardian? You don't know him?!

Ariel: Of course not, you think I actuall watch ReBoot.

What?

Ariel: You talkin’ to me?

I'm sorry. Really.

Ariel: I’m sorry but I can’t accept your apology. Its just that it sounds so insincere with a gun pointed at my head.

But please, don't test me like that again.

Ariel: I didn’t realize I was.

So. Where was I?

Ariel: Something about Bob and shooting things. Could it have been Shooting Bob? That would be nice.

Oh yeah.

Ariel: I think he remembered. A coherent thought. THIS CAN’T BE MATRIX!

I got back to Mainframe, and it turned out that it was Megaframe. So what did I do? I went looking for something to shoot.

Ariel: Unfortunaltley, all he found was the D from Dot’s Diner.

Oh yeah, I was wandering around the city with Bob, but that was all because I wanted to look for an excuse to start shooting.

Ariel: (Matrix) Hey look, there’s Dot! *shoot her* Oh, shit.

But I thought I had it pretty much under control, before I saw the Principal Office. With ABCs flying around. Viral ABCs.

Ariel: Which is totally different from the ABC cereal with marshmellows.

What can I say? I snapped.

Ariel: *crunch* (Bob) Matrix? Oh shit, not again.

I just ran in, and started shooting everything in sight. If it weren't for Bob, I wouldn't have made it out alive.

Ariel: And we have all hated Bob for that move.

But I didn't learn from that. Oh no. When Hack and Slash appeared, bam! I took out my gun. Again, Bob had to stop me from blowing their heads off.

Ariel: Again, I repeat that Bob has made some pretty bad mistakes in his life.

The rest you know. I had to fight Megabyte, and that was when all my instincts served me well. That was when I had the chance to kill him.

Ariel: And you didn’t. You wussy. Another example of other characters getting in the way.

It still scares me, how close I came to doing so.

Ariel: (Matrix) Dot, I’m scared, I almost killed a virus who had been trying to conquer Mainframe and delete all my friends for cycles. (Dot)Its okay...Andy stopped you.

In the end, though, after the system crash and reboot, I was going to try having another go at a peaceful life.

Ariel: (Matrix) Life’s so peaceful...*shoots Bob as he walks in the Diner* Oh shit, not again.

Hah. What a joke.

Ariel: And once again were not lauging.

One of the problems was my other half.

Ariel: EWWWWW!

Yeah, Enzo Matrix, version 01. I can get along well with him, and I know what he was thinking, since I thought most of the same thoughts before, but there's just something... something... that sets my teeth on edge.

Ariel: There’s a younger version of yourself running around who you’ve since you lost the one game. I wonder what...

Maybe it's his hyperactivity. Now I know just how addicted to energy shakes I was.

Ariel:(Enzo) Must...have...energy... (Matrix) Shut up. *shoots Enzo* (Dot) Oh shit, not again!

But I like him. He's me, after all.

Ariel: (Dot) Enzo! (Matrix and Enzo) Yeah?

And then these... Users... come along, and guess what, they want me to star in their, what did they call it, "fan fiction".

Ariel: (Users) Uh, Mr. Matrix we’d like you to star in our fanfiction. The title is Crystal Matrix. (Matrix) *shoots User* Oh shit, not again.

I don't mind. I mean, I got my head around the fact that we were nothing but fictional characters long, long ago, but this... well, I've got mixed feelings about this, if you know what I mean.

Ariel: (Matrix) I’m not real and I’m wondering why I’m confused. (Dot) Don’t worry. Bob’s powers can make the milk flow. (Matrix) *shoots Dot* Oh shit, not again.

Some of them were quite nice, actually. The Users, I mean. They didn't ask me to do anything that I wouldn't have done.

Ariel: (Jo Ann) Here have this. *hands him Crystal* (Matrix) *shoots both baby and User*

But others... urgh. I don't know what goes on inside their heads, but I definitely wouldn't want to be in there.

Ariel: I sympathize.

Not that I have a choice.

Ariel: Of course not, that’s why Users are all powerful and you only have Gun.

I mean, some of them had me smiling. A lot. Not that I have anything against smiling, but I don't think I should have a change of personality overnight. It wasn't too long ago that when I smiled, people ran for cover. Now, I'm smiling, grinning, laughing, and nobody bats an eyelid.

Ariel: (Matrix) *smiles* (Binome) Oh, look! Big, mean and green is smiling and Guns out. Let’s go hug him!

I just want it to go slow, you know? Take things one step at a time.

Ariel: (AndrAIa) Just one foot in front of the other. There you go!

But that isn't as bad as some of the other Users. I... well, the sort of fan fiction they wanted me to do, it was indecent.

Ariel: *blinks*

I think they called it "hentai". Don't ask me what that means. Sounds foreign to me.

Ariel: We also call it porn.

There was even one where I... urgh... with Bob, you know. And then the Users themselves actually came into the story, and... yuck.

Ariel: Bob and Matrix? Okay I want NAMES!

And then they had Andy doing... things. With Bob. With Phong, for User's sake. I mean, that's sick. Evil.

Ariel: *curls into a fetal position*

And my sister... I don't even want to know what they made her do. I heard... Megabyte... Mouse... yuck.

Ariel: *whimpers* I want NAMES damnit! Who did this.

I think I'd better stop thinking about it now.

Ariel: I’m gonna have nightmares!

And there was something else bothering me... Oh yes. Boxers.

Ariel: *shudders* Matrix...boxers...Megabyte...Mouse...Bob....*shivers in terror* Forget names I want addresses and numbers!

I don't know why, but these Users seemed to keep wanting to see me in boxers. Or shorts. Or diapers, spam it all. Don't ask me why. These people are sick and twisted.

...

Ariel: Silence...the heart of documentary.

...

What? Am I supposed to say anything else?

Ariel: It would be helpful.

There's just too much happening to me. First the Games, then getting back to Mainframe, and now this. Fan fiction.

Ariel: The root of all evil.

No wonder I'm on the couch now.

Ariel: And I don’t want to know what you’ve been doing on it.

Users, Andy would have a fit if she knew I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Ariel: Actually, I’m kinda glad you are. I need to go call mine.